


January 16th

by aperrywilliams



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Fluff, Misunderstandings, References to Addiction, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:07:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 98,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aperrywilliams/pseuds/aperrywilliams
Summary: Reader and Spencer Reid share the most intimate part of their lives through the years around a fateful date. Will that end by bringing them closer or further away?
Relationships: Spencer Reid & Reader, Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54





	1. A Hard Rain’s Gonna Fall

As a child, I didn’t like rainy days. They _were boring_. There weren’t many fun things to do. I was rarely allowed out to play with my neighbors in those days, which was frustrating for a girl like me who liked to be in constant contact with others. Since I was little I was always very sociable.

My mother always told me that if I was bored it was because of my own lack of imagination. ‘Think of things to do. How does nothing come to your mind?’ . I just was used to shrugged and sat by the window looking at the gray sky and how the raindrops drenched the window.

As I grew older, and my independence grew too, the rainy days began to have a little more excitement. At least I no longer had the restriction of being in my home and could be under the roof of a cafeteria enjoying a conversation with my friends. I could be in the university’s library studying for a test or even having the possibility of running in the rain. Those things made me happy. My _first kiss_ was under the rain too. Rainy days weren’t a struggle anymore for me.

In the eyes of many people it could be strange. A lot of persons I know hate rainy days and with my childhood story I seemed destined for it too. But no, I was not going to give up the pleasure of feeling the drops fall on my face and my body without any concern other than enjoying the fact of being alive.

Even in the worst cases I had to face when I joined the BAU I tried to get something positive when I saw the rain fall. I always told my teammates the rain ‘ _cleans the spirit_ ’, ‘ _refreshes it_ ’. That could even be interpreted as a ’ _fresh start_ ’ . My argument was apparently not so convincing since only my colleagues shook their heads with sympathetic smiles. In my heart I knew they liked my analysis even if they didn’t share it.

The only one debating with me about it was Reid more than once. More than by the meaning itself of my interpretation of the ’ _healing effect_ ’ of the rain, by the very fact that I was giving an emotional interpretation to a meteorological phenomenon.

“It’s just rain (Y/N)” Reid stated when he saw me excitedly talking about my explanation of the meteorological phenomenon during a jet trip on the way to a case.

“But it’s proven that weather has a significant association with certain moods of people”. I added to give more substance to my interpretation.

“That is the over-understanding that people themselves make about their state of mind and mental health they project on the weather, it’s not due to the weather itself. Furthermore, association does not imply causation,” Spencer summarized nonchalantly .

“Okay genius, correlation is not causation, but that doesn’t eliminate that people can give it a connotation and adjust their emotional reactions to that meaning. The resignification is a constructive phenomenon of the human being and allows them to appropriate the world they live”. I replied trying to not give up my point.

"Someone paid too much attention in Social Psychology 101,” Reid snorted.

“While others got stuck on Science and Causality 101,” I hit back.

“Stop there, _Mulder and Scully_. Let’s focus on the case, okay?“. Prentiss interrupted our exchange this time. We both frowned and went back to our review of the case.

This is how our dynamics were in the team. They made the work environment much more relaxed. Despite that, and the time I had been at the BAU, I couldn’t say I had great friends there. That was in sharp contrast to the idea that most of them had: to see the BAU as a family. Not that I was against to that perception, it was just bonding more affectionately with some of them was more difficult. With Reid, for example. Apart from our exchanges of opinions, neither of us was very close to the other. If I needed to pick my favorite BAU’s member, I would picked Emily. Which was awful when we thought she had died at the hands of Doyle. I remember breaking down at that time. I was about to leave the BAU. There it was Rossi who had pity on me and lent me his shoulder to cry on. Despite Reid being almost as affected as I was, we didn’t mourn Emily together.

It was not the only mourn I had to live working in the BAU. Although Emily’s was a ‘false alarm’, my mother’s death months after Prentiss’ return wasn’t. The most important person in my life left faster than I would have thought, leaving me orphaned of spirit. Even though my dad was still alive and I have siblings, I never was so close to them. My mom was my real family truth be told. She was the one who encouraged me to follow my dreams, the one who didn’t mind I threw a career in clinical psychology overboard to join a dangerous job at the FBI.

My mom’s was a silent grieve. Only Emily knew what had happened and she accompanied me that rainy day of the funeral. I had mixed feelings. I knew that the rain was a message from my mom to me. In the letter she left me before she died, she explained: 'and that day you’ll see how the rain will fall, but don’t be sad my girl, because that rain will be my fingers wiping your own tears, reminding you that every moment of this life is worth living, regardless of where it takes us in the end’. That words precisely was what kept me going. Even not being physically with me my mom managed to encourage me to continue living.

Of course I miss her. There is not a day when I don’t think of her. But my self-forged character quickly forced me to move to the next level. I shouldn’t be afraid of changes, that was the message. And changes was what I was probably going to face for the rest of my life.

Despite being receptive to changes, when Emily decided to leave the BAU I was upset. Not with her, of course, I understood her reasons perfectly. I was upset because a part of me at the BAU leaving with her. I told her about it in our conversation in JJ’s wedding while we drank our _umpteenth_ vodka.

“Come on (Y/N), don’t be mad at me. I don’t want to leave thinking you hate me for leaving the BAU”. Emily told me rising her glass.

“No Emily. I’m not mad at you. I really get it. I’m upset with myself because I’m the one who stays here. And… and don’t you going to think I’m unhappy with my job and my position at the BAU… it’s just that… you know, it’s not easy for me to step down my walls. It’s different with you, you know? You are my friend and I’m going to miss you!”. I confessed.

“Please, give them a chance (Y/N). It breaks my heart to leave you all. But breaks me most thinking you feel distant from the team. I thought that time was passed”

“In part I thought so too. They are all great people, I know. Rossi was very important when you weren’t here. Hotch is an excellent leader and despite that natural distance he cares for everyone. Morgan is like the older brother, just as JJ is like the understanding mother. It’s not surprising think of the BAU team as a family… but I don’t know very well _where I fit within this family_ …“ I stated laughing in my drunkenness.

"In this regard I can only tell you that you’re a perfect fit as the noisy younger sister who seeks to be independent and not be directed by the elders.” We both started laughing. “And for that reason maybe you feel out of place, but I have no doubt you’re as much a part of this team as anyone,” Emily assured me, putting one of her arms around me and squeezing my shoulder.

“Thank you Emily… fuck, I’m going to miss you so much, you know?”

“Me too my little sister. But I have to ask though. And excuse me if it’s uncomfortable for you. What is your problem with Reid?“. As she asked the question, Prentiss was carefully watching every manifestation of my body language.

” _My problem_ with Reid?… as far as I know I don´t have any problem with him…“ I rushed to answer. And that was the truth. I didn’t have any problem with him.

“You didn’t mention him when you described the team. Doesn’t he fit into your BAU family scheme?…”. She asked me curiously.

Good point. Perhaps I had forgotten him. Maybe I just didn’t consider him in my _drunk talk_. It’s not that bad, isn’t it?

"Well, Reid may be the little brother that drives you crazy. Better in that way?” I said trying to joke.

“(Y/N)…” Emily reproached me.

“Emily, don’t _’(Y/N) me’_ … seriously! I have nothing against Reid. He is our resident genius. I like to disagree with him about different things. But that’s it. I don’t know if I would say he is my friend . Nor should I seem like a very interesting person to him for sure”. I replied with a shrug.

“(Y/N), Spencer is an excellent person and an bulletproofed friend. It’s true, he can look intimidating at times with that brain working at full capacity, talking about things we all understand half of. He’s introverted, taciturn, and all that, but he’s a great guy. I still believe that if you knew each other better, you would find more things in common than you think”.

“Are you trying Reid take care of me while you’re not here?” I protested.

“I’ll be boldest in my intentions (Y/N)… you two could be a great couple”. Prentiss said it if she was talking about the weather.

“Stop right there Emily Prentiss, just stop!. I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that”. I replied. I assumed the drunkenness had her wording her strangest thoughts more _'freely’_.

“I said what I said. And I don’t take it back, my little one. Just give him a try. At least as a friend. Trust me, Reid is totally worth the effort.“

"Whatever you say _Cupid_ , whatever you say…” I said laughing. “Now finish that vodka because we have a few more left tonight”.

When Prentiss left the BAU, Alex Blake arrived. No one thought of her as a substitute for Emily, especially seeing that her personality was completely different from the _extroverted_ Prentiss.

One of the things I have to thank Alex for is that I was no longer the ‘newbie’ in the team, even though I was still the youngest. It was the confidence boost I needed to feel even more part of the team. Many of my doubts in the first years were mitigated with the passing of the months.

Not having Emily around also forced me to get closer to the rest. I talked more with Penelope and Derek. I paid more attention to JJ’s family stories. I talked more with Hotch and the things that happened while Jack was growing up. I even thought I had given Rossi some love’s advice about one of his ex-wives. Even with Alex we managed to have a good relationship: she always praised my energy and youthful appearance, to which I always responded jokingly with a 'you would have seen me what I was like before taking this job’.

With Reid things stayed more or less the same. Although I tried to get a little closer so as not to discriminate him in my attitude to the rest of the team, he didn’t seem so comfortable with my more 'close’ approach. It wasn’t the idea to make him feel uncomfortable either, so we kept our interactions strictly work-related except for the ‘science’ and ‘psychology’ discussions that we were used to.

And so the months passed. The cases arrived, one to another. Some rougher than others. Some more exhausting than others. Even in one of them I got a bullet in my leg. Nothing horrible, but it took me at least 2 weeks away from field work. That gave to Penelope an opportunity to kept me in the Batcave for days asking profusely about my new boyfriend. How did she know those things? Mysteries of the universe and Garcia’s hacking skills. Years ago it would have bothered me, but now it seemed to me even fun to focus that level of attention on me.

One of the strange things that I had to see in those months was how Reid from one moment to another looked more joyful. His usual ramblings had a different tint. Could you say he was… happy? I couldn’t tell if something had changed in his life, as no one on the team could quite figure out what was happening to our resident genius. They were subtle things, even with me. There was one day when he greeted me effusively in the morning by putting my favorite coffee on my desk. Something that had never happened before.

“Pretty Boy is in love". Derek joked that morning after saw him.

“Come on, he’s just happy. That could be for many reasons…” suggested Blake.

“It’s true, but in the years I’ve known Spencer, I’ve rarely seen him like this,” JJ hastened to add.

“I don’t want to put out more fuel to the fire, but at least he had never brought me a coffee before…” I commented taking a sip of the hot liquid.

“(Y/N) has a point…” declared Morgan.

Beyond the jokes and speculation, we were profilers and it was clear that something different was happening to Reid. What caught my attention greatly was no one seemed surprised about this change. Or at least no one said anything about it. And why didn’t I ask or do anything either? Because I knew I was at the bottom of his 'important people’ list, there was no point to me getting into his life. But despite that, I did worry. He might as well be my annoying team brother, but that didn’t mean I didn’t realize it or didn’t care. Maybe I was overthinking.

But as my mom always told me, 'if you feel it in your gut, it’s because something’s wrong’. That January 16th when I arrived at the BAU I immediately noticed a commotion around me. As I approached my desk I saw with concern the faces of Morgan, JJ and Blake; all three pairs of eyes fixed on Hotch’s office. I looked in that line of sight and saw Reid talking to Hotch. The concern that hung in the air was dense and fell heavily on the shoulders of all of us who were gathered there.

“What happened?” I was quick to ask.

“We don’t know. When we arrived, Reid was already in Hotch’s office. It’s been 45 minutes or so” JJ replied.

"And without hearing a word of what has been said in there, it’s clear that it is something serious,” said Blake.

After 10 minutes, and having also joined the club of 'let’s analyze what happens in Hotch’s office without hearing any shit’, Hotch walked out of his office and were to knock on Rossi’s office door , while Reid was standing in the Hotch’s office entrance staring the floor and visibly teary eyes. In almost seconds we are all gathered in the bullpen desks’ sector. Hotch stood with his arms crossed, harsh eyes and his brow furrowed. Reid also was stood, his fists clenched, eyes lowered, voice shaking. That was the beginning of the nightmare.

Years working with Reid and I had never seen him this vulnerable. I couldn’t blame him, the woman he loved - whom no one knew about - had disappeared and probably at the hands of a psychopath. The sad story of the BAU repeating itself . We had plenty of examples over the years: Gideon, Hotch , Prentiss… and now Reid.

When Maeve Donovan became our main objective that day, we all raced against the clock, trying to figure out who her captor might be and where she might be. I remember all the effort that each one put into following each lead, reviewing each piece of evidence, each video, each photograph. Everything. It was heart breaking to see Reid suffer and literally _'frozen’_ in front of us. It was something I never expected to see in my life.

Morgan, JJ and Blake occasionally slipped words of encouragement to Reid. Hotch and Rossi were more cautious in that matter. What could really happen it was written in the profilers’ book. Right? I didn’t dare to approach him. I didn’t know what to say to him. But my guts weren’t giving me a good sign. I could feel a lump in my throat.

I tried to think of advantageous scenarios. I really wanted to help. In the cases I worked in the BAU I always tried to place the potential positive results above the negative ones. But it was difficult for me this time.

While the rest of the team was out on the field following what few leads we could collect, I was in the conference room reviewing the latest security camera footage of Maeve’s building. Reid came in and sat in one of the chairs at the opposite end of the table where I was going through the material. I didn’t want to look up at him. I didn’t want to say anything to him either. We were silent.

“You think _she’s dead_ , right?” he muttered suddenly.

The question took me by surprise. I didn’t really think she was dead. But I wasn’t sure we could get there in time to save her either. That was what bothering me. However, how do you say that to someone who is hurting and hangs on the last possible hope?

“Not. But we are working around the clock. I can only say that you have to hold on to the fact that we are all doing what is in our power to save her, and that gives us at least a chance”. They weren’t very comforting words, but I couldn’t lie to him. He knew the possibilities better than anyone.

After we found Diane Turner location, it all happened too fast. I don’t think I can even remember all the details. From one moment to the next I was driving a SUV in the streets through an incessant rain. Then I remember being located outside a building in the middle of the night, trying to come up with a rescue plan. In another flashback I remember Reid taking off his bulletproof vest and stepping insider the building. I was tasked with covering him back with some distance so as not to alert Diane. Hiding behind a door I saw Reid beg for Maeve’s life. I saw with my own eyes how he offered to take her place. Without any doubt or hesitation. ‘Him for her’, that was his plan. Was that a strategy would really have worked? It’s easy for me to say now that perhaps it wasn’t the best approximation. But I was just hiding behind a door waiting I don’t know what. I have no morals to judge his actions.

The sound of the gunshot froze us all. The worst of my fears became true. Happened what the book said was going to occur and I refused to believe. We all refuse to believe in it. Seeing Reid on his knees in front the lifeless bodies of the protagonists of this dramatic story only made the situation worse.

Could we have done something to prevent it? There are days when I think so and I feel the worst person doing this job. There are days when I just think it was inevitable and that nothing we could do would have provided a better outcome. What I’m sure is on that rainy night on January 16th, three lives were lost: Maeve Donovan’s, Diane Turner’s and Spencer Reid’s. Only time would tell us if the latter of them could rise again knowing that the other two won’t.


	2. Every Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer talks about Maeve’s death and the days after that. A lot of feelings and thoughts overwhelm him.

——————–

_“I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning_

_I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying_

_It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around…”_

——————–

 _Silence_. I don't know how long it lasted. My mind froze and my body was not mine for a few seconds. I fell to my knees. It was a deafening silence, while in my head the shot was repeated over and over again. It was like watching the images in a movie repeatedly.

_'It should've been me. It should've been me. I should've been...'_

I was draining on the inside and crying on the outside. Hotch came over to help me up off the floor. They wanted me to get out of there. They wanted me to leave her. No. No. I wasn't going to leave her there, I wasn't going to leave her alone.

_Will that could make any difference now?_

Some people say that dying must be like floating. Like if you weren't there but seeing what happens around you. I think I felt that way. Did she feel pain? Did she think I could really save her? I failed. I failed her.

_'I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I'm really sorry…'_

_Cold._ When I got conscious about myself again, I was outside the building in the middle of the night. The rain had stopped and the January air could freeze the bones. Hotch guided me to an ambulance.

“Reid?... you have to let them check on you. And then we should take you to the hospital” he said gesturing for the paramedic to come closer to me.

"No... I..." I mumbled, not sure what to say. I was not in physical pain, despite being shot in my arm. Truthfully, I don’t know if I really felt something at that time. I didn't know much about anything. They could have left me there all night and I wouldn't move either.

"Spencer..." Hotch repeated

"I'm fine..." I tried to reply.

“We need to get you checked. Then you can go home,” Hotch stated as the paramedic examined my arm and tested my pulse along with my blood pressure.

"We need to close the case... ". That was a mechanical response, what my mouth let out among all the crossed thoughts that my mind was trying to process at the time.

“Reid, it’s not necessary you do that. The rest of the team can take care of that,” stated Morgan who came closer the ambulance along with JJ, Blake, Rossi and (Y/L/N).

"Spence, let's get you to the hospital first". The tone of compassion was evident in JJ's voice. I guess I was everyone's subject of compassion at the time.

"Not. I… I…”. I muttered in almost audible voice.

I was trying to collect my thoughts. In that minute I was the burden of the team and I hated feeling like that again. I didn't want compassion. I wanted to close my eyes and for everything to end, for everything to disappear. I wanted to gather the strength to get out of that place and be alone. But I couldn’t. My body didn’t respond to my wishes. My hands were shaking. My legs felt numb. Pass out on the spot or explode into a panic attack was equally likely at the time.

Hotch looked at the paramedic to know my condition, he told him I needed some stitches but that it was just that, it seemed to be a superficial wound. “JJ and (Y/L/N) you both go with Reid to the hospital. Morgan, Blake , Rossi and I will still be here. Keep us posted". Hotch instructed as the paramedic and JJ helped me get into the ambulance, (Y/L/N) got on afterwards and closed the doors. I was not able to articulate a single word. I was like a little boy following the current.

My brain was wandering. Thoughts at thousands of revolutions per minute. It was like thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. The images were repeated in my head and tears fell from my eyes. But I was not sobbing. I didn't have the strength for that now. Only tears fell. JJ who was sitting next to me hugged me and I just closed my eyes squeezing them hard to try to shake the pictures that my brain was in charge of putting over and over again.

_'This is not really happening. This can’t be happening…'_

Who else but me would wished to have the power to turn back time. As many times as necessary. I should've talked to the team earlier. I should've suspected something was wrong. The guilt, my friend of so many years, was once again present. In my head I was trying to think logically. But what use can I give to logic now? Just to confirm that I was broke and couldn't do anything about it.

We got to the hospital. I went down the ambulance with the help of JJ and the paramedic who admitted me to an emergency room together with a nurse. JJ and (Y/L/N) stayed in the hallway waiting.

I sat on a gurney and watched a nurse check my wound and clean it. While a doctor was asking me questions about my current health, reviewing my medical record. Realizing I was not saying a word, the doctor turned to JJ and (Y/L/N) who were waiting outside. She made them enter the room.

"Could you tell me what happened? It’s possible Dr. Reid needs more than a physical examination," she stated. JJ looked at (Y/L/N) trying to agree if it was a good idea to tell her what really happened in front of me.

"Doctor, can we talk outside for a moment?" (Y/L/N) told. The doctor nodded and they both left the room. JJ sat across from me while the nurse finished stitching up my arm.

"Spence. I need you to tell me how you feel. I know everything is difficult now, but we need to know how to help you”. I didn’t know how to answer that. I didn't even know the response.

"I don’t know. I just want to go home JJ…” I mumbled.

"I know. But you can't do this alone. You don't have to do it alone" she whispered taking my hand and squeezing it lightly.

"I don't even know what to do… just… I don’t know"

"Whatever you feel you have to do ..."

“I’m broken inside JJ. That's all I know. And I want to be alone,” I said dryly. Maybe it sounded more severe than it should have, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore. I just wanted people to stop asking questions. JJ nodded.

"Well. It’s okay Spence. I'll be outside waiting with (Y/N) for them to finish treating your arm, then we can take you home”. That said, she left the room.

When the nurse finished suturing my arm, I went out of the room to the hall, there was (Y/L/N) who raised her head to look at me instantly. JJ was pacing and talking on the phone without noticing my presence yet.

"How is your arm?" asked (Y/L/N).

"Fine. It was nothing,” I replied. She nodded and seeing that I watched JJ pacing from one place to another, she hastened to explain what was happening.

“Will called and Henry has a fever. They are talking what to do about it"

"Oh. Bad. Why doesn’t she go home?" I asked. (Y/L/N) looked at me with a frown.

"She doesn't want to leave you alone." I just let out a weary sigh. I really didn't want to be ungrateful, but it was clear to me that JJ had to be at her home with Henry and it's not a hospital with me. "She is worried. Don't blame her. We all are worried Reid” (Y/L/N) sentenced when she saw my reaction.

"I know. But it is her family. That shouldn't even be discussed." I replied. When JJ finished speaking she returned to where we were.

"How is Henry?" I queried.

“His fever not down yet, but Will is home. It's okay. He will be okay. Did they discharge you?" JJ asked trying to change the subject towards me.

"Yes. I can leave now,” I replied, playing with my hands in my pockets.

"Well, I'm going to call Will back and let him know that I'll take you home and stay with you today," she said, picking up the phone to call.

“I can't ask you to do that JJ. Go home, Henry needs you. I'll be fine,” I sentenced, trying to sound convincing.

“But Spence..." JJ protested.

“Really. You don't have to worry about me,” I answered again.

“I'll take you home anyway..."

“JJ, seriously, go home". JJ was about to protest again when (Y/L/N) intervened.

“I can take him home, JJ. Reid is right. Go home to Henry,” she said placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Yes, (Y/L/N) will take me to my place. Don't worry,” I assured trying to encourage her to go home. Which apparently worked.

"It's okay. But call me if you need anything, seriously Spence. Anything". I nodded. She came over and gave me a tight embrace. Then she took her purse and left the hospital.

"Before we leave we have to go to the nurses' main desk to sign your discharge and pick up the medicines the doctor left for you," (Y/L/N) said.

I nodded and we went to the nurses’ station. I signed the papers and we took the paper bag with the medications. Seeing that inside the bag there were painkillers and some sleeping pills, I immediately wanted to take them out. Before that, (Y/L/N) anticipated and grabbed my wrist to stop me.

“Hey, Reid. _Stop_. They are not that kind of _painkillers_. Reid, it's all in your medical record. These are not contraindicated for you. They are not dangerous for you and you can use them only if you need them, you have no obligation to do so” (Y/L/N) pointed out taking the paper bag by herself.

“Okay” I mustered.

"Good. Now we can leave” she said resuming her walking to the hospital’s exit.

The taxi ride was silent. None spoke the entire trip. Despite that, I wasn't uncomfortable, I just wanted to get to my place. I was grateful (Y/L/N) didn't ask questions or try to have some kind of conversation with me.

That was not unusual either. With (Y/L/N) we didn't talk too much. She joined to the team four years ago and in terms of closeness, you could say we have a polite relationship. She is a Georgetown Graduate of Forensic Psychology, born and raised in DC. As far as I knew, she lived with her parents until she graduated. With a traditional family, her two older brothers pursued careers in medicine and law, respectively. Beyond that, I didn't know much else about her.

If they ask me how to describe her, I must say she is a _joyful_ and _tenacious_ woman, but _discreet_ and _reserved_. It’s true in the team we have the rule of not profiling each other, but we have all broken that rule one time at least. In the case of (Y/L/N), the times I tried to profile her, the only things that came to the surface as obvious to me were her emotional and positive outlook on cases and her excessive secrecy about her personal life. Regarding this last observation, is not the rest of the team's members look like an open book, not all them at least. But with her whenever anyone tried to delve into personal issues beyond the obvious, you could tell right away the defensive wall that she places in front of her. I don't blame her for that either, we all have our own defensive walls.

In addition, I was sure she didn’t like me. Beyond our opinions’ exchanges and ways of seeing things differently, I think she disliked my ramblings and detours. I must confess her gaze to me when I rambled sometimes was kind of uncomfortable to me, so I preferred not to talk to her much. Keeping our relationship strictly professional was not difficult for both of us. When Prentiss left the BAU, (Y/L/N) grew closer to the rest of the team, which made her look more comfortable with everyone. But with me there was no such closeness. Nevertheless I didn't notice much of a difference, we're still friendly, but I was still intimidated by not knowing much what to expect from her. Not being able to read her completely made me awkward, so I kept my distance.

We got out the taxi and (Y/L/N) escorted me to the door of my apartment. When I opened the door, I stepped inside leaving the keys in the hall table. I hadn't realized she stood in the doorway looking at me. When I noticed it, I turned over and looked at her. I don't think we had made eye contact since the hospital.

“Thanks for the ride (Y/L/N),” I murmured.

“You don't have to thank me Reid. Do you need something?, If you want... I can make you something to eat before I go. Surely you haven't eaten in hours…,” she said testing waters.

"No, it’s okay. I'm fine. I just need... you know...," I replied trying not to be rude. I wouldn’t be fair, she was being nice without trying to be too intrusive.

“…To be _alone_. I know. I get it. That's why you didn't want JJ to bring you here,” (Y/L/N) added.

"Yeah. She was going to insist on staying…,” I said almost guiltily. I didn't like to reject my friends, but this was not the time to talk to anyone.

“I know. You don’t have to explain it to me… but sure you going to be okay here?. Sorry, I don't want to be disrespectful of your space… but… I don’t know…” (Y/L/N) told me.

“Eventually I will be... I guess,” I replied with a shrug.

"Yeah. Just try to get at least a little sleep and eat. Hotch sure will call you in the morning"

"Thank you (Y/L/N)... for understanding,” I replied, outlining a bitter smile.

"I know no words are useful now… but just remember if you need anything, you can call us, okay?” she said, handing me the paper bag containing the medications they gave us at the hospital. “Use these ones only if you need them," she reminded me again.

"Thank you"

When I closed the door and was finally able to be alone, I could barely crawl onto the couch. I put the paper bag with the meds on the coffee table and curled up on the couch hugging my knees. It was when I allowed myself to cry again. This time emptying all my grief and frustration. Nothing stopped my tears. Nothing stopped my thoughts. _My fault_. _My pain_.

Every time I closed my eyes I saw Maeve looking at me, almost imploring. I felt a stake sinking into my heart every time I saw her watery eyes. The first and only time I would see the woman I loved. Fate is cruel. It should have been me, not an innocent woman. Not _her_.

I didn't want to close my eyes anymore. I lay back on the couch and stuck my gaze on the ceiling. When tears blurred my vision, I would blink and then continue to stare above. I would have given everything I had at the time to make my head go blank and not to think. I hated my eidetic memory.

I don't remember if I slept. Eventually I did, I don't know if I closed my eyes or just turned my brain off after these amount of hours staring at the ceiling. What brought me back to reality was the ringing of my cell phone. Just as (Y/L/N) had anticipated, Hotch was calling me.

"Reid…," I said answering the phone with a barely audible voice.

"Sorry if I woke you up," Hotch stated on the other end of the line.

"You don’t. I wasn't sleeping,” I replied, with a raspy voice.

"I was calling to check on you,” Hotch summed up.

"Uhm. I don't know what to answer...,” I murmured.

"I get it. You don't have to have an answer to that.” There was a little silence before anyone spoke again.

"Hotch... what happened to...?". I wanted to know what had happened after they took me to the hospital, but I didn't dare ask.

“We spoke to her parents last night. The funerals will be tomorrow. We are supporting and helping them as much as we can,” said Hotch knowing exactly what I wanted to ask.

“Is there something I can...?," It was difficult for me to speak and finish the sentences. The lump that had been stuck from the previous day was crowding in my throat.

“It’s not necessary. Blake and Morgan are taking care of that. The funeral is at noon. I can tell Morgan to pick you up…"

“It's okay. It’s not needed. I guess I'll see you there…”

“Yes. There we will be,” said Hotch.

“Okay. Thanks Hotch"

“No problem. And... Reid?”

“Yes. I know. Thank you”. I hanged up the phone and tossed it on the coffee table. I resumed my position by looking at the ceiling.

Hours passed before my body decided to do something. I think I went to the bathroom a couple of times. I think I made coffee. I guess at some point I got a snack from the fridge. It was irrelevant anyway. All I remember was being on the couch. I took her book out of my messenger bag and I looked at it for hours. It was the only thing I had of her. It was the only thing Diane didn't take from us.

The funeral’s day I managed to get to the bathroom and clean myself. When I went into my room searching for clothes to wear, I realized that the place was pristine. I hadn't been in there in almost two whole days. Instinctively I took a black suit, a white shirt, black shoes, and a black tie. My outfit for the funeral. Once dressed, I took the keys, an umbrella and left the apartment.

When I got to the cemetery, the team was waiting for me at the entrance. Each one without saying a word gave me a hug. We walked in silence to the sector where people gathered around her grave. Maeve's parents saw us arrive and gave us an empathetic smile. They didn't even know who I was. They assumed the FBI had shown up at their daughter's funeral out of courtesy. I also didn't know if I wanted them to know at this point. What could I have said to them? _'I'm sorry, I loved your daughter and because of me now she is dead'_. No, it was better that they didn't even know about my existence, even if that was denying the world that ours was real.

As the ceremony developed, the rain began to fall more incessantly. All sheltered under our umbrellas. The outlook grew bleaker. My eyes were burning. To one side I had JJ who every so often would trace circles on my back with one of her hands to comfort me. On the other side Morgan who I knew looked at me from time to time. Maybe they expected me to break down at any moment, I don't know.

It was a short funeral. Once finished, we all approached Maeve's parents to offer condolences. I doubted. I didn't want to go near the coffin. I didn't feel capable to do it. But I had to. Hotch was the one who led the BAU group, then Rossi, me, Garcia, JJ, Blake, Morgan and (Y/L/N). When it was my turn, I could only give Maeve's parents an awkward hug. No word came out of my mouth. They didn't expect me to say something either. Trying to keep some distance I approached the coffin and left a white rose, which was my only tribute to her. Something as miniscule as my promise to keep her safe.

People began to leave the place, even Maeve's parents themselves. Hotch asked if he could taking me home. I told him not to worry. I wanted to stay alone there for a moment. Despite JJ and Morgan's protests, Hotch agreed to my request and resumed his walk out of the cemetery along with the rest of the team.

I made sure no one was left and I came close to the grave again. Protected from the rain by my umbrella I stood in front of it looking at the name 'Maeve Donovan' written on the stone for a long time, while I decided whether to say something or just leave. What was the point of talking to a grave? I never understood that. But something told me it was something I needed to do. Despite the constant lump stuck in my throat, I managed to get a few words out.

"I hope… you don't mind I came here today. Despite everything, I think I needed to say goodbye, right?. Maeve… I'm so sorry. I never wanted this to end like this…”. My words mixed with sobs that I couldn't stop. “I hope one day… one day you can forgive me. I couldn't protect you. That… will always weigh on me. Of course you deserved a better life and I was willing to give you that. I would... I would have given you all if I could… just… I just… I wanted to tell you that _I love you_. And I should have told you earlier. I know it's not much now, but I wanted you to know. I love you and _I’ll never forget you_ , even if I want to. Perhaps in another universe, if it exists, we can meet again. Maybe we can have another chance... just, please... forgive me. I tried..."

I couldn't keep talking. I closed my eyes to try to calm myself and stop my sobs. That took me a few minutes. The good thing was there was no one around me. When I could regain some composure I decided it was time to go even though my feet didn't want to move. I tried to convince myself that there was only an inert body lying there. That there was no reason for me to stay in a contemplative attitude in front of a grave.

I started walking. A few meters higher, almost in the beginning of the asphalt path that led to the cemetery’s exit, was (Y/L/N) standing. With her hands in her coat pockets and no umbrella, she was at the mercy of the rain that was now falling but with less intensity. Of all the people on the team, she was the one I least expected to see at the time. I had already said goodbye to everyone and everyone had agreed to leave me alone there. As I approached she noticed my presence and looked at me giving me a small smile.

“I thought everyone was gone already...,” I muttered.

“Yes. They all left,” she de facto replied.

“(Y/L/N)... I don't want to be rude, but I don't need a bodyguard... I told Hotch that...”

“I know. I know. I know you wanted to be alone here. But in this opportunity, call it a little coincidence,” she stated.

“Why?, how is that?”. I didn't understand how that answer fitted in with what was happening.

“Ehm, my mom’s grave is in that area. I hadn't come in a while and couldn't leave without stop there…,” she replied pointing to a sector of graves that was further down the path. That made me feel bad. Her reasons for being there had nothing to do with me. Of course, not everything has to do with me, right?. At the time I hadn't thought of it that way.

“Oh. I didn’t know. I’m sorry,” I tried to apologize.

"It's okay. You didn't have to know, really," she told me.

“When?...” . It was none of my business, but I thought it was respectful not to cut the subject abruptly.

“5 months ago,” she replied.

“Really, I didn’t know... sorry"

“In fact, few people know this. So calm down, it's okay Reid,” she assured me.

“Okay...,” I said nodding.

“Well, do you have how to go home?,” she asked me, pulling her hands out of her pockets.

“I was thinking of taking a taxi,” I replied pointing to the exit.

“If you want I drive you home. Sure, if you don't mind. My car is only a few meters from the exit”

“I don't want to change your plans, I can take a taxi. It’s okay for me...”

“I have no specific plans either. And you don't have to talk on the ride if you don't want to. Nor will I ask you questions if you don't want to," she told me with a shrug. I thought about her offer for a few seconds before answered her.

“Okay. I accept. Thank you”

The car ride was silent. Almost like the trip from the hospital two nights ago. Loyal to her word, (Y/L/N) asked no questions. I was focused on watching the raindrops hit the window hard every time the car went a little faster. I didn't realize when I was the one who broke the silence.

“I guess … everyone is still confused by what happened…," I said shyly.

“Ehm… yes. I suppose so…” (Y/L/N) replied clearly surprised by me speaking and starting the conversation.

“I... I just wanted to keep it private... thinking that it might be better this way... that I could ... protect her that way...”. It seemed like I was apologizing without knowing why. I know they would understand, but put it into words seemed the right thing to do for me.

“Reid, we get it. Really. Nobody is going to blame you for that. Seriously..." (Y/L/N) replied trying to comfort me.

“If the result had been different, maybe you do...,” I suggested.

“Maybe. But don't think about it. Now you must take your time… and heal yourself…,” she assured.

“Yes. Take my time…,” I repeated. “Although I don't know exactly how that works. Maybe I would be more useful at work,” I said with a nod.

“I don't know Reid. I don’t want to be rude but... I don’t think you're ready to return,” she replied.

“I'm not ready you say? What I need to do to be ready? Sink down on my couch and cry for a month?,” I tossed the words harsher than I wanted to do it.

“I don't know, Reid. Maybe that's a way…,” she replied without changing her tone of voice despite my having raised mine.

“What do you mean?,” I asked.

“We know that all people grieve differently. We have seen it. And it’s a necessary process. Maybe it's not sinking into your couch and crying. Or maybe it is. There are people who make their mourns alone and others not. I don’t know. Just don't deny the fact you need to do it”

“I’m not denying it...,” I muttered in my defense.

“Well. Then you’ll understand that you need your time to do that...”

“How much time?” I asked, almost rhetorically.

“I wish I could tell you. But I don't know,” she replied, biting her lower lip with a discomfort grimace.

Perhaps she was right. And maybe it was true. There is no accurate time estimate for these things. But I like certainties. Not knowing what to expect makes me uneasy, makes me anxious. I would’ve liked to know what was going to happen to me at this time and how long could take before 'back to normal'. Was it too much to ask?. (Y/L/N) was honest in that topic. Would I have preferred she lie to me? Maybe, I don’t know.

We arrived at my building. I thanked her for bringing me and was about to go out the car when she started to speak.

“I’m going to say this again. I know everyone has told you the same thing, but if you want to talk at some point… I won't be very wise in a lot of things, but at least I'm a good listener and well, at least some of mourning I think I understand. And I can keep my opinion to myself if it’s necessary,” she said looking at me.

It was the first time she showed this kind of personal approach to me. Was it the result of compassion? Maybe, but her words sounded sincere. It was not the moment, of course, but the intention was valid.

“Thank you (Y/L/N). I’ll think about it, really”. I got out of the car and went into the building.

Finding myself back in the apartment brought back the pity and sadness to me. I took off my coat and jacket and loosened my tie. I took my previously position on the couch. Dropping my head back, I rubbed my eyes. And now what?. _'Take my time'_ , that was I supposed to do. The only thing that came to my head at the time was to take some books off the shelf and start reading. In all the languages and genres I could choose from. Nothing else mattered. I read and cried. A few hours later I was lying half naked on my couch reading perhaps my book number 20. Out of sheer exhaustion I closed my eyes and fell asleep. _I dreamed of her_. She was talking to me in the dream but I couldn't understand her words.

I woke up startled. That would be one of the many dreams he would have with Maeve through the weeks and months. Some would lead me to reminisce over and over that fateful night. In others dreams I allowed me the idea of being together and happy. In others dreams I had to face their parents who blamed me for what happened. I remember waking up sweating and screaming many times during the nights. Nights where I couldn't reconcile with my own bed. The living room became the only place in the house where I could be.

Different team’s members tried to talk to me for the first two weeks after the funeral. But I didn’t answer calls. Neither I opened the door when they were more daring and came to visit me. Every other day García would bring me a basket with nuts and other things to eat. JJ used to come knock on the door in the mornings before going to the BAU. On no occasion did I open the door. To find out if I was alive, they asked me to give some sign. I only managed to respond with bangs on the wall. Morgan tried to call me a million times. Hotch did that too, but with less recurrence. Rossi also tried to talk to me on the phone a few times, as did Blake, who eventually opted to send a few text messages, some of which I replied briefly. (Y/L/N) didn't call me, text me, or come knocking on my door in those two weeks. I didn't think much of it. On the contrary, I appreciated it. At least one less person to give explanations that I didn't want to give.

I don't think I slept well either of those nights. I ate poorly. I drank a lot of coffee. I think I only showered a couple of times. I didn't get dressed any of those days. I was wearing pajamas all the time. The only thing that I kept doing regularly were the letters I wrote to my mom. But in none of them did I express exactly how I felt. I didn't want to worry her either. She was not having very good days, so taking her out of the routine with this 'event' would not have been a good idea.

Days passed and when I felt like I had shed enough tears, they would suddenly return. Some nights I was able to sleep better. In others I continued having dreams and waking up startled. There were days and days. Maybe I would have to get used to that.

One night I noticed that there was something under the door. It was a paper the size of a letter sheet and had _'The BAU's Gazette'_ written as a title in big letters. I took it with curiosity and began to read it. The sheet was divided into pencil-marked sections possibly drawn with a ruler, given the perfection of the lines. Each handwritten section had a subtitle. The first subtitle said _'The Unsub of the Week'_ and had part of a case description written on it. Probably the last case of the team, as it didn’t look like any of the ones I have seen. Another section was titled like _'Happened at the BAU'_ and described Jack Hotchner's latest soccer game, with a photo of Hotch and Jack laughing on a football court glued over the paper. There was also a picture of Morgan with a text that said _'Days without Morgan kicking a door: 2'_. Turning the page there was another section: _'Penelope suggests'_ describing a list of recommendations on various subjects in the Garcia style, of course. The sheet ended with a little _puzzle_ to solve with things related to the team, such as the name of Rossi' second wife or how to spell Will's last name correctly.

After inspecting it, I couldn't help the smile emerging on my face, as well as some of the tears welled up in my eyes, but this time they felt different. I sat on the couch and after reading the paper again, I ended up doing the puzzle, which clearly didn't take me more than 30 seconds to solve.

Almost every other day, after 10 PM or so, new versions of the _Gazette_ would slip through my apartment door. That's how I knew about some of the cases the BAU was working on and how the team's members were. I knew that Rossi had a cold, Henry had earned an excellent grade in a science project, Blake had received a distinction from her Georgetown’ students, and Garcia had purchased a new collection of stuffed unicorns.

At first I thought it was Garcia who was behind all this. It seemed reasonable to me, because she is the one who always seeks to raise your spirits in any way. The funny thing was that I knew García's handwriting and the handwritten text told me that it wasn't her. However, I was sure I knew that handwriting.

My suspicions were confirmed one night I was walking from the kitchen to the living room with a mug full of coffee in hand and at the same time saw the paper slide under the door. I hurried over and flung the door open. About to go down the stairs was (Y/L/N) who just looked in the direction of the door when I opened it. She stood on the first step while I was staring at her with my coffee mug in hand and the _Gazette_ in the other. I was going to say something but I didn't know what to say. There was a little silence. She spoke first.

“Enjoy today's version. Morgan kicked a door in the last case we had in Tampa yesterday. The whole description is there,” she said with a smile. I smiled back. When I didn't say anything, (Y/L/N) was about to resume her departure down the stairs. My words just came out in that moment.

“Maybe you could give me more details on that. It sounds like a great story and newspapers are not usually very detailed…”. I explained.

“Yeah, there are a lot of details of that… indeed” (Y/L/N) replied.

“I would… I would like to heard about it. If you have time, of course. I just made some coffee”. I stated raising the mug in my hand.

“Yeah… sure. Why not?. Coffee sounds perfect to me” she replied with a small smile.

———————

_“Every storm runs, runs out of rain_

_Just like every dark night turns into day_

_Every heartache will fade away_

_Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain…”_


	3. If You Need Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader describes how her experiences with previous mourns could be useful to help Spencer in his process to overcome Maeve's death. The ending could be unexpected.

——————–

_“I wish I could fix it, I wish I knew what to say_

_But everything feels like a lie these days…”_

——————–

One of the only things known for sure about mourns is they are different from person to person. I can say it knowingly and thinking about my own experience.

In college I met Jill. As me, she went to Georgetown and studied Psychology with the purpose to do the Clinical Psychology’ specialization in the last year. That was the same specialty I originally planned for myself. Then I changed my choice for Forensic Psychology, and although we saw each other less, we were still best friends.

Jill must have been one of the happiest people I ever met in my life, by far. Which is saying enough, thinking that in my college days I was also quite outgoing and liked to make everyone laugh. But Jill was different, she had that spark and happiness of a person with a lot of innocence, with too much kindness and belief in humankind. ‘ _Too much credit to shitty-people_ ’ I thought many times. Clearly that brought unwanted consequences in her life. Many of those who called themselves her friends took advantage of her kindness and generosity.

But she didn't care. She was happy helping others. She was happy making people around her feel good. Sometimes we 'argued' about it. I told her there were people who didn’t deserve her good manners and concern. She refuted me by saying that everyone deserves good things in life and even those who make mistakes deserve a second chance. That was her concept of life. After a while I stopped arguing about it and accepted her like that despite I thought it was unfair to her.

I was sure even though the injustices Jill had experienced in her short life, her future would bring good things. It was what had to happen, right? Good people must be rewarded. But sometimes life shows you the opposite and in this particular situation, in the worst possible way.

It was our last semester in the major. We were happy because our graduation would happen in two months, although I started taking master's courses like Jill, but reaching the major graduation milestone was reason enough to be happy and celebrate. One of those semester’s weekend we decided deserved to party all night. So we chose one of the parties inside the campus.

We were having a good time. Jill ran into an ex-boyfriend for whom she still had feelings. Though our alcohol level was high, in my case I didn't feel comfortable watching Jill grow closer and closer to her ex through the night. The guy was an asshole, but she liked him. Could I fight that current? Knowing Jill, it was impossible, so I dropped it.

In a point of the night Jill disappeared from my sight, as did her ex, so it was not difficult for me to think they were together making up somewhere close to the party. In order not to kill the mood, I started flirting with a master's student who I knew had been watching me for hours. We danced a lot, drank a lot, and ended in a making out session under a ladder.

Around 3 AM the party weren’t crowded as at the beginning, but enough to keep it going. From one moment to the next one of our classmate runs in and shouts: _"(Y/N)!, (Y/N)!"_. Hearing my name, I immediately looked at the entrance and when I asked what was happening, she told me: _"It's Jill! She had an accident!... They called an ambulance, she's lying on the street a few blocks below!"._ I felt like the alcohol suddenly left my body, as I ran to see where Jill was.

Indeed she was in the middle of the street and there were people around her. I could feel the sirens of an ambulance approaching. A car hit her. The driver had gotten out of the vehicle and was holding his head with both hands, shouting _‘she crossed the street suddenly! I didn't see her coming!... she was running’_. I crouched down beside her. Jill was conscious and hearing her name leave my lips she turned her head to see me.

"(Y/N)..." she muttered.

"Shhh. Jill, please don't speak. The ambulance is coming. Be quiet. We’ll take you to the hospital. Squeeze my hand and don't close your eyes, please...," I begged.

"(Y/N)... I have to tell you ...". She gestured for me to come closer, she wanted to talk to me. I listened without knowing much else to do. I put my ear close to her wounded mouth from where traces of blood emanated. After a sigh of pain, she murmured in my ear what really happened. Tears began to flow from my eyes without being able to control them. I raised my head so I could look at her. She closed her eyes embarrassed. That broke my heart.

“Hey, everything is going to be fine. Please squeeze my hand. Open your eyes Jill. Stay with me. Please Jill, we’ll get out of this. We’ll get our majors in two months, remember?...”. The ambulance had arrived and two paramedics were checking her injuries and vital signs.

"Beat them, (Y/N), you are the best of us...".

Those were her last words. Jill’s life faded from one moment to the next. One person's bright future _cut in just minutes_. I was angry. I had a whole rage against the whole world. The struggle was hard. I was in therapy for months after what happened. The worst thing was that beyond the tragedy itself, having lost a friend, the circumstances surrounding Jill's death were unfair and completely referable to another person, who never received any sanction for what happened. I think for the first time in my life _I wished someone else pain and suffering_ from the depths of my gut. That made me disgusted with myself and since I couldn't punish another person, I punished myself, convincing myself what happened to Jill was largely my fault, for not being with her, for letting her go that night.

Of course since then I was not the same person. It took me a lot to get peace with the world and, above all, with myself. Taking off guilt is one of the hardest things to do. Assuming there are things beyond your power and that many times you cannot avoid, is difficult to believe and accept. Undeniably.

-/-/-/-/-

"So Morgan had the pleasure of kicking a door yesterday. It seemed like many days without incident,” Reid said after sipping his coffee.

“Yes, he was ecstatic. You would have seen him. Too bad I couldn't take a picture of him”. I replied laughing. Reid managed a _genuine smile_. Something that was not seen for weeks. I must admit it felt good to see him at least smile. Everyone on the team knew he was going through a difficult time, but it was time to start to heal.

"I can guess. Do you know how much the FBI spends annually on repairing and cleaning infrastructure for field operations? It is a ridiculous amount of money. The good thing is that it’s absorbed by the bureau and is not transferred to the agents,” Reid stated.

"I _had no idea_ about it. But now that you mentioned it, maybe we should control Morgan a little more”. I replied smiling. Reid nodded in agreement.

"And how is doing the rest of the team? I read about Blake and Garcia. Also Henry’s grades and Rossi' cold..." he asked.

“Well, you know… the _usual_ with the BAU's cases. Some days ago JJ got into a little argument with Hotch because of a local cop who wasn't being very cooperative. JJ wanted to push him a bit more and Hotch didn't want to. You know, ‘ _we must keep good relations with the local police_ ’, ‘ _we are guests here’_ , etc. Blake interceded and they finally reached an agreement about how to proceed. It was good, because there were indeed files that those local cops had not given us and they had quite useful information to locate the unsub…”. I explained.

“There are times local police could make the job easier…” stated Reid. I nodded, finishing drinking my remaining coffee. There was a silence, I wanted to ask the obvious question, but I hesitated a bit. But hey, _what the heck?_ I cleared my throat and let it out of my mouth.

“And how are you?" I asked as cautiously as possible. Reid fixed his gaze on the empty mug and it was a few seconds before he dared to answer.

“Honestly?... I don't know. It's hard to say yet. It's hard for me to think clearly but it's not the same as 4 weeks ago… I guess…” he declared.

“Well, time passes, doesn't it?”

“Yeah, I guess that's it. Time is _inexorable_ and the only certainty we have. Now... clearly I'm not... ready? Look around you. This place is a mess. I’m a mess. I haven't shaved or worn any clothes other than pajamas…”. He complained shaking his head.

“It's something you can… _change_. Eventually. If you had the energy to do it. But I can understand you don't have that energy yet. That you feel worn out. It’s not uncommon that it happens”.

“It's time to do it though, right?,” he said with a shrug.

“I would say ‘yes’. But you’re the one who knows self-best”. I didn't want to sound like I was pressuring him to do something.

“Trust me I've doubted about that these weeks...” he muttered. I looked at him oddly at first.

“Why you say that?” I asked him.

“There are days… when I don't know myself. Moments when I curse the whole world. That I rebel against all belief, worldly or not...”

“... and then you blame yourself and feel like a bad person for thinking those things, and you blame yourself again and curse yourself” I finished saying. Reid's eyes widened, as if he had taken the words out of his mouth.

“How do you know...?” Reid tried to ask.

“Let's say I've been there before...” I muttered staring at the empty mug.

Reid stared at me for a few seconds. He probably wanted to ask me more about that but you could tell he was trying to contain himself. Surely he thought it would sound like an invasion of my privacy. He chose to talk about himself instead.

“I see her in my dreams, you know?. It's hard to wake up and be yourself after that”. He acknowledged. I looked at him again, his eyes were beginning to glow from the tears that were accumulating.

“Yeah. I think that part may be the hardest to overcome. Your subconscious betrays you”. I affirmed.

“Did the same thing happen to you when your mom…?” He tried to ask.

“Yes. It did happened to me that time too. But with my mom they were different dreams. They were more like memories at the beginning… not like nightmares”

“ _Too?_...” Reid asked with a frown. I sighed.

“Eh yes. Well… some years ago I lost a friend, tragically I must say. After that I spent months having nightmares. I still have them from time to time...”. I confessed

“Oh. I’m sorry...”

“It's okay. It happened years ago. I was still in college”

“And… how did you handle it?”

“Therapy, self-awareness and acceptance. I was convinced it was my fault...”. I replied.

“Uhm... do you think I'm blaming myself for Maeve’s death?”. Reid asked raising an eyebrow.

“I don't think so, I'm sure of that”. I stated.

“How can you be sure of that?” Reid defended himself.

“Just as you guys have tried to profile me for years, against all Hotch rules, I've done my thing...”. I replied with a small smile.

“It’s inevitable, isn’t?...”

“It's our job and we do it all the time. What else can you expect?”. I added.

“So… you think I blame myself for her death?” he asked again.

“I think so. There's always a _'what if'_ feeling. What would have happened if I arrived a little earlier or if instead of this I had done differently. I know. When you can't blame others, you choose to blame yourself”. I replied scratching the base of my neck.

I could see how Reid's face darkened. Tears welled up in his eyes, while a few sobs escaped his mouth. I felt bad. Maybe I said more than I should have said in that moment.

“Sorry. I didn't want to push so hard on that”. I tried to apologize. He shook his head as he tried to compose himself.

“Don’t be sorry. I think in some way you're right. It's hard not to blame yourself. I've done it all these weeks… and I really still believe it's my fault…”. He pointed out.

“It will be a long time before you can shake the guilt off yourself. For that it is good to talk and... not to shut yourself up... I think that works in the long run”

“Probably...”

There was a silence. I could feel the gears in Reid's head moving to make sense of the things we were talking about. At some point my mind was lost too. I thought of my mom. I thought of Jill. Nor could I say, after all this time, that the wounds were completely healed. At least now I could feel a little peace and reconciliation with myself.

“Can I ask you a question?”. Listening to Reid took me out of my internal thoughts.

“Yeah, sure”. I replied.

“Why you did it?”. He asked pointing to the page of the last gazette. I raised an eyebrow pondering how to respond to that.

"I don’t know. I guess... you not wanting to talk to us wasn't that you didn't want to hear about us. I know, it’s a very self-centered thought, but the fact is... rather, I thought it might be good to keep you up-date on what's going on outside of your apartment in some... different way?”

“Are you sure there is no emotional cognitive test behind this?”. He asked leaning back in his chair.

“Reid, I left clinical psychology years ago. There is something of that in me, but I'm not looking to test you far from it”. I said smiling.

“Well. Thank you. It was a nice gesture… I don't remember anyone ever doing something like that for me before. And it has helped me not to be so focused on… well, you know…”.

“I'm glad it worked in some way. The truth is that you are missed in the BAU”. I replied.

“Yeah? ... I thought you guys were pleased not having to listen my ramblings every day and all day...”. Reid said.

“Hey! We like your ramblings! It's part of our daily basis”. He looked at me skeptically. “What?, why are you looking me like that?”.

“I just didn't think I was going to hear that from you...”. He declared.

“Why not?”. I asked curiously.

“Uhm, well… I've always thought you don't like me because of my ramblings and statistics. I thought it was something that really disturbed you about me...”

“Where did you get that from? It's not true!... of course, I must say that sometimes you overstate... but! It’s part of you and we miss that. I don't know why you think I don't like you because of that”. Did he really believe that?

“I don’t know. I had that feeling...”

“You're wrong about that. It’s true that we are not ‘close’ to each other, but it doesn’t mean I dislike you. You are part of the BAU family”. I explained.

“I think I misjudged you then... I’m sorry”.

“Don’t be. We haven't gotten to know each other too much, that's all. It's not a big deal either”.

Our talk continued with another coffee and some cookies Reid had collected from the last basket Garcia brought to his apartment. There were moments when he would let out a few sobs, especially when we got back on Maeve. Despite that, he looked more relieved. Being able to say things took a weight off him, so much so he felt confident enough to asking me about what happened with my mother and Jill, to which I agreed to respond especially in relation to the grieving process I had to face after their deaths. At one point I checked my cell phone and had several missed calls and text messages from Ryan, my boyfriend. I had not realized that it was early morning. Noticing it, I thought it was a good time to go home.

“Wow. It's late. I think I should go...”

“Yeah, you're right. I had not realized the time”

“Yes. But it was good to see you”. I said smiling as I got up from the chair to take my coat and purse.

“Thanks for… well, everything. I think it's time to go back to work”. He replied as he walked me to the door.

“Reid, that's only if you're sure. Nobody is pressuring you, you know that, right?". I assured him.

“I know. It's my decision, and I think it's time to do it”. He stated.

“Okay. See you soon then”. I said goodbye waving him and left the apartment on my way to the stairs.

Once in my car, I checked Ryan's messages. All of them with similar stamp: _'I've been calling you'_ , _'Are you okay?'_ , _'You haven't answered my messages'_ , _'You're upset with me'_. While it wasn't usual for him to overwhelm me with messages and calls, it was something that bothered me. I was not one who called themselves controlling with their partners, so I didn’t like receiving the same treatment either. I just sent him a _'I'm fine, let's talk tomorrow'_ message, which it was something I would do definitely. I couldn't let this go or make it become a regular practice.

Two days later Reid returned to the bullpen. Welcoming hugs proliferated. He had spoken to Hotch, who had warned us about the doctor's return, as a way to mentally prepare us. He expressly asked us not to bother him with questions even though that was obvious to everyone.

Reid looked happy to be back, although his appearance was not much different from what I had seen in his apartment days before. The difference was that now he looked cleaned and in clothes that were not pajamas. ‘ _With small changes progress is made’_ , they say.

JJ and Morgan kept an eye on him all day. As well as the entire first week after his return. In the first case we had out of town, things went relatively well. It wasn’t a very complex case, so we were not so many days away from DC. It was obvious everyone was worried about Reid, but no one wanted to burden him with questions. Still, _glances speak louder than a thousand words_ , and in a room full of profilers, it was hard not to feel the concern in the air. Clearly Reid felt it, and he started searching for places to be alone. When we were at a local police station, it was not uncommon to see him in a corner absorbed in a case file, avoiding contact with the rest of the world.

Weeks passed and sometimes I wondered if he didn't feel the urge for talking, like he did in his apartment before going back to work. It was good practice in my opinion, but I figured it was something he would eventually do with Morgan, Blake or JJ. It was reasonable to think of it that way.

Trying not to make him uncomfortable, I sometimes walked over just to pass him a coffee. He always gave me a grateful smile back. Sometimes I dared to ask him how he was doing and his answers, although brief, were honest: _‘Not as well as I would like’_ or _‘today doesn't seem to be such a good day’_. Somehow I tried to encourage him by telling him that there would be better days.

Reid always told me he appreciates my concern for him. After all, I couldn't tell if it was because of his particular situation or not, but I could feel some of the walls that Reid had with me falling apart as the weeks went by.

For me, in addition to this new _'normal'_ rhythm in the team and Reid’s reinstatement, I had to deal with the outbursts of insecurity from Ryan, who was not so pleased that my job considered traveling around the country not distinguishing between work and non-work hours, and clearly not distinguishing between weekdays and weekends. God!, is it so hard to understand? Serial killers have no specific times for _doing their things_ , you know?

My biggest conclusion thinking about this is this kind of work and deal with a relationship is not that easy. Beyond that, for me _relationships suck_ in general. In all my years of dating I think I found just one man who was close to the decency. And now he is living a wild life in Africa. Nice (Y/N), keep trying, because Ryan doesn't fit in the scene like I wish he had.

Maybe I’m not an good girlfriend after all. Maybe I need to give Ryan a try. But... it’s just difficult to me explain how my job works every time he doubts about why I spend too much time out of city and immersed in case files. Or being late for something. Is exhausting.

I suppose this situation can explain why it is difficult for me to be in a relationship. I get overwhelmed quickly. I like my independence. I like not being controlled. Selfish, I know. Maybe I still can't find the right person who I don't mind having to answer messages and calls late at night. I often think about that a lot, although I always come to the conclusion that I won’t do anything to change, so it seems I’ll be meant to be single. It's not a big deal either.

We were on a case in Dakota one afternoon and I was completely fed up of Ryan from his constant calls and texts, so I walked out of the police station and sat on one of the benches with a coffee in hand. I don't usually smoke, but at that point I would have killed for a cigarette. Apparently the universe heard my prayers and sent Rossi with a pack of cigarettes and a lighter by my side.

“I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm 99% sure you need it,” Rossi told me as he handed me the objects to satisfy my craving need.

“Thanks Rossi. You are my personal saint”

“Far from it. But thank you”.

Like a junkie, I took out a cigarette and lit it. After a few puffs I felt my soul return to my body.

“Hey, are you okay?”. Rossi asked testing waters with me.

“Yeah. I'm okay. What’s it Rossi, why do you think I’m not?,” I replied laughing.

“Uhm… maybe because I saw you a little bit more distracted and anxious this days...”

“Did I? Wow, I don’t know what to tell you. Tired, perhaps?”

“Perhaps. But I’m worried, you know? You’re our latest savior, we need to care about you” said Rossi with a huge grin in his face.

“How is that?” I asked confused.

“You brought the kid back. That’s a huge accomplishment”

“What do you mean?”

“I know what you did so Reid could re-connect with us and the outside world, mostly. That’s was a lot of work. Neither Penelope's baskets, nor JJ's visits, nor Derek's calls could do it. Congratulations _bella_... and thank you by the way”. He told me.

“I did nothing. Just a small gesture. And an extensive talk, to which he voluntarily agreed”. I stated nonchalantly.

“You may see it as something small, but believe me, it’s was a huge thing. I didn't know that you and Reid were so close after all…”

“We are not. I guess we're just _grieving partners_ in some way. I know, it sounds a little weird, but you know what I mean, right?”

“Yes, I get it. Sharing experiences is an important step for a _great friendship_ , did you know?”

“Yeah. Perhaps…”

“It is. Very important for a good friendship…,” Rossi repeated again with an expression that showed he wanted to say something else and did not dare to do so.

“Rossi, do you want to share with the class?”. I asked him.

“No, nothing to share _bella_. Forget it. It’s okay”

“I’m a profiler too, do you remember that, right?,” I reminded him.

“Yeah. I know. But, don’t worry. I'm just saying I'm glad Reid sees you as someone he can trust especially in a moment like this. That’s all”. He replied giving me a gentle squeeze on my arm.

“Okay…”. I was not very convinced, but he was not going to say anything else about it.

“Really. But is another thing bothering me now: I know your mind now is struggling for something and I would like to help”. My first response was a deep sigh. Then I stubbed out the cigarette butt I just smoked.

“Yeah. You’re right. But… I guess I need to figure out by myself. You know, feelings sucks sometimes…”

“Are you telling me that? To the man with 3 marriages?,” he told me chuckling.

“Well. I guess I’m in the opposite side. I doubt that I’ll ever take that kind of step. It's not something that disturbs me, but sometimes... I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much”

“You deserve that ‘ _too much’_. No less than that. If you feel like you're not getting it, don't feel guilty about stepping aside”

“Why are you flattering me like that? You're not helping me lower my expectations, you know?”

“You don't deserve low expectations (Y/N), on the contrary. So if your man isn't up to the task, let him go”. Maybe Rossi was right. Maybe I deserve more in a relationship.

"Thanks Rossi. My _self-esteem_ always considers it a pleasure talk to you," I replied laughing.

"Good to know, _bella_. Now let's go and hunt our week’s monster," He said getting up from the bench and offering me a hand to help me up as well.

The suspect in the Dakota’s case ended up being a stalker. We all knew it was a sensitive topic because of Reid. Unfortunately when he had to negotiate with the unsub himself, he ended up committing suicide. It was a possible outcome, but Reid thought he might convince him to turn himself in.

Hotch felt it was imprudent to fly back so late that night, so he sent us to the hotel to sleep. We would return to Virginia the next morning.

When we got back to the hotel I approached Reid to ask how he was feeling. He looked at me and shrugged before going to his room without saying a word. That was a sufficient answer I thought.

Not wanting to insist, I made my way to my own room. I needed a shower badly. I got something out of the minibar to eat and drink. I dozed a bit, but couldn't get to sleep. In addition to being upset about this case, I was still upset with Ryan. His last message was almost a plea for us to speak immediately and I was not in the mood. Truth be told, after this case I was not in the mood _at all_.

I picked a book to try to fall asleep. I was about to achieve my aim when two knocks on the door startled me. Without knowing much what was happening, I got up and looked through the peephole. It was Reid. I opened the door and in front of me he was sweating, with heavy breathing, and watery eyes.

“Reid? What happened? Are you okay?”

“No. I... (Y/L/N)… I dreamed about her again,” he said sobbing and shaking.

“Here… come in”.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want bother you but... I don’t know. I guess you can understand… ”

“Yeah. I guess... please, sit here. You need to calm down. Your body is shaking”. I said as I made him sit on the edge of my bed.

“Sorry. I woke you up…,” he muttered.

“Not really… to be honest… it’s okay…”

“Maybe I need to come back to my room...”. He was about to get out of bed to leave the room, but I stopped him.

“Of course not. You are going to sit and breathe with me, ok?”

“I can’t…”

“Yes, sure you can…”

I started to inhale and exhale deeply for him to try to mimic what I was doing. At first I didn’t accomplish my goal, Reid kept shaking and muttering words that I could not understand. I needed to get his attention to get him out of the trance state he was in. I knelt in front of him and held his hands tightly.

“Reid...,” I whispered

“I... no... I...,” he kept muttering as rocked back and forth.

“Spencer!, look at me!,” I said in a louder voice. This way I got him to focus on me. I tightened his hands in mine and asked him to start taking a deep breath, inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. We spent a few minutes working on it until he started to regulate his breathing. The sobs stopped.

I got up and sat next to him. We fell silent as I drew circles on his back to soothe him. It broke my heart to see him so fragile. Not even the night Maeve died I saw him so shattered. It’s true that there are days and days. And it is also true sometimes nights are the _hardest_ to get along. This seemed to be one of those nights.

I had lived it. When Jill died, there were weeks I woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming about her. With the accident. With her words before she died. With her funeral, seeing her parents devastated with pain. That same feeling of reliving everything over and over again. They were months of improvement but some days I went backwards too. Small steps forward and then a step back. Of course I could understand. I couldn't help but let some tears fell from seeing him so exposed. My instinct was to try to do something to help and stay strong for him. I knew it was what he needed that moment. Someone to lean on.

“I'm going to ask some tea for you in the lobby, okay?”. I whispered as I got out of bed. He rushed to take my hand and squeeze it.

“Please ... don't leave me alone now”. He begged me.

"Reid... Spencer... I'm just going...”. As I tried to explain I would only be away for a few minutes, I felt his body start to shake again. “Hey, hey!... it’s okay, I'm here... I'm not going anywhere”. I sat back down and reached out my arms to hug him. He clung to my torso with his arms and buried his head on my shoulder. “Okay, everything will be fine...”. I repeated like a mantra while stroking the base of his neck. New sobs began to escape his mouth.

Someone to hold on. That was what he needed at that moment. It seemed so obvious. But accepting it is so difficult sometimes. When you think you can do it alone, reality _slaps you in the face_ and knocks you to the ground over and over again.

“Everything will be fine. I promise you time will help…”

It was the only thing I could say. I would've like tell him how long it would take and what he need to do, but I didn't know. My only certainty for him was that _'eventually'_ everything would be fine.

But _it wasn't_ the only thing I promised him.

“Hey, I'm here, okay? I’ll be here. If you need me, I'll always be here for you, okay? That it’s, let it out, everything you got stuck in your throat. You’ll feel better later…”

The only time I've made that promise before was with Jill. At least I thought I had fulfilled it for the most part, but not in the most important moment. I felt a lump in my throat remembering it. But in my head I had the idea this time I couldn’t fail. I couldn't fail again. Reid deserved someone who would not fail him.

I don’t know how long we were hugging, while I repeated over and over again that everything would be fine and it was good let the emotions flow to achieve it. I don't know if it was my words of reassurance or his exhaustion that made the sobs quieten. Slowly Reid was detaching from my embrace. I lowered my arms to give him space.

With swollen eyes he tried to look at me, although his vision was clouded with tears. He took a deep breath, placing his hands on his lap.

“ _Thank you (Y/N)_...,” he murmured. I think it was the first time he called me by my first name. And I think that night was also the first time that I did the same.

“Spencer… you don't have to thank me. You need to talk about this with someone. If you think I can be of help in that, I am more than willing”. I offered.

“Is this… is that unstable? I feel like I'm constantly walking a tightrope...”

“I’m not going to lie to you, so yes. Weeks can go by and suddenly something happens and everything surfaces again”

“I don't know what I'm going to do (Y/N). Sometimes I feel like... I going crazy...”

“I know the feeling but I guess talking is a good strategy. I'm going to get you a glass of water first. It's okay?”. He just nodded. He didn't budge from his place in the time it took me to get a bottle of water out of the minibar and pour it into a glass. I handed it to him quickly.

“Thank you...,” he murmured and drank the water in seconds.

“ _Good_ ”. I stated taking the chair that was in the corner of the room and placing it in front of him. I sat supporting my arms on my lap and leaning over so I could meet his gaze. “Do you think you can tell me what happened today that let you feel like this?”. I asked him. He nodded. After a little silence and a deep sigh, he decided to speak.

“Today's case… I really didn't think it would affect me that much. I mean, things didn't turn out the way I expected. I tried to use a different strategy than I used with Diane… and it didn't work either. That made me think it doesn't matter what we do (Y/N), we are always going to fail. And… and to think the result would always be the same, that is, no matter what I did… Maeve would die anyway… I don't know. At least until now I believed there are things I could have done differently and save her. But now…"

“Was that what you dreamed? Did you go back to that night?”. I asked while a took his hands on mine.

“Yes… I was there and… I was frozen, because I knew there was nothing I could do. And I heard her crying, and Diane yelling at me, telling me to stop her. And I was doing nothing... completely useless. And… and then the shot... and all over again... over and over... I'm exhausted. I don’t want this. It still hurts, but I'm also drained. And I hate myself for being exhausted, and for thinking only about what is happening to me now and ignoring the fact she was the one who lost her life that night... that make me the worst person in the world… you know?”

“No. You’re wrong Spencer. You must not hate yourself for that. A few months have passed and it’s natural you feel exhausted. Besides, this job doesn't make things easier, right?”. I said trying to reassure him.

“I suppose not…”. He replied shaking his head.

“But it's okay. You are trying. And don't feel bad for thinking in yourself. As painful as it may sound, you have to find a way to heal and that means taking care of yourself. Think about the things you need to feel better. And it's not selfishness, it's self-preservation. You better than anyone could give a lecture on the biology behind this, am I right?”. My comment brought a sheepish smile to his face.

"Yeah. In fact… emotional fatigue is a natural response, you know? A self-preservation mechanism activated automatically when people are unable to control their levels of depression, anxiety or stress. It’s… it’s a reaction that takes place at the same moment people are not able to assimilate the situation they are going through to protect themselves from a total collapse. Yeah, there are obvious symptoms, such… such as addictive and avoidant behaviors; low personal performance, emotional problems; increased consumption of coffee, alcohol and drugs; Absenteeism from work, as well as emotionally it is typical to observe feelings of emptiness… exhaustion, failure, powerlessness; uncontrollable nervousness; difficulty concentrating; self-esteem issues and low tolerance for frustration… funny ah?”. Reid explained talking in semi-cracked voice. I was in part relieved to hear him ramble about it. It was a sign that what lodged in his brain at least made sense to him in his current situation even though he didn't know how to handle it yet.

“I expected no less from you Dr. Spencer Reid”. I said with a half-smile.

“Now it only remains for me to see how I apply _'solutions'_ for that... it's not a big thing, right?”. He replied with a bitter smile.

“You don't have to do it alone, you know that…”

“Yes. I know. And I’m sorry if I'm being a burden for you… but I thought you could understand better, you know…this situation…”. He started to explain. I interrupted him before he started to apologize profusely again.

“It's okay Reid. After all, I don't dislike you as much as I thought…”. I replied trying to lighten the mood. Reid flushed a little wondering if I was really joking or maybe telling the truth. I think he chose the first option.

“I don't dislike you so much (Y/L/N) either,” he said.

That was the starting point of our _friendship_ with Spencer Reid. It was evident everything that had happened made him look much more vulnerable, but for me it was understandable and revealed a part of him that, in all these years working together, I had never seen. And that was beyond the empathy I could feel for what happened with Maeve Donovan that fateful day in January.

Loyal to my promise, I was with him when his strength seemed to fail him. When nightmares haunted him, when doubts reappeared. That led to _long chats_ on the jet we never had before, as well as hallway conversations and coffee meetings. The purpose? _Just talk_. The best therapy, by far. I knew it and although at the beginning my idea was he could unburden himself of all the things his inner world kept hidden, it was not long until I felt with the confidence to reveal and share my own concerns.

It's nice to have someone who listens to you with such interest and is willing to talk to you honestly about things. It’s true that in terms of world’s cosmovision, we both had a distance that could be insurmountable for some, but for us it doesn't an obstacle to say things. As true friends do, right?.

As my friendship with Spencer grew, my relationship with Ryan had its _ups and downs_. I tried to keep an open and understanding perspective. After some arguments, I think I managed to make him comprehend the nature of my personality and my job. For my part, I promised him not to be so evasive and be more talkative about what I wanted and what I didn't in our relationship.

And although my personal life enjoyed a certain peace, my work life was the opposite. In addition to the cases that came nonstop to the BAU, we were dealing with _The Replicator_. This guy was murdering people by imitating cases we solved previously. It wasn’t a traditional copycat, he was a direct affront to the team, which kept us more restless and alert than usual.

Months passed and all the leads we had of this unsub were fading. It was so frustrating. We knew he was watching each of us, he knew personal things about all of us. That feeling of _vulnerability_ again.

Everything seemed blurry and uncertain until the bastard dared to act while we were working on a case in Manhattan. And boy did he make a great appearance! He attacked Strauss in her hotel room, driving her to death in the most shameful of ways: intoxicating and drugging her.

At this point, any clue was useful. It was evident this was his end game. We managed to identify the unsub. My stomach churned when I realized who it was. I knew him, he had been my classmate at the academy and Blake’ student in Georgetown. Some years after we graduated from the academy, he assisted Blake in a case that ended up getting them both out of the FBI by Strauss's decision. Everything made sense now.

Now we had to act fast, so having his location, we got on two helicopters to get to the farm where he was supposed to be.

“Blake, (Y/L/N) and Reid, you guys come from the north. JJ, Morgan and I will come from the south”. Hotch instructed as we got into our respective helicopters.

I was anxious, like the whole team by the way. We just wanted this to end.

“You're good?”. Reid asked me when she saw me clenching my fists as we approached the place.

“No, I want to catch this _bastard_. It's the only thing I have in my mind right now”. I answered honestly. He nodded.

From one moment to another the helicopter lost stability and began to spin in the air. The pilot gave the alert by radio while telling us to grab tight to the handles because we were likely to fall and crash. I looked at Spencer and saw my same fear reflected in his eyes. It was seconds before I felt a thunder and my body rushed forward, only stopped by the safety strap that was now buried in my ribs. Thanks to a squeal in my ears I couldn’t hear my surroundings. The smoke from the crashed helicopter didn’t let me to see anything either.

My arm hurt, probably was broken. I think I tried to yell. I couldn't see or hear Blake, the pilot, or Reid. I started to feel dizzy and wanted to throw up.

A few minutes passed until I felt the strap that was holding me to the seat cut and something pulled me out of the helicopter. The noise in my ears started to diminish a little, allowing me to hear the voice of a men talking to me.

“Welcome (Y/L/N) to the _final act_ ”.

“Fuck, _this is bad_ ” was the last thing I thought before I passed out.

———————

_“But if you need me, I'll be right there_

_When you're dreaming all your nightmares_

_I'll come tackle the monsters_

_I'll find where they hide in the nighttime”_

_———————_


	4. Round Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Reader establish a close friendship and support each other through difficult times.

——————–

_“Step out the front door like a ghost_

_Into the fog where no one notices the_

_Contrast of white on white._

_And in between the moon and you the angels…”_

——————–

Back to work helped, but it didn’t make things easier as I originally thought. I did my best to reconnect with my life suspended for weeks. The help of my friends was essential, although it was difficult to be able to speak at times. I know neither of them wanted to bother or be intrusive by barraging me with questions that might have been uncomfortable for me, but I could feel their sympathetic gazes. I could see the concern in their eyes. So I promised myself I should move forward. I had to keep going. They needed to see I was trying and I could make it.

But there were days more difficult than others. And nights rougher than others. The nightmares persisted. But at least now I could sleep. It was a cruel exchange, but perhaps a necessary one. Difficult days sometimes coincided with difficult cases. That combination was fatal to me. The first few times I tried to cope on my own, but there were times when I felt overwhelmed. It was one of those nights where I couldn’t take it anymore and went to knock on (Y/N) door. I broke. I had been trying and trying for weeks, but I was exhausted.

(Y/N) understood. And there I could let go what was torturing my mind and it eased me. The nightmares didn’t go away, but I did find someone who could listen to me without looking at me with compassionate eyes. I didn’t want compassion. I didn’t need to be judged, just listened to and supported. I realized that despite the weeks and months, I couldn’t do it alone.

I’ll be forever grateful to (Y/N). I can’t explain it, but despite the years we’ve been working together, we’ve never been that close. She jokingly always said we were _‘grieving friends’_. Possibly it was true. When she told me about the death of her mother and her friend Jill, among other things, I understood some facts that always caught my attention about her personality. Her honesty and frankness encouraged me to trust more in her.

You could say it was something unexpected. Sure. People might think it would have been more obvious to compartmentalize with the help of JJ or Morgan, but I found it more natural to do so with (Y/N). She knew the process I was going through and was generous enough to help me see things I was facing, telling me the truth and not softening reality. This was I needed.

After a complex case came one of those nights. I woke up startled and sweating. I sat on the bed crying and disoriented. I did my best to calm myself but nothing worked. I instinctively picked up the phone and dialed her number. I didn’t even see the clock.

“Spencer? What’s wrong?”. (Y/N) said immediately when answering but in a raspy voice. I must have woken her up.

“I don’t feel well. Again. It happened again. Please talk to me so I know I’m awake…,” I begged desperately.

“Hey… it’s okay. You’re talking to me and it’s real. You’re not dreaming, Spencer. You are in your room now… tell me what do you see?”

“No, it’s not real. I don’t even feel my body…,” I screamed, choking on my own words.

“Spencer, it’s okay. Focus on your breathing. Inhale by your nose and exhale by your mouth. Can you do that for me? please?”

“I’m trying…”. I closed my eyes to try to focus. Despite the darkness of the room, I could feel flashes of light crossing in front of me.

“Yeah. C’mon. You can do it. Now try to move your feet. If you can, sit on the edge of the bed and put your feet on the floor”.

“Okay…,” I replied. _'Feet on the floor’, 'feet on the floor’,_ I kept repeating as I tried to move out of bed, while inhaling and exhaling with force.

“Very good Spencer. You’re doing perfect…,” (Y/N) encouraged me.

“Okay, feet on the floor. They are there. Now I think I can feel them…,” I pointed out as I noticed that my breathing became calmer.

“Perfect. Spencer Reid. Are you with me now? Do you know you are really talking to me and not dreaming? Tell me who you are, who am I and what day it is,” she asked me.

“I am Dr. Spencer Reid. I work at the BAU. I have 3 PhD and 2 Masters. My mom is Diana. I’m talking to (Y/N) (Y/L/N), who has been working with me at the BAU since 2007… today is… Wednesday, May 15, 2013…,” I replied as I kept ordering the pieces in my head.

“Good. Now… do you remember we agreed to get together this morning in the coffee shop you like and we would buy coffee for all the team?, to amend the horrendous coffee they had in the Chicago police station?,” she asked me .

“Yes. It tasted horrible…,” I mumbled remembering the day before.

“I think it’s the worst thing I’ve ever drunk in my life,” added (Y/N) laughing. In the background I heard the voice of a man saying her name.

“I’m sorry, I woke you up and your boyfriend. So sorry…”. The man’s voice was heard farther and farther away, probably (Y/N) had left the room.

“It’s okay. Ryan just got scared, maybe he thought they called me for a case,” she replied.

“I must be your worst case so far…,” I tried to joke having regained my sense of reality.

“You have no idea,” she said laughing. “How do you feel now?”

“Better. Thank you”

“I’m glad. And don’t feel bad for calling me. I told you that you could do it whenever you needed, no matter the time. I’m still holding it, so please shake off that guilt, ok?”. (Y/N) stated.

As difficult as it was for me - she knew it - I tried not to feel guilty every time I called her at inappropriate times. There were times when she even came to my apartment because I couldn’t calm down on the phone. One night she ended up curling up next to me once until I was able to fall asleep again.

The helicopter crash night, when I came to my senses, the first thing I did was look by my side. There was little I could see, but (Y/N) wasn’t there. I tried to move, it was like being in one of my dreams but it was real. I don’t know how I let go of the strap that held me falling to the ground after pushing the half-open door of the helicopter. I looked at the front seat and saw only the pilot crawling across the floor once he got out of the machine. Blake wasn’t there either. I screamed her name with no answer. I was standing up, but I was having a hard time stabilizing myself. JJ, Hotch and Morgan got to see how I was doing. I immediately told them Blake and (Y/N) had disappeared . The unsub taken them for sure. It was part of his plan from the beginning. I felt a hard knot in my stomach. That feeling that _everything could go wrong_. It would not be the first time that happened.

\- / - / - / - / -

I don’t know how long it was before I recovered consciousness. I was no longer in the crashed helicopter. I was in a room lit by a light bulb that barely emanated a dim light. I felt an intense pain in my left arm again. I tried to touch it with my right hand to examine its condition, but I noticed I could not move it. It was tied to a chair. Tied with both hands, with chains around my chest and ankles. My head ached and I could feel traces of dried blood on my face. There came the memories of what was happening. I let out a _'Fuck’_ and almost jumped when I felt another voice speak. _’(Y/N)?’ , 'Alex?’ , 'Are you okay?’_.

In a chair in front of me I could see Blake in a similar condition to mine. Also tied hands, ankles and torso. Her expression was serious, but calm. She seemed to be more concerned about my condition than with the situation we were in.

“How long have we been here ?”. I asked still trying to focus my eyes on Blake.

“I don’t know, I guess at least an hour since we arrived at this place…,” she replied.

“Were you awake all this time? Could you saw him?”. I needed to know if anything else had happened that could give us ideas of what to do next.

“More or less. I didn’t pass out, but I was very dizzy after the crash,” said Blake.

“Are you hurt?,” I asked with concern.

“No. Not like you at least. Apparently you have a broken arm, because of how it looks and the pain you must be feeling,” she hypothesized.

“Yeah. I think so too, it hurts like hell”. Suddenly a realization hit my mind. “Alex? from the helicopter… did you see Reid? Did you see the pilot?…”. I asked abruptly.

“The last thing I remember hearing before he got us out of there was Reid’s voice calling out your name and mine. But I don’t know if he is hurt or not. I don’t know about the pilot, I think I heard some groans, but I don’t know if he is okay”. At least knowing they were alive gave me some peace of mind. At least because of the accident, it seems we had no deaths.

“Do you think the rest already know where we are exactly?”. It was more of a question to myself, but it came out of my mouth anyway.

“I hope so. Although I don’t know if it will be easy to get out of here. See these chains? They have different locks with a puzzle on each one. This must be a part of his end game and I don’t know if we’re going to like it,” Blake said.

And it was true. A few minutes later John Curtis, our unsub and captor entered the room where he was holding us. Just to apply a little more torture to our situation. Alex tried to reason with him, but it was clearly impossible. That only brought her some additional injuries to her face and legs. But she didn’t cry or complaint. Alex was stoic the entire time. She wasn’t going to give in to Curtis. In my case, Curtis made it clear to me that having me there was additional damage to the team. His _vendetta_ against the BAU was without distinction, although his main target was always Strauss and Blake. After emptying his anger and making his declaration of principles, he left the room, leaving us to our fate.

A thunderous collapse startled us. The door of the room where we were held fell to the floor. Hotch came in quickly scanning the place and seeing that it was just me and Blake. Behind Hotch was Spencer who immediately came over to check on me. Hotch went to check on Blake. Noticing the padlocks and key sets, his concern increased. _'It’s too easy’_ he murmured. He managed to get me and Blake’s padlocks out, but as he helped us up, a bomb sequence went off and the secondary access doors closed. According to Morgan and JJ’s tracing, the place was covered in C4, and we were locked up. The count would hopefully give us 3 minutes of time. The scenario could not be worse. The whole team locked up and with no chance to get out.

Just when despair was going to take over everyone, Rossi, who came from Quantico, arrived at the place and managed to open the doors thanks to the signal blocking made by Penelope. That gave us extra time. _Miracle? It doesn’t matter_. We needed to get out of there. Hotch helped Blake who was having difficulty walking thanks to Curtis’ hits. Spencer helped me by taking my uninjured arm and putting it around his neck to support my weight. The adrenaline made my body didn’t hurt, but I wasn’t moving fast enough. In the last stretch before leaving the house, Spencer had to carry me completely because I could no longer hold myself. We only get a couple of meters away and an explosion sent the house flying into a thousand pieces. All the adrenaline suddenly dropped and I started to feel dizzy. The pain in my arm returned with more intensity and before I could say anything, I passed out.

When I woke up again I was in a hospital bed. I did a mental check of the events that led me to that place. I looked at my left arm and it was immobilized. It didn’t hurt anymore at least. I let out a sigh of relief and mentally thanked modern medicine.

“How do you feel?,” Spencer muttered, sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs in the room. I immediately turned my head to look at him. He looked tired, his dark circles more prominent and his hair messy and clothes untidy. I don’t know if I looked better than him, to tell the truth.

“Uhm… a little dizzy still, but… it’s good not to feel the pain in my arm. Was I in surgery?,” I asked, to try to figure out what had happened.

“Yes. Indeed your arm was broken. The doctors chose to do surgery immediately…”

“How many hours have passed… is it already daylight…?”

“It’s 11 am and we arrived at the hospital around midnight …”. Spencer explained.

“God … Ryan not even know I’m here, Spencer, can you, please… hand me my phone?… what happened to Curtis?”. Reid handed me the phone and I started typing a message. I didn’t want to worry Ryan more than necessary, so I just told him that I was in the hospital and that it was nothing serious.

“They are still searching for his remains under the rubble, but it’s impossible that he survived”.

“And Blake?”

“She is fine. Her injuries were treated and around 2 am Hotch took her home. James should have traveled and is likely with her now. She wanted to stay and see how you got out of surgery, but I convinced her not to do it and go home…”

“I don’t know how Alex stayed so composed all the time. Not even Curtis expected that,” I said, remembering the events of the night before.

“Blake has nerves of steel. Nor could I say how she manages to stay calm in situations like this,” Spencer agreed.

“Spencer… you stayed here all night?”

“Yeah. Since we brought you and Blake…”

“But Spencer, why? After Blake went home and my surgery was over, it wasn’t necessary. Surely you haven’t been able to sleep in that chair…”

“I wasn’t going to leave you alone here. I knew you would have questions when you woke up. Nor did I want you to wake up without seeing a familiar face at least…”

“Thank you. I really appreciate it. But you didn’t have to”.

“I was worried, you know?… it wasn’t nice to get out of the helicopter and see that you and Blake weren’t there”.

“Sorry. This should not happen like that, clearly…”. Spencer shrugged.

“Well, I guess this puts me out of scene for a while,” I said pointing to my immobilized arm.

“Several weeks at least. You’re going to need help with some domestics things”. Spencer pointed out.

“That’s what boyfriends are for, right?”. I said laughing. Reid smiled.

Some nurses came to check on my condition for the next few hours. The last one who came to the room said I could go home now. They hoped the doctor would sign my discharge soon so I could start dressing.

I was sitting on the edge of the bed about to put my feet on the floor when an upset Ryan burst into the room. That startled Spencer and me.

“(Y/N)!, baby, are you okay?, what happened?,” he asked rushing to my side taking my non-motionless hand and examining my wounds, not even bothering to look at Spencer who was only standing some meters from me. “You told me it was nothing, but look at you, it looks like you had been beaten up”. Ryan indicated.

“Hey, it’s nothing so bad. My arm is broken but I have already been in surgery and I must wait for it to heal in the next few weeks. Really, baby, you don’t have to worry. It’s all good”. I assured him, stroking his cheek with my working hand.

“God . I can’t believe your job is like this. I guess after this you’re going to quit, right?… you can’t expose yourself like that again…”. Ryan told me while inspecting my body for more injuries.

The shocked face I must have could only be compared to Reid’s. No one spoke of me quitting. Yes, I had been injured, but my continuity in my job was not something in discussion.

“Ryan, baby. I think _you’re overreacting_ a bit. These things can happen. But that’s not the rule, is it, Spencer?”. Reid nodded sheepishly. I didn’t realize the mistake I’d made until Ryan turned to look at Spencer with inquiring eyes.

“So you’re the _famous Dr. Reid_ …”. Ryan snapped. Spencer flushed. “The one who calls my girlfriend at the most unexpected hours in the night…”. I should have anticipated this, but in my still semi drugged state I didn’t see it coming.

“Ryan, what are you doing?!”

“Can’t the Dr. find himself a woman who treat him well and comfort him at night?, ah?”. Ryan asked in so infuriating tone.

“Ryan, stop it. You don’t know what you’re talking about…”. I tried to make him shut up.

“Oh sure I know what I’m talking about. He wants to play innocent, but we both know you just want to fuck my girlfriend, right Dr. Reid?”. Reid was red now, but with rage.

“Ryan, stop your stupid show right now. I warn you…”

“Or what (Y/N)? Will you hit me with your arm in a cast? Or are you going to lecture me about my bad attitude like you have done all these months? You’re just looking for an excuse to break up with me and sleep with him, if you haven’t already…”

“Enough!”. Reid shouted suddenly. “I have no idea where you get so much speculation from. I can only tell you no, I’m not trying to sleep with your girlfriend. We are friends and we work together. Now if you can’t believe (Y/N) or trust her, I don’t know what you’re doing here. If your real concern were (Y/N) you would not be making a fuss in a hospital and you would be supporting your girlfriend and comforting her for the horrible night she had to go through”. Reid fumed.

“You’re not going to tell me what to do, okay Dr.?”. Ryan yelled.

“Enough Ryan. Go away at once. Let’s get this over with. You can’t stand my life anymore, so get out of it…”. I screamed back, feeling tears of pain and anger mingling at the same time and pushing to get out.

“What is that supposed to mean?!”. Ryan asked.

“I think it’s _pretty clear_. Go away. Now. I don’t need a man like you in my life. And I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care anymore. I tried. But you can’t go through life insulting and hurting people without consequences…”

“But (Y/N)…”. Noticing his outburst, Ryan tried to soften his voice.

“Just go away, please …”. I replied, no longer able to hold back the tears.

“But you need someone to take care of you…”

“Now are you thinking about that?. If I really going to need someone, it won’t be you anymore. It’s already decided. Leave me alone!”

“Damn bitch! You’re going to regret it…,” he yelled again. Spencer was about to jump on him. “And as far as I’m concerned, no one will be able to convince me of anything other than your attitude is this guy’s fault”. I looked at Spencer with pleading eyes not to do something stupid. Then I turned my anger on Ryan to get him to leave at once.

“Yes, Ryan. As if my life always needs to spin around a man. Just fuck off!”. I sentenced before he came out cursing through the hospital’s corridors.

I was hurt. I didn’t expect something like that to happen. I had a lot of anger and pain. Besides embarrassment. Damn Ryan! No one had ever treated me like this in my life. Between the daze and not knowing what to do I started crying again. My nerves betrayed me. Spencer came over and hugged me to comfort me. I could only hold onto him.

“I can’t believe it. I’m sorry, Spencer. I’m so ashamed. I never thought he was going to make a scandal like that. It would have been better not to let him know I was here. Spencer, I’m sorry. Ryan had never done anything like this. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him …”. I tried to apologize while my head was dug in his shoulder. I didn’t even dare to look at him. Much of Ryan’s outburst was against Spencer and it wasn’t fair.

“No. Don’t say that. And don’t try to excuse him either. He’s an asshole. I don’t care what he said about me, but what he said about you. It’s not fair (Y/N), no one should treat you like that”. Spencer said as he stroked my back to soothe me.

“I know. And believe me, I never thought he could act like this. What the hell all this! I don’t understand…”

“Has he been aggressive with you before…?,” he asked cautiously.

“No! When he tried to be more controlling early in the relationship I immediately gave him a warning and things never escalated like this. In fact, I thought everything was fine…”. I replied.

“What will you do?…”

“What I need to do. I’m not going to risk myself being in a relationship like that… I can’t…,” I said as my sobs died away.

After they discharged me and I got dressed, Spencer offered to drive me to my apartment. He also accompanied me for a few hours while I assured him with facts I could handle myself without major problems. Reid only left when he made me promise to call him if I had any problems.

So it was. That night I woke up almost at dawn thanks to a nightmare. Curtis torturing me , the explosion, Ryan’s screaming in the hospital. God, it felt so real, I thought I was dying. I texted Spencer, who in 15 minutes was knocking on my apartment door.

“I’m sorry. But I felt it so genuine…”. I murmured crying into his shoulder.

“I know. Come, I’ll make something to drink for you to relax a little”

Sitting on the couch we drank tea and talked for a while, until the fatigue was more powerful and I fell asleep with my head on his lap. It had been a long time since I felt so vulnerable. But I wasn’t alone.

Strauss’s funeral happened two days later. Spencer picked me up at my place an hour earlier in case I needed help. Being in the cemetery _was not easy_. We were all disturbed by what occurred, but I only could think how Spencer was feeling. In less than 6 months ago he was in a cemetery saying goodbye to Maeve. He said nothing. His expression remained neutral, but I knew. And it was fine, no one would expect him to be healed in just a few months.

Rossi insisted we all needed to dinner together that night. We hadn’t been together since night in Curtis farm’s. Hotch encouraged us by saying it would be good therapy for everyone. At first no one dared to speak. Everyone sat around the table eating in silence.

Penelope broke the silence by recounting some of her anecdotes with Strauss. That was enough for the rest of us to cheer up and recall the _best memories_ of who had departed so abruptly, and was taken from our lives by a unsub obsessed with some _sick revenge_.

We all had at least one story related to Erin Strauss. Despite her image as a tough and inflexible woman at times, she was a human being with a complicated life. She fought and managed to overcome many adversities. Despite everything she was an example of life.

At the end of dinner, Rossi stood up from his chair to make a toast. Just as he did exactly a year ago in JJ and Will’s wedding.

“Last year, right here, we had a very different celebration. Of life, of love, and good people. This year it’s the… other side of that. Because, well… _that’s what families do_. It’s been a hard year. But tonight… we celebrate a life well lived… well loved. To a good woman… an even better mother… to our friend. Who I will miss very much”. Tears appeared in everyone’s eyes. I thought in Strauss, my mother, Jill, Maeve… all the people who are no longer in this world and _who are deeply missed_. I looked at Spencer and his eyes were fixed on his glass. I could guess exactly where his thoughts were in that minute.

After dinner, the talk remained in a scattered fashion. JJ, Blake and I were on one of the yard benches. Rossi and Hotch still chatting at the table. Reid, Garcia, and Morgan talking and standing in the yard entrance.

“How is your arm?”. JJ asked.

“Much better I hope. It doesn’t hurt like that day, but it’s _fucking_ uncomfortable”. I complained.

“It will be for a few weeks. Do you know how long you will be with that cast?,” questioned Blake.

“At least two weeks. I wish time pass quickly”. I said with a sigh.

“And when do you think you can return to the BAU?”. JJ quizzed taking a sip of her wine.

“Next week I think. I won’t be able to do field work, but everything else shouldn’t have a problem”. I replied.

“Well, we’ll try to help you as much as we can, although I don’t think Hotch will mind you taking a few extra days,” Blake said.

“I don’t know if I want extra days. More than a week in my place will be enough to want to return to work”. I said laughing.

“Don’t tell Dr. Reid that, he will surely want you to take every possible week of leave”. JJ replied laughing.

“But that would be an exaggeration!”. I complained.

“You know… it’s Spencer”. JJ sighed.

“Don’t blame him. He was very worried that night. He didn’t want to leave even though Morgan told him he was staying to wait for you to come out of surgery. He finally ended up sending us all home,” explained Blake. JJ nodded.

“You and Spencer have become quite good friends in these months…”. JJ told looking at me. I nodded.

“Yeah. Well, I tried to help after what happened with Maeve. We all have, haven’t we?”. I sentenced.

“It’s true. But it is also true there are people with whom it seems to be more natural to talk about certain things. It’s good that Reid can count on you on that, for sure it has been very helpful for him. And I hope it’s also something reciprocal, and you can see in him someone you can trust. Spencer is a great human being”. Blake said.

“I know. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm him though”. I joked. JJ and Blake laughed too.

“Well, that’s what friends are for, right? It’s part of the deal”. JJ indicated.

We talked for a while longer until Hotch and JJ excused themselves to go to their respective homes. Penelope also said goodbye to everyone and Morgan offered to drive her. After the goodbyes, Blake sat down to drink whiskey with Rossi, while I resumed my seat on the same bench where I was before. I was engrossed watching the clouds move rapidly in the sky until Reid sat next to me.

“Did you know clouds look like they weigh little more than a tuft of cotton, but they’re heavier than they look?. An average cumulus cloud can weigh more than a million pounds, and a vivacious thunderstorm can pack billions - if not trillions - of pounds of water in one tiny part of the sky. Yet, all of that weight seems effortlessly suspended in the air. It’s both a little unsettling and, at the same time, awesome to think about …,” he said. I smiled.

“No, I didn’t. But you’re right. It’s feels like they were so weightless. Look how fast they move…”. I replied thoughtfully. Spencer nodded.

“Are you okay ?,” Reid asked me.

“Yes. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just uncomfortable”. I replied, waving my immobilized arm.

“I wasn’t talking about your arm, I was talking about you”. That took me by surprise.

“Ehm, okay… I’m good. I mean, after everything that happened, we are here, right?”

“We both know that’s not guarantee of anything, right?”

“Yeah, but at least you’ve made a tremendous effort Reid. You should be proud”. I replied.

“Should I?”

“Of course ! I’m truly happy to see you are feeling better. It’s not easy and you have done your best”. Reid blushed at the compliment.

“I literally haven’t done it alone, you know,” he said, looking at me with a half-smile.

“We all have done our part…”. I replied returning a smile.

“Although I must confess that your part has been essential (Y/N)”. Now it was my turn to blush.

“I’m glad you believe that and you don’t think I’m a _pain in the ass_ ”. I said chuckling.

“If I ever believed it, not anymore”. We both giggle.

“Tell the truth Reid, you’ve always thought I’m an annoyance”. I insisted looking the sky.

“Spencer … ,” Reid mumbled.

“Ah?”. I turned my head to look at him.

“Ehm, I like it when you call me Spencer. And no, I’ve never believed that you are an annoyance. And if I was distant all these years, it’s because I was afraid to know you. Don’t ask me why, nor am I very clear about it . Maybe I thought I was boring enough to you wanted to talk to me ,” he confessed with a shrug. I couldn’t help but blush and smile.

“Well, I wasn’t very helpful either. I don’t know if it was fear or the idea that we had nothing in common. What could a genius like you want to talk to someone like me?”

“We were both wrong then…,” Spencer muttered.

“Apparently… and I’m glad we were,” I stated.

“I’m glad about that too,” he replied smiling to me.

We remain in silence contemplating the sky. It wasn’t an awkward silence, on the opposite. Savoring that quiet moment was enough to be grateful. And while the past few months had not been easy for either of us, we had to move on, as did the clouds we were gazing at and were moving fast in the sky.

———————

_“I can’t see nothing, nothing round here (oh)_

_Won’t you catch me if I’m falling?_

_Won’t you catch me if I’m falling?_

_Won’t you catch me 'cause I’m falling down on you…”_

———————


	5. Use Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Reader realize that perhaps their relationship goes beyond friendship.

——————–

_“It doesn't really matter_

_If I only fill the space_

_Of someone you've not forgotten_

_Of someone who's gone away…”_

——————–

After my week off I came back to work. And although I couldn't travel with the team, I did my best to help from the BAU offices. I spent many hours on the phone with the team, exchanging theories about the unsubs in the different cases that were working. Almost a month later I could back to the field work.

My first case when I returned to the field work wasn’t easy. A family annihilator was terrorizing Tampa. One of the theories indicated it was a male, homeless, with a history in foster care since the death of his parents. But I was more inclined to the theory that could be someone connected to the families for other reasons and was close to them, or to their children. Blake thought somewhat similar to me. We spent hours trying to obtain information to support some of the theories that we had.

Only on the third day did we get a solid track. With Blake we were right, he was the boyfriend of one of the daughters of the first family killed. These were connected because the sons and daughters went to the same school as the unsub.

That afternoon we had the unsub surrounded in a house, but he had a girl like a hostage. Hotch made the decision to try to negotiate while we covered the rest of the entrances to the house. While he was chatting with the unsub, we approached with Morgan from behind. When he was surrounded, the unsub changed his opinion and was about to stick his knife in the girl’s neck. I quickly shot my gun putting a bullet in his arm causing him to drop the knife.

Upon leaving the house, JJ escorted the girl to the ambulance and to meet her family. Hotch and Rossi came up to me.

“Nice shot _bella_ ,” Rossi compliment.

“Thanks Rossi”. I mumbled.

“Is good to have you back,” Hotch added. Then they both made their way to the SUV to return to the police station. Standing by another SUV was Spencer waiting for me.

“They told me you did a good job in there,” he pointed out.

“If they say so… I guess must be true. It’s good _to be back,_ ” I replied.

“It's nice to have you back,” Spencer told me with a grin.

“Wow, a compliment for me Dr. Reid? I think I could get used to them”. We both smiled.

The following months passed faster than I expected. Christmas was just around the corner and I made the decision to go visit my dad and have dinner with him on Christmas Eve. I didn't know if my brothers would be there, but I felt like I should see my dad at least once a year. I promised that to my mom before she died. I couldn't go back on my word.

To tell the truth, that night was no different from other years. We end, as always, talking about mom and the great woman she was. But other than remembering mom, stories about her, and the things she liked, I didn't have much to talk about with my dad. We had _been strangers_ to each other for years. He was one of the first to protest when I joined to the FBI and after that, nothing I did could meet his expectations, so I gave up trying. We finally managed to establish a cordial, but not close relationship. And that's what it’s to this day. I can't say I was disappointed about the outcome that night, but maybe secretly I still hoped things could be a little different, especially thinking Mom was no longer with us. My brothers didn’t make it to dinner, but I found out from my dad that they were fine, with their respective families. And when I say families, I don't just mean their wives, but also sons and daughters - my nieces and nephews - whom _I hardly knew_. Family is family, they say. But in my case I seem more like a lonely and renegade daughter.

On New Year's Eve I decided to stay in my apartment. I didn't feel like going out. I wanted to use the time to sleep, watch TV, drink champagne and eat junk food. Rossi invited me to spend New Year’s Eve with him, Penelope, and Derek. The offer was tempting, but I preferred to decline, because it was true I was not in the mood to go out. Hotch would be with Jack and Beth in New York. JJ with Will and Henry. Spencer with his mom in Vegas.

Post-midnight, messages from the team started to show in my phone’s notifications wishing everyone a good year. I even got a message from Emily, who was already in 2014 at least six hours ago. When I saw it I smiled: _‘Hey tough girl, I hope this year you’ll be less grumpy and get yourself a boyfriend who is not an asshole. Kisses and hugs. E.'_. To which I replied: _‘You better worry about catching the bad guys outside of the USA, than I take care of the others. Biggest hugs for you'_.

Another message came to my phone. Spencer. _‘Happy New Year (Y/N), why didn't you go to Rossi’s?’._ I rolled my eyes, like he could see me. I shook my head and texted him back: _‘Happy New Year, Spencer. I didn't feel like going out. It’s not a big deal. How is everything in Vegas?'_. Not two minutes passed and another message came in: _'Good. My mom is already sleeping. Now I’ll go back to the hotel’_. I replied: _'I'm glad you could spend this time with your mom. Now go to sleep, have a good night'_. Another message: _'You too. Don't drink too much champagne'_. I smiled as I refilled my flute again. _‘Cheers Doc’_ , I mumbled before drinking it almost full.

I paid little attention to Spencer about the champagne. It mattered not much, I was alone in my place. I wasn't hurting anyone. The problem? My head started to wander. I reread the chain of messages with Spencer and realizing I was smiling almost like a teenager. Something made my stomach clench. In the face of realization, I could only move my head to shake that thought.

 _'Stop it (Y/N)!. Get that out of your head. What the fuck (Y/N)? Spencer is your friend. He has gone through one of the worst years of his life and you promised to be there for him. That's it. Friends. Coworkers. That's it'_. I scolded myself. I blamed the champagne and it was at that moment I stopped drinking and went to bed.

But the _signs_ were there. Or at least what I thought were signs. We spent a lot of time together. We went from talking about our problems and dilemmas to getting together in one of our places to watch a movie or just chat. On the jet we instinctively reached out to sit next to each other. When it was our turn to work in pairs at the local police stations, one of us always made sure the other had steaming coffee available when needed. He laughed at my jokes and I laughed at his - at least the ones I thought were funny. There were times when someone said something and we both looked at each other without saying anything and we understood absolutely what we were thinking. In almost a year we went from almost ignoring each other to being completely aware of each other. _Is that what friends do? In that way?. Fuck, I don’t know_. I tried to suppress my thoughts about it. For me, I was overthinking the whole situation.

When we returned from the festivities, there was not much peace we could enjoy at the BAU. As soon as we set foot in the bullpen, Garcia met us in the conference room for a case. And so it was the first week of January and the second. We started 2014 traveling non-stop across the country.

That Thursday, January 16th, Hotch met us in the conference room for a new case. Spencer hadn't come to work yet and we all noticed.

“Where's Reid?,” Rossi asked when we were sitting in the conference room.

“Reid asked for day off. He won’t be with us in this case,” Hotch said. We all knew what date it was, what we didn't know was whether Spencer was going to try to ignore the obvious or not. In the previous days I didn’t want to ask him so as not to bother him. But yes, the last two days he had been acting something different. A little more distant than in recent months.

When the case’s presentation ended, Hotch pointed out we would start our trip in 20 minutes. Everyone left the conference room heading to the desks to grab what they needed to go to the jet. I got up from my chair and followed Hotch into his office. I knocked on the door and he turned to look at me.

“Yes (Y/L/N)?,” he asked.

“Hotch. I know it's pretty late and we're almost getting on the jet, but… I wanted to ask you if I can skip this case and stay in DC. If it’s possible, of course”. I asked cautiously, because rather than the possibility Hotch thought my request was out of place, for the concern it might produce. He looked at me thoughtfully for a few seconds before saying a word. I started to fidget my hands.

“It’s because of Reid?”. He asked. I nodded.

“Yes. I would like to be close, today at least”

“I get it. And yes, I think it's a good idea. You might know better than we what to do if you see him stagger. Okay (Y/L/N), you can stay in DC during this case. Just be aware to your phone in case we need something from you”.

“Thank you sir”. I was about to leave Hotch's office when Hotch spoke again.

“(Y/L/N)?,” I turned when I heard my name.

“Yes?”

“I don't want to be intrusive in your personal life. But I need to ask you something. You and Reid… are you together?”. My face dropped.

“What? ... you say _'together'_ as a couple?,” I asked back.

“Yes, together as a couple”

“No. We are not. I mean, we have reached an important level of closeness, but nothing romantically related…”

“Okay. Sorry if the question bothered you”

“This is because of the _‘fraternization’_ rule?,” I asked.

“Partly, yes. Although that's not what worries me the most”

“Hotch, I don't understand...”

“You better than anyone know that Reid has been through a lot in these years. And I also know you do too. I wouldn’t like someone to get hurt and also affect your excellent work at the BAU”

“I know. And I'm not going to lie to you Hotch, at least I feel a little confused sometimes about Spencer. But trust me the last thing I want to do is hurt him”. He nodded.

“I appreciate your honesty. Just be careful, both of you”. It was my turn to nod.

When I got to the cemetery a light rain had started to fall. I knew I would find him there. I walked up to a few meters before Maeve's grave and there he was. Standing, staring at her. He had brought a bouquet of lilacs and placed it over the stone. Dressed in his gray coat and black slacks, I couldn't distinguish much from the rest of his outfit. How a year ago I stood watching a few meters back. I didn’t dare to get closer. It was his private moment and I was probably being imprudent invading it. But he already knew I was there.

“I thought you went with the team to Texas,” he stated without turning to look at me.

“No. This time I stayed behind,” I replied.

“I don't want to speculate but... you did it because of me?,” Spencer kept staring at the grave. His voice was firm but soft.

“Yes. But I don't want to bother you, Spencer. I can go off if you want to be alone…,” I offered.

“It’s okay (Y/N), it doesn't bother me. It’s true I wanted to do this alone, but to tell the truth... I have only been standing in front of her grave and I haven’t said a word... well, I have cried a little... but it’s okay, come closer (Y/N). I brought her flowers,” he stated. I walked over to his side and instinctively linked one of his arms with one of mine, while my other hand gently stroked his shoulder.

“Those lilacs are beautiful...”

“They are. Perfect for her I suppose,” he declared.

We stared at the grave and the flowers in silence. Neither made eye contact with the other. I couldn't tell what his train of thought was, but that was irrelevant. It was their time and I was only there to support. Nothing more and nothing less.

“I don’t know. It's weird, can you believe _it's been a year_?”. Spencer said suddenly.

“It's hard to believe, but yes,” I replied softly.

“I dreamed of her last night, and for the first time it wasn't a nightmare…,” he confessed, this time making eye contact with me.

“Yeah? What did you dream?,” I asked.

“Something different from all the other times. That we were in a cafe and we talked for hours... about many things, like when we talked on the phone. It was strange, it was like _she was saying goodbye to me_. Is that what I'm doing here today too?”

“Why you believe that?”

“I don’t know really. It's obviously not the same feeling I had a year ago. It hurts, but it's different. But I feel bad thinking I'm letting her go like this…,” he muttered.

“Spencer, that doesn't mean you're going to forget her, if that's what you're worried about...”

“No? Isn't my mind trying to move on and telling me _I should let it go_?,” He asked.

“It's possible. But moving on doesn't mean denying she existed. And that you loved her. And that maybe you still love her...,” I tried to explain.

“Perhaps. I would like to think it was a nice love story despite the ending... although _‘love story’_ would be saying a lot...,” he pointed out with a bitter smile on his lips and some tears running down his cheeks.

“It was a love story, Spencer. With all the tinges of _Greek tragedy_ , but it was real. What you felt… was real… and intense, it won't go away from one day to the next,” I said as I extended my arms to hug him. He let himself be carried away and hugged me tight. His head buried on my shoulder. We stayed like that for a few minutes.

“Do you think I can ever love like that again?,” He asked, lifting his head and looking at me. In his eyes I could clearly read the longing he was verbalizing at that moment.

“Spencer, I really hope so. You deserve to love deeply, and you deserve to be loved deepest. I hope you can find someone for that one day,” I replied as one of my hands stroked one of his cheeks.

“And do you think I'm ready for that?”

“I don’t know. Do you feel ready?”

“I want to be ready. I want to moving forward. I want to love… and I want to be loved… is it too much to ask?”

"Of course not. You just have to wait…,” I replied, giving him a smile I hope he felt like a promise.

“Thank you…,” he mumbled and kissed my cheek.

“Anytime”. I replied while intertwined my hand with his as we started to walk away from the place.

After walking a few meters I stopped in front of a new section of graves. I squeezed his hand and looked at him.

“I want to see my mom. Don't you mind waiting for me a while?,” I asked.

“Not. Of course not. But are you uncomfortable if I join you?,” Spencer asked back.

“No, it doesn't bother me. Only if you want to join me…,” I replied.

We continue walking until we reach my mom’s grave. You could tell someone had recently visited her. It must have been one of my brothers, there was a drawing made and colored by a toddler along with fresh flowers.

“Hi mom,” I mumbled. “Today I didn’t come alone. He is Spencer, we work together and we are friends. Sure you would have liked to talk to him. I know how you liked to talk about so many things and learn new things…”. Spencer smiled. We were still holding hands.

I was silent for a moment, staring at the stone. The rain began to fall with more intensity. Spencer opened his umbrella and held it over us to shelter us from the rain.

“She must be proud of you,” Spencer said at one point when he saw my eyes go glassy.

“Yes? I mean, she never complained about the decisions I made in life. As my dad and my brothers have done. But maybe secretly she never agreed with the things I've done. Sometimes I think she would preferred me to lead a _‘normal’_ life. Married at 25 and having my second child by now...”

“Do you really think so? Did you think about have that kind of life when you were with Ryan?,” Spencer asked curiously.

“Maybe. It was probably my _'acceptable-to-the-world'_ self that wanted to establish itself once and for all,” I replied.

“(Y/N), you don't need to prove anything to anyone, you know that, right?,” Spencer stated.

“So why do I have this uneasy feeling inside me?”. I said with a grimace on my face.

“Maybe because there is something doesn't make sense to you. Do you regret something? Have you doubted your plans and decisions for your life?”. I stared at Spencer thinking of an answer to give him.

“I should say no. But I feel like a stranger in my own life, you know?. I couldn't help but think about that while I dinner with my dad on Christmas Eve. How out of place I felt. Did you know I have a 3-month-old niece I don't met yet? I found out about his existence that night talking to my dad…”

“I cannot give you a better example of family. I haven't seen my dad for over 5 years. And before that, 17 years ago,” he explained.

“What can I say, we didn’t get the perfect families like in the movies...”. We both laugh thinking about the whole situation.

It was nice to be able to share that thoughts with someone. Especially with Spencer despite being such a difficult day for him. His gaze was heartwarming, the touch of his hand comforting. It wasn't just me supporting him, he was there for me too.

\- / - / - / - / -

It was true when I told (Y/N) that day at the cemetery I wanted to move on. I didn’t forget Maeve, much less what happened, but my life must go on. And even though I wasn't sure if I'd ever fall in love like that again, I at least wanted to be able to surround myself with the important people in my life and be there for them. I didn't have much faith in future, but I wanted to however be at peace with me. Peace with oneself was one of the first things (Y/N) told me as part of the goal of the grieve’s process: I wasn’t going to forget what happened, I wasn’t going to deny she existed, but I wanted to be at peace.

And that was something I felt closest to when time passed. I reconciled with my work, with my routine, with myself. I felt calm. I didn't know if I was ready for anything else, but time would tell.

The weeks turned into months. The nights became more bearable and the days brighter. And a lot of that was thanks to (Y/N). At this point it was difficult for me to imagine myself without her around. My confidant. My support. Many times I felt selfish about that. Yes, selfish because she became a lot to me and I was not able to give anything back. I didn't know how to do it until she started to trust me. That's when I was able to prove to her I could be there for her too.

But doubts started to appear in my mind over time. Was our friendship something _only instrumental_? And if so, was that a _bad thing_? Why did it sometimes feel like it was something else? Beyond trusting each other, beyond being there when was necessary. I don't know how to explain it, but I went from needing her comfort in my dark moments to _brightening my day_ with just her presence around me.

As I got to know (Y/N), I realized the great woman in front of me: strong, independent, decisive, intelligent, beautiful, kind, loyal. Any man would be lucky to have a woman like her by his side. Was _I feeling like one of those lucky men_? Sure, she was my friend, I already had a special place in her life. Was that enough? I thought it was enough for me. Until one night when I walked her to her apartment after a meeting in a bar with the team.

After a difficult case in Alabama, we decided we deserved to relax a bit, and we would go to a bar for a few drinks. Well, _'they decided'_ , bars have never been my scene, but I couldn't refuse. There were few opportunities to be together outside of work.

The most touched by alcohol that night were Penelope, Derek and (Y/N). Rossi promised to take Morgan home and Blake take Penelope to hers. I promised to take (Y/N). She lived nearby so she wanted to walk home and insisted she could do it without company. When she realized I wasn't to leave her there, she crossed her arms over her chest and murmured, “Okay, since you insist so nicely…”

The air was cool and even though I insisted, (Y/N) didn’t accept my jacket. The first part of the walk was silent. Well, more or less silent, since (Y/N) was singing the last song that played in the bar before we left.

“You didn't have to walk with me, Spencer. I'm not that drunk either ... am I?,” she asked stumbled a little.

“I didn't count the vodkas you drank, but that stagger doesn't convince me of your sobriety. Given that, the danger of you falling increases exponentially, further alcohol inhibits your senses of alert and we both know that serial killers are just around the corner,” I said matter-of-factly.

“Awww, Spencer. That is why everyone loves you, you are a true gentleman. But I insist, it was not necessary, you know I am a tough girl, right?,” she blurted laughing.

“Well, if you don't want my presence, just say so and I leave the tough girl on her own...,” I joked not knowing if she would catch it.

“You don't have to be harsh either. You know I like your company,” (Y/N) replied faking feel hurt.

“I know. I like your company too…,” I mumbled.

“Humm…”. She looked at me incredulously.

“What?”

“Don't lie, Reid. How good can it be for a genius like you to have me for company, especially in my drunk condition... _unless you like me, doc_ ”. She blurted out suddenly. I paralyzed.

“What?!”

“That what I said. _You like me?,_ or don't you find me attractive huh Reid?... well, maybe you would like me more if I were sober...”. (Y/N) laughed at loud.

“(Y/N)...”

“Hey! Calm down doctor... I'm kidding. Do not be nervous. Am I making you nervous Spencer Reid?”. She asked raising an eyebrow. I could feel a bead of sweat on my forehead despite how cold it was. I didn't want to stutter and I didn't know what to say. Fortunately we had reached the front of her building.

“Sure, you’re kidding. Hey!, here we are...”. I said pointed her building.

“Good. But you didn’t answer my question. I made you nervous? No? My bad... What about if I put myself closer? Like this?”.

She came closer placing a hand on my chest and looking intently at me with those beautiful eyes. I was trying to read what those eyes wanted to tell me. I was suddenly hypnotized by the intensity of her gaze. I took one of her cheeks with my hand. I hardly noticed when she rose on tiptoe bringing her face close to mine. I managed to lean in a little and her lips almost found mine. But that was not right. At the last minute I changed the target of my kiss: from her lips to her cheek.

“(Y/N)...,” I whispered.

“I know, I know... you don’t have to tell me, the _friendship bullshit_. You know? No, forget it. I _wanted kiss you right now_. But I can’t. You know why? Because despite I’m drunk I know we have a limit. We are friends. And that’s out limit…,” she huffed in frustration.

“I don’t think...”. I tried to say something, but nothing came up.

“See? Just forget it. I don’t want to take any advantage of you. It’s not fair. If I would have met you in that bar today and if we pretend we don’t know nothing about each other. Things could be easier...”

“You want this would be different?,” I asked softly.

“Why not?... I like you. Fuck, did I say that aloud?...”

“You like me?...,” I asked back. My initial shock didn’t disappeared.

“Well... who doesn’t? You’re cute...,” she tried to bypass the confession.

“That’s not what you meant...?”

“It’s exactly what I meant. And I’m drunk, and drunk people say the truth. Period. Goodnight Spencer”. After saying that. (Y/N) quickly steeped inside her building leaving me with my doubts spinning in my head.

“Hey! (Y/N)! Wait!...”. Too late, she had already disappeared from my sight.

In the days that followed, no one made mention of what ‘almost’ happened that night. I let it go thinking (Y/N) possibly didn't remember what she had told me. Her way of acting with me didn’t change so it was reasonable to think she didn’t remember anything from that night. I was not going to bring the subject on the table either. Although I allowed myself to hold the hope that she feel more than friendship for me.

A couple of weeks after the episode, when I arrived at the BAU and stepped inside the conference room, I saw Will was there. Hotch, Penelope and (Y/N) were there too, all looking worried. I started to get nervous. When (Y/N) saw me she told me JJ had been missing the night before and that we were looking for some clues. I felt myself pale from one moment to the next. (Y/N) took my hand and squeezing it a little. With that she brought me back to focus: “We are going to find her, but we need to do our job for that”.

The hours followed were grueling. JJ's disappearance was related to a covert operation commanded by the Defense Department itself. Hotch had to call for extra help: Prentiss, who quickly caught a flight to Virginia. Thanks to her and the information she was able to give us, we were able to locate the location of JJ and his captors. We were lucky enough to get there on time, despite getting caught up in an exchange of gunfire.

All relieved after the nightmare was over, JJ expressly asked for a break at a bar. Taking advantage of the free hours Prentiss had before heading back to London.

“It's too bad you leave so soon,” I told Prentiss when she came over to talk to me in the bar.

“I know. But it was good to be able to see you guys. It's not the best of contexts, clearly, but since everything went well, I'm glad to be here,” Prentiss said. I nodded in agreement.

“Yeah. That's right, the good thing is everything went well and we were able to rescue JJ in time”. I took a sip of my drink watching the rest of the group chatting animatedly. Hotch talking with Blake, Rossi with Penelope and Derek, Will and JJ with (Y/N).

“And Spencer… how have you been? The last time we spoke on the phone at least I heard you better than before,” Prentiss said.

“Me? Uh… yeah, good. Things have been good…,” I replied with a shrug. And the truth is yes, the last few months I felt much more relaxed, the nightmares were occasional and I was even recovering a pseudo sleep pattern that was arguably more decent than the one I was used to.

“Then... what happens?”. Prentiss asked. I don't know what she saw, but she saw something. Her profiling skills in all its expression.

“Emily, everything is fine...,” I tried to assure her. I was not going to openly say _'hey, I think I feel things for my co-worker I barely spoke to before'._

“Spencer… I know that face. I haven't seen you in a long time, but you can't fool me. There is something going through that brain of yours and you are not telling me what bothers you. I know something is going on”. Emily insisted.

“Emily, I don't know what you're talking about...”. Maybe if I played ignorant I would get Prentiss to drop the subject. Or maybe not…

“It's (Y/N), right?”. She blurted suddenly.

“What? What does (Y/N) have to do with this?”. I looked at her terrified. It couldn't be that obvious, could it?

“Come on Spencer. When I left the BAU you hardly spoke to each other. And in these hours you haven’t detached from each other. And now you're talking to me, you haven't taken your eyes off her,” Emily declared with a triumphant smile plastered on her face.

“With (Y/N) we get along pretty well. We are friends now”. I replied as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“Yes. I can see that. And I’m glad about that. But why do I think there is more than that?”. Prentiss wasn't let go the topic. I don't know why I thought I could avoid it with her.

“She helped me a lot after what happened with Maeve, you know?”

“I know. And it's good you could find someone to lean on. I can't even imagine what you went through Spencer. And I think (Y/N) was definitely a trusting person, for sure”.

“Yes. It’s true. I... learned to know her... and she is great...,” I replied as I took another sip of my drink.

“And you like her...,” Prentiss added. I just sighed.

“You want the truth? _I don't know_ , Emily... I mean, she's an attractive woman, she's intelligent, she's brave, determined, but she's... she's my friend. Just that. I don't want to push this further. What if it's just something I'm imagining? What if I'm applying ‘transference’ with (Y/N)? I wouldn't want things to go in that direction,” I confessed.

“It's okay. I'm not going to push. I’ll only say there are times when you should not think about things too much, and one thing does not exclude the other. She can be your friend and you like her... and who knows, both of you could be a couple too, why not?,” Emily said tapping me on the shoulder.

“You are my friend too. Do you want to be my girlfriend?,” I answered smiling. Prentiss started laughing, catching my irony.

“Are you willing to come with me to London, _'pretty boy'_?”. I smiled somewhat blushing. “Spencer… you know what I mean. After what you've been through, I think it's time to lose your fear of doing the things you want to do. And if your fear is the transference thing, I think that should have happened months ago. Now, if you ask me, I don't think that's it. I know (Y/N) and I know you, and I'm sure there are more things between you than just sharing bad experiences and pain. Maybe that was your way of approaching each other, but I can bet there's a lot more to it now. Anyway, you have to talk to her about this”

“What if she doesn't feel the same?”

“You won't know if you don't ask her. And well, if she doesn't feel the same, at least you tried and were sincere. That doesn't have to be a problem. They are both adults”

“I don't want to bother her...”

“And would you rather lie to her?... I think that's worse”

“Yeah. That would be worse… I think. You know, a few weeks ago we were about to kiss...”

“What? Why didn't you start with that?... what happened?”

“I stepped back. She was drunk, I was confused…”

“Fuck Spencer… both of you think pretty too much and doesn’t do things easy, you know?,” Emily said shaking her head in disbelieve.

Maybe Emily was right. I was thinking a lot without doing anything. When the night was over, I offered (Y/N) to walk her home. This time neither of us was drunk. She accepted and we talked about what happened in the last hours. It wasn't late, so (Y/N) offered me to come up to her place for some more chat. Somewhat reluctantly I accepted.

“A drink ?," (Y/N) offered when we stepped inside the apartment.

“No. I’m fine. The bar's drink is enough for me. Thank you,” I replied, sitting on the couch.

“Doesn't it bother you if I drink something? My nerves are still somewhat on edge,” (Y/N) confessed, shaking her head.

“Go ahead, it doesn't bother me”. (Y/N) moved to the fridge, got a beer, and popped the lid. Then she came back to the couch and sat next to me.

“It was good to see Emily after all…,” she pointed out taking a sip of her beer.

“Yeah. We all miss her,” I added.

“Although I must confess it feels glamorous to know you have a friend at Interpol...,” she laughed, probably expecting me to mimic her reaction.

But after talking to Prentiss at the bar, I was nervous. Damn Emily! I had her words stuck in my head repeating to me I should make a move with (Y/N). But I wasn't sure. After our failed kiss a few weeks ago, neither of us ever brought up the matter again.

“I guess so...,” I muttered. (Y/N) looked at me curiously.

“What's up Spencer? You're quieter than when we were at the bar. Are you okay?,” she asked me with a frown.

“Yes. I’m okay. I'm just... tired, you know?”

_Perfect Reid. Lie to (Y/N)._

“Yeah, I know. I'm exhausted too,” she stated resting her head on my shoulder. The contact made me feel a current running down my spine. To hide it, I reached out my arm to hug her. I started stroking her arm up and down while (Y/N) purred in delight.

“See? You’re going to fall asleep...,” I mumbled.

“Uhm… yeah. Don't blame me, this is nice, don't you mind if I snuggle a little?”. (Y/N) cuddled as she took another sip of her beer. I instinctively tightened the grip around her.

“Of course not. I don’t mind…”

We were silent for a while. At that time I was pondering my options. It felt so good to be with (Y/N) like this, but on the other hand I felt the urge to tell her what was going through my head. Prentiss was right, I had to be honest with her.

“(Y/N)?”

“Yeah?,” she lifted her head to look at me.

“I wanted to tell you that… you did a great job today. You bested chasing the unsub and blocking the building,” I said calmed but feeling almost defeated. First attempt: _failed_.

“Thanks Spencer. You did a good job there too,” she replied beaming. I needed something to push me to do it. Maybe a _drink would help_.

“May I?,” I asked, pointing to her beer bottle. She looked at me in amazement.

“Spencer, I can go get you one if you want... Mr. Germophobic...,” she replied giggling and making a move to get up from the couch, which I objected to.

“No!, It’s not necessary. It's okay. It's just a drink... if you don't mind...”

“Okay... here you go,” she handled me the beer.

I took a long sip and swallowed it hard. _Reid, it's now or never!_

“You know ... in these months I've noticed a few things ...,” I started to speak. I had to start in some point.

“About?,” She asked curiously.

“About you... about us,” I answered cautiously. I was waiting to see her reaction.

“What's up with that?,” she asked back, looking up to meet my gaze. I gulped and continuing talking.

“Ehm, (Y/N)? Do you think we are good friends?”. It wasn't the right question, but I couldn't avoid the bypass.

“Yeah. We are. Don't you believe that?”. There was confusion in her voice. I would have liked to be more straightforward, but my nerves were betraying me at the time.

“Yes I believe it. But ... do you feel that it could be different? Or that there could be something more than that between us?...”. She pulled away from my embrace to look at me. There was confusion and guilt in her eyes.

“God Spencer, I'm sorry. Made you feel uncomfortable? If you mean that night after the bar, I'm sorry, I didn't…,”she tried to apologize.

“No. I mean, I think it's the opposite, you know?”

“How is that?”

“I mean, I… I don't know. I think I have feelings for you, beyond our friendship,” I confessed.

“Spencer...”

“Please let me say it. I ... well, you know I'm not very good at expressing feelings, of any kind, you must have realized that by now. But I do not know. Without eager to flatter more than necessary, I feel great being with you and that has made me wonder if it’s because of being friends or... or because there is something more between us...”

“When you say _‘something more’_... what is that?,” she asked.

“I think that something more is... that I like you (Y/N)”. I stated.

“What?!!!”

“I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, really, but I can't get that idea out of my mind...”

“Do you like me? Are you sure?”. I nodded. She was silent, staring at the floor, avoiding making eye contact with me.

“Please (Y/N) tell me something. Finally tell me that I’m imagining things and that it’s better if I go home”. The silence was killing me.

“I can't do that...,” she replied.

“Why?...”

“Because I've been thinking about the same thing for a while. Hell Spencer. I don’t know. I really wanted to kiss you that night. I know that it’s crazy and it’s not a good idea and perhaps we are both imagining things. But I've never felt like this before, and I'm confused. I ... I don't know... I would like to tell you so many things about what I am feeling right now. I think _this_ between us is special, I've never had it with anyone... but I don't know, isn't it just me?...”

Something in my brain shorted-out. Time stopped. I could barely hear what (Y/N) was saying. My eyes danced between her eyes and her lips moving. God, those lips! In my head a voice repeating _'do it, do it at once, you idiot!'_... I could say it was Prentiss' voice. I moved closer to (Y/N), my face inches from hers. With my hands I took her cheeks and started to stroke them with the pads of my thumbs. She kept talking, but could barely understand what she was saying.

“Can I kiss you?”. I asked almost in a whisper. She stopped rambling and looked at me in surprise. Her mouth slightly open, catching her breath after her speech. When (Y/N) realized she hadn't answered my question, she nodded almost without blinking.

I leaned in and barely brushed her lips with mine. I wanted to wait for her reaction first. I pulled away to watch her gaze. (Y/N) stared at me. A mix between surprise and expectation. She didn't remove my hands from her cheeks, she didn't pull away from me. (Y/N) just looked at me like trying to speak to me without words. For a second I wondered if I should continue or not. I gathered up the remaining boldness I got and leaned back to meet her lips again, but this time was more than a brush. I kissed her gently waiting for a sign. Would she reciprocate the kiss this time? A moan emanated from her mouth as her hands gripped the lapel of my jacket and she kissed me back. My soul returned to my body. One of my hands went from her cheek to the base of her head. The other shyly clung to her waist. Her hands left the lapel of my jacket and wrapped around my neck. How could I describe it? Like the best feeling of all. Her lips were soft and warm, and molded perfectly to mine. The sensation was so intense that some moans escaped from both of us as we continued kissing.

When we parted for air, (Y/N) lightly bit my bottom lip and smiled. We looked at each other for a few seconds in silence. I didn't know much what to say. Maybe I expected her to say something first. But in a long time, both me and (Y/N) had been speechless. But I couldn’t stand the silence, so… I did the best thing I always do: _rambling_.

“Ehm… did you know in kissing the orbicularis oris is the main set of skeletal muscle involved?. It’s the one that allows the lips to pucker. They say that simple kisses use as few as 2 muscles, whereas passionate kissing can involve as many as 23 to 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles. Kissing release a lot a of Dopamine and Oxytocin too…,” I explained like if I was doing a lecture. She chuckled.

“You just kissed me and the first thing you say is _scientific facts about kissing_?,” (Y/N) asked, looking at me disapprovingly.

“I’m sorry if it was too bold of me,” I murmured. I could feel my cheeks flushed.

“Bold on what, specifically? Kiss me or the scientific facts about it?”. She questioned. Her voice was trying to be accusatory, but her gaze was soft and I could see a semi-smile drawn on her face.

“Both?,” I stuttered. All my confidence drained in the kiss. Now I didn't quite know what to say or do. It wasn't something I had calculated. I didn't have a plan. This was pure improvisation.

“Yes, it was bold. But you know what?,” she asked as her fingers played with some of my curls.

“Uhm?,” I hummed.

“Even though this is maybe the stupidest thing we've ever done… I liked it. And you know what else?,” she asked looking me straight. I could have melted with her gaze right there.

“What…?,” I asked. She leaned towards me.

“I would do it again... if you let me,” she whispered in my ear.

Had I wondered where my confidence gone from one moment to the next? It came back in that instant. I leaned down and caught her lips with mine again. It was like discovering magnetism and realizing I couldn't detach myself from her even if I wanted to. If the previous kiss was passionate, this one was multiplied at least 3 times. I felt like she opened her mouth to allow my tongue to access. There was no dominance fight, it was rather a way of being closer, of connecting with something more than our lips. I don't remember ever giving a kiss like that before. Okay, I'm not the _‘Mr. Experience’_ in these topics. But of the kisses I've experienced in my life, this one was clearly different from the rest. Would it be the same for her?

When we pulled apart again for air, this time she let go of my touch and got up from the couch. The terror returned to me. Did I do something _wrong_? Did _she regret it_? Did we _make a mistake_?

“Spencer... I think we should take a break...”

“Uhm? ... did I do something wrong?”

“Of course not. That kiss was… perfect. It's just, what are we doing, Spencer? That was… just a kiss?”

(Y/N) was standing with her back against the wall, arms crossed over her chest and looking at me confused. I got up too and approached so I could talk to her. There was no going back, I just had to tell her.

“I like you (Y / N), a lot. Since a time ago. Maybe I would never have dared to kiss you today if you hadn't said you like me too, even if you don't remember...”. She grimaced.

“Of course I remember what I said, Spencer. I was drunk, but I remember everything about that night...”

“So you meant it? Do you like me?,” I insisted.

“Too much. I would have to be insane to deny it”. I could see how her eyes softened. “But I'm scared too, Spencer...”. (Y/N) no longer had her arms crossed defensively, but there was an obviously concern on her face.

“Do you think _‘this’_ is _transference_ for me?,” I asked, thinking it was a reasonable suspicion for both of us.

“No, I didn't say that. My concern is not for you, it’s for me...”

“Why do you say that?”

“The last thing I want in life is to hurt you. And even though it seems like I'm getting too far ahead after a kiss, I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you or something like that…,” she tried to explain.

“Hey, I couldn't think that of you. Not after everything you've done for me. Not after what we've been through. (Y/N), I mean it, I really like you. I don't know where all _‘this’_ could go, but what I do know is I like being with you and I don't want to hide it from you or lie to you. I don't want to hide things, not from you...”

“They definitely broke the mold with you, Spencer Reid,” (Y/N) said giggling and taking my hands in hers.

“So... what do you think? Another kiss?,” I asked as I pulled (Y/N) towards my body and grabbed her waist. She rested her hands on my chest with her gaze fixed on mine.

“With a condition…”

“Which one?...”

“This time let me kiss you first,” we both grinned. She reached over and wrapped her arms around my neck, rose on tiptoe and began to kiss me gently. I closed my eyes, savoring the moment and her warm lips. Everything I told her was true. I didn't know where this would take us, but I was absolutely positive I wanted to try it with (Y/N).

———————

_“When your life is just confusion_

_And you're crashing to the ground_

_And you need someone to catch you_

_And then you finally figured out…”_

———————


	6. Put A Little Love On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader and Spencer take a step forward. They both hope don’t stumble and don’t fall to the abyss.

——————–

_“When the lights come up and there's no shadows dancing_

_I look around as my heart is collapsing_

_'Cause you're the only one I need_

_To put a little love on me …”_

——————–

“I think I should go home. It's late ..., ” I murmured as I softly kissed her earlobe.

“Uhm... yeah, sure,” (Y/N) whispered, looking for my lips to catch them and not let me speak.

“(Y/N)...,” I sighed on her lips. She pulled away a little just to look at me incredulously and smile.

“You said that half an hour ago... I still don't see you pretty convinced,” (Y/N) assured as she rested her head on my chest, hugging me. She was right, we had been in a make-out session on her couch for more than half an hour and neither had any real intention of stopping.

“You're making it difficult for me...,” I replied, placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Are you complaining...?”

“Not at all...,” I mumbled before catching her lips in mine again.

Seeing the clock and remembering we had to go to work in a few hours ended up persuading us it was time for me to leave. But the smile on my face didn't fade the whole way home. I had managed to tell (Y/N) how I felt about her and she confessed she felt the same way. I kissed her and she kissed me back. It was perfect. The knot in my stomach unraveled. I was relieved... but just as scared. That is, if we calculated the proportion between the number of months we ignored each other over the number of total months since we met, it was visibly greater than the calculated proportion of the time that we began to develop greater closeness over the total time. Simple math. Was that _'rushing'_ things? Under _'normal'_ conditions it would clearly not be understood that way, but our context was far from _'normal'_. We both had reasonable doubts given our previous love experiences - or lack thereof, if I think about me. But I felt it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to put off my feelings for my insecurity again. And clearly (Y/N) was totally worth the boldness.

Next day when I got to the bullpen, after leaving my messenger bag on my chair, I turned to make a coffee in the kitchen. I was on that when I saw (Y/N) arrive. She placed her things on her desk and walked into the kitchen with the same purpose as mine.

“Good morning,” I greeted shyly. It was a strange situation after all.

“Good morning Spencer...” (Y/N) replied looking at me and beaming, while taking a mug from the cupboard. I still had the coffee pot in hand. She got her mug closer, waiting for me to pour the treasured liquid on it. It wasn't something hadn't happened before, but the tingling in my stomach told me it was different now. After placing the pot on the counter, I grabbed my mug and took a sip without taking my eyes off (Y/N). She did the same. Our conversation of looks and smiles was interrupted by Hotch's voice saying we had a case and that we would meet in the conference room in 5 minutes.

“It seems will be a _busy day_ ,” said Morgan who was behind us with the same intention of getting a coffee. With (Y/N) we startled when we heard him, none had noticed his presence. Morgan frowned.

“Everything okay guys?,” Morgan asked.

“Yeah, I just didn't know you were here and it's too early for my brain to function normally. Good morning Derek Morgan,” replied (Y/N) chuckling.

“Good morning _little mama_ , I'm sorry I scared you,” Derek apologized.

“I forgive you,” (Y/N) stated as she starts her walk to the conference room. Morgan smiled shaking his head.

“What about you _pretty boy_ , did I wake up abruptly your brain too? Had a rough night?”

“The usual. You know. _Insomnia_ ,” I lied.

“Reid, you have to do something about it...,” Morgan scolded me.

“Yes. I know. I'm on it. I'm on it,” I replied before moving towards the conference room as well.

"Well my crime fighters, today we have a case in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,” Garcia spoke as she displayed the victims’ photographs on the screen. “Until now two women have been found dead in different locations in the city. The cause of death in both was strangulation. These women have so far not been identified”.

“How is it possible if the date of death of the first woman is two weeks? No one has missed her or reported her disappearance?”. Morgan complained.

“They may not be from Pittsburgh. And until we identify them, we will hardly know their origin,” told Rossi.

“Are they wrapped in shower curtains?”. (Y/N) asked.

“Yes! I'm trying to track the manufacturing to see if we can know its distribution chain in the city,” Garcia explained.

“It seems our unsub has regrets at the end,” Blake stated.

“Signs of sexual abuse?,” I asked.

“None,” Garcia replied.

“Well, we should go over the victimology and see what we find out from the coroner. Wheels up in 20,” Hotch concluded.

On the jet without much thought I sat next to (Y/N). After a new review of the case and update by García, each one focused on some personal task. Morgan listened to music with his headphones, Rossi and Hotch were talking, and Blake was reading a book. JJ was on two weeks leave to recover from the events of the day before. (Y/N) was looking over the jet's window. I was going to open my book to start reading.

“How did you sleep?,” (Y/N) asked, turning her head to look at me. I smirked a little flustered.

“Very good. And you?”

“Very good, too,” it was her turn to blush.

It took us three days to resolve the case before we returned to Virginia. Within those three days with (Y/N) we tried to maintain a certain _personal distance_ , although we couldn't avoid the prolonged stares. Nor could we avoid smiles or little touches when we passed each other or when we were together in a room. The feeling was quite close to a teenager when he is close to the girl he likes and seeks any excuse to look at her and be close to her.

Only in the privacy of our cars or apartments did we allow ourselves to display our affections more freely. And by that I mean tender kisses or passionate kisses or tight embraces, depending on the moment. This is how we lived the days and weeks that followed, bringing with it a high _sexual tension_ between us. For days our make-out sessions pushed us beyond and to the border of sexual, but none of us dared to take the next step. In my case, it wasn't I was against the idea, just it wasn't my style to take the lead and I was afraid that (Y/N) didn't want to go further yet.

The topic came up during a case in Minneapolis, where we had to share rooms due to lack of space. Hotch paired with Morgan, Blake with JJ and (Y/N) with me. Rossi had been sent to another case in Illinois.

Once we stepped inside the room the first thing we noticed was that there was only _one bed_. (Y/N) looked at me and we both started laughing nervously.

“In another context this shouldn't be embarrassing...,” I muttered, putting my bag on the floor and closing the door.

“I think so...,” (Y/N) replied giggling, after throwing her bag on a chair and then flopping onto the bed.

“Ehm, (Y/N)… have you thought about that?, you know… having sex?”. I asked approaching shyly and sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I would lie to you if I said no... would you?,” (Y/N) replied as she supported her weight on one of her forearms over the bed to get a better view of me.

“Of course I do...”

“Well... then is this something we should... discuss?,” she asked taking my hand on hers.

“Maybe? I don't want it to be something awkward between us... do you want to do it...?”

“Sure I want Spencer, but it's okay. We don't need to rush things. Let's take whatever time it takes until we're both comfortable with that. But I don't want you thinking I don't want to. I didn't know you had those doubts after the obvious tension of the last few weeks,” she chuckled.

“I want too! And… and I'm not a virgin (Y/N), as many people believe. But it's true I have little experience...,” I pointed out suddenly. I didn’t know why I needed to say it but I did it.

“Hey, Spencer, we're good. And even if you were a virgin, that shouldn't be a problem. Just take it easy, baby steps, okay? Let's enjoy this, okay?”

“Totally,” I replied as I leaned in to kiss her. She welcomed me with open arms, kissing me back.

After that short conversation things relaxed a bit between us. We try to maintain our professional distance and reserve our free time to be together. Disguising was not that difficult considering for months our friendship was quite close, which no longer generated suspicion in the team, or at least that is what I believed.

Anyway, as the days and weeks went by, I discovered that I was more avid for _physical contact_ than I thought and, particularly with (Y/N). At times I would catch myself looking for her fingers under the conference room table or trying to have her body close to me for even a fraction of a second while we work on some geographic profile or reviewing reports.

One afternoon after work we went to my apartment. In the morning we had arrived from a case that had us outside of Virginia for 4 days. During these days the pressure was so intense so we had to suppress any affectionate demonstration between us. It was time to make up for lost time.

We were in my couch in our usual make-out session but as time went by the kisses began to be more intense, more needed. My hands, which could not be still, had done their excesses in (Y/N) hair and now danced down her back under her blouse. Without thinking twice, she lifted her legs and crossed them over mine, pushing herself to sit on my lap. More boldly, she straddled me. That encouraged me to place my hands on her buttocks. A pleasant moan escaped her mouth as she bit my lower lip, managing to elicit groans of satisfaction from me.

That position also allowed her to kiss my lips, kiss my cheeks, the joint of my neck and bite my earlobe. (Y/N) by now knew exactly what places to kiss and touch to turn me on. With her body on me I could feel the bulge in my pants tightening more and more. I took advantage of giving her intense wet kisses on her neck, sucking and leaving some red marks on her skin.

“(Y/N) ...,” I murmured on his lips.

“Tell me _what you want_ Spencer ... do you want to take off my clothes? Do you want to touch me? Do you want to leave marks on my skin? Do you want to _fuck me_?... just say it...”

“Uhm... if your idea of _dirty talk_ is to turn me on and push me to the limit, it's working perfectly...,” I whispered in her ear.

“You can do it too. You don't know how it turns me on to think what Dr. Spencer Reid is like _talking dirty_...”

“You have no idea... I don't either,” I said with a nervous laugh.

“I want to know... and I can give you an incentive to do so...,” she indicated seductively, unbuttoning the buttons of his blouse one by one.

“Do you want to know?, oh _dirty girl_ , do you want me to tell you how I turn on with the kisses you give me? How do I feel the bulge of my pants burn and harden when you rub your body against mine?... times that I have dreamed of having you in my bed pounding you uncontrollably? that I want to make you scream my name? How have I dreamed of making you cum with just my tongue? Imagine all those nerve endings your clitoris has, sending _waves of pleasure to your brain_ while my tongue licks and sucks...”

“Fuck Spencer... I get it, you can talk dirty... now do it”

“Is that what you want…?”

“Spencer, shit… just do it. Don't make me wait any longer... please”.

After that incentive I just let myself go, sliding her shirt down her arms and letting it fall to the floor, my lips glued to her neck. One of my hands on her back and the other one massaging one of her breasts over her bra. (Y/N) moaning and grinding over me to increase the friction between our bodies. I was _ready_. I was _more than ready_...

 ** _Buzz-Buzz-Buzz_** **.** The sound of my cell phone vibrating on the couch snapped me out of my lustful thoughts.

“Are you kidding me?,” (Y/N) groaned still grinding over me. I looked at the caller ID and it was Hotch. I tried to regulate my labored breathing for a few seconds before answering.

“Hotch?...”

“Reid. I hope I didn’t wake you up. We have an case. It’s urgent. We need to meet at the BAU as soon as possible,” Hotch pointed out in his usual serious tone. (Y/N) had her head resting on my shoulder, her arms around my torso.

“Okay. No, I was awake. In half an hour I can be there...,” I replied, checking my watch.

“Reid, something else. Do you know where is (Y/L/N)? She didn't answer the phone when I called her a few minutes ago.”

_Yeah. She's here with me, sitting on my lap... half-naked... we were about to have sex...'_

“Ehh, (Y/L/N)?... no. I can try calling her now, to let her know...,” I stuttered.

“Please. I told Garcia to insist anyway. Well. See you here,” said Hotch.

“Yes. I’m coming now. See you there,” I told him before hanging up the phone.

“You must be joking that we have a case...,” (Y/N) growled without detaching herself from me.

“Yeah, and I just lied to Hotch saying I didn't know about you or why you weren't answering the phone…”

“Fuck… I forgot I left it mute. Do you think he believed you?,” (Y/N) asked as she got up from my lap and began to button her shirt.

“It's Hotch. Whatever that means...”

“We’ll find out soon, for sure.” I just shrugged. “This won't stay in this way Dr. Reid, is that clear?”. (Y/N) sentenced before disappearing from the room on her way to the bathroom. I tried to compose myself and fix my clothes. At least no one could be suspicious when seeing me with the same clothes as in the afternoon. Right?

\- / - / - / - / -

What could have been a memorable night with Spencer was left only in that: _‘it could have been’._ To avoid radiating joint frustration, Spencer and I sat in separate spots on the jet, exchanging glances from time to time. Morgan didn't miss an opportunity to tease me about my unfriendly face.

“Someone is not happy that they have interrupted their sleep hours”

“You have no idea Morgan, you have no idea,” I complained.

“You've have to be like _pretty boy_ , just don't sleep,” he said pointing to Spencer who was with his head buried in a book. I looked at him and he stared back at me muttering an _‘I'm sorry’_. Jeez, this case would last forever.

“Okay. We are going to review the case now”. Hotch announced.

Everything in this case was despicable: we had to face the hellish heat of Phoenix that hit us as soon as we landed. The case itself was frustrating: it involved the disappearance of women in broad daylight from the parking lots of supermarkets or mini markets. The most bizarre thing was the victims were found dead in the same places from where they were kidnapped exactly 2 days later, stabbed in the heart and dressed postmortem simulating the aesthetics of famous actresses from the 50s and 60s. How could anyone have seen anything?. What disturbed me the most was the aesthetic montage that was clearly a feast for the press.

My frustration also appeared on a personal level. I couldn't help it, but seeing Spencer during the case didn't help my concentration no matter how hard I tried. Our _‘unfinished business’_ did nothing but disturb me and made me notice details that without the tension could have gone unnoticed: like the morning when he arrived with his shirt rolled up and revealed his forearms. Can forearms be sexy? Well, in this case yes. Highlighting his large, veiny hands with those long fingers. A nightmare for my serenity. Or the day he wore slacks tighter than normal and revealed his slightly more defined butt. Of course Spencer Reid didn't have a big butt, but I couldn't take my eyes off him and he looked perfect to me.

After 5 days of intense work we managed to come up with the unsub name. Morgan, Rossi, Hotch and Blake went to make the arrest. While Spencer, JJ and I prepared for the interrogation where we expected to have a full confession. It was a matter of time to have the bastard in custody.

At one point I left the meeting room and headed to the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom I was faced with Spencer coming out of the men's bathroom as well. We looked at each other for a few seconds before I, without thinking, shoved him back into the men's bathroom, this time with me inside and locking the door.

“(Y/N)... what are you doing...?,” Spencer asked as I shove him to the bathroom wall. My lips only inches of his.

“God Spencer, I don’t know what is happening to me, but I can’t resist see you around and can't touch you... have been 5 days”. My hands travelling around his chest, greedily catching his lips in mine.

“I could tell you the same...,” he replied between kisses.

“Yeah?”

“You have no idea. Last night I had to... you know, to take care of myself in the bathroom hoping Morgan didn’t wake up”. He confessed.

“Shit Spencer... was you thinking of me when you touched yourself?,” I moaned in his ear.

“Oh yeah. I did. I thought about you all the time”. His hands roaming my body.

“You must think I’m crazy. So desperate for you...”

“I’m not complaining. I’m just as frustrated as you are...". Sloppy kisses followed. My hands lost in his curls.

“You’re up for bathroom sex now?,” I panted.

“You know we can’t...”. Spencer stated in defeat.

“I know. I know. Just kiss me again”. I demanded.

“As you wish...”. Passionate kisses leaded to moans escaping from our mouths.

“Believe me, when we’ll come back I won’t let you go. I’m going to handcuff you to the bed frame if I need to”

“I’m counting with that”. We didn't want detach from each other but we had work to do yet. After fixing our clothes and ourselves, Spencer gave me a peck and left the bathroom first. Then I did the same.

When I closed the bathroom door I realized JJ was in front of me. I startled when I saw her.

“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to scare you (Y/N). Everything is okay?,” she asked.

“Yeah. All good. I just didn't know you were here…,” I muttered.

“Yes, I came to the bathroom”. JJ said pointing to the front door: the ladies' room. _Fuck_ , I'd forgotten I was coming out of the men's room. She must have seen Spencer leave before me.

“Oh. I see”. It was just my answer. Then a tense silence between us.

“Ehm, (Y/N)? ... sorry, I don't want to get into your private life but... clearly there is something between you and Spence. And I'm not saying it just because I've seen you come out of the bathroom now...”

“JJ, I don't know what you expect me to tell you...”. I wasn't going to deny the undeniable, but I honestly didn't know what she expected me to say either.

“No, nothing. It's okay. It's just I care about Spence…,” she said in her usual motherly tone. Now, maybe her choice of words wasn't right or she was sincere enough to say openly that she cared about Spencer and not me.

“We all care about him,” I replied with a frown.

“You know what I mean (Y/N). He's been through a lot, I wouldn't want to see him hurt again”.

_Hurt ‘again’? Did I miss something?_

“Why do you assume Spencer might suffer o get hurt... because of me? Is that what you're implying?”. I didn't want to sound harsh but red flags started popping up in my head.

“I am not assuming anything (Y/N). I just want to protect him,” JJ insisted.

“Agree. I understand your good intentions JJ, but maybe you should talk to him about it and not me. Spencer is a man already, he makes his decisions. I don't think I'm someone who can answer for him”.

“I know. He makes his decisions, but we both know how things can turn out after that...”.

_God, will they ever treat Spencer like a grown man?_

“Okay, if you want to keep treating him like a kid who doesn't know what he does, it's something you should discuss with him and not with me. For my part, I can only tell you it will never be my intention to hurt Spencer. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to the meeting room.”. She nodded without saying another word.

I didn't want to discuss my little conversation with JJ with Spencer. I perfectly understood her apprehensions. The same that Hotch told me months before in his office. In my head I was going through the idea of whether maybe I was actually taking advantage of Spencer's vulnerability. I wanted to believe that no, after all, it came out of his own mouth that he felt things for me beyond our friendship. I tried to get those ideas out of my head. We were both adults, we could handle our ‘relationship’ on good terms, right?

Finally the case ended. It was a relief to go back to Virginia and get out of the hell of Phoenix. On the jet I was sitting next to Rossi. Spencer on the other end sitting alone with a book.

“Are you okay, _bella_?,” Rossi asked when he saw me sigh.

“Yes, just tired. I want my bed badly,” I replied. It was true, in that minute I felt all the energies had left my body.

“We all want the same _bella_ , all of us…,” Rossi replied smiling. I smirked back. I was about to close my eyes to get some sleep when I felt my cell phone vibrate. I took it out of my pocket and it had a message from Spencer: _'Your place or mine?.'_ The single question made specific parts of my body feel a delicious heat. I could feel his gaze on me as I read the message. I looked up and smiled playfully. I quickly typed the answer: _‘Mine, I bet I have more food in the fridge than you have in yours... you know, for later’_.

As soon as the door of my apartment closed we both dropped our travel bags. Spencer cornered me against the door, attacking my neck with his lips as my hands struggled to remove his blazer. Mimicking my anxiety, Spencer slid my jacket down my arms dropping it to the floor. A groan of anticipation left my mouth as I unbuttoned his cardigan and released his tie. When Spencer started unbuttoning my blouse he suddenly stopped. He pulled away from me a bit and I looked at him oddly.

“What's wrong? You want me to stop?,” I asked with my hands on his chest yet.

“God, no (Y/N)! I want this. I'm just nervous... I haven't do this in a while... I don’t want to do something wrong...,” he mumbled.

“It's okay Spencer, we don't need to do it now...,” I tried to soothe him.

“Are you serious? I'm burning inside (Y/N), I want to do it!”, he whined in a high pitch tone. I smiled mischievously.

“Uhm, I got an idea. C ‘mere,” I took his hand and walked him to the living room.

“An idea?,” he asked frowning.

“Yes. Just sit and relax,” I said pointed the couch. Spencer flopped on it. I took my phone from my pocket and walked to one of the wall shelves.

I plugged my phone into the speakers and put up a playlist that started with one of my favorite songs and accurate for that moment. Spencer sitting on the couch had an expression of interest and didn’t take his eyes off me. When the music started, I slowly walked over to couch and stood in front of him with the most playfully look in my eyes. He gulped hard. Mouth lightly agape.

To the sound of the music I started moving my hips gently. Not so sexy like I would have like but I could see Spencer's pupils dilate in anticipation licking his bottom lips.

“What are you doing...?,” he asked as I flexed my knees and legs lowering my body almost sweeping the floor with my butt. For support, I suggestively put my hands on his knees. I could feel him tensing to the touch.

“I know is a waste of time asking you to dance with me... so...”. I said as I lifted my body again and took off my shoes throwing them away across the room. “I thought it would be better if I put a show for you... hope you like it”. The music was floating in the room and I swaying my hips, with my gaze fixed on Spencer’s eyes. I started unbuttoning my blouse, one button by one. Slowly. Spencer breathing heavily.

“(Y/N)... you have no idea how beautiful and sexy you are...,” his words made the effect I needed to continue. I’m not going to lie, I never did this before but thinking in Spencer getting off because of me worth the try.

“Tell me handsome, someone danced for you like this before?,” I asked as I slid my blouse through my arms and dropped it to the floor. Spencer gasped.

“No. In fact... nobody had danced for me in any form before...”

“So you have nothing to compare. That’s good because for sure I kind suck like sexy dancer”. I giggled some kind blushed. Spencer chuckled shifting in the couch.

“I wouldn't say that. I'm quite relishing this... a lot...,” he stated with his hands gripping hard the edge of the couch.

“Yeah?”. I unclasped my bra and started removing slowly from the straps revealing my breasts. With the garment in my hand I throwed it to Spencer. I heard him moan loud.

“God (Y/N)... that damn breasts of yours...,” he mumbled biting his lips.

“I can see you’re enjoying this, naughty boy...,” I smirked resuming my attempt of sexy dancing.

“Do you think I could be naughty, (Y/N)?,” he asked in a lower hot tone. I got him completely in the scene. Hear him speak like that was enough to soak myself.

“Oh yeah. And I want to see it. Can you show me?... the other night you said a lot of interesting things…” I said as unbuttoning my jeans and slide it down my legs painful slow for him.

“I did. I… I could have some more to say right now, you know?”. I removed my jeans gently and completely revealing my almost bare body just covered by my black panties.

“I'm all ears naughty boy...,” I said in the utter sexy voice I could.

“C ‘mere. Let me… let me touch you,” I complied and sat in his lap.

“You can touch whatever you want...,” I whispered in his ear.

“Uhm... this anticipation is killing me, you know?,” Spencer said as one of his hands stroked my lower back and the other was dangerously resting on my thigh.

“Hope you liked it...”

“You’re such a dirty girl... I like it. You know what else I like about you?,” he asked keeping his low tone almost in a whisper.

“Please, Spencer... I want to know...," I gasped licking his earlobe.

“I like your soft skin... I like how you shiver under mi touch. I like this sweet spot in your neck and the giggles you let out when I kiss it”. Said and done. His mouth attacking that damn sweet spot. I closed my eyes in pure bliss.

“Yeah... you drive me crazy with that...,” just to prove my point I lifted one leg putting it over his lap and then lifted the other one to straddle him. My barely covered core dangerously near of his tensed bulge. Spencer moaned feeling my wetness of my panties in his slacks.

“So wet (Y/N)... I did that?,” he asked teasingly.

“Yes. And it’s all for you too, doctor”. Our lips met again, now more needy than ever. Moans between kisses and sighs filled the living room and mingled with the soft music that came from the speakers.

Without breaking the kiss slowly I started unbuttoning Spencer’s dress shirt. His bare chest exposed in all glory just for me. I parted my lips from his just to admire the view.

“I dreamed with this a lot...,” I stated as I danced my eyes across his exposed body.

“Hope you don’t mind the pale...,” he blushed and shyly smiled.

“Of course not baby... this is much better than my dreams...,” I moaned kissing his jaw and tracing eager patterns in his chest with my fingernails. His hands cupping my ass cheeks and pulling me closer to his body. I could feel his erection painful tensing his slacks. His mouth trapped one of my breast and sucked my nipple hard. I moaned at loud. This foreplay was going too far for how excited we were of each other.

My hands went down to the belt buckle and I eagerly started to loosen it as well as undo and unzip his pants. I felt a groan from Spencer that rumbled on the skin of my breast caught in his mouth.

“Let's see what's in here...,” I murmured as I slipped my fingers into his pants just barely touching his erection through his boxers. At the sensation Spencer released my nipple from his mouth and threw his head back in pleasure.

“(Y/N), don't keep torturing me...please…”

“On the contrary baby, I want you to enjoy it... aren't you enjoying it?,” I teased while wetly kissing his chin.

“In the most painfully pleasurable way... yes. Please keep going... your fingers feel so good...,” Spencer whispered as he grabbed my waist tightly.

“Where are those thoughts sexy boy?... tell me…”

“In your hands. How your hands are touching me...”

“What do you say? We continue playing but now in bed?,” I offered.

“Sounds perfect to me,” he said as without warning grabbed my buttocks and in one motion he got up off the couch with me on top of him. In order not to lose balance I held my arms around his neck, as well as my legs around his waist.

Before we got to the room Spencer stopped and leaned me against the wall hungrily capturing my lips with his as I squeezed my legs around his waist to generate more friction with his bulge. It was the point of no return.

“Are you sure you want this?,” he asked still with his mouth on mine. His breath felt hot on my skin.

“Spencer… I'm sure. I want this. I want you. Please, let me have you and allow yourself to have me too...”

That was all it took him to continue. We stepped in the dark room, only lit up by the street lights that came through the window with its curtains open and the light that came from the living room.

Spencer gently set me down on the mattress, stepping back and staring at me intently without saying a word.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking at you,” he replied simply.

“You like what you see?”

“Oh yeah”

“Well, as much as that look of yours is a real ego boost for me... I need something else now, you know?,” I said beckoning him with one finger to joined me in bed. "But, first... pants off, doctor,” I instructed.

"Yes ma'am," he replied grinning and sliding his pants to the floor. Then he crawled the bed and hovering me with his arms.

He kissed me hungrier while his hands traveled for all my body: my arms, my breast, my stomach, my hips, my thighs... they couldn't still in one just place. His warmth in all my body intoxicating me. I closed my eyes in pleasure. Lips parted, moaning with every touch.

“Tell me (Y/N)... what do you want? I’ll do it... I’ll do whatever you want…”

“Baby… I want to please you with my mouth. Let me suck you off...”

“Oh dirty girl...,” Spencer removed his boxers discarding it to the floor. He sat on the mattress with his back flat resting on the headboard looking at me and licking his lips. I kneeling in front of him first admiring his glorious cock springing free, tip coating with pre cum. I ran one of my fingers to collect his wetness and sucked it with my tongue just like an announcement for what coming next. Resting on my elbows I took the tip in my mouth, tasting it slowly. He moaned at the feeling.

“You keep torturing me with your teasing... I don’t know if I’m mad or more aroused... or both... oh shit!”. He exclaimed when suddenly I took more of his cock in my mouth. I started moving my tongue swirling around him making sure of licking the pounding main vein. Spencer breathing was sharp. “Oh fuck (Y/N)... you take it so good...”. I keep my task hollowing my cheeks and bobbing my head. I set a regular pace that made Spencer jerk with each movement. He tried to keep his eyes open to see how I was working on him but when I speed my pace he couldn’t help throw his head back closing his eyes in a uncontrollable pleasure.

“(Y/N)... if you keep doing that I’m not going to last as much as I want...”. I released his cock with a pop and looked at him with a full satisfaction grin.

“For the record, I loved doing this. This thing you have here, doctor, fits and taste perfectly inside my mouth, you know?,” I stated playfully. Spencer laughed between his panting.

“Yeah... good to know...” he said beckoning me to join him.

“What do you want now baby?,” I asked crawling beside him and catching his lips in a passionate kiss. He could taste himself in my mouth.

“I want… eat you out... if that is okay for you…,” he replied and I could see the lust in his eyes. My body trembling thinking in how could be to feel him between my legs.

“Damn it Spencer!... I couldn’t say no to that. Please, be my guest…”. I moaned in anticipation.

With a eagerly grin he put my back flat onto the mattress. His lips traveled from my collarbone, stopping on valley of my breasts peppering wet kisses in his path. With one hand in each breast massaging and squeezing them. His mouth moving to south, kissing my stomach and belly, hands roaming my sides down to my hips and stopping in my thighs.

Sloppy kisses in my inner thigh and in my covered core. I was impatiently. The teasing was too much.

“Spencer... please...,” I whined.

“Yes, yes... I’m almost there sweetie”. With his fingers putting down my panties slowly, exposing my wet pussy. With the garment out, one of his finger traveled between my folds coating the wetness. And I could witness the sexy thing I imagined to see: Spencer putting his finger on his mouth and sucking clean, tasting my juices and moaning. Fuck, I would have an orgasm right there is that precisely moment.

“ _Fuck Spencer_... that was hot,” I panted.

“You’re hot sweetie... I can't help myself,” he murmured.

Without any anticipation he buried his head between my legs, his tongue parting my folds and licking eagerly. “You taste so good...”

“Uhm... all yours. Eat me out Spencer, please...,” I begged.

His tongue focused in my clit, circling and licking softly at first. With my soft moans, Spencer sped up his motions. My hands massaging his scalp between his curls, my eyes fluttered shut lost in pleasure. Moans filling the room while his hands kept my hips onto the mattress preventing me from buck forward.

He released one hand from my hips and put two fingers inside me. I cried noisy feeling his fingers moving and curling in my core. My legs over his shoulders with my heels pressing his back begging for more. Spencer’s tongue working hard in my clit and his fingers pumping in and out in a crescent pace.

“Oh Spencer... right there. You're a fucking genius... please, don't stop”. I felt how Spencer smirked while his tongue and fingers gave me no truce. He lifted slightly his head to look at me and speak. His fingers never stopped thrusting me in and out.

“Are you close?... I can tell you're enjoying this, don't you?...,” he teased before attacking my clit again with his tongue.

“Yes!... it feels _so fucking good_... shit... Spencer, I'm almost there!... I'm going to cum...,” I yelled in pleasure.

“Do it for me (Y/N), let me feel how you come in my fingers. Let me taste you orgasm,” he mumbled eagerly speeding up his pace in an insane way. I could feel the knot down in my belly about to explode until I felt my vision went white. I cried feeling my orgasm hitting me like a train and traveling for all my body. My legs trembling and my mouth was dry of panting and moaning.

Spencer continued his ministration but at a slower pace prolonging my orgasm in an exquisite way. My breathing was heavy. As I began to descend from my heights, Spencer extracted his fingers from my pussy and savored them earnestly in his mouth. I was still panting but now with my eyes open and fixed on him.

“That was... wow... fuck Reid...”

“Hot?,” he chuckled as shifted besides me on bed.

“ _Fucking amazing hot_. You have a talent in that mouth of yours… and those fingers…,” I trailed off taking those two _blessed fingers_ that made me cum minutes ago and putting them on my mouth to suck them eagerly.

Then I grabbed his face with both hands to kiss him passionately. He kissed me back with the same enthusiasm gluing his body to mine. I could feel his erection more evident than ever.

“Spencer...,” I whispered into his lips.

“Yes?,” he replied in the same way.

“Fuck me already. I need you inside of me...”

“I thought you never ask...”. I spread my legs and he positioned his hips between them, teasing my entrance with the tip of his cock.

“Do we need a condom?,” he asked looking at me.

“No if you don´t want to. I'm on the pill and clean, you?”

“I'm clean too...,” he mumbled kissing the crook of my neck.

“Then do it...”. Said and done. He aligned his cock at my entrance with one of his hands and began to push it inside slowly. My walls tightened at the contact as we both moaned loudly. Once completely inside me we both stood still to get used to the sensation.

“Shit (Y/N)... you're so tight...,” Spencer moaned. His head buried on one of my shoulders.

“Yeah. Oh God, you feel so good inside of me... now please...move”. After pull it almost totally out, he thrusted me hard and started moving in a low pace but deepening every push. Both of us moaned and let our own names slipped from our lips. Spencer lifted his head, his eyes looking at me intensely.

“(Y/N)... you look _so fucking hot_ beneath me...,” he said as pounded me faster. Sweat running through our bodies.

“Fuck me harder Spencer...,” I begged as my hands gripping the sheets at my sides. The pace increased madly and I could bet I went heaven and back several times. Hear him moan and say my name was enough to push me to the limit.

“Please, look at me... I want to see your eyes when you cum...”

I complied him by opening my eyes. I fixed my gaze on those beautiful brown eyes that sparkled full with pleasure and lust. His mouth ajar, panting. His messy curls draining beads of sweat onto my body. This single image of him on top of me was about to bring me to a new orgasm.

“Spencer... I'm close...,” I cried lost in the fire that was running in my body.

“Me too... I'm almost there... shit (Y/N)... hearing you moaning is so fucking hot…”

“You feel so good inside of me... please...”

“Cum for me again (Y/N). I need to feel it to let me go... c'mon sweetie, you can do it. Fuck!... let me feel how you come with me inside of you...,” Spencer groaned moving faster and harder.

Hearing his moans getting louder, the sound of our skins hitting us with each thrust, feeling his cock strike that sweet place inside me and his words encouraging me to finish, were the perfect mix to push me to a new orgasm. This time more powerful and intense. Announced by a loudly but pleasure cry. My walls tightened, my legs shook, my belly contracted, and my back arched in sheer pleasure. As I was downing from my high, Spencer's thrusts grow more sloppy and his cock twitched inside me. After a few more thrusts, I felt him cum fill me inside. He kept moving slowly roading his own orgasm.

“Jeez (Y/N)…,” Spencer barely mumbled before pulled out of me with a whine and collapsing by my side in the bed. With his back on the mattress looking the ceiling. Both of us were breathing heavily, feeling our lazy bodies recovering from our recent activities.

“I must say this was triply amazing...,” I sighed and turned my head to look at Spencer. He looked back at me with a huge grin and a gaze full of adoration.

“Yeah. So much so I don't even have data or anything to say about it right now...”. We both started laughing.

“Okay, I'm going to the bathroom and I'll be right back,” I said as I got out of bed.

In a few minutes I came back with a damp towel to clean us up. Spencer barely moved from his spot. Once done I threw the towel into the laundry hamper and snuggled against his body resting my head on Spencer’s chest. With one of his hands he started gently stroking my lower back. We were silent for a while.

“Are you okay?,” he asked with a soft voice tracing circles on my back with his fingers.

“Yeah. I’m perfectly okay. Why?,”. My hand on his chest feeling his breathing pattern.

“I don’t know. You were silent. I’m not complaining for silence but... I can tell you’re thinking about something important right now. I almost _feel you_ frown”. I smirked.

“I could say the same for you, right?. You were silent too,” I replied kissing his chest and lifting my head to look at him not parting our embrace.

“Uhm. True,” he told me kissing my forehead. I bit my lower lip thinking how put in words what I was thinking.

“Okay. I’m... worried... a little”. I parted of his embrace and rested my side on one of my forearms looking Spencer. My head supported by the pillows. He frown and mimicking my position in bed.

“Why?,” he asked looking at me with full attention.

“Spencer, don’t get me wrong. This night has been amazing. I‘m enjoying every second of this. But… I can’t help thinking about what this means for us or... I don’t know...”. I pursed lips thinking if I said the right words.

“You worries about what we are now...”. He concluded.

“Yes. But no because I want a tag for this. We started like friends and I don’t want to lose that, you know? I don’t want to lose the confidence between us. The possibility of talking about our worries or fears. I don’t want to lose the trust... our friendship after all”. He nodded and put one of his palm in my cheek. I closed my eyes briefly and pressed my cheek against his hand to feel more of his touch.

“Why do you think we can lose that being a couple? Like a good friend of us said, ‘we can have the best of both worlds’...”. He keep stroking my cheek and smiled. I smiled too knowing who said that.

“Emily, right?. Prentiss ship us since years, did you know that?". I remembered our last drunk talk in JJ's wedding.

“Yeah. I know. Maybe she was right all the time". Spencer said leaning and kissing me softly. I reciprocated the kiss. When we parted our gazes fixed in each other. Spencer's hand left my cheek and took my hand on his. I sighed.

“Perhaps... but I can’t stop thinking. We both are broken in something. You think this can be work?”. I asked squeezing his hand gently.

“I don’t know. And you’re right, I guess ours is not the traditional type of relationship but believe me when I tell you I can’t imagine now my life without you on it. In one way or another. I really have feelings for you (Y/N). I can’t tell you if I could love again... I mean, in the same way as... before... but this is different and I like it...”

“I like this too. I like you a lot, but please... promise me something Spencer…”

“Yeah, sure. Tell me...,” he looked me curiously.

“Promise me whatever happens between us we’ll always tell the truth to each other, no matter how hard it be. Promise me we’ll keep honest to each other in this. We both deserve it”. Spencer listened carefully each of my words and after a brief silence he replied.

“I _promise you_ , (Y/N). You promise do the same for me?,” he asked.

“I promise. I'll never want to hurt you and I'll stand by you always you need me. I want you to know that too". We sealed our promise with a passionate kiss.

There are people who say that _words are taken away by the wind_ and that _promises are just words_. At that moment I wanted to believe that _words create our reality_ and I hoped that Spencer believed the same.

———————

_“Put a little love on me_

_Put a little love on me_

_When the lights come up we're the only ones dancing_

_I look around and you're standing there asking…”_

———————


	7. Falling In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much things happening here: Spencer and Reader have to make some decisions about this new stage in their relationship. Some cases are more complicated than others. Some people left and some people arrived. Reader reveals an important part of her past. Warnings: PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THIS CHAPTER. This contains some explicit smut references (not smut itself) and some strong language. References to physical injuries. TRIGGERS: References to death, drug abuse, alcohol abuse and other substances discussing about physical an psychological abuse, discussing and some details about self-harm and suicidal thoughts. AGAIN. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THIS. IT´S FICTION BUT IF YOU DON´T FEEL OKAY, ALWAYS LOOK FOR HELP, THERE ARE PEOPLE TRAINED FOR THIS KIND OF THINGS.

——————–

_“I'm standing in your driveway_

_It's midnight and I'm sideways_

_To find out if you feel the same_

_Won't be easy, have my doubts too_

_But it's over, without you I'm just lost, incomplete_

_Yeah you feel like home, home to me…”_

——————–

I woke up to the sound of rain and some drops hitting the window. When my brain started its functions again, I realized I was snuggled with my back against Spencer's chest and our arms and legs linked under the sheets and comforter. I could feel his breath on my neck. It must have been early but I wasn't sure what time it was and I didn't want to move to find out.

I closed my eyes to enjoy the warmth radiating from his body to me. The rhythm of his breathing was slow. You could say he was sleeping soundly. The vibration of his gentle breathing made me feel sleepy again. I let out a deep breath and began to fall asleep again.

I woke up again to the sound of the rain pouring outside and the movement of Spencer stretching next to me. He still had one of his hands on my waist. I rolled over in bed to look at him. His tangled hair, barely open eyes, and an adorable smile on his lips was the first things I noted.

“Morning,” I slurred, smiling.

“Uhm... morning. Still raining?...,” he asked with groggy and raspy voice.

“Yeah. And it’s cold…”. I protested.

“We can fix that, come here...,” he mumbled pulling me closer to his body, taking the sheets and comforter for covered us to the top and entangled his arms around me under the covers. “Better?”

 _“Much better,”_ I replied satisfied with his motions.

“Did you know body can irradiate heat in better way when it’s naked instead clothed? Clothes act like a shutdown of body-heat conduction...,” he rambled.

“I didn’t know. So, that’s the main reason for us being naked here in first place, I guess, for better heat conduction...”. I joked. Spencer chuckled.

“It’s a positive externality from our last night activities. We can say it in that way”. Spencer kissed my shoulder.

“Good to know. Are you hungry? I can make breakfast…”. I offered.

“Not really but coffee could be a good idea. Although that means we need to go out of bed and right now I don’t want to”. He said pressing me more against his body.

“Neither do I to be honest. Just hope we don’t be called for a case today...”. I lifted my head a little and kissed his jaw.

“Hope so too. But we always have the _‘resignation letter’_ option...”. Spencer joked.

“Ha-ha. Very funny Spencer Reid, especially coming from you, Mr. _job-is-everything-to-me_ ”

“Hey! When I said that?”. Spencer protested. I didn’t know if he was serious about that.

“You don’t need to. Your acts speak louder that your words in that specific topic.” I declared.

“That’s not true...”. Really? He was _denying the obvious_?

“I'm lying?... well, let’s see. When was the last time you took days off? For vacations purposes”. I asked him defiantly.

“Uhm... I took days off to see my mom two months ago...”

“Spencer, were 2 days and you barely made it outside the sanatorium. And, of course you were worried about your mom’s new medication. I know it was an important thing but doesn’t count like vacation or free time”.

“I like my job, what can I say…”. He pointed out kissing my forehead.

“Me too... but sometimes we need a break…”

“Okay, I get the point. But what about you? When was the last time you had time off work?”. I thought for a second before answering.

“Last year?... May?”. Spencer snorted.

“(Y/N)... that was after Curtis’ case. You had a broken arm…”

“But I _stayed home_ ”. I defended myself.

“Barely one week…”

“Okay, okay. You’re right. I’m not the better example of vacations or time off too. But we can improve on that. We can expend more time on pleasure things... we can do that, right?”

“Sure we can...”. Spencer agreed tucking with his fingers a strand of hair behind my ear.

“We can start _right now_...,” I told him cheekily plastering a kiss in his chest.

“Uhm... I was thinking the same...”. He hugged me tightly, drawing me to his body and covering us with the comforter and sheets up over our heads. Under the sheets he started to kiss me and roam my whole body with his hands. I couldn't help but giggle and moan under his touch. This would be a good way to start the day…

... And boy it was a good way to start that day. After our morning sex, I got up, put on the shirt Spencer had discarded the night before and headed to the kitchen. It was time for breakfast. I made coffee and pancakes. Spencer peeked into the kitchen as I was removing the last of the pancakes from the pan.

“It smells delicious”. He pointed as he buttoned up his pants and walked over to where I was, barefoot and shirtless.

“I’m not the best cook in the world but I think pancakes can be one of the best things I know how to cook”. At least it was one of my culinary achievements I was proud of.

“And have you denied me the pleasure of eating your pancakes all these years?”. Spencer asked pretending to be offended. I laughed shaking my head.

“Reserved only for those who _stay the night_ and _have sex with me in the morning_ …”. I solemnly declared, as if it were a law written over stone.

“Lucky me!”. Spencer exclaimed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissing to the base of my neck. Turning off the oven, I spun to look at him. “What?,” he asked.

“You're so cute and sexy, doctor...”. I replied aiming my eyes at his face and his bare chest. He laughed and stolen a kiss from my lips.

“Just for you ma’am... just for you”.

We were in the middle of our breakfast when Spencer put his fork down and looked at me seriously. I looked at him strangely, but without stopping eating.

“Shall we tell them something?”. Yes, it was a reasonable thing to ask. Still eating, I pondered my answer for a few seconds before sharing it with him.

“I think that's not necessary. They must already know... or at least they suspect it”.

“Know? Who?,” he asked frowning.

“Hotch and JJ. It’s evident to me that they know,” I replied with a shrug.

“Why? Did they tell you something?”. Spencer asked.

“Something like that. Well, JJ saw us coming out of the police station's bathroom in Phoenix.” Spencer nearly choked on the coffee he was drinking.

“What?!, (Y/N), you didn't tell me any of that. What did she say?!”. This time I put the fork on the plate before speaking.

“They are worried. And I don't blame them, a relationship at work is always complex...,” I explained.

“I think that could be a Hotch’s concern, but JJ?...”

“They just want to protect you...”. I didn’t want to go into details, so I only alluded to the fundamental conclusion.

“You keep talking in the plural and only about me”. Spencer pointed out.

“Well… because I really think everyone in the team would think similar in this matter...”. I resumed my pancakes eating.

“(Y/N)... stop beating around the bush and tell me at once what JJ told you,” Spencer demanded. I stopped eating again letting out a huff.

“Okay. She doesn’t want to see you suffer again.” I told. Spencer frowned.

“Just that?”

“Spencer, look. I'm not going to repeat what she told me word by word, because who should feel _‘offended’_ would be me. She is really worried about you. She is afraid I could hurt you. That if things don't work out, you could break again. And that it was basically my job to prevent it from happening.” Spencer shook his head in disagreement.

“What did you answer her?”

“That she should talk about it with you and not with me. That you were an adult. Although I honestly don't know when they will start _treating you like one_...,” I complained.

“I'll talk to her. She cannot assume things about our life in that way. And she has not right to corner you like that either…”. I could see Spencer was some kind pissed.

“Spencer, it’s not necessary. I understand her, really. She is your friend and if she sees that you are in a relationship with someone like me, all her concerns come to the surface. I get it”.

“ _’Someone like you’_? Why do you say it as if you were some kind of men-predator or dangerous woman?”

“Maybe I am...”. I said laughing and winking at him.

“(Y/N)...”. Spencer scolded me.

“Hey!, I'm kidding. Don't take it so seriously. Really, I don't think you should be worried by this”. I assured him.

“Okay, if you say so, that's fine. I just want you to know one thing. _I want this_. I like you. And it's my decision too,” he assured me by looking me straight in the eye.

“I know, Spencer. And I want this too”. I took his hand across the table and smiled to him.

“Good… and by the way, this pancakes _are gold_.”

What can I say? Spencer made me felt on the clouds. As if I were a teenager again. Between the glances in the conference room or on the jet and the furtive kisses in the BAU’s kitchen or filing room, many times I thought I was going to combust thanks to Spencer Reid. There _wasn’t label for us_ , but just accepting we felt something for each other and we both wanted be together was enough to take us to the heights.

We tried to be discreet. We didn't want to have the rest of the team on us asking questions we couldn't answer. It was an agreement to handle it like that. Although sometimes it was difficult to keep the distance being both in the same place.

And though the team’s questions didn’t come, the looks of some of them did. Hotch and JJ constantly had their attention captured on us when for whatever reason Spencer approached me or I to him. I could feel JJ's eyes when we were laughing about something or talking for more than a few minutes. I seriously understood her concern, but the excessive attention was starting to _bother me_.

One night in a case in Detroit, Spencer sneaked out of his shared room with Morgan and came knocking on my door. This time I was not sharing a room with anyone. I immediately pulled him into the room, closing the door and trapping him against it. Our lips melted in each other appeasing the need for days without touching.

“Hello,” I muttered in his lips.

“Hi,” he mumbled alternating kisses between my lips and that sweet spot in my neck.

“Did you miss me, doctor?,” I teased roaming his chest with my hands.

“So much. Did you miss me too?,” he asked with his hands on my hips griping tighter.

“Yes. I missed you so much,” I replied playing with his tie. “Are we going to do it here?,” I questioned.

“If you want to. Just I need to come back to my room soon... Morgan is still awake,” Spencer said taking the hem of my shirt between his fingers.

“Not enough time...,” I complained.

“But (Y/N), I... jeez…,” He tried to negotiate, but my lips on his jaw were too distracting.

“No, no, no... I'm not up for a _quickie_... I need more... you know that”

“Okay, okay... I'll make up for you when we come back…”. Suddenly two knocks on the door made us jump and quickly split up.

“(Y/N)?, are you there?,” JJ asked from the other side of the door.

“Is that JJ?...,” Spencer whispered worried. I looked at him with equal confusion in my eyes.

“Yeah. I'm coming!. Wait a minute!...”. I stared Spencer and whispered to him. “Okay... go to the bathroom. Wait there...”. He locked himself in the bathroom and I went back to the entrance of the room to open the door.

“I'm sorry, I was in the bathroom... what's up JJ?,” I tried to act as natural as possible.

“Sorry (Y/N), I was looking for Spence, did you see him?,” She asked subtly looking inside my room.

“Spencer?... no, since dinner I guess. Something happened? You look concern…”

“No, no. I just want to talk to him. But it's okay. I'm going to text him…”

“Okay.”

JJ was about to leave when a loud noise came from my bathroom. JJ immediately looked at me. I couldn't think of any reasonable lie to tell at the time. Without saying a word, we both knew that the noise from the bathroom had been caused by Spencer.

“That's...?,” JJ was going to ask when I interrupted her.

“Yeah. Do you need to talk to him?... I could tell him now...,” I replied embarrassed but without any other option. She took pity on me, in part.

“No, no. It's okay. I’ll talk to him later. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt you…”

“No problem”

“Good night (Y/N)”

“Good night JJ”

When I closed the door I let out an annoyed grunt and sat on the edge of the bed. I didn't like lying, but even less I didn't like being caught in a lie. Spencer opened the bathroom door and poked his head out to see if JJ was gone. Seeing the closed room door, he came out of the bathroom and looked at me with eyes full of guilt.

“Sorry, I dropped the glass with your toothbrush in it... JJ ...?...”

“Yes, she knew immediately it was you. And I couldn't keep lying to her. She said she wanted to talk to you, that it wasn't urgent and that she would locate you later...,” I said, summarizing the conversation with JJ without even looking at him.

“(Y/N), I'm sorry. I didn't want to put you in a situation like this...”. He knelt in front of me and took my hands. “We have to talk to Hotch first. It's time.” I looked at him and squeezed his hands.

“Are you sure? Are you comfortable letting the whole team know?,” I asked doubtful.

“I'd rather let them know than have to lie to them and both of us feeling uncomfortable with it, don't you think?”

“Yes, you´re right… we need to tell them”. He was right, hiding or lying would be worse in the long run.

“Good. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm just mad at myself for this... but it's okay.”

“Hey, don't be. You should be mad at me for my clumsiness,” Spencer smirked, getting up and sitting next to me on the edge of the bed. I grinned and clung to his torso with my arms. He hugged me tight and kissed my forehead.

When we came back of Denver’s case that Friday’s afternoon we went directly to Hotch’s office. Spencer knocked the door twice and we heard a ‘come in’.

We both stepped inside. So anxiously like if we were in the principal’s office for a reprimand after a mess. Hotch looked us and frowned. I started speaking.

“Sir, we need to talk to you if you have some minutes”. Hotch leaned his back on the chair folding his hands on the desk.

“Yes. I have some minutes. I guess it’s important since you didn’t wait until Monday”

“Yes. It’s important,” Spencer assured.

“Okay. What is it about?”

“Well, you know we… (Y/N) and I… we have a pretty _close friendship_ for a long time...,” Spencer began to explain.

“Yes, despite almost ignoring each other for years we started to get along...,” I complemented.

“And for both of us it has been a major change in these months...,” Spencer added.

“And things have been evolving. Almost without realizing it. And, well, I think we've already crossed the friendship barrier...,” I said playing with my fingers.

“We _actually crossed it_ ,” Spencer clarified.

“The point is… now... now we’re in a romantic relationship with Spencer...,” I blurted out.

“And we want to make it transparent because we don't want to lie to you or be hiding from the rest of the team,” Spencer said instinctively brushing my hand with his.

“Although we don't know what repercussions does this have on our job at the BAU or the FBI...,” I added with concern.

And then, an awkward silence. Hotch kept pondering our speech for some minutes. Eternal minutes for Spencer and me. I could feel my hands sweat. I wanted to hold Spencer’s hand who I knew was as or more nervous than me, but it would have been somewhat inappropriate considering the same thing we were discussing at the time: boundaries at work.

“Will this _'romantic relationship'_ have repercussions on your jobs?”. Hotch asked with concern.

“No sir. We tried to be discreet at this point and separate our personal life from work. And we want to continue doing the same from now on,” Spencer stated. Hotch nodded.

“Well, at least I could say you both tried to be discreet, although not enough for me, I have to be honest,” Hotch pointed out with his usual serious tone although you could notice a hint of a smile on his face.

“At least we tried, Sir. You´re too good at your job for our own good,” I replied with a shrug.

“There are a few things I must make clear to you now, considering this is an official conversation.” We both nodded. “I can't ignore the fact I know you both for years and I’ve seen what your work and commitment to the BAU is like. In that aspect, although it seems to me that a romantic relationship is part of your private life, I don’t want your judgments in the development of your job to be affected by it. This implies if any situation arises where this could affect your work, you should inform me immediately and step aside so as not to compromise the team's work. Understood?”

“Yes Sir. Thank you,” Spencer replied.

“How do you want to handle this with the rest of the team? I understand that some already have their suspicions...,” Hotch asked.

“Yes, we know. We would like to inform the rest ourselves, but personally and gradually, if you agree.” I replied.

“That’s your decision. I will not say anything officially, but I will not deny the facts either. It’s your responsibility to make it known and choose the mechanism for it.” Hotch stated.

“Yes sir. We understand,” we both said at the same time.

“Good. Now, speaking personally and not as your boss, I’m glad to see you both happy, I think it’s an important change for both of you. But don’t forget this job is difficult and challenging for any relationship.”

“Thanks Hotch. We appreciate it.” Spencer told Hotch.

A sense of relief came for both of us after talking to Hotch. It was like freeing your shoulders from a great weight. When we got to my place we both arrived laughing and chatting animatedly.

“Okay. That turned out better than I expected.” I said tossing my go-bag to the floor and shooting my shoes wherever in the room.

“Yes. Although I confess I was nervous,” Spencer closed the door and put his bag next to mine. I went straight to the kitchen to get two bottles of water from the fridge. He followed me and took the bottle I handed him.

“Me too. It's hard not to be nervous if Hotch looks at you like that...,” I pointed out as I opened the bottle and took a couple of sips. Spencer did the same and then put his bottle on the counter.

“I know...,” he replied wrapping his arms around my waist and buried his nose on my neck, placing soft kisses on my skin.

“Uhm...”. Spencer knew perfectly well there was my sweet spot. I couldn't help but let out a pleasant sigh at the sensation of his lips on me.

“What?”. He asked in a whisper.

“You know what. I like that...,” I hummed in bliss.

“You do?... good, because I want to give you more of these kisses. I heard someone to say _she needed more time for this_. I guess we have plenty of time now...,” he teased.

“Spencer…,” I moaned arching my head back to give him better access.

“Yes, sweetheart?,” he asked roaming my body with his large hands. Lips latched around my neck.

“I want you now, please...”. Spencer chuckled now kissing my lips hungrily.

Okay people, let me be honest. Sex with Spencer is one of the amazing things I never thought to experience. And I'm not talking about him being an expert male in the field, but his ascending learning curve, his constant desire to please his partner, his interest in trying new things and his obvious physical attributes, make every sex encounter a real pleasure.

This time we did it in the kitchen counter and dining room table. God, my legs were still shaking when Spencer had me on the bed kissing me eagerly and pressing his new erection against my body.

“Are you kidding?,” I asked giggling in disbelieve.

“If you want me to stop it's fine...,” he slow down his enthusiasm looking my eyes for some signal.

“Spencer, you're hard again. I'm not leaving you like this.”

“If you're going to do it just for me, that's not the idea. We can stop, really…,” he said kissing my forehead.

“No, I don’t want to stop and it’s not a altruist decision, trust me. It’s just I didn’t know you were this _horny_ type,” I chuckled touching his erection to convince myself.

“What? The _nerd_ and _shy guy_ can’t be the horny one?...,” Spencer protested gasping at the feeling of my hand touching him.

“Oh baby, you can be as horny as you want with me. Don’t get me wrong, you are doing an amazing job here, you know? Thinking of the guys I slept with I don’t remember being this satisfied before...”

“I'm a good learner...,” he replied resuming his kissing path on my body.

“Yes, you are. Now, lay on your back baby, I’m going to make you feel good…”. After that, giggles and moans filled the room.

A while after, we were lying on the bed, breathing heavily and staring at the ceiling after our third orgasm. Both of us tired but happy. Then we took a refreshing shower and had a quick dinner to went back to bed, this time to sleep. Now we had to satisfy the need for the hours of sleep lost in the last case.

We fell asleep almost immediately. Surrendered to what should have been a peaceful night' sleep. But of course, things do not always turn out as one expects. During the early morning the ringing of Spencer's phone woke us up with a start. I could barely open my eyes and see that the clock read 2:30 am. Spencer stretched his arm toward the nightstand to reach for the phone. Still asleep, he answered. At the same time that Spencer was talking to who appeared to be Hotch, my phone started ringing as well: Penelope Garcia. That only meant one thing: a new case.

When we got to the bullpen, everyone was waiting with a coffee in hand and a sleepy face. Hotch announced we would review the case in the conference room. Cruz was there too, which made me think it was something important.

By presenting the case, everyone's sleepiness dissipated and we started to work. The destination would be Briscoe, Texas. When we arrived at the Briscoe’s police station, the first thing that caught my attention was the excessive kindness of the police force to us. In other words, there are few times the local police receive us with their arms wide open. But hey, we all assumed it was a way of wanting to help and resolve the case quickly.

The clues to the murders led us first to a sadomasochist and then to the local preacher, who turned out to be the town's ultimate supplier of prostitution. As they say out there, ‘ _small town big hell’_.

Despite the ‘evidence’ pointed to the preacher, the profile didn’t. Which was doubtful. The conclusion was they wanted to frame him for the murders. After hours of searching, we found him at a local restaurant. Hotch sent Morgan, Blake, Spencer, JJ and me to talk to him and convince him that we knew he was being framed.

“And…?,” I asked Spencer who was repeatedly dialing his phone calling the preacher. We were the SUV back seat.

“He doesn't answer,” Spencer replied in frustration.

“Keep trying Reid, we're almost there,” Morgan commanded. Spencer was frowning and looking uneasy. I stared at him trying to figure out why he looked so agitated. He shook his head as a signal of _‘everything is okay’_ and subtly took my hand.

When we got to the place we realized the preacher had other plans, hiding in the restaurant and armed, he didn’t want to surrender. We were about to start the procedure to open a communication line when the first shot was heard, which hit the police chief directly. Hence pure confusion. An exchange started between the preacher and us. Several policemen fell and none of them was able to hit the man who was shooting from inside the restaurant. Suddenly I heard Spencer yell _‘Blake!’_ And then more shots. _Fuck, what's going on?_. Another scream: _‘Reid!’_ , Morgan's voice. I tried to get closer to where they were but the crossfire didn’t allow me to move. I took advantage of a second when I didn't see any bullets crossing my direction and ran to Blake. Spencer on the ground, leaning against one of the cars, hurt.

“Help! Over here... we need a medic!,” Blake yelled.

“Alex?!,” I exclaimed in shock.

“(Y/N)! Wait!,” Morgan yelled at me when he saw the shots going our direction.

“What?!... Alex, what happened?!,” I saw Spencer with his eyes half open, almost fainting.

“We need to go to the hospital. Spencer were shot,” Blake said searching the exact wound location.

“Fuck… what can I do?,” I asked without knowing how to react.

“(Y/N)!, the preacher is on the run, c’mon!,” Morgan shout. Although I didn't want to, I had to help Morgan hunt down the fugitive.

“Alex… please, look after him,” I begged her. She nodded.

I ran wildly after Morgan in pursuit of the preacher. As he entered, he shot at Morgan's chest, protected with his bulletproof vest. Derek fell to the ground, I tried to cover him by shooting in the direction of the preacher.

'Morgan! Morgan!' I screamed loudly. When he responded he got up again and we started running after the fugitive. We managed to corner him in a shed, and even though he knew he was surrounded, he kept shooting at us.

Three shots from me and the preacher finally fell to the ground. After all the mess he caused, I don't know if another ending would have been possible for him. With Morgan we left the place quickly towards the patrols and the ambulance that had arrived. JJ and Blake stopped us. I could see the paramedics getting Spencer into the ambulance. We all shared the same worried face.

“Morgan, you should go in the ambulance so they can see your arm. With Blake and (Y/N) we will go in the SUV behind you,” said JJ. Morgan agreed.

We got to the hospital and Reid was immediately put into surgery. JJ, Blake and me were in the waiting room. Blake recounted what happened, stating her guilt. With JJ we tried to convince Blake it was not her fault, that others were the responsible and they had to pay.

“I know... but he's so young...,” Blake sighed.

“Yes, we know. And for that, he has many things to live for. Did you know he wants to be a dad? Can you imagine Spencer being a dad?,” JJ said, giving Alex a comforting smile.

“They would be the luckiest kid in the world,” Blake pointed out with a half smile. They both looked at me but I didn't say anything. I just made a face trying to agree, but couldn't really think of anything. I was shocked and worried. I moved from the spot a few meters to look out the window avoiding JJ and Blake’s gaze. This was a real nightmare.

Penelope and Cruz arrived at the hospital. At that time we were informed Morgan could receive visitors. With Blake we decided to wait there. The rest moved to see and talk with Morgan.

There was no use for me pacing back and forth in the waiting room. On the opposite, it didn't calm my nerves or contribute to Blake's nerves. My face ached from scowling all the time. My clenched fists made my nails dig into my palms. The pain didn't get me out of worry or helplessness either. At one point I had to get out of there. I needed air.

Once outside, the hot breeze hit me in the face. I started pacing, repeatedly running my hands through my hair. I tried to sit on one of the benches that were there, I couldn't stand sitting either. I got up again and walked. _'Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!'_ I cursed under my breath _punching the wall_ in front of me with one of my fists. The punch was hard, I didn’t feel pain, but I could see how a line of blood began to run down one of my knuckles where the skin had been shattered. At least some of my pent-up rage was able to empty, which allowed me to return to the waiting room. Alex lifted her eyes to see me immediately. She noted my hand.

“That must have hurt,” Alex pointed out pointing to my bloody knuckles. “I think now that you mention it... yeah, it hurts a bit.” Alex nodded and got up from her chair on the way to the nursing station. Seeing my confused face, she explained.

“We are in a hospital, you are not going to keep that hand like that. Give me a minute”.

I felt like a _little kid_. I surrendered to a visceral reaction I couldn't control. But Alex didn't scolding me. Instead, she thought logically. _Logic_ , something I was clearly lacking at the time.

When Blake returned, she brought some alcohol gazes and a bandage. She sat down next to me and gestured me to show her my hand. With the gauze she started to clean the wound. It burned a little, but the pain was muffled by the rage that ran through my body.

“Thanks Alex,” I muttered.

“It's okay. It’s completely valid that you’re upset (Y/N). And I'm really sorry this is happening. Spencer isn't the one who should be in surgery right now...”

“It's not your fault Alex. Here the guilty ones are others. And we have to catch them, for Spencer and all the innocent people who have died in this town.” Alex nodded as she continued to clean the wound.

“It doesn't look dislocated, it's a good sign. You just need a clean-up and bandage”. After cleaning the blood and dust from the wall mixed in after the blow, she took the bandage and wrapped it around my knuckles, fixing it with a knot.

“How long?,” Asked Blake from one moment to the next, in her usual calm tone.

“Ah?,” I looked at her confused.

“You and Reid. _How long have you been together_?”. It took me by surprise, not because I didn't think she might have noticed but because I didn't expect her to ask me directly.

“Is it so obvious...?,” I asked, shaking my head.

“Yeah. Let's just say it hasn't gone unnoticed,” Blake replied.

“The price of working with profilers... anyway. Well... with Spencer we've been together since March, 4 months now. What gave me away?,” Alex smiled.

“They are always small details (Y/N). You know that. But right now? The way you're holding back in front of everyone from screaming and crying, not wanting to show yourself vulnerable. You don't want to show beyond the concern that we all have”. I let out a frustrated huff.

“I'm upset Alex. I’m furious. I can't do anything at this minute. I should be after the responsible who started all this, but I can't. My head is elsewhere. I can't think straight,” I complained.

“I believe you. I really do. I can only tell you that no one should judge you for it...,” Blake tried to comfort me.

“I’m a mess Alex. Spencer is the most important person in my life right now. I can't lose him. I don't know what can I do... I need to be useful for him,” some treacherous tears leaked from my eyes.

“Let's trust in his youth. And in the idea he also wants come back to you. I'm sure that's reason enough for not let go himself,” she told me gently patting my shoulder.

“Do you think so?. Can I be a reason for him?...”. My voice was small, unsure, full of doubts.

“I do, (Y/N). Those looks. His eyes are of pure adoration towards you. When you speak it’s almost inevitable to notice how those eyes glow, how his body gravitates near you immediately when you enter the room. Clearly you've known him for more years than I have, but the body language doesn't lie”. I let out a shy smile at the thought of those details. Blake looked at me knowing what I was thinking.

“Alex, I think… I’m in love with him. And admitting that make me panic, especially now that I could lose him...,” suddenly I blurted out. Alex looked at me empathically.

“Our lives are full of losses (Y/N), you know it. I know it too. Feelings are not worth hiding when you know that life is so fragile”. Blake stated.

“But I don't want to scare or overwhelm him. After what happened with Maeve, he told me he didn’t know if he would ever love again. I don't want to put that burden on his shoulders. I don’t want he feels obligated to something he don't...”

“Spencer is a sweet young man who has lot of love to give. He may not feel ready, but I'm sure he is falling again, and even more intensely. And I could tell you're that person he is falling”

Would Alex be right? Every time I thought about it, I was more certain of my feelings, but it wasn't fair to Spencer. I would have liked to think that we would have all the time in the world to fall in love but in that minute I was terrified I might not even have a chance to tell him. When Morgan was discharged, everyone came to the waiting room to hear from Spencer. But still nothing happened. Since the case was still active and the evidence made the scene more complex, the team decided to return to the police station. Only Garcia and I were able to stay in the hospital waiting.

Almost another hour of tense wait until the surgeon came to speak with us. Spencer was alive and in recovery. They managed to extract the bullet and the wound was only inches from a major artery. He was lucky.

A deep sigh of relief rose from my chest. Tears began to fall only from the release of the stress accumulated up to that moment.

García looked at me and smiled. Then she picked up the phone and started calling the team.

Watching him sleep in the hospital bed made my heart clench. He looked so vulnerable. I sat down in the chair next to the bed. Garcia with his computer in another chair near the window. We were silent most of the time before he woke up. I closed my eyes to rest for a moment. I think I dozed a bit until Garcia exclaimed: "look who just woke up!" Spencer's half-open eyes were fixed on me.

“Hey…,” he mumbled.

“Hey… sleeping beauty. At last you deigned to open your eyes,” I joked giving him a smile.

“I told (Y/N) you were going to wake up soon and that you would be fine. But she has not wanted to move from your side,” Garcia protested.

“You should be with the team. They need you. I'll be fine…”

“Don't tell me what to do Reid, if not this time I’ll shoot you...”. Spencer snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Okay, since you woke up, I'll go get the nurse and something for you to eat.” Garcia announced before leaving the room. When she left, Spencer darted his eyes on me again.

“Really, you should go with them. This seems bigger than we think,” he said concerned.

“Yeah, I suspected that too… but I couldn’t… I was a really mess Spencer. I was so worried. My head has been in another place all these hours, I have not been of much help. God, Spencer... you almost scared me to death,” I confessed, with some tears threatening to escape from the corner of my eyes.

“I’m sorry…,” he muttered reaching out his hand to take mine. There he noticed the bandage on my knuckles. “What happened? Are you okay?”.

“Yeah, I'm fine. Just a fit of anger a few hours ago...,” I replied embarrassed. He took my hand and brought it to his lips, putting a tender kiss on it.

“I'm sorry I put you through this. But I'm fine now and the team needs you to solve this case so we can go home.”

“Spencer… I…”. I wanted to tell him. I would have yelled it at the entire hospital if necessary, but I recoiled again.

“Here we have! Juice, something I don't know what it is... and Jell-O!”. Garcia chanted back in the room with a tray she placed on the table in front of Spencer”

“Jell-O... my favorite…”

“That's right Boy Wonder. Did you come to an agreement with (Y/N)?,” she asked.

“I'm still trying to convince her to go with the team. I'll be fine. García will stay here”. Garcia nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll stay. Go to catch the bad guys (Y/N)!,” Penelope said.

“Okay, okay. I go. Garcia, call us anything, please…”.

“Of course darling”

Before I left I walked over to Spencer and gave him a deep kiss on his lips. I knew Garcia was there and maybe Spencer would have to give some explanations after, but I didn't care. He smiled as he kissed me back. When I parted he looked at me with those beautiful honey eyes and mouthed _'now, go!'._

\- / - / - / - / -

After the incident where I ended up being shot in the neck, things were a bit confusing. The case ended up being a hunt for corrupt police officers. They even tried to kill me while I was in the hospital! Luckily Garcia was with me and she saved my life by firing a shot at my attacker. All too bizarre, to be honest.

When we got back to DC, Blake wanted to bring me home because (Y/N) had to go to her apartment. Alex knew about us with (Y/N). She told Blake while I was in surgery.

I felt something odd in Blake. She was quiet as always but her eyes and mind darting in another place. (Y/N) told me how bad she felt about me being in the hospital but I could tell there something more bother her. I didn’t know what was until we had a small talk in my apartment.

“Thanks for bringing me.” I thanked her as I put the key in the lock to open the door.

“No problem. It's the least I could do.” She replied by walking into the apartment with my satchel hanging on her shoulder.

“Alex, we already talked about that...”. I closed the door and stood in the living room with my hands in my pockets.

“I know. But I wanted to. Where do I leave this?,” she asked, alluding to my satchel.

“In the couch it’s fine. Thanks.”

Silence filled the room. I had a question for Alex but I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to say it. Curiosity took the best of me. “Alex?”

“Yes?,” she replied looking at me.

“I need to ask you something... eh… who is Ethan?”. Alex flinched a little.

I could see how her face changed. Nostalgia and pain. I understood everything when she told me that Ethan was her death son and what his story had been.

“I’m sorry...,” I mumbled.

“It’s okay, I tried to give him the best life I could. And all the love I had in me. You know?, he would have been like you. I guess you remind me a lot of him…”

“Yeah?”. I asked shyly.

“Yes. And maybe that's why I think… like him, you have so much to give, Spencer. In that good heart of yours there is a lot of love. Don't keep it to yourself. Share it with the rest. I know your life has not been easy, but you’re so young… don’t deny yourself the chance to being happy. Love and learn with the intensity that your heart drives you. There are times when it’s better to listen to the heart than to the mind. Think about it. You are surrounded by people who care a lot about you, by people who love you, by people who are willing to give you their whole heart. That’s a gift and you deserve it”. She said smiling.

“ _’Give me their whole heart_ ’?,” I asked back.

“Is it hard for you to believe that? I could give you a particular name, but you already know it”. She grinned and sighed before continuing. “ _Youthful love_ is so contagious. The looks you share, the smiles in the jet. All those little details... are _evidence_ , you know?”. She explained to me.

“Evidence?”. I narrowed my eyes trying to understand.

“Yeah. Evidence of love. And you may have doubts now. It's fine. But you'll find out. Your heart already knows, you just need to convince that big brain of yours.”

“Do you think she...?”

“My better guess says _‘yes’_ but sure she has doubts like you. But who doesn’t?,” she said with a shrug. “Well, I think it's better I leave now. You need to rest”

Then I knew. In her words and in her voice before she left. She was saying goodbye forever. Alex wasn't coming back. As if I needed some other confirmation, after I closed the door and looking through my bag I found her badge.

I could see her in the street from my window until she took a taxi. I kept looking through the window, lost in thoughts. So immersed that I didn’t realize when (Y/N) knocked the door. When I opened my mind was in somewhere else and she noticed.

“Are you okay?,” I shook my head barely looking her. “Spencer, what happened?,” she asked worried stepping inside the apartment and closing the door.

“Alex won’t come back. She left, forever”. I clung my arms around her waist and buried my head in the crook of her neck. I sniffled a bit.

“Oh. Spencer... I didn’t know. I’m sorry...,” she replied by tracing circles on my back with her fingers

“She didn’t say it but I knew. Now I don’t know how to feel about this...”

“Baby, it’s okay. Sure she has her reasons.” (Y/N) tried to comfort me.

“I hope isn’t my fault. Maybe I needed to say something...,” I slipped out. She grabbed my head with both hands and made me look her straight in the eyes.

“Of course it’s not your fault. She worried a lot for you but she was struggling for others reasons too. Spencer, please, don’t think it’s your fault”. I nodded and (Y/N) dried with her thumbs the rolling tears on my cheeks.

“Is it about this job?, always is because this job. Sometimes it’s too much. I know, in stressful jobs there are 45% more chances to quit them before the age it supposed to do it. This chances rise to 60% when you face particular traumas doing your job...,” I started to ramble. (Y/N) looked at me with a half-smile.

“Maybe in some point you just need to say _‘it’s enough’_...,” she pointed out.

“I’m going to miss her...”. I sighed.

“I know. Me too”

“You think someday I’ll feel like that?... or you?... so overwhelmed that we’ll have to quit...”

“It’s possible. I don’t know. Nothing is forever… we know that”

“Yeah...”

“Okay, but don’t think about that now. You were discharged from hospital just a few hours ago. You need to rest. C’mon, why you go to lay down for a while?. I’m going to make some dinner for us, okay?”. (Y/N) offered.

“I can help you to make dinner...”. She shook her head in disagreement.

“No. You need to rest. Remember what doctor said. At least a couple of days...”

“Taking things slow...”. I repeated doctor’s words pouting.

“Exactly”. She kissed my cheek before dispatching me to the bedroom.

I laid in my bed and dozed off in matter of minutes hearing the sound of (Y/N) in the kitchen. I woke up with an intense smell of chicken soup. I stood up and walked to the dining room. (Y/N) settled a couple of bowls with soup and some grilled vegetables in a plate. She saw me and smiled.

“I was about to wake you up. Dinner is ready”

“ _Thank you_ ,” I replied sitting and still groggy for waking up recently. We started to eat. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until the soup were gone from my bowl. I could see (Y/N) staring me in awe. I looked her with quizzing eyes.

“Nothing. I like see you eating with such appetite. I knew you were hungry”. I smiled recognizing she was right.

“You always taking care of me. Sometimes I feel like a little child...,” I complained.

“No. Don’t say that. You’re not a child. But you deserve to be spoiled sometimes. And if I can do that I'm more than willing”. I know I was biased for Blake’s words but I couldn’t ignore the lovesick gaze (Y/N) had.

When both finished our meal, I stood up and take one (Y/N)’s hands to help her to stood up too. Now she looked me confused.

“Come here...,” I said pulling her body to me. Face to face. I cupped her cheeks on my hands and looked her in the eyes.

“(Y/N), I just need to say you’re so important to me. I want you to remember that. Maybe I can’t say the words I need to but, please, don’t ever think I don’t care about us. _I want us_ and I’m sorry for scared you this time. I’ll be more careful the next time”. Said so, I leaned to kiss her. I needed to let her know how sorry I was for gave her a hard time with all this mess. She reciprocated the kiss, humming and running her fingers into my hair. My hands in her waist. We slightly parted for air.

“Yeah. You almost killed me of worry. But I’m happy you’re okay now. She kissed me this time. I reciprocated with more intensity. I could stay on her lips forever.

“Can we continue this in bedroom...?” I asked in a whisper and smirking.

“Of course not doctor, you’re not allowed to enjoy this kind of mundane pleasures yet”.

“Argh! At least could you stay with me tonight?,” I begged.

“Yeah. I could do that and I will if you ask me to”.

I back to work 3 days after all the incidents. (Y/N) constantly came to my place or called me to check on me and if I needed anything. She felt guilty for not staying at the hospital in Texas with me and because Penelope had to fire a gun to protect me. She said it wasn't fair for Garcia had to do something like that if the rest of the team could do it.

Everyone had noticed Blake absence the first day. Hotch told the team the news: she left the BAU for full teaching. The new search started and a lot of candidates rounded Hotch’s office for interviews. Finally a name came out: Kate Callahan. She worked as an agent for the FBI's Sex Crimes Unit for almost eight years. We knew her in some crossed cases with her former unit. She was quick to adapt to work and established a cordial relationship with everyone. Even (Y/N), despite missing Alex as much as I did, confessed to me it could be a good change to the team.

For me, some weeks passed before I went to my last appointment to be completely discharged for my neck injury. A not very nice scar stated in the spot. One more for the collection.

Precisely, one night we were in bed with (Y/N), naked after some _physical activities_ , telling stories about the scars we could scan in each other body. Not so happy topic but was part of us and it felt right sharing this kind of intimacy between us.

“And this one?”. I asked pointed her left bicep.

“This was left after my first case in the field. You remember it? The killer Prentiss caught in the basement?. The bastard managed to cut me with the knife before Emily threw him to the floor with a gunshot”.

“Yeah. I remember. Good way to start in the BAU, huh? I didn't know that had left a scar on you,” I said kissing her shoulder.

“And what do you have here?,” She asked pointing my right forearm.

“This is a child's scar. My mom never really told me what happened. But I think I stumbled and fell playing and that scar remained. What about this one?,” I asked gently touching the right side of her abdomen.

“I've had it for as long as I can remember. My mom once told me when I started walking I fell sideways on the end of a piece of furniture and cut myself”. As I pointed her mark (Y/N), she saw the elbow pit in my right arm, discolored by the needle marks of years ago. She didn't ask but I knew she had noticed.

“These are from... well, you know, the needles... when I used.” I mumbled some embarrassed. She took my arm and brought her lips close, kissing the scars formed in that spot.

“You have to be proud of what you accomplished, Spencer. It's hard to come out of the dark alone. And I could bet you did it almost alone”. (Y/N) stated.

“The team helped...,” I corrected.

“I don’t have doubts of it. But it was on you. And I'm happy you made it”.

“Thank you, (Y/N). I appreciate it”. I replied tucking a few traces of hair behind her left ear. There I noticed another scar on her forehead. “What about this one?,” I asked pointing a line on her forehead, almost where her hair started. (Y/N) suddenly tensed.

“Um… this is… from when I was in college. I stumbled and fall in the bathroom, I cut myself on the edge of the shower door,” she told me.

“Oh. That could had be serious, did you lose consciousness?,” I inquired. (Y/N) frowned and made an uncomfortable face.

“The cut was not serious. Just some stitches...”. (Y/N) tried to discard the topic avoiding my last question and pointed to the scar of my knee. “This one? When you were shot?”. I didn’t know why the change of demeanor but I didn’t want to push her.

“Yeah. Do you remember when I was in the grass trying to persuade the unsub? I didn’t know where that confidence came from...”

Looking at (Y/N) I realized she was not listening to what I was saying. In fact her gaze and her mind were elsewhere. “(Y/N)? Are you okay?”. She knew her distraction did not go unnoticed by me.

“Uhm? Yeah. Sorry, I zoned out...”

“Everything is alright?”. The expressions in her face started to worry me.

“Yes. Yeah. Ahm, just I need to go to the bathroom,” she blurted out. (Y/N) quickly got out of bed dressing in my shirt that was discarded on the floor and heading to the bathroom in a matter of seconds.

I stayed in bed waiting for her return. But the minutes passed and there was no sign of (Y/N). Until I started hearing sobs coming from the bathroom. That alarmed me immediately. I got up putting on my boxers. Then I went to the bathroom to see what happened to her. First I knocked on the door and asked if she was okay. There was no answer. I slowly opened the door and saw (Y/N) sitting on the floor, with her back against the wall, hugging her knees and hiding her head between her legs and arms.

“Hey!, what happened?”. I was quick to ask, kneeling in front of her.

“No, please Spencer. Don’t ask me, please...,” her sobs were loud and broke my heart.

“But (Y/N), you’re crying. I can’t leave you like this...”

“I’m going to be fine. Don’t worry. Just I need a minute...,” she insisted avoiding my gaze.

“I don’t think a minute would be enough. Please, tell me what’s going on, let me help…”

“It’s just a bad memory... just that,” she excused herself, but I wasn´t let it go.

“Is about your forehead scar?...”

“Spencer...,” I took her wrists trying to look her eyes.

“It’s okay. Hey, I’m right here. You can talk to me. Please…”

“I don’t know why this bother me... was a long time ago”

“Don’t keep it to yourself. Is hurting you”

“God... you’re going to hate me after I tell you...,” she muttered looking at me for the first time since I stepped inside the bathroom.

“No. Of course not. Why do you think that?”

“Because I hate myself for that!”. She stood up and left the bathroom shaking her head and walking quickly to the living room. I followed her.

“Please, don’t be so hard to yourself. I’m sure there is a reason...”. She stopped and turned to look at me. Eyes puffy and lips trembling. I never saw her like that. I was worried and scared at same time. She sat on the edge of the couch. Head down, cradling it with her hands. Swinging back and forward. I sat in the coffee table in front of her. I took her hands on mine.

“Hey, (Y/N)... talk to me”. She took a deep breath and started talking avoiding my gaze.

“I had already lost consciousness before falling in the bathroom. The truth is that there are few things I can clearly remember of that day in particular…”

“What do you remember?...”

“Spencer... I've never told anyone this, only my mom knew. But since we made a promise not to hide things, I think you deserve to know...,” she pointed out, looking at me nervously.

“You know you can trust me, right?,” she nodded. She took a deep breath again.

“Okay. Well… a few days had passed since Jill's death. And the truth is... I wasn’t taking it well, on the contrary. I cried a lot and I didn’t want to talk to anybody.

My family tried to get me to come home for a few weeks, but I refused. I thought I was strong enough to be able to face the pain by myself. But I felt bad, disgusted, overwhelmed. I hated everyone, myself included. I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t do it alone but I didn’t want help either. I didn’t know how to cope.

So that day I decided to do something to stop the pain... and the guilt. I didn't think about it much. I bought a lot of alcohol and I just... got drunk. I thought that would help me to forget for a moment, but wasn’t enough. I was in my dorm and the idea just came out. I tried to fight the urge but my mind just said _‘do it’_ , _‘end with this’_ , _‘you have nothing more to do here’_ , _‘you failed’_ …”. She took a pause and tried to scan my reaction. I never let go of her hands and my eyes were on her, along with my full attention. I already suspected where it was all going, but she had to say it. It would be a way to lighten the pain in her chest.

“I searched in my nightstand cabinet and took the pills container. The pills doctor gave me for my panic attacks right after the accident... and... and I took them”. Hard sobs escaped from (Y/N)’s mouth.

“You got intoxicated... you tried to kill yourself...”. I mumbled almost to myself. She nodded without looking at me. Tears pouring from her shut and squeezed eyes.

“Yes. I did. I don’t remember how I managed to get the bathroom. I don’t remember when I fell into the floor. I woke up in the hospital bed. They said my roommate found me and called 911. They said it was a miracle that they found me alive...”

“(Y/N)...,” I whispered placing my hand on her cheek, an unspoken way of telling her that she didn't need to continue speaking if she didn't want to. I could feel my own tears pushing to go out. She gently pulled my hand away from her cheek, but kept it tight with hers resting on her lap. Then she continued.

“When... I woke up in the hospital... I knew I had hit rock bottom. I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't hate my life, but everything around me disgusted me. I remember my mom’s face when I woke up. The stained tears and puffy eyes. She really thought she lost me. But I was so damaged I couldn’t say _‘I’m sorry’_. She tried to talk to me but I was denial. I told her first it was an accident. Of course she didn’t believe me. She forced me to go to therapy. In the first sessions I denied everything. I just wanted to be left alone. Only when the psychiatrist asked me directly why I had tried to end my life, there I broke... and I spoke, I said everything, not only the facts but what it had caused in me. There I started a long road... and with the pass of the months and years... I think I made it. At least I tell myself that every day…”

I promptly left my position in front of her and sat next to her in the couch. I needed to hold her to tell her that she was not alone. I was hoping she would let me do it. In silence, with one of my arms I pulled her to my chest and hugged her tight. She got carried away and clung to my torso with her arms, burying her face into my chest.

“I don't know how I got this far Spencer... I still can't believe it...,” her words muffled in my chest.

“You were having a hard time. You had no tools to deal with what was happening to you. You were alone. You lost your best friend. You didn't see your family as an option to trust. It all came together. You know that a traumatic event can elicit such a response. It's not your fault. It will never be your fault...”. I traced circled paths with my fingers in her back to soothe her.

“I know that… but objectively, although it was not my fault what happened. Spencer, I could have done something, Jill would have wanted me to do something...,” she sobbing in my chest. I started to rocking with her in my arms.

“(Y/N)… it was an accident…”. She shook her head parting from my embrace. I looked at her strangely.

“No! It wasn’t an accident... everyone believes that... my poor Jill, I even couldn't honor her memory with _the truth_...”. I didn’t understand why she was telling that.

There was silence. You could tell (Y/N) was struggling about whether it was a good idea to keep talking. I took her hands and began to trace circles on her knuckles to comfort her. She looked at me with pleading eyes, as if she didn't want to speak even though she was sure it was something that was stuck in her throat and it was pushing to get out.

“I know you might not want to talk more about it, and it’s okay if you don’t but… I want to help. I know I can at least try...”. I assured her. She exhaled hard.

“Jill... was pregnant... pregnant with her ex. Just thinking of that son of a bitch's name makes me sick. Patrick Silver.” Her eyes darkened. You could see the anger built up for years on her face.

“The night of the accident she told him about the baby. And you know what the bastard did? He denied it! And not only that, he attacked Jill physically and psychologically. He abused her, he could have killed her in the same place! He treated her like the worst scum in the world. Jill managed to run away, disoriented and devastated. She ran across the street without looking. That's when the car hit her. The last thing she said to me before she died was what Patrick had done... and I couldn't do anything to make him pay for what he did to her!...”.

(Y/N) broke again. Her body was shaking and the only thing I could do was hold her in my arms. Let her release all the pain from those memories. I knew that nothing I could say would help mitigate that open wound. I could only be for her. Listen to her. Hug her. She kept talking between sobs.

“He caused all that tragedy, and I was not there to help her! All her injuries were attributed to the accident. They didn't even bother to see the bruises on her arms and ankles. Do you know what it’s that people conclude your best friend died because her own recklessness? That it was just a tragic accident? I should have done something. I swear I tried. But nobody believed me. I was the crazy friend who just couldn't accept that the 'party' had ended badly...”

“I’m so sorry (Y/N),” I mumbled stroking her back. She parted slightly.

“I even talked with her parents. You know what they said to me?: _‘Let it go. Let her rest in peace’_. How she could rest in fucking peace without justice?...”

“That is why you isolated yourself from the world. Nobody wanted to listen to you and help you. I'm so sorry. I know there are no words to ease a burden like this. But if there is anything I can do to help you, I will do it without hesitation.”

“I know you would. But… it’s enough for me you have listened to me and you believe me when I tell you I have worked hard to be okay, despite everything. Thank you Spencer…”. Her sobs were now trembling lips and dry tears on her cheeks. I had to hold back my own tears. The woman in front of me lived through hell and no one was with her.

I just nodded caressing her cheek with one of my hands. She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek to my palm to intensify the contact. She looked exhausted but relieved.

“I'm going to make you some tea and then we'll go to sleep. It’s okay for you?”

“Yes. it is okay. Thank you…”. I kissed her forehead and got up heading to the kitchen. She stayed in the couch, with her head on the back facing the ceiling. Still trying to regulate her breathing.

At that point several things about (Y/N) made sense to me. I understood why she had never wanted to talk about Jill's accident. It made sense to me that the closest person in her family was her mom. Her reserved attitude when it came to her time in college. The few friends with whom she had contact. The taciturnity of her behavior when we faced complex cases with abusive men. Her stubbornness when we questioned or gave little attention to witnesses‘ statements in any case.

She knew it. She knew about hard grieving not because she always has the tools to face it, she knew because she went to hell and came back. God, I couldn’t even imagine what is questioning everything at the level of want to end it like that. And what I did all this time? I took her support without knowing her own calvary. Me, the selfish Spencer.

When I returned to the living room with a mug with tea, she took it in both hands thanking me with a small smile. I sat beside her in silence.

“Spencer, I need you do me a favor,” she said in a calm voice and looking at me straight to my eyes.

“Anything,” I replied.

“Please, don’t pity me. If you want to help me, don’t pity me…”. It was as if she had been listening to my thoughts in the kitchen. I gave her a half smile and nodded.

“I won’t. But remember I’m here for you too. Okay?”. I said kissing her forehead.

“I know. Thank you”.

———————

_“Every time I see your face_

_My heart takes off on a high speed chase_

_Now don't be scared, it's only love_

_Baby, that we're falling in…”_

———————


	8. You Wanted More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To say ‘I love you’ is so difficult sometimes. Even when you think there are no doubts about it. But doubts never gone too far. Spencer and Reader have to learn to talk more about their feelings.

——————–

_“Love is color, love is loud, love is never saying you're too proud_

_Love is trusting, love is honest, love is not a hand to hold you down…”_

——————–

After (Y/N) drank her tea, we ate some cookies she had in the cupboard. That was one of my findings in the first month of relationship: (Y/N) loves lemon cookies. To indulge her a bit, I took out a jar full of them and handed her. Minutes later we both were on the couch chewing lemon cookies.

I noticed the domestic of the scene in that moment. She dressed only in my shirt. Me only in boxers. To avoid the night cold, we wrapped ourselves in a blanket while she rested her head on my chest and munched her cookies quietly.

I didn’t stop holding her. Time to time I kissed her temple or the crown of her head. In other moments I took her hands, playing with her fingers in mine. I did everything to express that I was there with her. That she was not alone.

“Did you know the lemon _zest_ became a popular spice and was included in recipes from as early as the 15th century?. The word zest emerged in the 17th century as a term indicating citrus peel used for flavoring…,” I rambled as running my hand over her arm to warmth her.

“Uhm...” (Y/N) replied chewing another cookie.

“The origin lies in the French word _zeste_. The definition has since been refined to indicate the colored part of the peel without the white pith underneath. The lemon zest became a crucial flavoring ingredient for French pastries before vanilla became fully available”.

“Before vanilla?,” she asked. I smirked knowing (Y/N) was truly paying attention to my ramble.

“Yeah. Instead vanilla is more popular in these days...,” I explained.

“Popular or not, I’m not changing this cookies for anything in the world,” (Y/N) stated without any hesitation.

“I bet you won’t,” I replied smirking.

After a big yawn, (Y/N) rubbed her eyes. It was late and tiredness got her. I stood up and took her hand gently.

“C’mon. Time to sleep”. She smiled and nodded.

(Y/N) got dressed in her pajama. I took a grey t-shirt and flannel pants I left previously in her place. She crawled in bed, laying in her back. I grabbed the sheets and comforter and covered us. She turned to the side and rested her back on my chest I wrapped one of my arms around her waist. My other arm behind the pillow where her head was. I kissed her shoulder.

Could have be so easy say _‘I love you’_ in that moment but I recoiled. Instead I replaced with _‘Now try to sleep. I’m right here. I’m not going to anywhere’_. She hummed in response. A while passed but neither of us was sleeping yet. (Y/N) sighed.

“Spencer? Are you awake?,” she asked.

“Yes. You need something?,” I replied tightened my grip of my arm in her waist.

“No. I just want to say you... thank you”. Her voice sounded small, almost frighten.

“No need…”

“Yes. I need to say it. Thank you for being you. For stay with me. For let me feel safe…,” she trailed off.

“You’re not alone (Y/N). You don’t need _to feel alone never again_ , okay?”. I kissed her temple. “Now try to sleep baby. You need it”.

Slowly her breathing began to calm down and I felt like she was falling asleep. But I couldn't. I kept thinking of a thousand ways to protect (Y/N) from something that had already ripped her soul forever. And while she was a strong woman and had learned to live with that pain, I was afraid that opening the wound might affect her more than she could tolerate right now. Knowing only her mom knew the truth, I felt a greater responsibility to protect her. I knew she didn't want pity, but I also knew this was a new challenge for us. Could I be what she really needed? I remembered her words the first time we kissed: _‘We are both broken’_. Clearly it wasn’t a metaphor.

Neither of us spoke about that again. While at BAU our relationship was in the tacit knowledge of all thanks to Penelope. As we assured Hotch, (Y/N) and I talk about our relationship one-on-one with the team. The happiest with the news were Penelope and Rossi. Derek was a bit skeptical, Kate was indifferent and JJ could say she was the most reluctant.

One afternoon in the conference room I was going through a stack of files with Callahan and JJ. Callahan got up to take a call outside the room.

“Uhm. I think (Y/N) should see this file. She wrote the complete report...”. I mumbled to myself, but JJ listened. She stopped reading the manila folder in her hands and cleared her throat to speak.

“Spence? Can I ask you a question?”. I looked up in her direction.

“Yes…?”

“How are you? How are things with (Y/N)?”. I raised an eyebrow. It was something sudden.

“Fine, actually. Things with (Y/N) are going well,” I replied with a calmed voice.

“Do You love her?,” JJ asked.

The question took me by surprise. I thought JJ would stop asking with the previous answer. And although the idea had already been installed in me for some time, recognizing it and verbalizing it was something very different.

“Is that important now?,” I said gaining a defensive tenor.

“Perhaps you are not sure. Do you think she loves you?,” she tried again.

“Well. We'll talk about it when it's time, I guess”. I was getting uncomfortable but it’s JJ, my friend.

“Spence, if you're not sure that's fine. Just don't rush things for her…”.

 _For her?_ My brain has a leak because I didn’t know were that came from. Why JJ thought (Y/N) could be putting some kind of pressure to me?

“What are you implying? Do you think (Y/N) is forcing me or something?”

“I don’t know. You know her better than I do. Although we know she has a strong character, she could be insistent, right?”

It was hard not to remember the (Y/N)’s words: _‘they think I'm taking advantage of you’_. But why? Are they really not able to see me as someone who can make my own decisions at this point?

“JJ... what is it that really worries you? Do you think I can't to keep a healthy relationship?”. I didn’t want to rise my voice but I did.

“I didn’t say that. It's just I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want you to be forced to do anything and I want you to be happy,” she replied in her motherly tone.

“In that case… I think you shouldn't worry. (Y/N) and I… we are fine. I’m calm and happy, okay?”

“It's okay. I'm glad to hear that...”

I was going to delve into the subject but Kate walked back into the conference room. I decided to leave it there. JJ continued to analyze her file.

Days later, traveling to a case in Wisconsin we were exchanging theories about an unsub obsessed with married women without children, mainly housewives.

“I think the unsub is not so methodical. The bodies disposal is haphazard, there is no clear message and it’s even reckless. In my opinion, he has only been lucky not to leave a footprint planted on the victims' bodies,” (Y/N) said, analyzing the case’s photographs.

“But we're not going to wait for another victim to show up to hope he make a mistake, are we?,” Morgan said in exasperation.

“I didn't say that Morgan,” (Y/N) clarified, in a calm but firm voice.

“She is right. (Y/N) has a point. Disorganization when disposing of bodies. But at the time of the murders, is it the same?,” Rossi wondered.

“It seems that the erratic behavior does not appear there. The cuts and stabbings are pretty calculated,” Kate noted.

“It’s true. The question is whether the same person could display both behaviors. Maybe we are looking for a team”, (Y/N) hypothesized.

“No. It's not a team,” Morgan cut in. (Y/N) frowned. I looked at Morgan. He was never so rude in his interventions and less with (Y/N).

“Why do you say no?,” (Y/N) pressed. Now her voice was more demanding and there was annoyance at Morgan's behavior.

“Come on (Y/N)! It's in the book. Such a personal murder, with that victimology, cannot be the work of two people at the same time,” Morgan argued.

“Unless we are wrong in the victimology,” (Y/N) argued back.

“We already reviewed and agreed about it. Are you implying that Penelope didn't give us all the information or we are not doing our job?,” Morgan huffed with more exasperation.

“I didn't say that...,” (Y/N) refuted. We could all already feel the thickness in the air. The discussion was beginning to escalate. But Hotch intervened.

“Morgan, (Y/L/N), enough. When we land, Morgan and Reid will go to the place where the last victim was found. JJ and Callahan are going to the coroner. Rossi, (Y/N) and I will settle in the station”. We all nodded at our tasks and not another word was said.

With Morgan we were in an alley where the last body had been dumped. It was a little traveled place, but not too hidden. In broad daylight it was a place completely visible to any witness.

Morgan began to look around as I focused on the precise spot where the body was. But I couldn’t focus, I wanted to know why Morgan had been so aggressive with (Y/N) on the jet.

“What was that on the jet?”. I asked when Morgan walked over to see if I had found anything.

“About what?” He said with a frown.

“On the jet. The fight with (Y/N),” I clarified.

“It wasn’t a fight. We exchanged arguments. It's what we do, it's part of our job,” Derek said without elaborating and without looking at me.

“Morgan, you were overly rude to her,” I pointed out, trying to not let it go.

“What is this, Reid? Now you're protecting your girlfriend?,” Morgan scoffed.

“What is that supposed to mean?,” I asked now in annoyance.

“Reid. Listen. You can do what you want with your life. It's okay. If you want to be with (Y/N), that's fine. But don't think this will have no consequences. You know exactly what this job is like. I’m your friend, you know that. I know that things have not been easy and sometimes it’s easy to get confused…”

“ _To get confused_?,” I cut him off. Now things started to make sense.

“I know (Y/N) was with you very closely when Maeve… died. But from there to being more than friends? Call it what you want, infatuation maybe? but I don't know if you're sure what you're doing...”

“I didn't know I was the only one on this team who doesn't know what to do most of the time...,” I hissed.

“Reid, you know what I mean,” Morgan tried to clarify.

“Yeah. And I sincerely expected more from you who call yourself my friends. Especially from JJ and you. I don't understand your aversion to me being with (Y/N). You were the first to say _'come on kid, you have to move on’_. Well, now I'm doing it, you don't like the idea anymore.”

“Is not that...,” Derek shook his head.

“So Morgan? (Y/N) doesn't fill your expectations? No. This is enough. If you have a problem with that, say so directly to me and don't make these _'concern'_ statements about me, which are of little help”. I said and left the spot heading to the SUV.

The conversation ended there. Morgan declined to respond knowing that I was already upset enough to _understand_ his reasons.

I arrived at the police station and (Y/N) had started with the geographic profile. When she saw me she immediately realized that something was wrong.

“Hey. And that face?,” (Y/N) asked frowning.

“Nothing. I'm just annoyed,” I replied dryly and without making eye contact with her.

“You notice the contradiction in that phrase, right genius?,” she snorted. I chuckled in return.

“Yeah... I’m sorry. I didn’t want to snap,” I apologized.

“Do you want to come outside for a while? Fresh air could help”. I nodded and followed her to the police station’s exit. Once outside I rested my back in one of the walls. (Y/N) looked at me waiting the right second to say the question. I folded my arms in my chest. She stepped a few meters away from me, not enough to me feel her gaze fixed on me.

“Okay, why are you upset?,” she asked. I huffed in exasperation.

“They have not right to treat you like that!. They just can’t assume things about you. They can’t assume things about me, about us...,” I started my rambling.

“JJ and Morgan?”. _She knew_. I didn’t say names but she knew.

“¿How...?”

“They hadn’t been subtle, Spencer. I’m not stupid. I noticed”

“Aren’t you mad with them?”

“Is it worth? They’ll always believe I’m trying to take advantage of you,” she said.

“They shouldn’t... they don’t know...”

“No. They don’t. But they don’t need to know either. I’m not indifferent but I’m not want doing this hardest. I don’t know about you, they are your friends after all. If you’re not comfortable with that you have the right to tell them, but do it for you not for me. _I’m fine_ ,” she assured me.

“They don’t know you. They don’t know the great woman you are...,” I mumbled.

“Awww, you flatter me Dr. Reid,” (Y/N) tried to joke.

“I’m talking seriously (Y/N). It’s not a joke. I don’t want them being unfair with you”. She looked at me smiling and nodding.

“Spencer, it’s okay. If I can do my job, it’s fine…”

“I disagree. I supposed _we’re a family_. Family support each other, right?,” I complained.

“And families fight and have arguments. C’mon Spencer, if we need to compare, BAU’s family is better than yours and mine together. Well, excluding our moms, of course”. I couldn't help but laugh. She looked pleased seeing me doing that. Her eyes looked so beautiful with the afternoon sun rays reflected on them. I had _the three words_ in the tip of my tongue pushing for release...

“(Y/N)...”, I shyly mumbled.

“Uhm?...”

“I... love… I… I would love kiss you right now,” I stuttered and retreated again. She giggled.

“Hey genius, stop right there. I would love to kiss you too but I can see right now how Hotch and Rossi have their gaze on us looking from the window. We don’t need a reprimand, right?”

“Right…”

“Okay. Then let’s back to work. If we close this case soon we could come back home,” she said walking into the police station. I followed her.

While (Y/N) 's mood looked better during those weeks, I was worried. She had been clear in telling me she had worked hard to be okay and not to treat her like she was a glass vessel. Still it was hard not to think about it. And it was harder to realize that JJ and Morgan weren't making her life easier either. I don't know if Hotch intervened in any way, but their explicit animosity towards (Y/N) stopped, giving way to a tense calm.

We were starting December almost without realizing it. The number of cases that reached the BAU in recent months had been ridiculous. That meant that we spent a lot of time outside of Virginia and the little time available with (Y/N) we tried to make it in the company of each other, even if it was to make up for lost sleep.

It was at dinner one night that an idea came to my brain. After several letters to my mother telling her about (Y/N), she had expressed so much emotion and she demanded to meet the woman who was making me so happy in this time. Maybe holidays were a good excuse to make that happen.

“Are you going to dinner with your dad on Christmas Eve?,” I asked. (Y/N) let out a sigh.

“I should, indeed. I promised mom to at least have contact with dad for the holidays…”

“I don’t see you very happy about that…”

“Well, you know. It’s not a plan that excites me very much. Anyway, do you already have your tickets to Vegas?,” she asked back.

“No. In fact, it was something I wanted to talk about... this year I want mom to come DC. And I think it would be a good chance for us to do something together. Maybe have lunch at Christmas and spend New Year’s Eve together?, what do you think?”

“Oh. Are you sure about that? Isn't it very impolite that I get in the way of the little time you two spend together?”. I had seldom seen her nervous about something. This time it was one of those. I was also a bit nervous to be honest. They say that the step of meeting the parents is something important in a relationship, apparently we both tacitly agreed on that.

“(Y/N)... you remember that we are together right? I guess it's something that should happen at some point. Sure, if you're not comfortable with that, that's fine...”

“No. No, Spencer. I'm not uncomfortable. I would really like to meet your mother...”. A grin crossed my face. She giggled. “I feel like a teenager on this. I’m sorry”.

“Sometimes I feel the same with you. But it’s not a bad thing. I like it,” I assured her.

Two days before Christmas I went to Vegas for my mom. Hotch assured us that we would not take cases until after New Year’s, given the last hectic months we have had. I told my mom she would meet (Y/N) on Christmas day, that I had invited her to lunch. She looked as excited as I was, so much so that Christmas night she filled me with questions about (Y/N).

When (Y/N) knocked on the door that day, I enthusiastically opened it, welcoming her with a big smile.

“Merry Christmas,” she said approaching me grinning and giving me a soft peck on my lips.

“Merry Christmas,” I replied, letting her go into the living room where my mom was. She saw (Y/N) and stood up to greeting her.

“Mom. She is (Y/N),” I presented her.

“Oh. Hello dear,” my mom said hugging her.

“Hello Mrs. Reid. It’s nice to meet you...,” (Y/N) greeted back.

“Same to you darling. And please, call me Diana. Spencer talks a lot about you in his letters so I think I know you already”.

“Hope not so bad things...,” (Y/N) chuckled nervously.

“Not at all! Just good things and I’m glad it be in that way. And I hope Spencer don't give you hard times often, I apologize for that in advance”

“Mom...,” I complained, (Y/N) giggled and my mom nodded.

“C’mon Spencer. I know you. And for the (Y/N)’s giggles I think she did too”

“How can I argue on that? Better I go to the kitchen. You two can talk about me as much you want...,” I said heading to the kitchen.

“Oh my dear, you don’t need to say it twice,” my mom replied holding (Y/N)'s hand and inviting her to sit in the couch with her.

Standing in the kitchen I could hear my mom and (Y/N) talking. Not only about me, that was good. I was in awe seeing both giggling with so naturally when I was pacing between the dinning and kitchen with plates, glasses and stuff for our lunch. My heart swelled seeing how they were getting along so well. In some point I couldn’t help but kept staring them. (Y/N) caught me and grinned to me. I looked her back with the biggest smile in my face.

Lunch was very nice. My mom told (Y/N) some embarrassing stories from my childhood and some anecdotes from when she worked as a literature teacher. (Y/N) was listening intently and I could see her eyes sparkling with interest. Although I was little involved in the conversation, seeing them both talk was enough to enjoy the moment. After lunch, the three of us sat in the living room to continue talking. Laughter filled the room. I have rarely allowed myself that kind of joy in my place. It was a very pleasant feeling. Dinner time caught us and with (Y/N) we cooked something simple and quickly. Our gazes met some time to time, we both smiling. I could tell she was enjoying the day as much as I did.

“Okay. I’m going to call it a night now. It was a real pleasure (Y/N),” my mom told as she stood up from the couch.

“Thank you Diana. I had a great time talking to you. I think it’s time to go home too,” (Y/N) replied starting to stand up too.

“No, please, don’t. You can stay. I guess Spencer will agree with me you both can _‘talk’_ alone for a while”. I flustered hearing my mom _‘giving a push’_ for (Y/N) to stay.

“Yeah. You could stay... for a while?,” I asked somewhat blushed. (Y/N) agreed and my mom left us alone.

“Your mom is amazing Spencer”. (Y/N) stated as I plopped in the couch beside her.

“I know. Can you guess from whom I inherited that charm, right?”. (Y/N) chuckled. I rested my head on the edge of back pillows and turned face her.

“And that humbleness too”. (Y/N)’s face supported by her arm resting in the couch border. The spark in her eyes seemed irresistible to me. Now I shifted my body turning to her and reaching her cheek with one of my palms. We stare at each other for a few minutes. Both grinning.

“ _Can I kiss you?_ ”. I asked suddenly, almost in a whisper.

“Why are you asking that?”. (Y/N)’s giggles were sweet music for my ears.

“Well, with my mom here I feel like a kid again...”. (Y/N) shook her head curling her lips.

“Silly doctor...”. She leaned in and attached her lips to mine. I didn’t realize how much I was craving for that until I felt our mouths molding in a sweet but needy kiss. When we broke the kiss she cuddled into my arms. Head resting on my chest. I kissed her forehead I tightened our embrace.

“You didn’t tell my how was dinner with your dad last night”. (Y/N) let out a huff.

“You know… same as always. One of my brothers made it after dinner and stayed an hour or less. I could see my nephew. He turned one three months ago and I saw him for the first time yesterday. Crazy, right?”. She let out a bitter smile.

“Yeah. I can see how thrilled you were... I’m sorry,” I replied in understanding mode.

“Don’t be. We talked about that before, Spencer. This is how it is. No point to be sad or angry for that”. She said kissing my jaw.

“Okay. Then no more talking about it. I have something for you”. She parted from my embrace.

“What? No! Spencer... we talked about no exchange presents!,” she complained.

“You think that would stop me?”. She frowned knowing what I was saying was utterly true.

“Of course not”. I got up from the couch and went to one of the shelves and pulled out behind my books a large wrapped envelope with a bow on it. I handed it to her and she looked at the envelope carefully. Then she tore the packaging and her eyes lit up. It was an Etta James vinyl.

“Seriously, Spencer?!”

“Yeah. I remembered when you told me your mom liked singing this Etta’s edition in rainy days as you danced in the living room. Hope you like it…”

“Like it? It’s perfect!... I thought this record edition was discontinued. Jeez Spencer, I have nothing for you. I’m feeling bad for that,” she exclaimed still looking at her gift in awe.

“No, please. I didn’t do this for something in exchange. I really wanted you have it. I know is a happy memory for you”.

“Nobody did something like this for me before... thank you…”. I didn't think she was going to be so excited about my gift, but it seemed to hit an important chord from her childhood.

“Always...”. I leaned in to kiss her. Was a long sweet kiss. I noticed she was smiling as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Spencer… _I love you_...”. She whispered suddenly on my lips. I didn’t expect that. That was the main reason I froze. I opened my eyes, hers still was closed. I parted not so subtlety trying to process her words. They were just a slippery? She really meant that? Worst part was my silence. I could had just replied saying the same. But I couldn’t. She realized my reaction in matters of seconds. “I... I’m sorry. I didn’t want make you uncomfortable... I wasn’t thinking in...,” she babbled with flushed cheeks.

“No, no… It's just that I wasn't expecting it now. But that's okay, no... you don't need to apologize for that…”. I tried to reverse my original reaction because it was clear that (Y/N) was awkward.

“Yes, I need to. You’re uncomfortable. I’m sorry…”

“(Y/N)…”. I really wanted to say something but the words just didn't want to come out of my mouth.

“It’s okay Spencer, you don´t need to say anything…,” she said avoiding my gaze.

“It’s just I hadn't thought of it that way. I really like you, I have no doubts about that. But you know...,” I tried to explain the unexplainable.

“No problem. You don't have _to say it back_ if you don't feel the same. I think I let it out too much soon. Blame it on my emotion”. She half-smiled trying to lighten the moment but I could see her eyes of disappointment. That broke my heart.

“Aren't you mad at me?”. I don't know what I anticipated as an answer, if she was upset she didn't want to make me feel bad even though I knew I had ruined the moment.

“Of course not. We don't have to rush anything”. She told me trying to smile.

“Okay... well, yeah. No rush, right?...”

“There's no rush. We're fine”. Despite her words, an awkward silence settled between us for some minutes. I tried to break it with whatever came to my mind.

“Ehm.. do you want a drink?”. I asked shyly.

“No. I'm fine. Actually… I think I should go. It's late.” (Y/N) replied as she stood up from the couch looking for her coat and purse.

“Oh. Okay. Ehm, I’ll drive you home...”. I stood up from the couch too and reached my car keys.

“Spencer, no way. You need to stay with your mom. I’ll pick a cab. Not big deal. Thank you for invited me today. Was really nice met your mother...”. She barely pecked my lips and was already coming down the stairs.

I closed the door and I hit my forehead against the wall beside it. _‘Stupid you idiot!’_ was my first thought. I did it wrong. (Y/N) said _‘I love you’_ and I freaked out. It’s not that I never thought about that. But now I wasn’t sure. My feelings for (Y/N) was growing stronger everyday but I didn’t know if it was love. Maybe, but the memory of the last time I said I was in love was taunting me like a knife. I thought I wasn’t ready.

My concern increased when (Y/N) told me she will spend New Year’s Eve with one of her brothers and she won’t come to my place like we agreed weeks ago. I didn’t push her about it but I had my suspicious. Knowing (Y/N) she sure would chose spend time alone than with her brothers. At dinner that day my mom noticed something odd. I wasn't so talkative.

“Honey, what’s wrong?,” she asked with concern.

“Uhm?... nothing, just I zoned out a bit…”. I mumbled.

“I see that. Where is that mind of yours my boy?”

“I think I made a mistake but I’m not sure how to fix it...”. I put the fork aside my plate

“You can tell me. Maybe your old mother could help or trying be a little helpful at least, what's wrong?”

I told her about (Y/N)’s words. That I freaked out and said nothing. I asked if someone could love two persons at same time.

“You could love as many persons as you feel in to it. But they’re different kinds of love. I know the last time was very hard but time passes Spencer. You need to move on. And maybe you can’t see it now but I can tell you’re falling for (Y/N) deeply. I saw how you both staring each other at Christmas. Eyes doesn't lie," she said confidently.

“What can I do?... I mean... could be a good idea talk to her about this? I don't want she think I don't care. I do care. I want to be with her, but I don't know if I can give her what she wants now...”

“And do you know what she wants now?, and what do you want? What's the problem to love her?”. My mom took my hand and squeezed lightly.

“I don't want to lose her…”. I blurted out.

“Honey, I don't understand. Why you do think you could lose her if you admit love her?”

“That was what happened last time...”. I said with a deep sigh.

“Oh Spencer. Don't torture yourself with that. What happened was a tragedy, nobody could tell otherwise, but you deserve to be happy. Don't deny yourself the chance. Think about the good things with (Y/N), are you happy with that?”. I pursed my lips and frowned for a moment thinking about that.

“Yeah. She makes me happy…,” I confessed.

“That's what I thought. Then tell her. She needs to know how you feel. Don't let her in the darkness”.

I kept thinking and reviewing all the moments with (Y/N). From how little we interacted when we first met. When she took me home from the hospital when Maeve died. Our conversation after the funeral. When we talk for hours in my apartment sharing our experiences of grief. Every time she was by my side during the cases and nightmares. The furtive conversations at night. The calls. The messages. The jokes. The laughs. The night’s walks. The coffees at the BAU. The first time she cried on my shoulder. Our first kiss. The furtive glances in the jet. The kisses in secretly. Our first night together. Everything. Everything was displayed in my head like a movie. And then it hit me.

“I love her... yeah... I love her. Mom, I love (Y/N)”. My mom grinned nodding in agreement.

“Okay. Now, go!,” she commanded.

"What?!"

“Go to her place. Tell her. Why waste time?”

“No. I can´t. We are dinning. I can´t let you here alone in New Year's Eve…”

“Spencer. Spending time with you this days has been amazing for me. But I don´t have intention to staying awake until midnight. I can hug you in the morning. Plus, I'm tired now and I would like go to bed. You and (Y/N) are the young hearts that need this. What better moment?”

“No. I can’t leave you here alone mom...”

“If your concern is my safety, why don’t you ask to your sweet neighbor Andie to look after me? Sure she will agree. Okay, I’m going to sleep now,” she said standing up from her chair.

“Mom... are you...?”

“Go!, don't argue with me Spencer Reid,” she stated in a severe tone.

“Okay... okay. Thank you mom. I love you”

“I love you too my sweet boy. You deserve happiness. Please, give (Y/N) my regards”

I gave my mom a kiss on her cheek, grabbed my satchel and ran off. I went to the apartment next to mine, where my neighbor Andie lives, whom I have known since I came to live in the building. When she opened the door she greeted me smiling. I explained I had an emergency and if she could keep an eye on my mom a couple of hours. She agreed taking my spare key. “Of course Spencer. With Robert we can go check on her. No problem”.

A sigh of relief escaped my lips. I thanked her profusely and said goodbye. Then I ran up the stairs and came down quickly. I looked my watch and it pointed 11:25 pm. I still had time to get (Y/N) before midnight and clear up this matter before starting a new year.

Arriving in front of her door, I stopped for a second to compose myself from the marathon that I ran from my apartment. I was still panting when I knocked the door. I knew she was there and that dinner with his brother was a lie. I could see it when she opened the door and looked at me confused.

“Spencer? What are you doing here? I told you I was going to... well, never mind. And your mom? Did you leave her alone?... you ran to come here? Something happened?”. (Y/N) looked me with concern.

“No... everything... is under control. My neighbor Andie is looking after my mom. I needed to see you, (Y/N). And I couldn’t wait until tomorrow. Can I come in?”. Still confused she moved from the entrance for me come in. When she shut the door pointed to the living room for us moving there.

“Okay. Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? You’re scaring me...”.

“(Y/N), I made a mistake and I can’t accept I hurt you for that. We made a promise. And I failed. I didn’t be honest with you”, I blurted out. (Y/N) furrowed.

“What are you talking about?”.

“About the day you said you love me...”.

“Spencer, we talked about that. It’s doesn’t matter...,” she tried to discard the topic.

“No! It matters. I know it matters to you and it matters to me too". She avoided my gaze.

“But it wasn’t the right time. I get it...”, she tried to apologize again. I cut her off putting my hands in her shoulders. I fixed my eyes on her.

“No. That’s the thing. _There isn’t a right time_. Has been almost a year and I didn’t dear to tell you how I really feel about you. I denied myself the possibility because I’m scare. But the truth is... I do love you. I’m in love with you... and every day you are by my side I’m falling more and more. _I love you (Y/N)_. And it’s time for me to say it. God, it’s feel so good saying the words! _I love you. I want you. I need you_. Did I say I love you yet?”. I was euphoric. Nothing could stop me now. I did it. I told her.

“Spencer, please. Don’t do this because I couldn’t kept my mouth shut...,” she tried to argue.

“I don’t. This is real and true. (Y/N), I need you to be honest with me. Do you really love me? Please, tell me... I need to know”. She let out a sigh.

“God, of course I love you Spencer. More than anything or anyone. I never thought I could fall so hard for someone. But you made it real. And I know. I really know things are complicated in our lives. I‘m no asking anything to you. You don’t owe me nothing either. I’m happy by your side. That’s enough for me. And I meant what I said but those are my feelings, nothing has to change between us if you don't want to,” she rambled.

“Well... _it’s too late for that_...” I said with a grin in my face.

“What do you mean?,” she looked at me with confusion.

“Everything changed to me. Thanks to you. You managed to change everything in my life. In the best way possible. That’s enough evidence to accept the fact I love you and you need to know that. I don’t know where this will lead us, but I’ll happily take the chance with you by my side”

“Are you sure about this?,” she asked grabbing my wrists. My hands still on her shoulders.

“Yes. I’m pretty sure. And that’s a reason for me not saying anything the first time. I thought if I admitted my real feelings for you I could lose you. And I can’t let that happen...”

“Why you think you could lose me? You thought I don’t feel the same?,” she asked.

“No only that. You know... my luck. Everything good that happens to me ending in a disaster. And I don’t want to lose you. You’re too important in my life. I want to be happy with you and make you happy. I want us happy. Could you let me try that?”

“Yeah... I could. I will...”. We both were crying. I moved forward and wrapped her with my arms. She clung to my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair with my eyes closed enjoying the moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for holding this all these months. I should have tell you sooner. I love you...”

“Please... say it again...,” she asked me muffling her words on my chest.

“I love you. (Y/N) (Y/L/N), I’m so in love with you...”. I parted from our embrace and cupped her cheeks. I contemplated those beautiful eyes for a fraction of seconds before leaning to kiss her. I closed my eyes and could feel the warmth of her lips. I could tell she basked the moment as long as I did. Both lost in our embrace and saying a lot of _'I love you's'_ in a long and passionate kiss.

Midnight had arrived and it was announced with the sound of fireworks. That was a sign that a new year had begun. With (Y/N) we kept kissing with the background noise far from us. My heart was pounding and my hands around her waist were pulling her body towards me. Her hands around my neck played with my hair. When we parted we both gave each other the best grin we had.

“Happy New Year, (Y/N). I love you.”

“Happy New Year, Spencer. I love you too.”

No more words were needed. I hugged her brushing her hair. She rested her head on my chest and hugged me back with her arms around my torso. After a while I heard a sigh escaping from her lips.

“What’s wrong?”

“Spencer… I'm so happy staying like this with you but I'm worried. Your mom is alone in your apartment. Maybe you should go...”

“Yeah. I know. I'll be leaving soon. I don't want to leave you though”. I admitted.

“Neither do I. But it's okay. We can see each other later.” Then an idea pops in my brain.

“What if you come with me? We can sleep on the couch. It's not very comfortable, but we'd can manage. And I bet my mom will be happy to see you in the morning…”

“Spencer, we can wait... I don't think that's a good idea…”

“Please? I don’t want come back alone and I don’t want to leave you alone here. We can just snuggling and sleeping in the couch. What do you say?”. (Y/N) kept thinking for a few seconds.

“Okay. Okay. I’ll go. Let me grab some extra clothes and the pie we could eat for breakfast”

When we arrived to my apartment I texted Andy letting her know I came back. She texted me back saying everything was okay and my mom was sleeping when she checked on her half hour ago. I went to the bedroom and I saw her sleeping soundly. I close the door of the bedroom after grabbing some blankets from the dresser.

“You want something?,” I asked (Y/N) who was staring at the window.

“No. I’m okay,” she replied still looking outside. I arranged the blankets in the couch, accommodating the furniture for more space. I padded next to her wrapping her waist with my arms and resting my chin on her shoulder.

“What is the interesting thing that you are looking out of the window?,” I asked.

“Nothing in particular. Just the people celebrating in the street. And the clouds. It will rain soon…,” she replied stroking my hands round her waist.

“I see. But… what else is in your head?”. I tried again, (Y/N) shock her head. I’m sure she was thinking _'why I'm rounded by profilers?'_.

“My mom liked New Year's Eve. It was her favorite holiday, do you know why? Because she thought that even though you could feel miserable at 11 pm, after midnight you were allowed to start over…”. She rested her head on my shoulder.

“Your mom were right. It's a good way of looking at it”.

“Yes. God, Spencer. This time of year is when I miss her the most”.

“I’m sorry (Y/N)”.

“She would be happy to see me right now, you know?”.

“Why?”. I asked kissing her temple.

“Because she would see how happy I’m with you. Happy for me finding someone to love and someone who loves me back”. I spun her to meet her gaze.

“Hey, look at me. You deserve it. And I’ll tell you why. You’re the most exceptional human being I had lucky to know. You’re kind, strong, supportive. The best friend and partner I could ask for. That’s why I love you.” I leaned to whisper close to her ear. “Ah! and I must to add that sex with you is the best I had in my life ever”. She fell in a fit of giggles. _Mission accomplished_.

“God Spencer, you sure know how to flatter a girl”, she teased. I pecked her lips.

“Of course. Now let’s go to our improvised bed”.

She did dress in a long-sleeved shirt and cotton pants. I got in my flannel pajamas. We both climbed onto the couch spooning, her back on my chest. I took the blankets and covered us to the top. With one of my hands I reached for the lamp and turned it off. My other hand under the blankets wrapping (Y/N)'s waist.

We were in silence listening to the rain that began to fall. When the sound of the rain got louder, (Y/N) scooted closer to my body looking for warmth and comfort. I tightened my grip on her kissing her shoulder.

“I love you,” I mumbled into her shoulder.

“I love you too”, she replied in a sleepy voice.

It took a while until we both fell asleep. Both surrendered to exhaustion but happy.

Next morning I felt (Y/N) stretching. I still had my arm around her waist, but now she was turned facing me. I opened my eyes and found hers. She smiled looking at me awake.

“Morning…”. I mumbled.

“Good morning,” she replied with a sleepy voice.

“Good to know you both were able to talk last night. This boy was getting more anxious than usual”. My mother's voice caught our attention. (Y/N) turned in the couch resting her back on my chest. My mom came from the kitchen with a mug of tea in her hands. She sat in one of the chairs that faced the window.

“Happy New Year mom,” I greeted her rubbing my eyes.

“Happy New Year Diana,” (Y/N) told her too.

“Happy New Year darlings. It’s good to see you both like this. You’re so young, don’t waste time with insecurities. You told her, Spencer?”

“Yeah. And she loves me back,” I confessed lightly blushing. (Y/N) let out some giggles.

“Thanks God!. So stubborn both of you,” she complained.

Breakfast that morning was a pleasant moment for everyone. My mom talking to (Y/N) about the importance of public education. (Y/N) explained that in her early years her parents could not afford a private school so all primary school was in a public school. My mom discussing the changes needed to improve the system. I could only look at them in awe. I didn't even want to interrupt with my own ramblings.

(Y/N) said goodbye after breakfast, knowing that in the afternoon I would take my mom back to Vegas.

“Remember (Y/N), if Spencer starts giving you complications or hard times, you can write direct to me and I'll take care of it”.

“Thank you Diana. I hope that shouldn’t be necessary,” (Y/N) replied. I just shook my head smiling at the threat. My mom nodded and excused herself to take a shower.

“When do you think you will be back?”. (Y/N) asked.

“Tomorrow night probably. But I'll call you when I come back, okay?”

“Yeah. It's okay. Okay, now I'm leaving. Have a safe flight”. I approached her leaning down and cupping her cheeks with my hands. Our lips connected in a long, soft kiss.

“Thank you. I love you”. I murmured on her lips. (Y/N) smiled.

“I love you too Spencer Reid”.

When I came back from Vegas 2 days later it was almost midnight. I called (Y/N) to know if I could crash on her place. She said yes. I knocked the door and I was greeted for and semi sleepy (Y/N) in a robe smiling to me.

“Hey you. How was your flight?,” she asked as I came in into the apartment giving her a chaste kiss.

“It was fine. Not so comfy but okay. My mom was happy for those days here in DC so it worthy”. I replied flopping in the couch. (Y/N) sat next to me turning her body to face me.

“I’m glad. Your mom is a great woman Spencer. And she loves you a lot,” she stated stroking one of my cheeks with her knuckles.

“Yeah. I know... I just wish I could do more for her. To help her to get better. Doctors said the treatment will not improve her condition and I don’t know what else to do”. I blurted out with a deep sigh. Frowning (Y/N) took one of my hands in hers.

“But there are another options? I mean for her feeling better. We know her condition in the long run will not change...”

“I know that but I still keep the hope too. It’s weird I know”. I confessed running my thumb on her knuckles.

“Not at all, the hope keep us alive, you know?” she said in a reassuring tone. I shrugged. “Okay, I’ll make something to eat. I bet you didn’t eat anything before the flight,” (Y/N) stated standing up and heading to the kitchen.

“Yeah. I forgot and in the flight I just read and slept…”

“That’s what I thought,” she voiced from the kitchen.

After an improvised dinner, we both returned to the couch to cuddle. My head on her lap, her hands running through my hair. I hummed in approval with her motions.

“Are you tired?,” she asked.

“No, just enjoying the moment. Why?”. I could feel her smirking.

“Well, I’m enjoying this too. But maybe we could do more for our own enjoyment...”. She softly let my head resting in one of the pillows on the couch while she stood up keeping herself in front of me. Slowly she untied her robe sliding it to the floor revealing a matching and provocative lace. My natural reaction was me sitting straight in the couch in two seconds with my eyes wide open staring her in awe.

“And this is for...,” I stuttered seeing her from head to toe.

“Well. The last time we had sex was technically last year. If this will the first one on this year it has to be good, right?”

“It seems fair to me…,” I mumbled with my eyes fixed in her lace.

“Do you like what you see?,” she asked arching a brow.

“So so much…”

“C’mon Spencer, this lingerie will not ripped spontaneously”. She said with a mischievously look and heading to the bedroom.

I could feel the heat running through my body and how my awaked erection was evident in my slacks. Eagerness made me stumbled in the path to (Y/N)’s bedroom. She laid in the mattress waiting for me.

“Clothes off doctor,” she commanded. I obliged, kicking my shoes off, taking my dress shirt off too. I released the buckle of my belt sliding my slacks with my boxers in one motion. Socks off and I jumped into the bed. (Y/N) chuckled at the sight of me naked in so short time. I leaned beside her touching her skin softly with my fingertips.

“Can I ask you something?” she whispered in a sultry tone that made me shiver.

“Anything...,” I breath out kissing her collarbone.

“Could we... be... a little rougher this time? I mean... rougher sex,” her eyes looking at me with purpose. I lifted her chin to intensify my gaze on her.

“Yeah... we could do that… but... are you sure?,” I asked whispering in her ear.

“Yeah. I want to feel you so so much and I want to feel you so hard. I want get lost in you. But… if you don’t want or feel uncomfortable that’s okay, we can do it like we use to...,” she said touching my bare chest.

“Hey. I’ll do whatever to please you. And I can enjoy it too. Just tell me if it’s too much, okay?,” I asked her. My arousal increased with each second.

“Okay,” she replied with a playful look.

“Good. Okay, now lay down with your stomach in the mattress”. I instructed and she complied. I took her arms over her head and with one of my hand restrained hers while my other hand traced smooth paths on her back from the base of her neck to the lower back. I could feel her quivering under my touch. A soft moans escaped from her mouth.

“Moaning already? I barely touched you...,” I teased.

“That’s how I need you...,” she replied with another moan.

“Is that so? Uhm... so needy (Y/N). I though you’re were so calm and composed person. Look at you. You want to lose control? You want me to break your steadiness? Uhm?,” I asked with a low and steady voice.

“Yes...”

“Yes, what?”

“Break me, doctor”. Jeez, she called me doctor in bed before but this time was different. It was a plea, like she were surrender to me with the honorific. I didn’t know that would turn me on in that way.

“Okay, but you don’t make the rules here _sweetheart_. I’m going to break you but it will be on my way. Understood?,” I said grabbing a fistful of her hair and yanking it lifting her head to look at me.

“Yes... doctor. I’ll do what you want…,” she said. I let her hair and moved my hand to her back again.

“Good girl,” I replied un-clasping her bra and removing it from her chest. I did the same with her panties. Sliding it and tossing it across the room. A whimper escaped from (Y/N). I ran on of my fingers in her slit collecting some wetness. She moaned. “C’mon baby, rise your ass for me”. She obliged and I couldn’t help but slap her butt cheeks a few times. She moaned hard and I could tell she was enjoying that.

“Yesss… oh God, the sting feels so good…,” she whined in pleasure.

“Yeah?, oh naughty girl. I didn’t know you like to be treated like that… I could do this again and again… you want that?...,” I asked slapping her butt harder several times with my hand until her whines came louder and louder. Red prints of my hand showing in her ass.

Without wanting to extend the foreplay, I pumped my cock a few times before lined it into her entrance. I thrusted and bottomed out letting escape a grunt. She whined feeling me inside of her. I stayed there for adjustment just a few seconds and started pounding her faster and harder. She asked for roughness, I would give her roughness. Her moans told me that she was lost in my thrusts.

“ _Fuck_ (Y/N)... you take it so good...”, I panted biting her earlobe. Another grumble escaped from her.

“Spencer… _please_ … keep going...,” she tried to said between thrusts. I grabbed a fistful of hair for leverage. I pulled her hair and she instinctively arched her back to my chest. I could use one of my hands to grab one of her breast, squeezing it and pinching her nipple with my fingers. My other hand left her hair and gripped her waist to increase the friction between our bodies.

“Do you like when I fuck you like this?, when I fuck you from behind?” I asked in a raspy tone full of lust and desire.

“Yes!... Spencer. I like that...,” she replied grabbing the bed's headboard to keep her balance. I increased the speed of my thrusts.

“Oh yeah?. Tell me who you belong sweetheart...”

“You. Only and utterly to you,” she replied without hesitation.

“Yeah, you’re mine, only mine... they will know you’re mine. I want everybody knows that. Nobody should doubt that you belong to me…”

“Please...”

“What was that?”

“I’m yours... please, keep fucking me. I need you...”

“(Y/N)... so needy. How badly you want it?”

“So so badly. Please Spencer! I’ll do what you want, but I need you...," she begged.

“Yes. Say my name. Beg to me to keep fucking you,” I grunted.

“Spencer please! Keep fucking me like this. Right there Spencer...,” she yelled between moans.

“ _Feels good my dirty girl_?,” I asked moving one of my hands to her clit tracing circles movements with my thumb on it.

“Yes! Oh God! Sooo good. I love you baby... yesss. Oh God... you’re a fucking genius... shit... you’re so deep...”

“You’re so wet... you’re are made for me...,” my thrusts became more frantic and I increased the pressure over her clit.

“Yesssss... Spencer!, harder!”.

“You like rough eh? Look at you, a _real mess_ with my cock inside of you. Do you like how your body trembling when I thrust you?,” I moaned as I could feel her walls clenching around me.

“Yes. I love being a mess because of you...”.

“Oh dirty girl... _my dirty girl_. So dirty that you let me fuck you into oblivious,” I praised.

“Yes! I’ll let you fucking me like you want, anytime... everywhere... ahhhhh...”.

“That’s right. Be loud. Let them heard how I make you feel...,” I kept my thrusts. My hand in her clit moving faster and my other hand griping her neck to increase some pressure. She get crazy in pleasure when I started pressuring her throat.

“Oh God. Yes! Ruin me Spencer, please...,” she managed to say despite the lack of air in her throat.

“Such a mess dirty girl. Do you think you deserve to cum tonight?,” I teased.

“Yesss, please… I need to cum. I’m so close Spencer…,” she begged.

“Yeah baby, me too… you’re so tight. (Y/N), you take so good my cock. Cum for me, let me feel you,” I said feeling my thrusting more sloppy and my cock twitching inside her. She let out a loud moan and I felt her walls clenching harder around me. All her muscles tensed as she reached her orgasm. I followed suit spilling all my warmth inside her.

We stand still for a moment trying to catch our breath. I pulled myself out her and collapsed onto the bed. She did the same. She lay down with her back on the mattress letting out a groan at the contact of her bottom with the sheets.

“Are you okay?,” I asked turning to face her.

“Yeah. More than okay… it sting a little, but more than okay,” she breathed out.

“Did I hurt you?”. In the heat of the moment I didn't know if I did it roughest than the necessary.

“Spencer, no. It was amazing. Really. I needed something like that. Did you enjoyed it?”.

“Yes. Was different and... definitely it felt good. You heard me yelling your name, right?.” We both laughed.

“Yeah, we were kind of vocal,” she confessed giggling.

“I know”. I stood up and headed to the bathroom. I cleaned myself and took a wet washcloth and a bottle of lotion. I came back and sat in the bed to help (Y/N) cleaning herself and spread some lotion in her butt cheeks.

“Thank you,” she mumbled. “Can we do this again?,” she asked shyly. I smiled.

“Yeah, of course we can. I’ll do whatever you want me to do,” I assured her.

“Can we cuddle right now?”

“Yes. And we need to sleep too. This kind of exercises drained all the remaining energy I had,” I chuckled. She agreed with her eyes half open.

We both lay down under the sheets and duvet. With my back on the mattress, (Y/N) scooted near my body resting her head on my chest. I hugged her with one of my arms while with the other hand I caressed her forearm that rested on my stomach.

“Are you okay?,” I asked.

“Better than ever,” she replied yawning.

“Good,” I mumbled before falling asleep.

January 16th came faster than I thought. It was the second anniversary of Maeve’s death. Things were different now but I felt the need to be there, in front of her grave. I was lucky enough not having a new case that morning and asking just mid day off. I told (Y/N) and she asked if I need company. I said no and she understood.

It was weird talk to her grave but I did it anyway.

“Hey. One more year has passed. And I have been ungrateful not to come before. You know, work ... well, you know well that sometimes it's better than others. _I'd be lying if I told you I don't miss you_. It would also be a lie if I said I have not tried to move on in my life. I don't want you to be disappointed in me. Every day I wake up and promise myself to be a better person. To live on my terms. I haven't done it alone, you know? _(Y/N) has been with me_. And me with her. Knowing that you can count on someone in that way is satisfying. I know we both could have achieved something like that, perhaps. My thoughts sometimes catch me in an eternal _‘what if’_. But it doesn't make sense, does it?. The human mind has the ability to fool itself. You would know it too.

Maybe my head keeps wandering because I can't tell if it’s possible to love two persons at the same time. I mean, loving in the past tense and loving in the present tense are different things, I know. But _it's loving_ , right?

I'm pretty sure I love (Y/N), the way I feel for her is something special. And although I had a hard time accepting it, I'm sure. But _... I don't know if I've stopped loving you_. Is that possible?. Sometimes it turns in my head and even with my high IQ I have not been able to decipher it.

There are days when I wake up and I think I can hear you talk about how cells have their own awakening every morning. And I can't help but smile. Then I look to my side and see (Y/N) sleeping peacefully next to me, and _my heart fills_.

Do you hate me for that? For being with another woman? I hope not. You are not selfish... you weren’t selfish. Like I do.

Would (Y/N) hate me for that? _To know that I still think of you?._ I would hope not either. But why do I feel bad saying this?

I want to think that things have evolved to allow me to be... happy?. I want to be happy.

 _If you were here_ we could have done it, right? I guess so.

I still want to be happy. And I want to make (Y/N) happy. I want to continue loving her, I want to protect her, I want to be with her. Sometimes I wonder if I really deserve her. If she deserves someone with this burden on his shoulders. She has her own burdens and I would take them without hesitation, but I feel like it's not fair for her to carry mine. Oh Maeve, why do I have to complicate everything?”

I was relieved after speaking to her grave. I don’t know why. Sometimes my head runs faster than my words and trying to say what I feel is often a constant problem. This was no exception. I thought of all of JJ and Morgan's apprehensions. Sometimes I have wondered what they doubt the most: if _I really let Maeve go_ or if _I really love (Y/N)_. About the second they shouldn’t have doubts. I don't have it either. But regarding the first... just... I don´t know.

When I got back to the bullpen there were no questions from anyone. I had only told (Y/N) where I was going, but sure the rest of the team knew too. Just in that moment I thought if I might have made (Y/N) uncomfortable with it: _her boyfriend visiting his ex’s grave on the anniversary of her dead_. I didn't think about it before, she didn't protest or tell me about it either. I didn't want to ask her either. We follow the day as if nothing had happened.

As the days passed I almost forgot my thoughts about that. With (Y/N) things were good. There were whole days where we looked like _lovebirds_ whispering _‘I love you’_ whenever we could and we had some space of privacy. I felt the butterflies in my stomach every time that happened or when we gave each other a furtive kiss, or when we woke up hugging in the morning or after making love. Even in ordinary things like having breakfast together or walking after work or in the park on days off. It was so easy to be together.

One night we were having dinner at her apartment. We had ordered Chinese food since neither of them wanted to cook. (Y/N)'s phone started ringing. I looked at her curiously, she shrugged and took the device. When she saw who was calling she frowned.

“Hotch. Hi. What is it?... Spencer? Yeah, he’s here with me.... What did you say?... Oh. Okay. You want me to... yeah, I understand. I’ll talk to him. Yeah, I guess we’re going to be there soon. As soon as possible. I’ll let you know. Bye”. She hung up looking at me with an expression that I couldn’t figure out immediately.

“(Y/N)?... what’s wrong? What did Hotch tell you?”

“Spencer, baby. I have to tell you something...”

“What’s it? C’mon (Y/N), just spill it out!, you’re scaring me,” I tried to decipher what was happening without a clue.

“It’s Gideon...”

“Gideon?, what about Gideon?”

“He _is dead_. And... we need to go there. Spencer, _he was murdered_ ”. (Y/N) tried to studied my micro expressions looking for a sign about how I was taking the news. I froze. I never expected something like that, ever. But, hey... it’s me, Spencer Reid. There were a lot of things that I didn’t expect to experience in my life. I guess this is another one.

———————

_“Love is tragic, love is bold, you will always do what you were told_

_Love is hard, love is strong, you will never say that you belong…”_

———————


	9. Here Is Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Reader navigate between ups and downs. Life together seems pretty good until it doesn’t

——————–

_“I’m not the one who broke you_

_I’m not the one you should fear_

_We got to move you darling_

_I thought I lost you somewhere_

_But you were never really ever there at all…”_

——————–

In my time at the FBI I heard many stories about Jason Gideon. I only got the chance to see him in one of my classes at the academy. When I joined to the BAU he had already left. Still, I knew how important he had been to the unit and to Spencer in particular. While we rarely talked about Gideon’s leaving, I was sure this would affect Spencer more than we might have expected.

The trip to the cabin was almost entirely silent. I rarely asked Spencer anything. I could see how he was immersed in his thoughts, in his own memories. When we arrived I parked the car and turned off the engine. He didn’t noticed.

“Hey, Spencer. We already arrived,” I told Spencer in hushed voice to no startled him. He looked at me still dazed, realizing that the car was no longer moving.

“Oh. Okay…,” he mumbled.

“Are you okay?”. It was a question that he wouldn’t answer with complete honesty, but I needed to check anyway. Spencer was silent for a few moments wondering what he was going to say to me. I took his hand and started stroking it with my thumb trying to encourage him to tell me the truth.

“I - I don’t know. Would… would you mind go first? I need a minute…,” he asked me trying to collect himself. I didn’t want to leave him alone, but he needed his space and I wasn’t going to deny him that either.

“If you need it, I could do that. But… are you sure? I can stay here with you for a while”. I offered. Spencer shook his head.

“You can go. I’ll join to you in a few minutes. _Please_?”. His voice small and distant.

“Of course. Whatever you need. I’ll be inside”. I assured him before stepping out the car.

I don’t know which of all the faces I saw was the most distressed: Rossi with his eyes downcast seeing the body covered with a sheet. Hotch with his exacerbated seriousness, JJ with teary eyes. Morgan in shock. Penelope in denial. Callahan was the only one in a respectful silence. She was the one I approached first.

“Where is Spence?,” JJ hastened to ask looking at me.

“He’s in the car. He needed a minute and will be here soon,” I replied quietly. Hotch gave me a look that I knew exactly what it meant. I just shook my head, responding with my expression: ‘he’s not taking it well at all’. Hotch understood.

When Spencer come into the cabin he saw us all surrounding Gideon’s covered body. We all turned our eyes to him. It was evident he had been crying in the car. My heart ached for him but I didn’t know what else to do.

Nobody said anything. There were only looks of sadness and - even - disbelief. Spencer avoided my gaze and left cabin suddenly. It was too much for him. I took that as my hint I should go after him.

I found him a few meters from the entrance. Halfway between the cabin and my car. I stood in front of him and without saying any word I hugged him. He buried his head on my shoulder and hugged me tight. Muffled sobs came from his throat.

“It’s okay. Spencer. It’s okay…,” I repeated over and over stroking his hair. It was like a sad _deja vu_. “I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry. I know he meant a lot…”. I saw JJ and Morgan in the porch looking us. They gave me a sad look and a tacit message: _‘Please, take care of him’_.

“I never thought… I never thought he would end like this. It’s unfair…,” Spencer mumbled muffling his words on my shoulder.

“I know, Spencer. That’s why we need to focus… and work hard to find the _son of the bitch_ who did this. We’ll catch him. I promise”.

And boy did we work to figure out what had happened. That even gained us a heated discussion with Spencer in the process.

“Gideon would never do that. He wouldn’t have been so reckless,”. Spencer snapped when I suggested the unsub had taken advantage of a possible Gideon’s mistake to tracking him and then follow him to the cabin.

“Spencer. I know Gideon knew what he was doing, but it may be he underestimated the unsub, thinking that he had some kind of physical restraint or something like that”. I tried to insist in my point.

“He would have noticed (Y/N)!”. He shouted back.

“But if he didn’t?”. Evidence could support my point but I felt awful arguing with Spencer knowing the bad time that he was going through.

“No. It couldn’t be possible. It’s ridiculous!”. This time he raised his voice and started to argue with exasperation.

“Reid. (Y/L/N),” Hotch warned to stop our argument. At that moment only Rossi and JJ were present.

Spencer left the cabin with notorious angry. JJ went after him. I stayed. I really didn’t want to argue with him, but his judgment was compromised in the case. Rossi gave me a look full of empathy. Hotch said nothing about the discussion. Instead he asked me to go where Garcia and Callahan were to find out more about the unsub’s disability theory. I just nodded and did exactly he asked.

It wasn’t until hours after the incident that we managed to get a solid clue as to who the unsub was and where to find him. We all got into the SUVs and did go to catch him. We arrived in time to rescue a potential new victim. The unsub resisted the arrest so Rossi himself killed him with a gunshot. That was the end of Gideon’s killer.

The return home was silent. There was relief, but that didn’t take away the sadness of having lost one of the team, even if he hadn’t been around for years. I didn’t have any word with Spencer after the incident hours ago. I drove my car with Rossi. Spencer left in one of the SUVs with JJ and Morgan. When we came into the bullpen, Hotch just sent us home. Others would do the paperwork. The next day would be Gideon’s funeral.

As I waited for the elevator, Spencer approached hesitantly. The truth was I couldn’t be upset with him after all, I just didn’t want to argue again and I knew he needed his space. Seeing him uncomfortable and silent, I spoke to him.

“You need a ride?”. He looked at me confused. Possibly he was expecting any other question except that one.

“Ehm. If you don’t mind… thank you,” he murmured.

“Okay. Let’s go”.

Another silent trip. Spencer looking at the window. I focused in the road but time to time I checked on him. I knew he wanted to say something but I wouldn’t push him to do it. When we arrived to his building I turned off the engine and before I could say anything Spencer started talking.

“(Y/N)… I own you an apology. You’re were right about the case…,” he said softly with eyes fixed in his shoes.

“Spencer…,” I tried to stop him. He didn’t.

“I’m sorry. I yelled at you and that wasn’t right. You didn’t deserve that kind of behavior from me…”. Spencer continued with his apology, this time no avoiding my gaze.

“Spencer. I get it. I’m not mad at you. Just a bit sad but I get it, really. This is not easy for you. We are talking about Gideon…”.

“It’s not easy. But… is not a valid excuse either. You were doing your job. And you tried to comfort me… was not _fair_ ”.

“Hey. It’s okay. Don’t think about it. I really appreciate your apology. That’s mean you care. Thank you”. I didn’t mean to sound dramatic but I also wanted to let him know I was grateful that he had noticed about _his reaction_ in the cabin hours prior.

“Of course I care. Don’t think I don’t. I love you, please remember that,” he said holding my hand and squeezing it.

“I love you too. And I’m so sorry this is happening. But… we are together on this, _you don’t need to do this alone_ ”.

“I know… I know… and thank you”. Still holding hands we were quiet for a moment. Both looking at the car window how rain started to fall. “(Y/N)?…”

“Yeah?,” I replied turning my gaze to him.

“Could you… stay with me tonight?”. As I looked at him I found his watery eyes fixed on me.

“Of course I can”.

After Gideon’s funeral, cases at the BAU started to arrive one after another. If we believe in the precept that keeping busy is a way to grieve, this was a unique opportunity for the team. There was seldom mention of what happened. We just assume that closing the case should be enough.

Sometimes I tried to talk to Spencer about it. He kept telling me over and over that he was getting better every day. He only allowed himself to cry openly in front of me again on funeral’s day when we returned to my apartment. After that, only the sadness in his eyes was visible. Sadness dissipated partially after weeks and months.

|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/

The afternoon Kate announced she was leaving the team, I didn’t blame her at all, and I fully understood her reasons. After her niece’s kidnapping and her shortly son’s birth, it was clear what her priorities were. Rossi organized a departure dinner for her at his home.

The same night as Kate’s departure dinner, JJ announced _she was pregnant_. Congratulations and hugs abounded when we heard the news. Spencer was ecstatic knowing that he would have a second godson or goddaughter. There were good news after months of gray days.

A couple of days later we were called to a case in Texas. The memory of what happened the last time we were there made my stomach clench. Spencer could tell I was restless the whole time but he didn’t want to pressure me. Surely he had guessed. The night we came back from the case, we decided to go to his apartment. Sitting on the couch after having a quick dinner, I still felt uneasy.

“Are you okay?”, Spencer asked in quiet voice to not startle me.

“Yeah, I think so…”

“What is bothering you?, the case?,” he asked again.

“I don’t know… I still feel something in my guts. The last time we were in Texas… you got…,” I trailed off.

“Hey. It’s okay. Everything is okay”. I felt his arms around me trying to sooth me.

“Now it is, but I couldn’t help it. I’m sorry…,” I muttered.

“Nothing to apologize,” he said kissing my forehead and hugging me tightly.

We embraced each other in silence for a while, until Spencer got up from the couch and headed to one the shelves. I looked at him curiously as he searched for a record to put in his record player. Soon one of my favorite _Etta James_ songs started playing. He looked at me with a smile and held out his hand for me to get up.

“What are you doing?,” I asked confused.

“You always complain about me not dancing. Well, now I want to dance with you,” he said simply. I giggled in disbelief.

“Who are you and what you did with my boyfriend?,” I asked frowning.

“C’ mere you skeptical girl…”. Spencer pulled me until my chest collapsed to his. With one hand on my hips and the other linking my fingers. We started to swinging across in his living room.

Both were giggling seeing our not-coordinated movements, but nothing of that were a problem, I could relaxed and enjoyed the moment. I know he did it on purpose and I really appreciated the gesture. I became to the realization Spencer had me _wrapped around his finger_. I sighed deeply and Spencer parted lightly to look at me.

“What was that?”

“Eh… nothing… was a pleasure sigh. This feel good…,” I mumbled muffling my voice in his chest. I felt him smirk kissing the top of my head.

“I’m glad you feel good. I feel good too…”

We continued swinging slowly in our embrace. Minutes later Spencer spoke again.

“(Y/N)?”

“Yeah?,” you could tell he was nervous, clearing his throat before continuing.

“You… ehm… I want to ask you something…,” he trailed off.

“Of course. Just ask,” I replied tightening my arms around him.

“Ehm… do you want _to move in with me_?”, he blurted out. I parted to look at him.

“What?”. My reaction didn’t help him to his tension.

“I mean… would you… like to move in with me?… well… if you don’t want it’s okay… I’m just…,” he tried to correct himself. I felt speechless for a while.

“You want to? Are you sure?,” I hastened to ask.

“Ehm, yeah. I’m pretty sure. We… have been together for a while and… I want to take the next step… with you…”.

Of course I had thought about that. After more than a year of relationship, the idea of living together was a reasonable thing to do after all. But something in my gut was telling me that maybe it wasn’t a good idea. I couldn’t say what specifically made me hesitate. I loved Spencer and things were good between us. Maybe too good?

“Spencer…,” I tried to collect my ideas after giving him an answer.

“What do you say?,” his eyes fixed on me. Those beautiful brown eyes. God, I loved those eyes and the man who belong its. Love. Too much love. Of course I wanted to be with him. The rest of my life, to be honest. _‘C’mon (Y/N)! Why so scared?’_ , I told myself.

“I say… yes. _Yes_. I want to move in with you,” I blurted out. The smile in his face was priceless.

After the words left my mouth, all doubts were gone. He hugged me tight and we kissed to seal that sweet moment.

We decided it was better for me to move into his apartment. It was bigger than mine. Eventually we might look for a bigger one later. It wasn’t a big problem since I didn’t have so many things after all. After two weeks I was already fully installed living with Spencer. The first night it was like we were newly married: romantic dinner, dancing by candlelight, and the best sex in weeks.

It really felt like I was on a honeymoon phase with Spencer. It didn’t seem difficult to live with him. We practically spent all our time together, so the routine at home didn’t seem like such a difficult thing either. But the honeymoon phase has to end at some point. I didn’t anticipate that until a few months later.

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JJ gave birth to a beautiful boy. As soon as the news broke at the BAU, everyone wanted to go visit the newborn. The most excited was Spencer, who wanted to meet his new godson. The hospital visit was relatively short, nor was it the idea to overwhelm JJ with so many people around. Spencer promised to visit her when she back at home.

So after the first month, Spencer asked me to go with her to see JJ and Michael. By now everyone knew we were living together and it seemed like no problem for anyone, even Morgan and JJ didn’t look complicated with that, which was a great relief for Spencer. In my case, it was never a major concern, however, Spencer did care.

Will opened the door for us that afternoon. You could see the lack of sleep hours on his face. However, his smile was indelible.

“(Y/N), Spence. Nice to see you guys. JJ is in the living room with Michael,” he said inviting us inside the house.

JJ was swinging little Michael who seemed to be recently asleep. When she saw us she smiled and gestured to come closer.

The little boy looked beautiful in his mother’s arms. Neither Spencer nor I could hide our smile at the scene.

“How has everything been with this new little one?,” Spencer asked in a whisper without taking his eyes off the baby.

“Good. I must honestly say I had forgotten what it was like to not sleep in days… but we have been adjusting. The same was with Henry,” JJ said, looking at the little boy as well.

“And how has Henry doing now that his brother is in home?,” I asked.

“Much better than we expected. He was something distant during the pregnancy and we were afraid it would be worse when Michael was born. But with his brother here it has been the opposite. He cares about him and me. He try to help us too. He’s a charm as older brother,” JJ said proud of her son.

“I’m glad…,” I replied sincerely.

“And you guys? how have you been?,” JJ asked looking at Spencer and me.

“We are fine. Well, the BAU full of cases as always…,” Spencer explained.

“I can imagine. And with no full team… I’m sorry…” JJ tried to apologize.

“No, don’t be sorry. You have every right to be with your family in this moment,” I hastened to reply. She didn’t have to feel guilty for not be working.

“Thanks guys,” JJ said as she looked Michael moving in her arms opening his eyes. “Oh, I see you woke up to see your godparent, _right little one_?,” she cooed looking at Spencer. “Do you want to hold him?,” she asked.

“Are you sure?,” Spencer asked hesitating.

“Sure, Spence. Besides, a little break would do good to me,” JJ assured him.

“Oh okay!,” more excited than he already was, Spencer took the little boy in his arms and began rocking him. He looked at me beaming. Little Michael seemed comfortable in his arms. JJ seeing that Spencer could handle his godson, got up from the couch.

“(Y/N)?, will you come with me to the kitchen? I want to prepare some snacks,” she told me.

“Yeah, sure”

In the kitchen I could feel JJ wanted to say something but she was to distracted gathering things from the cupboards and fridge. When JJ gathered all the things she was looking for, she was ready to talk.

“(Y/N)… I wanted talk to you some time ago…,” she trailed off.

“Yeah?, about what?,” I asked.

“I owe you a big apology…,” she said looking at me putting her hand over the counter.

“JJ, what are you talking about?…,” I replied narrowing my eyes.

“Well. The truth is I didn’t treat you nicely since I realized you and Spencer were together. And all these time I thought about that. I feel terrible for the things I told you and Spencer. They were really out of place,” she recognized.

“JJ… it’s not necessary. I can understand…”. Did I?. Did I really understand it? To be honest, Morgan and JJ’s behavior seemed excessive to me and although I understood that they wanted to protect Spencer, that was no excuse to cast doubt on me.

“Yeah. It’s necessary. I … I misjudged you. I’m sorry…”

“Why this change?,” I asked with real interest. With Spencer we had already been in a relationship for more than a year.

“You’re right. I think I let a lot of time go by for this apology. It’s just that after seeing you together all this time I realized how much you love each other. And I was hesitant at first because Maeve was recent and I had never seen Spence like this… so vulnerable…,” she tried to explain.

“And you thought I was trying to take advantage of his vulnerability…,” I interrupted.

“I don’t know if _taking advantage_ is exactly what I thought, but maybe you were both misreading things…”

“What do you mean with that?”

“He was looking for comfort and you gave it to him. Friends do that…”

“And that’s why we’re friends. But things were moving in another direction…”

“That’s what I see now, that’s why I wanted to apologize. My behavior was inappropriate, and I feel bad because I should have been more understanding from the beginning.” Yes, she was right, being Spencer’s friend she should have been more receptive, but what’s done is done.

“Okay. I accept the apologies. Thank you JJ,” I said honestly.

“Thanks to you. And I’m really glad to see you guys happy and moving forward in your relationship. I wouldn’t be surprised if Spencer asked you _to marry him and have children soon,_ ” JJ said laughing.

I think _I froze for a few seconds_. Seeing my face, JJ got worried.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so bold… it’s just knowing that Spencer has always wanted a family like the one he couldn’t have… I’m sorry (Y/N), I shouldn’t be saying these things,” she tried to correct herself.

“Okay JJ, don’t worry. It’s just that we haven’t talked about it with Spencer yet. I guess there’ll be time for that,” I replied in the most diplomatic way possible.

I know that JJ’s words did not hide any bad intentions, but I couldn’t help thinking about them. Just like the idea of moving in together, eventually if things continued in right path we could talk about wedding and children. Up to this point neither of us had addressed the issue. Nor had I thought much about it up to that minute. None of the previous relationships that I had left room for those questions in my mind. Until now? Yeah, until now.

But apparently Spencer had been thinking about it for a while. One night we were in our bed after arriving from a case in Mississippi. It had been a long case, which had us stumbling around for 6 days looking for the unsub. The ending had been relatively good, we managed to reunite a child with his abducted mother. This kind of things made worth the long and tiring days.

“(Y/N)… do you want kids?”, he asked suddenly. After some seconds of silences I dared to speak.

“Kids?… yeah. I guess, someday. Sure”. I tried to keep my surprise unnoticed. I also didn’t know if I wanted to have that conversation at the moment.

“ _Someday_ …,” he repeated, as if he was pondering the implications of my answer.

“Yes. I guess is something important so you have to think seriously about it before make a decision. Don’t you think?”.

Well, we apparently _will have this conversation now_.

“Yeah. I agree. But… do you want? Eventually?”. He lifted my chin to look at me.

I felt vulnerable. I knew he could see exactly what I was thinking so I couldn´t lie about that.

“Ehm. If I need to be honest… that _scares me a little_ …,” I confessed.

Well, it’s Spencer, he could understand, no?

“Why? You would be an excellent mom (Y/N)…,” he tried to reassure me. But this was something really serious, there was no enough _reassurance_ he could provide to do the trick.

“Are you kidding me Spencer? Have you seen me? I’m not the mother-type as JJ you know that…,” I trailed off.

I didn’t want to sound pathetic or like a woman lacking self-esteem, but I was just referring to facts. And it was true. Neither in my youth nor in the years of adulthood that I carried could I say that I had developed my maternal instinct. On the other hand, bringing a new life into the world was not something to take lightly. More thinking about the type of job we both had.

“I didn’t know you feel this way regard this. (Y/N), you don’t need to be like JJ, _you’re enough being yourself_ ,” he told me, sitting up on the bed and leaning his back on the backrest. I also sat on the bed, facing him, lifting my knees and putting my arms around them.

“I don’t know, Spencer. But… what if maybe _that plan finally doesn’t fit in my life_ after all?… ”.

I knew I was treading dangerous ground by saying that, but I wanted to be honest with him. I could immediately see his disappointed face. He didn’t need to say anything about it. It was all written in his face: furrowed brow, clenched jaw, pursed lips. Yes, I had done that and my stomach was clenching to see him like that.

“Oh. Well, in that case…,” that was the only thing he said. We were both silent for a long time. But this could not be halfway, we had to reach a point in this conversation.

“Spencer. What’s wrong? All those questions… I know eventually we should discuss about that but now?, why?”. I boldly tried to take his hand, he subtly rejected it.

“It’s nothing…,” he mumbled avoiding my gaze.

“Spencer?, please… what’s in your mind?,” I tried again. He let out a sigh, dropping his head back and staring at the ceiling for a few seconds before looking back at me.

“You know… I’ve been thinking for a while and… I came to the conclusion that it’s something I would like to do. I mean, it’s no surprise that over the years I increasingly like children and the idea of having my own kids seduces me a lot. More if I think I would like to have them with you,” he stated. I couldn’t hide a smile. This time when I tried to hold his hand he let me do it.

“We can do that in the future. We don’t need to rush, or do you want to have them now?…”

“No. I mean… not right now… but… I don’t know, you told me now you are not sure about that,” he stuttered a little. It hurt my heart to see him nervous about it. I know he expected me to throw myself into his arms and say _yes_ immediately, but it wasn’t realistic.

“You’re right. In this moment I’m not sure but that’s why we need to talk about that and we’re doing that now,” I said tracing soothing paths in his knuckles with my thumb. “Are you upset with my answer?, you can tell me…”

“Not upset. Kind of sad maybe?, I… I expected you to be in the same page about that. That’s all. But it’s okay. I understand,” he tried to assured me.

“Spencer, you know I love you. More than anything but you stopped to think how we can raise a child with our jobs ?,” I tried to reason with him.

“I know we can manage. JJ and Will can,” he said simply.

“Yeah. JJ has Will who is willing to do all the sacrifices sometimes”. I knew that answer could be trigger a bad response, but I didn’t have a better one.

“That is not fair. JJ also makes sacrifices…”

“I know, I know. But think of it this way, they don’t have the same job. We do. Eventually we would have to make decisions about it. Are you willing to quit your job for your child?”. Spencer thought for a few seconds.

“Nobody has to quit their job for that (Y/N)… we just have to… adapt”.

“I wish it were that simple, Spencer. Love, I’m sorry to be the killjoy on this, but I promised I would always be honest with you. And more in this that is so important”. Spencer sighed and bit his lower lip, a sign that he understood what I was saying.

“I know. I know and get it. But just think about it, okay?, just imagine a few mini (Y/N)’s and mini Spencer’s running around the house, okay?”. That image on my mind made me smile.

“Okay, I promise to think about it. I love you, never forget that”. I said as I lean forward to kiss him.

“And I love you,” he replied in my lips.

|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/|/

Without JJ and without Kate work was uphill. It wasn’t until Tara Lewis joined the team that we were able to get back to some normalcy. That drained a lot of energy from all of us. The cases kept coming nonstop and that had us practically traveling every week.

On the nights we could get home with Spencer, the energy was enough to eat something and then fall asleep until the next morning.

There were few mornings that we could have breakfast together without rushing. Few days when we could afford to go out to dinner or walk in the park. Our routine together became monotonous and exhaustion led to long silences between us.

“Do you want to do something today?”. I asked one morning over breakfast. It was Saturday and strangely we had the day off.

“I don’t know. I’d stay home reading. I don’t have energy for anything else,” Spencer answered, concentrating on one of the many print newspapers he liked to read in the mornings.

“Spencer, we did the same thing last Saturday we had off. We could do something different,” I tried to insist, not that I had something in mind, just that the idea of doing anything else seemed more attractive to me than staying another weekend at home. Spencer frowned and this time looked at me.

“You’ve never complained about spending time at home…,” he murmured trying to read my face.

“I’m not complaining about that, Spencer. I like being at home, it’s just… lately we’ve only gone from home to BAU and from BAU to home. It’s the same routine we’ve been running for weeks,” I tried to explain.

“I don’t know (Y/N), I really would rather stay home today”.

Well, apparently _I wasn’t going to win the battle today_.

“Okay…,” I replied with a shrug and sipping my coffee.

“But… if you want to go out or make plans without me, that’s fine. I understand if you want to spend time away from here,” Spencer stated, turning his concentration back to the newspaper.

“Are you sure?”. This time it was my turn to frow.

“Yes, of course. Why not ?,” Spencer replied, casually.

Okay, this was a _complex scenario_. Not because we weren’t able to have a life individually or beyond our relationship. Not because we couldn’t have our personal space. There were times when Spencer would go out with Derek or part of the BAU without me being there. There were times I could go out with Pen and Tara for drinks. Even with some of my friends from the academy when there was some special celebration.

The difficulty of the current situation was that having these personal time was taking away the little time that we were having as a couple in the last period. Seeing each other at work and working together was not the same. And where do we begin to resent this?: _in our communication_. With Spencer we started to talk less and less.

Maybe I was overstressing. That’s what I thought the times the idea came back to my mind. This should be normal. It must happen to all couples that reach a point where things are not as they were at the beginning. Again, I couldn’t answer that question from my own experience, having never gotten this far in a relationship. And the examples around me were contradictory so I didn’t have much to compare with.

Conclusion?: I took Spencer’s words and started to resume my social life when I could. I always tried to encourage Spencer to join in these activities but he preferred to spend time at home quietly reading.

Well. _There are interesting things about resuming social life_ : one of them is that you catch up on what is happening in people’s lives and come to the inference that your problems are not very different from those of most of them.

The bad thing?: return the vices that were suspended when you began to leave youth. I couldn’t say that in my past I had serious problems with alcohol. The times I got drunk when I was young were on average the same as any young girl my age. I only had a few critical episodes, and these were set specifically when Jill died. After that, nothing got to that extreme.

Now that I was trying to cope with work anxiety and tiredness in general, having a few more drinks didn’t seem like a bad thing to do.

I was having a good time and managed to forget part of the atrocities that we saw every day. That meant the strategy of going out was working.

Trying to get as far away from everyday life as possible, I reconnected with some friends from the academy. In particular, Rose and Steven. They also had jobs with weird schedules like mine, so they perfectly understood my lifestyle.

An important part of our conversations was precisely how to make a life work with jobs like ours. And how to make a relationship work that way too. Steven declared himself a loser because he had recently divorced his wife while Rose was constantly struggling to make her relationship with her girlfriend work.

When the topic turned to me, I only had words of love for Spencer. And in those moments I wanted so badly for him to be with me, trying to have a good time just like me, but I knew I couldn’t force him. His nature was different and I knew that.

“You really are in love, huh?”. Rose teased me every time I said something about Spencer.

“In the academy we never thought that you could fall for someone like this, (Y/N). It’s a real surprise,” Steven also teased me about it.

“If you knew him, you would know why,” was my usual response.

“Hopefully one day you can get him out of home,” Rose used to add a few times. I thought about it too, to be honest.

Outings with Rose and Steven became more frequent. Frequent as the job allowed. And given Spencer’s constant refusals to go with me, there came a point where I stopped inviting him. That made me sad. There were fewer and fewer things we did together outside of work. Even our intimate life was getting precarious. Sex started to be less frequent. But perhaps what I was missing the most were spontaneous hugs and kisses, those displays of affection that were an important thing for us.

I had never seen a bad attitude from Spencer the times I went out for drinks. However, one night I found out what he really thought about that. And it wasn’t good.

Some days before that fateful night, while we were having dinner, Spencer received a call from Las Vegas, from the sanitarium where his mother was. When the call ended, he wordlessly picked up the phone again and called Hotch to ask for a few days off saying he needed to travel to Las Vegas. When he cut the phone he realized that I was in front of him looking at him curiously.

“Did something happen?”. I dared to ask.

“I have to travel to Las Vegas”.

“Did something happen with your mom?”. I asked with concern.

“I’m not sure. I’ll know more when I’m there,” he replied barely looking at me and starting to walk towards the room.

“I’ll go with you,” I pointed out, also getting up from the table to pack my suitcase. Spencer immediately rushed to stop me.

“No, (Y/N). I need to go alone”.

“Why? I want to go with you, if it’s something important I don’t want you to be alone,” I tried to insist.

“The team doesn’t need two less agents right now, you’d better stay…”

“Spencer, what is happening?”. I was sure the main reason for his refusal was not because the team was left without two agents.

“Please (Y/N). I need to go alone.”

I didn’t keep insisting. There was no purpose in it, Spencer wouldn’t tell me what was going on. His trip took him out of town for a week. At least he had the decency to call me every few days and tell me that he was fine and that his mother was changing her medication and was in the observation stage. At least that left me a little calmer, but I could have bet there was something else he wasn’t telling me. Just as it was becoming a habit in recent months. I didn’t pry.

Nor did I pry when he returned home after the trip. His words were only _‘she has not reacted to the medicine as well as we wanted, but it is assumed that it will improve with time’_. At least Spencer let me hold him that night as a way to comfort him.

I didn’t know what really happened until a few days later, when we mounted an operation to dismantle a criminal organization that the team had been tracking in recent months and that had poor Penelope literally living in the offices of the FBI. When we managed to identify the members of the organization, we only needed to catch the bomb expert and one of the deadliest murderers that we have ever known.

Part of the plan to lure her in was for Spencer had to pretend to be a husband willing to hire a woman to ‘get rid of’ his wife. Despite the precautions, the unsub knew it was a trap. Her escape plan considered the possibility of blow a bomb. Mobilized and stressed to the top, we managed to locate the partner who had the detonator. For his part, Spencer managed to convince the woman that he had located his missing father and that made the unsub lower her guard. But not before having to tell her how we came to discover the entire operation and all the questions the unsub wanted Spencer to answer. That was when I discovered that in the days he was in Las Vegas, he learned that _his mother, in addition to schizophrenia, had developed Alzheimer’s_ , and there were even times when she was not able to recognize him. That broke my heart. The more hurt me was to realize that he didn’t want or couldn’t share any of that with me.

When it was all over, each member of the team headed home for a well-deserved rest. Once in the apartment we ate something and then settled on the sofa to watch some television. Spencer was quieter than usual. I thought I knew why, but at this point I was afraid to ask. But I couldn’t help it, it hurt to see him like this.

“Hey, are you okay?”. I asked. I was curled up on the couch, with my head on his lap. He was stroking one of my cheeks, playing with my hair every so often.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he replied without adding anything else and without taking his eyes off the TV.

“You were outstanding today, Spencer, you did a very good job,” I tried to broach the subject from another flank.

“Thank you (Y/N), but we all did a good job,” he stated, still not wanting to look at me.

_God, it got worse and worse trying to talk to him!_

“There is something that is bothering you, what is it?”. I wasn’t going to be subtle anymore.

“I already told you… nothing is…”. Before he finished the sentence, I got up from my position on the couch to face him.

“Don’t even try to say it. It’s enough Spencer!. I’m already starting to get sick of you not telling me the things that are happening to you. I’m getting tired of not knowing what’s wrong with you!”

And raising my voice was what I had to do to get his full attention this time.

“What do you want me to tell you (Y/N)?, ah?, what’s wrong with me?, I’m tired! _That’s you want to hear_?. We had an exhausting case. And so the previous one, and the previous one. But I honestly don’t know why you care about me now”. He started to yell.

“Stop right there!, first of all, _it’s not about what I want to hear but what really happens to you_. The truth Spencer. If you’re tired, then tell me that. If you’re angry, tell me that too. I want to know. And secondly, where the fuck did you get the idea I don’t care what happens to you? I’m always asking you things but you don’t tell me anything!. You didn’t tell me about your mom! I found out tonight when you told that bitch!”. I had my arms folded over my chest, trying to regain some composure, but failing miserably.

“It wasn’t supposed to be something I was expected to say, but I had to do it for the case, not because I wanted to,” he fight back.

“Why not Spencer? I know it’s something hard Spencer and if you didn’t want to tell the team I get it. But why not me? _I’m your fucking girlfriend_!”

“Well, maybe because I didn’t want to tell you either. I don’t need to tell you everything (Y/N)!”

“I can’t understand why you don’t trust me anymore. Are you angry with me for something? Did I do something wrong? How couldn’t I realize?,” some tears started to appear from the corner of my eyes.

“Maybe because you’re not here…,” he replied dryly and with almost no expression on his face.

“What’s supposed that means?,” I asked back. He couldn’t be serious.

“I think it’s pretty clear. Every chance you have you sneaked from here with your new friends, you never stay”. Now he had his arms crossed over his chest and his back leaned against one of the walls.

“Ah, that’s the true problem, isn’t?”. I was falling into the realization that his annoyance was that while I was away from home having a good time he was alone in the apartment.

“You’re putting it like a problem (Y/N), not me. I just telling facts”. Spencer wasn’t yelling anymore, but that calm, poisonous, neutral voice infuriated me more than when he was shouting minutes before.

“You’re being unfair Spencer. You don’t want to go out with me. What’s supposed I should do? Staying here watching you immerse yourself in your books in silence, without even noticing my presence?”

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” he replied in his calmer voice.

“No, you didn’t. And if I remember correctly it was you who encouraged me to go out in first place”. I tried to defend myself.

“Yeah, maybe. Maybe because I thought you will behave yourself…”. The moment those words left his mouth I could notice an immediate change of mood on him. It seemed to be something he didn’t want to say in the first place. But it was done.

“Excuse me? I’m not behaving myself? What did that come from?”

“(Y/N)… better drop it”. Spencer tried to get our discussion off at that point, but no, I wasn’t in the mood to leave things unsaid.

“No, Spencer. I’m not dropping anything right now. God! It took me _weeks even months_ to you talk about your true annoyance!…”

“Stop it (Y/N), I don’t want to argue with you”. He insisted. He was more tense, he had his fists clenched at the sides of his body. His jaw clenched too, frowning, eyes avoiding making contact with mine.

“Well, what if I want to argue with you? I think it’s better than nothing!”

“You don’t know what are you asking for, do you?”. Again, the sassiest and sarcastic Spencer appeared.

“Just spill it out! What’s is your problem with me?!”. For me there was no going back. I just wanted the truth. Until he snapped.

“Jeez (Y/N)! These months every fucking time you hang out with your friends you came back home _drunk_! What’s wrong with you? You can’t even control yourself?”. A sense of relief was evident in him after saying it. How long had that been inside him?

“What?!… that’s not true!”. I tried to refute.

“Am I lying (Y/N)?”

I quickly tried to remember the last few months. Nothing was out of the ordinary. But I began to remember that there were some gaps on one of those nights. Nights I thought I had come home, Spencer sleeping and me laying down next to him and immediately falling asleep. Hadn’t it always been like this?

“I didn’t come home drunk! Of course I took some drinks and maybe got tipsy but I never…”

“Are you sure?… you can’t even remember that (Y/N)…”. His voice weakened as he remembered those nights that I couldn’t.

Some flashes began to parade through my mind: me in a bar bathroom emptying my stomach. Steven driving my car and dropping me off at the entrance of our building. Spencer in the early morning on the couch asking if I was okay. Me in the bathroom of the apartment emptying my stomach again.

“And… and you’re telling me this right now?… you saw me struggling and… didn’t do nothing?”.

I sat on the couch overwhelmed by everything that was coming to my head in just a few minutes. Why didn’t he tell me anything? Why didn’t he stop me?

“You’re an adult (Y/N)…,” he said simply.

“But… but you’re my boyfriend. We live together Spencer. I’m not trying to excuse myself but it seems if you don’t care…,” my sobbing growing harder and harder.

“I have enough problems (Y/N), don’t you think?”

I’d learned a number of things from Spencer in the years I’d known him, but it never ceased to amaze me how crude he could be with words. Did you really believe that I was not worth enough to be part of the ‘problems’ to take care of? Of course it was never my intention to become one, quite the contrary. And so far it seemed that things were turning out well. Okay, it seems like not anymore.

I don’t know if it was the realization of the rawness of his words or guilt or my pathetic state, but after a few minutes of silence, Spencer sat down next to me and tried to hug me. But I felt so gross, so devastated, so trampled that I couldn’t bear anyone’s touch.

“Don’t …,” I could barely say, getting up off the couch quickly.

“(Y/N), please…”. I could barely hear it. I started looking for my purse, car keys and my coat.

“Okay Spencer, I get it. Enjoy your problems by yourself”. I told him heading to the entrance.

“Where are you going?,” he asked quickly getting up from the couch and walking to where I was.

“It doesn’t matter. To get drunk, maybe. But don’t worry, according to you it’s something I always do and because I’m an adult I must take care for myself by myself”

“(Y/N)… c’mon. Stop being a child… please, come to sit. We can talk about this,” he offered.

“I’m sorry for your mom, Spencer. I’m really sorry. But I’m not staying here to be treated like this”

“(Y/N)… wait. Don’t do this,” he tried to grab my wrist but unsuccessfully.

“You need space. Okay, I’ll give you that”. They were my last words before going out and slamming the door.

I didn’t even stop to see if Spencer would come after me. Although it’s likely that he didn’t. At what point did I stop being worth so little to him? At what point did I become part of _‘all the rest of the world’_? It hurt, hurt more than even realizing that I was trying to deal with my problems in an unhealthy way. I was scared and lonely. It had been years since I had that feeling of vulnerability so raw.

I came to a bar. I called Rose and Steven. Rose was on a case out of town, Steven didn’t answer the phone. He texted me after he was on duty and couldn’t speak. So it was me against the world. Like so many times in my life. The tequila shots started to arrive at the bar counter where I was sitting. Little by little my throat went numb, as did my head. Was it true that I was out of control? I could not believe it. And if so, I could still work, it was not affecting my performance at job. Was this an excuse from Spencer for his behavior? He wouldn’t lie about something like that, would he? _Damn Spencer!_

At some point I looked at the time and it was 2 AM. I had no calls or messages from Spencer. Just a message from Rose saying she was worried about me. At 3 AM I was propped up on the bar counter. I couldn’t take any more drinks. My head was spinning and I think I couldn’t even coordinate my movements. I hadn’t lost consciousness, but my mind was a mixture of incoherent thoughts and memories. I lost count of how many men came up to keep me company. Everyone discarded with the best of my rough manners. I was not in that kind of plan. In fact, I wasn’t in any plan, I just wanted to stop feeling pain. At that moment the calls and messages began: _‘(Y/N), where are you?’, ‘(Y/N), please tell me where are you and I’ll pick up you’, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be insensitive’, ‘(Y/N), I’m worried, please answer the phone’._ Did he just now worry about where I was?. _Fuck it Reid_. Out of sheer anger, I asked the bartender for one more tequila. They were going to close the bar and I was the only one there. As I could, I paid my bill and stumbled out. Outside was cold as the Artic. I got in the car. I knew I couldn’t drive, but I didn’t know what I was going to do either. I closed my eyes and dropped my head on the steering wheel. Thousands of thoughts per second. Who was I kidding?, _I was always alone, I’ll be always be alone_. This is no different than 15 years ago. Spencer had been a nice story, but apparently just for me. I was pretty sure that _he would have preferred a thousand times that Maeve was alive instead of being stuck with me_. She surely would not have hesitated to give him a child. She would have understood his feelings better than I did. She would never have asked for an explanation. She wouldn’t be drunk outside a bar and comforting her boyfriend after learning that her mom had Alzheimer’s. Spencer never said any of that, but my gut was proving me right. Maybe it was time to end the dream and come back to reality.

———————

_“And I want to get free_

_Talk to me_

_I can feel you falling_

_And I wanted to be_

_All you need_

_Somehow here is gone…”_

———————


	10. Baby, Can I Hold You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will honesty between Spencer and Reader be enough to fix their problems?  
> Warnings: Some potential triggers, like alcohol issues or drugs. Drunk character. Arguments between characters. Implicit smut. Death of minor characters. Kidnapping. Important injuries in some characters.

——————–

_“Sorry_

_That is all that you can't say_

_Years gone by and still_

_Words don't come easily_

_Like sorry, like sorry…”_

——————–

Seated on the couch for hours, I waited. I waited for my theory to be true. I waited for (Y/N) to come back on her own. I stayed with the idea that she left for just a while to clear her mind, and then she would come back. I just waited. And time proved me wrong.

I had _screwed it up_. I said things I didn't want to say, and I didn't do the things I was supposed to do.

In my misery, I was making (Y/N) unhappy, and it was not fair. That was what I precisely wanted to prevent. I tried to avoid bringing her to my endless musings, to the worries that didn't let me sleep, to the fears that were coming back to haunt me like weak prey. Everything moved so fast and so slow at the same time. I skipped the moment when I started to fall aimlessly and turned to myself again.

I secretly knew the problems (Y/N) was facing now were my fault. The way she was managing her own emotions gave signals that I couldn’t notice in time. Or maybe I didn't want to see them in time. Of course, I should have said something; for sure, I should have done something before. But if she was guilty of not being physically in this relationship, I was guilty of not being in soul and conscience. My mind provided enough amount of denying to alert me that something was wrong between us.

After the unanswered messages and calls, my concern increased. What if something had happened to her? (Y/N) took her car keys. What if she couldn't drive right now? What if she was abandoned somewhere without knowing how to get out of there? I took my car's keys and started driving along the streets. From time to time, I redialed her number without luck.

I tried to remember the possible places I knew and where she could be. If she went for some drinks, she was likely with Rose and Steven, her friends from the academy. I didn't have their phones, though. _Fuck Reid!_ you can't even know how to reach your girlfriend's friends. _'Remember, Spencer. What places that she mentioned earlier, could she frequent?'_. I spotted some of them and began to visit them one by one. There were not many, but it had started to rain, and it would surely snow soon. That made driving more difficult.

Early January traffic in DC shouldn't be that overwhelming. Still, especially when you needed the streets to be clear, the opposite happened. Tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, I was trying to relieve tension and nervousness. I couldn't help but go over in my mind the hard words that came out of my mouth hours before: _'I have enough problems (Y/N), don't you think?'_. What the fuck was that? Who do you think you are, Spencer Reid?

Just retrieving it made me want to hit my head against a wall. It was unfair; it was arrogant; it was despicable. But was there a reasonable explanation for this? There was an explanation, but I don't know if that partially justified what happened.

I kept driving, and the rain began to fall incessantly. Contrast with the dryness which Las Vegas greeted me weeks before. The kind of dryness that accompanied one of the saddest days I have lived in years.

After years of trying to assume there was nothing that I could do to cure my mother's illness, now I had to learn to live with the fact that there would come a time when _my mom wouldn't be able to remember me_. That there would come a time when she would forget who I am and that she would forget to love me. Realizing that broke me in a thousand and one possible ways. But I wanted to face it alone. Why pull (Y/N) to that? Why drag her into that misery? I knew so well she had suffered her afflictions before me. I didn't want to be responsible for one more. But the result was worse than the measure.

I was negligent with (Y/N) and our relationship. I ended up hurting her when it was the least of the outcomes I wanted. Guilt was eating me alive now, and I just wanted to find her, I just wanted to hold her, I needed to tell her that I was sorry, she needs to know that I want to help her, and I didn't want to leave her alone.

After an hour of going through the possible places to find (Y/N), I reached a bar parking lot that was already closed. There was only one car parked there. When I got closer, I saw it was (Y/N)'s car. I immediately parked next to her car and quickly got out to see if she was inside. The windows were foggy from the rain and almost frosted from the early morning cold. I put my hands on the window to get a better look. My breathing suddenly stopped: (Y/N) had her head on the steering wheel. A terrible thought went through my head. I frantically started banging on the window. When I saw her lift her head slightly, I was able to breathe again.

"(Y/N)? are you okay?... please, baby, unlock de door…"

After a few minutes, I kept hitting the window. I didn’t know if the rain's noise let my blows be heard inside the car, so I insisted. I insisted until I received an answer.

"What do you want, Spencer? Leave me alone!"

"Hey, (Y/N), please open the door. You can't stay there; you're going to freeze."

"I don't care! Get out of here!"

"(Y/N). Please listen to me. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean the things I said..."

"But you said them! There's no going back, Reid!". She yelled at me without even wanting to look out the window.

_Reid_. She didn't use my last name since we became closest friends for over three years.

"I'm sorry. Really. Please come with me. We can talk at home. I promise to tell you the truth, not hide anything. Please..."

"You already said everything you had to say. You already said that I am a troublesome _drunk_ , and you don't want to deal with me..."

I don't know how much time passed. The rain kept falling, and I stayed trying to (Y/N) could open the car's door. I was soaking, but I didn't care. Could it be my insistence? Or her tiredness, but it worked. She opened the door and stepped out of the car. A frustrated sigh came out from her mouth. Now we both were standing under the rain looking at each other.

"What do you want, Reid? You can't leave me alone?" she complained in a slurred voice.

"No in this way. Please, come home with me. We can't talk here…". I offered.

"You _liar_. You don't want to talk, Spencer. Maybe I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid. You want to lecture on me. Oh yeah. That's it! That's what you want, you Mr. Integrity...". (Y/N) laughed shoving her hand to me. I tried to take it, but she dismissed it.

"It's not like that. We need to talk. We don't have to do it right now. But please, come with me, it's not safe for you to stay here. Just let me help. (Y/N), I'm sorry. I know this is my fault, and you have the right to be mad at me...". This time I was almost yelling because the pouring rain didn't let me listen to anything.

"Yeah! I'm so so so mad at you, _mister_. You have no idea..." she said, lifting her arms to the sky. Her sudden movement caused her to lose her balance and stumble forward. I quickly braced her with my arms to keep her from falling.

"Hey! I got you..." I mumbled. She didn't apart from me; instead, she started to cry, gripping my biceps for more balance.

"This... it's not okay, Spencer. _I hate you_! I- I hate... oh God, what am I doing?...," she sobbed, shaking her head while the rain was drenching her body and mine.

"Maybe it's not okay right now, but it will be. I promise... let's go home…"

I opened the passenger door and helped her into the car. I closed carefully so as not to hurt her. Then I went to her car, took the keys, and locked it. In the morning, I would take care of coming to get it or ask a tow-truck to pick it up. I got in the car, and (Y/N) had her head against the window without wanting to look at me. We were both soaked, but it didn't matter. I was more worried about being able to get to the apartment soon _to take care of her_. My shock and guilt only made me think about the woman's fragility next to me. I felt so responsible for making her suffer in this way.

The car trip was almost silent, interrupted by some sobs from (Y/N). I tried several times to hold her hand to comfort her but without success. She evaded it every time I tried.

When we got to the building, I parked the car and saw how (Y/N) opened her eyes in confusion. The window on her side fogged up with the steam from inside the vehicle contrasting with the cold outside. I got down quickly to help her. This time she let me hold her hand, but silently, without saying a word. The same was when entering the apartment. Neither of us opened our mouths. (Y/N) seemed to be a little soberer. She went straight to the bathroom and locked herself there. I headed to the bedroom to take off my wet clothes and dry myself with a towel. I hoped (Y/N) could take a shower even though I didn't know if she was sober enough for it. I cautiously peered into the bathroom and saw her sitting on the toilet seat, naked, staring at the floor.

"Can... you would let me help you?" She didn't respond and just nodded. I took that as my cue while I walked over to the shower and turned on the faucet. The hot water began to create steam in the bathroom. I stepped inside the shower stall first and then reached out to help her into the receptacle. She leaned against the wall and took my hand to keep her balance. Once inside, she positioned herself under the stream of hot water, closing her eyes. A heavy sigh rose from her chest. I got the shampoo and began to massage her hair. (Y/N) didn't open her eyes, but I could see tears fell down her cheeks.

I helped her out of the shower by wrapping her in a towel. Throughout the entire process, we were silent. In the bedroom, when I was going to help her look for her clothes, she stopped me.

"You can leave now, Spencer. I can change myself. Please." She told me softly.

"Okay. Do you want a cup of tea?" I offered.

"No. I would like to sleep right now,… if that's okay". (Y/N) seemed sober now. I doubted she wanted me sleeping by her side, so I didn't pry.

"Okay. Non-problem. I'll stay on the couch. If you need something…" I trailed off.

"Thank you." I grabbed some clothes and closed the door behind me, heading to the living room.

I lied on the couch, looking at the ceiling. What else could I do at that moment? I wanted to fix things, but I needed to wait. I was giving (Y/N) some space for this night. Hopefully, in the morning, we can talk about it. In the meantime, I kept replaying (Y/N)'s words in my brain. _How did we get into this?_ She is my best friend on top of everything, and I love her. I'd do anything for her, wouldn't I? Why I had doubts now? What is hurting me the most? Of course, I care about her but is that enough? Why I pushed myself off from her?

Maybe we rushed things. Perhaps we weren't ready to build a life together yet. Or possibly we never will be prepared to do that. I was scared because in my mind settled the possibility that we wanted different things—that night when we talked about having kids, for example. I know, maybe that was unexpected for her. Still, if we assume to conduct our life differently, perhaps we are not mean to be together after all. Thinking about that made tears appear in the corner of my eyes. I let them fall freely in the silence and darkness. Was she sleeping now? Was she thinking the same? Was she having similar doubts about us? I didn't know if check on her was a good idea. I decided against that. Instead, I fell asleep with a lump in my throat.

The next morning I woke up early. (Y/N) was still in the bedroom with the door closed. I headed to the bathroom, and I took a shower. After that, I directed myself to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. Doing that, I heard movement in the bedroom. For sure, (Y/N) woke up too. I put everything on the dining table, waiting for her.

"Good morning. How are you feeling?" I asked when she appeared in the room. She bit her lower lip, thinking for a second what to tell me.

"Hungover is never a good thing, but I guess I deserved it. Now I feel bad forcing you to sleep on the couch last night," she mumbled, sitting in one of the dining table chairs.

"Don't be. I understand. Here..." I replied, handing her a filled and steaming cup of coffee.

"Thank you," she told me, blowing the cup softly and sipping with precaution.

"I made some pancakes too," I added, putting the plate full of them on the table. (Y/N) gave me a weak smile. I sat down in the chair in front of her with my coffee. We got silence, sipping our coffees and eating the pancakes.

"Okay. I guess it's time to talk about what's happening between us," (Y/N) stated, folding her arms over the table and interviewing her fingers. I nodded in agreement.

"Ehm. Firstly I owe you an apology. I said bad things to you. That was unfair, and I regret that" I tried to stay calm using my steadiest voice.

"Unfair but truth, I suppose?" she asked back bitterly.

"(Y/N)... I can't tell if you have a real drinking 'issue' right now. I must confess it was a bold assumption. Although I'm concerned about if this is a problem at all. And if it is, I want to help…"

"Why?" She asked simply without making eye contact.

"Why what?" I tried to pry.

"Why you want to help me?" I could see her eyes watering. She looked confused.

"Well... Because I do care. I don't want to see you hurting yourself. We both know what is falling in a spiral without no one by your side..." I explained.

We spent too much time sharing our darkest times in the past. We both learned what we were capable of and how hard it is sometimes to cope—drugs, alcohol, self-deprecation, among other stuff. We knew the full menu.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Spencer. I didn't realize that this could be a problem at all. I was more focused on knowing what I did so that you no longer feel comfortable with me. What did I do so you no longer trust in me?" Some tears started falling from her eyes.

"You didn't do anything. I promise you. And what you said is not true. I feel comfortable with you. I trust you (Y/N). I love you." I tried to touch her hand over the table. She pushed it away.

"Then _why I feel like this?_ What did I miss, Spencer? Because something happened. We turned apart because of something. What was that?" Her trembling voice made me swallow hard. How could I explain to her something that I didn't know how to explain myself?.

"I guess... I don't know. Maybe we wanted different things at that time? I craved to stay quieter, maybe? These last months had been rough for both of us, and we needed our escape valve…"

"Yeah. I get that. And I respect that too. We need our private and safe space; all couples do. However, why I feel like this exposed us to a different situation? Is like we were strangers now. You don't tell me things, and I do that too."

"(Y/N), you know when I'm overwhelmed, I shut down myself. And you have indeed been the only one capable of passing over my walls. I owe you so much, and sometimes I think I don't give you enough in return. It's unfair. This time, I was scared of overwhelming you so much, to giving you reasons to you don't want anything to do with me anymore." I confessed.

"Why- why could you ever think about that? Spencer, I know you, and I love you. You don't owe me anything. That's not how a relationship works. It's not about _measuring who gives or does more_. It about feeling when your partner needs you and telling your partner when you need them. Team effort, you know?"

"Yeah, I know... you're right. I haven't been very forthcoming lately. And I miss that about us," I told her honestly. She nodded, and now she reached for my hand across the table. A slight smile crossed my face.

"I know this comes before what happened to your mom. And that was the last straw, but I'd like you to tell me what happened before. Why did you feel the need to isolate yourself from everyone? I want to know because if I did something wrong, I want to fix it," she told me, squeezing my hand.

How could I tell (Y/N) that I had doubts about our future? How to say to her that without she could think I wanted to end our relationship? How could I tell her I imagined things that we might never have? How could I tell her I expected something that I could never have? Of course, I want everything with her, but does she want the same?

"Okay. Please, first listen to me. Maybe I'll ramble a little, but I swear I would try to be as clear as I can..." I trailed off. She nodded and rested her back on the chair, which I didn't know was a good signal.

"Okay..." she muttered.

"(Y/N)... I've never met a person like you before, and _I feel so lucky_. We've both braved tough things for years. And in all this time, you have always been by my side. I began to fall in love with you and fell crashingly at your feet, you know?. I love you (Y/N), and that will never change. But I'm scared. I'm frightened that love couldn't be enough for us, and at some point, our lifestyle will end up killing this relationship. Of course, I don't want that, but I don't know what you expect from this either. Some time ago, I mentioned to you that I would like to start a family with you. Although I understand that you may not have considered it, we didn't talk about it again. I am not blaming your reasons, and I understand them. And now, knowing about my mom, I feel more scared about everything. I have dreamed so many times about the things I want in my life, and although I know that reality may be different, I don't know..." I trailed off. Her eyes softened, but I could see the sadness in them.

"You think about them anyway... you crave about them..." she added in understanding.

"And if it's not in your plans, that's fine. I'm never going to force you to do something you don't want to do. I just wonder if it's time to think about the things we both want." (Y/N) nodded and took a deep breath before start speaking.

"Spencer, I know I'm not a perfect person. I'm as damaged as you are. We started this because of that, and I get it. Maybe we went too far. That's not going to change the way I feel about you. It's incredible how you managed to fuel all of my senses and feelings. And... it's kind of embarrassing. I want everything with you, and of course, I pictured our future more than once. But we need to face reality too, and if you have this perfect world built for you, I don't know how to fit in it. And... even if I had a chance to fit in it, if you don't tell me anything, I don't know how to do it. The only thing I can't do for you is... _is to be someone else_ , be another person." She sniffled, drying the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused. She looked at me, pursing her lips tight.

" _Maeve_. I can't be her," she mumbled with a sigh. Tears were falling freely now.

God. Why does she think that? Why does she think I want to change her? I tried to remember if I ever said or did anything to make her believe that. The times we possibly talked about Maeve were related to her death. Or the events that led to that fateful night. I never tried to compare (Y/N) with Maeve.

"No. Wait... No! I don't want you to be her. Why do you say that?"

"I'm not stupid, Spencer. You dreamed about the perfect life with her. And you're craving that since then. As you say, _simple math_." she told me in defeat.

"That's not... I..." I stuttered. Not because what she was saying was right, but because I never saw any signs that it was something that (Y/N) could think. Did she think she was competing with Maeve?

"I get it. I know how hard it is to let her go. And now that you're thinking about the future, I guess... that's what you wanted, and you can't have it with me."

"(Y/N)... stop, please. That's not true. You're overthinking things..."

"Am I?" she asked bitterly. I got up from the chair and knelt in front of her taking her hands in mine.

"Yes! I loved Maeve. Yes. But I'm not looking forward to you being her. No! _I love you just as you are_. I don't want to change you. That's not what I want."

"So, what do you want, Spencer?" When I paused in a little silence, (Y/N) shook her head and got up from the chair, reaching for support on one of the walls next to the window. I followed her immediately, taking her wrist to make her look at me.

"What I want? The answer is _'You.' I want you._ " I said matter-of-factly. "I want you. I love you. I don't want anyone else."

I moved closer and, with my free hand, lifted her chin. "I love you. And I want us to be together. I know we can make our own future together," I whispered slowly, bringing my lips to hers, barely brushing them.

"What if we're wrong? What if, as you say, love isn't enough for us?" She sighed against my lips.

"We cannot be wrong in this (Y/N). Ours cannot be a mistake. And although I am afraid of what may happen, I am willing to face it with you if you are willing."

"I told you, Spencer. I want it all with you..."

I took her cheeks with my hands and leaned to kiss her. In seconds she started kissing me back. It's been so long since I felt that fire on her lips. I wanted to show her in that kiss everything I was feeling. I didn't want to leave any doubt in her about my love. She needed to know she wasn't competing against anyone. If I ever had doubts, I no longer had them, and I had to show her. When we pull away, we stare for a few seconds, both with puffy eyes but with a smile appearing on our faces.

"Don't ever leave me out again, Spencer, please," she whispered, seeking my lips again. Without breaking the kiss and with my hands on her waist, we started moving backward, heading to the bedroom. Lost time had to be made up. I had to make it up to her. We both needed that.

Once we toppled into the mattress, only deep moans and whispers about sweet nothings could be heard from that moment.

"Five weeks, two days, and fifteen hours," I declared solemnly to (Y/N) once I caught my breath again. She laughed.

"Uhm. I knew it was a lot of time but measured like that; it seems worst," she told me with her head on my chest and tracing smooth patterns around my belly button with her fingertips.

"Yeah. I know. I wanted to sound dramatic too," I joked, stroking her lower back.

"Mission accomplished, doctor Reid." she joked back. "Despite that, it was amazing, don't you think?" (Y/N) asked.

"Yeah. Especially the moment I was pounding you for behind and you arched your back, that angle made everything better... and when you..." I was talking in a low and sultry voice. She cut me off.

"Spencer!" (Y/N) whined.

"What?"

"Why are you talking as it was a porn movie scene? It's weird!... and I'm turning on again!..." she complained, patting my chest playfully.

"That's always welcomed, you know?" I smirked mischievously.

"Not now, baby. I'm tired. Two in a row is enough for now..." she trailed off.

We kept in silence for a while, hearing each other breathing, feeling the heat of our naked bodies together. It's been a long time since we felt like this. I kissed the top of (Y/N)'s head while my hand was caressing her bare arm.

"Do you want to tell about your mom?" she asked carefully, planting a soft kiss on my chest. I knew I needed to tell (Y/N) what happened to my mom. I took a deep breath before speaking again.

"It's... I don't know. I... I feel compelled to do something, but _I don't know if I can_..." I said, sitting on the mattress, resting my back in the bed headboard. She propped her body in one of her forearms, looking at me.

"But can you do something about it? What do the doctors say?"

"It's not an uncommon scenario, but medication could bring some issues in the mid or long term. We can run some medical trials, but everything is unclear. There isn't much research in that field."

"Does she know?"

"Yeah. I talk to my mom, and she knows. She... she told me that she doesn't want me to be sad. She said it was okay. If life wanted her like that, she'd take it."

"Your mom is a brave woman, Spencer."

"She is. I would like to be more like her sometimes."

"You are. It's in your blood. But you can feel crushed too. No one expects you to be a Superman 24/7."

"Do you think she could accept to be in a medical trial? I implied something when we talk, but she didn't seem very enthusiastic."

"Don't blame her. I guess it's not easy for her too, but... I'm sure if that makes you happy, she will do it. She'd do anything for you."

"I hope so. I'm just want to help her. Did you know when I was a kid I wanted to be a researcher to find the cure for schizophrenia?"

"I believe that. And if you didn't accomplish that particular goal, don't you ever think your life has been wasted because it's not true," I blushed a little. What good did I do to deserve this woman in my life?

"Thank you (Y/N). And I'm sorry. I behaved like an asshole last night."

"Don't. We discussed it. Just... just remember you can talk to me, okay?"

And that was what we did. As difficult as it may seem, telling the other what was going on in our heads eased the last few months' tension. I finally agreed to meet her friends, Rose and Steven, who flooded me with questions about my domestic life with (Y/N). She looked quite embarrassed about that, but I tried to lessen the mood with some jokes as well.

At that moment, I realized that it was the first time I met someone in (Y/N)'s life that wasn't related to both of us. I never had the chance to met her father or her brothers. I knew she hadn't had a good relationship with them, but it was odd to notice this fact after two years of relationship.

She spoke to Hotch and assured him she would monitor her drinking issue. It wasn't something affecting her performance at work, but we both knew how easy it was to go overboard when you felt overwhelmed. We had many conversations about it, and we even talked about details that neither had confessed to the other. We talked about how difficult it was for me to deal with my addiction to Dilaudid and how she had to cope with her excessive drinking after Jill died.

One night arriving from a case from Los Angeles, we were both a little quieter. It had not been one of the worst, but it had left us all with a strange feeling. A former FBI agent was killed and replaced by the unsub to deceive women who trusted him to be a law enforcement officer. At least four women died, and two of them while we were on the case. That always weighs on you. Finally, when he was about to kill another woman whom he had taken hostage, I was forced to shoot him, killing him. I've never liked that. I know it is part of the job, and sometimes it's your life or theirs, but there are times when I would like to avoid that part.

"Hey, you know you hadn't a choice, right?" (Y/N) told me when we finished dinner. She knew I was upset because of that.

"Yeah. I know that," I replied with a sigh.

"Good. Don't forget that. Now... do you want to watch a movie or something?" (Y/N) offered. I pondered it for a second.

"No. I want to go to bed early," I said, standing from my chair. "You don't have to join me if you want to watch some TV," I assured her, kissing her forehead.

"Okay. I'm going to stay here for a while. Tell me if you need anything" (Y/N) replied, standing too and heading to the kitchen with the dinner dishes.

I was on my bed, dozing off, when I hear (Y/N)'s phone rang. I heard (Y/N)'s voice in the distance, but I couldn't make out who she was talking to or what. I remained in my sleepy state until (Y/N) broke into the room. I sat up on the bed with a start.

"Hotch called. _You have to get up_ , Spencer. Something _happened with Morgan_ " I felt my stomach churn in a second.

"What?..." I muttered, trying to catch up about what happened.

"According to Savannah, he is missing. We have to check his last location. I don't know much more yet. When we get on our way, we have to call Garcia."

I nodded instinctively, just as I got out of bed and searched for my clothes. In 10 minutes, we were in the car with (Y/N) on our way to the store where Morgan's trail got lost. We inspected the place with (Y/N) and found traces of a smashed cell phone on the floor and a bag of groceries scattered on the ground. While I was inspecting the objects, (Y/N) entered the store to ask for the cameras' recordings. Maybe they recorded something useful. Minutes later, she came out, shaking her head like a sign that she hadn't gained anything. We took what we found and got in the car to go to the BAU. (Y/N) was driving, I rubbed my eyes, trying to concentrate, and think. Who would want to have kidnapped Morgan, and for what?

"We are going to find Morgan, okay?" She tried to comfort me. I just frowned.

"I still don't understand what's going on..." I mumbled. (Y/N) nodded and took my hand over the console.

"We'll find out and catch the _son of a bitch_ who did this," she assured me.

When we got to the BAU, we met in the conference room. García tried to locate cell phone signals near the place in case someone stood out on the profile. With Hotch, we began to review potential threats that could have reached Morgan.

"We have to assume that the entire BAU is a potential target. JJ, we have to secure Will and the kids. Lisa will bring Jack here." Hotch instructed.

"Okay, but who are these guys anyway? I don't think they have anything to do with the contractors we thwarted months ago." (Y/N) spoke.

"We can't rule them out entirely either. The network was extensive enough that someone else was involved, and we didn't know it," I added.

"Either way, we have to be clear that they are professionals. In a matter of minutes, they carried out the kidnapping and covered up their tracks quite well." JJ appended. Hotch, with his arms crossed, frowned.

"Do we have anything else, Garcia?" Hotch asked.

"Preliminary only the information from the satellite phone that was near the abduction site. If I could find out about how these guys were able to monitor Morgan or Savannah, maybe we could have something else." "Okay, JJ and Garcia are going with Savannah to her house. She needs to pick up some clothes and check if something inside the home or neighborhood can give us some clues. (Y/L/N) and Reid, you both check everything from the last 3 cases involving the contractors and the network we disrupted. If something stands out, we have to consider it. We will talk to Internal Affairs with Rossi if there is something we do not know about this. Hotch instructed.

We spent almost two hours with (Y/N) reviewing case by case in a massive pile of papers and files. None seemed to fit what we were looking for: some very aggressive and unsophisticated, some overly sophisticated but low risk. We couldn't come up with something useful. My hands were sweating, and I felt a lump in my throat. Possibly (Y/N) noticed it because she would go for coffee every so often and try to calm me down with any gesture. Sometimes with a hand on my shoulder or a kiss on my head, or a hand on my back. Anything that could release some tension, but nothing seemed to work.

When JJ and Garcia arrived at the conference room, I could see in their faces that they got something. With Hotch and Rossi there, JJ began to explain that we were dealing with a group of former CIA agents and collaborators. They formed a group focused on sophisticated works: extraction, kidnapping, torture, and asset disposal. Garcia started to work on tracking each of these members to identify a location. Reviewing work carried out by this group, we were able to reduce some areas. By triangulating the satellite phone that began to transmit at that moment, we succeeded at a location. It was an isolated place, indeed with a clear purpose. We boarded two helicopters that would bring us closer to the closest point to regroup with the rest of the SWAT team to help us in Morgan's rescue.

To completely cover the area, we split into pairs: JJ with Rossi, (Y/N) with me, and Hotch with the SWAT team to secure the perimeter. With (Y/N), we were the first to arrive at an isolated house, there were lights on, and on the east side, a car was approaching. It wasn't any of us. We turned off the car lights and stopped the vehicle on the north side a few meters away from the house. We got off quickly with (Y/N). We surrounded part of the house, and through the windows, we could see bodies scattered on the floor. I was about to go into the house to inspect when I felt that (Y/N) grabbed my wrist to stop me.

"Spencer, what are you doing?" she asked me without letting go of my wrist.

"I'm going into the house; Morgan is inside," I said without hesitation.

"We can't! We have to wait for back up. We don't know who else is in the house," she countered.

But it mattered little to me. If I served as a distraction so these guys wouldn't kill Morgan, it was okay for me.

" _I don't care. I'm_ going in anyway," I declared, letting go of (Y/N)'s arm and moving to one of the entrances to the house. (Y/N) puffed in annoyance.

"Wait! Stop Spencer! Look!" At that moment, we saw that two men got out of the car that just parked, one entered the house, and the other stayed outside the car watching.

I moved to another of the entrances. (Y/N) retook my arm.

"Listen to me! I know you want to rescue Morgan, as much as all of us, but you can't be irresponsible in this; you're risking his life too. You don't want to wait for the rest? Okay, but let's do this right," (Y/N) told me as she pointed to one of the windows where you could see Morgan on the ground and the man who had just entered the house with a knife in his hand. I looked at (Y/N), urging her to let me do something. She gestured to me that we had to split. I needed to enter the house through the window while she secured the main entrance. I would have to take the first shot, and then she would take care of the man outside the house to cover me through the front door. I nodded, and that's what we did. At that moment, we heard screams of pain from Morgan, and that infuriated me even more. I jumped through the window into one of the rooms in the house and leaned out the door that led into the living room. (Y/N) moved to the main entrance. When I saw the man who was about to kill Morgan, two shots from my gun hit him directly in the chest, causing him to fall to the ground. Then a gunshot outside the house told me that (Y/N) had killed the man outside. In two seconds, she appeared through the main entrance. I knelt in front of Morgan. He has his eyes barely open and a knife buried in his hand. Within two minutes, the SWAT team, Hotch, Rossi, and JJ arrived in the house, taking down the rest of the gang that had gathered when they heard our shots.

Paramedics entered the house and took care of Morgan. They put him on a stretcher and rushed him to the ambulance. His pulse was weak, and he was muttering things I couldn't understand. (Y/N) was looking at me from afar. She came over to ask me if I was okay. I just nodded and got into the SUV that JJ was driving. We would all go to the hospital.

I dissipated some concern when the doctor came out to talk to us and told us that Morgan would be fine. He had significant injuries, but with proper treatment, he would be fine. They would keep him sedated to ease the pain and speed up his recovery a bit. After the medical report, there were faces of relief throughout the team.

Poor Savannah almost collapses when she released all the tension of the last hours. After the news, Hotch insisted that a doctor see her. That's when we found out that Savannah and Morgan were going to be parents. He didn't know yet. It was great news, and now that we knew Morgan would be fine, we felt more relief. After the congratulations, JJ and Garcia guided Savannah to her checkup and get some rest.

(Y/N) came over to my side, and I could barely look at her. I was still frustrated and upset. I knew none of this was her fault, but to think that Morgan might have died bothered me even more. Now knowing that he would now be a father, it was worst.

"Can we talk outside?" she asked quietly. I nodded, and we both walked outside the hospital. Once in the exterior, I leaned back into one of the walls with my hands in my pockets.

"Okay. What is it?" I asked dryly.

"You're mad at me. I get it. But I did what I did because I had to."

I kept in silence. I was barely looking at (Y/N). I didn't want to snap at her, so I preferred to stay quiet.

"Spencer. Can you say something, please?" she insisted. I huffed in annoyance.

"You want me to say something? Okay. This is what I have to say: Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again." I yelled.

"Do what? _Saving your life_? Oh, okay!" she replied huffing.

"Derek could have died there!"

"You could have died too. I'm sorry for worrying about that".

"You don't understand, do you?"

"Maybe I don't. Please, enlighten me."

"I wouldn't ever forgive me if something happened to him... less now knowing he's going to be a dad. He's like my brother (Y/N), can you understand that?... Oh, wait! maybe not, because you hate your own broth-..." she cut me off quickly.

"Stop it! _Don't dare you to finish that sentence_ , Spencer. This is something I'll not tolerate from you. You can be as sarcastic as you want, but don't cross that line with me, Spencer. I don't deserve it."

She was right. I went too far with my words. At times I have trouble controlling that, and she knew that part of me perfectly well. I have never been proud to be like this. I developed that as a defense mechanism, but I have often seen myself hurting the people I love by not controlling my words.

"I- you're right. I... I overheated. That was out of line. I'm sorry..." I tried to withdraw. (Y/N) sighed.

"I hope you do. Now, you need to understand that your recklessness could kill you both: Derek and you. How did you expect I would stay okay with that? If you thought that you don't know me at all."

"I just needed to save..." I trailed off.

"Yeah. I know that. But do you think to be a kind of martyr could help? What about me? Did you stop to think about what it is for me to see how you despise your own life like this? What if you were who is going to be dad here? That could change the way you see things? You told me you want a family. How that fits with this kind of situation?". Her voice softened and even cracked in some way. That hurt my heart.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I don't know if I could have thought clearly at the time either." It was true. There was no intention on my part to hurt her, but the moment had been chaotic, and I didn't know what to do.

"I get it. I just ask you to understand that I'm not trying to be a stone in your shoe, Spencer. I only care about you, but if you're not comfortable with that, I don't know..." she trailed off.

At that moment, Hotch and Rossi appeared next to us. I immediately thought that Hotch would reprimand me for trying to go out of protocol in rescuing Morgan. But he surprised me when he just mumbled: "Maybe it's good that you go home with (Y/N). It's been a long day for everyone."

I frowned but nodded nonetheless. Then Hotch walked away from us on his way to one of the SUV parked outside the hospital. Rossi stayed.

"Are you guys okay?" he asked.

"Yes..." (Y/N) muttered. I nodded.

"Let's go home," I said to (Y/N), offering my hand to her.

"Ehm... you go. I'll stay awhile. I need to talk to Garcia... something about the case."

"I can stay and wait for you..." I offered. (Y/N) shook her head.

"No, it's fine. Go first. Seriously, I'll go as soon as I can."

I'm not a lousy profiler. I knew (Y/N) didn't want to leave yet. It wasn't because she wanted to talk to Garcia. But after my outburst, I was in no condition to demand an explanation. I just nodded and headed home. If she needed a break from me, I couldn't blame her at all.

**********************************************************************

Spencer was upset; it was evident. And I got it, but outbursts like these are problematic for anyone to handle. It was a relief that nothing happened that we had to regret. Morgan would be fine, and we were able to stop the bad guys.

When Spencer left the hospital, I reached through my jacket pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Rossi looked at me and pulled his lighter out for me.

"Going back to old habits?" Rossi asked me as he lit my cigarette.

"At least this habit doesn't make me lose consciousness," I tried to joke. Rossi shook his head.

"Who else than you could make a joke like that, bella..." he laughed.

"Come on, Rossi, if it's not me laughing at myself, I don't know what else I have left."

"Are you okay? I know things were chaotic during Morgan's rescue, and Reid didn't take it very well..."

"Yep. Not very well, indeed. When you got here with Hotch, we were arguing about it," I confessed.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" he proposed.

"I don't know how much can be said. You know Spencer too. His attitude for blaming himself for everything, having to save everything, taking responsibility for everything..." I trailed off.

"Sorry to ask, but... are you having a lot of trouble because of that?," he asked. I puffed some smoke before answer.

"Honestly? I've never been totally comfortable with that, but I knew exactly what I was getting into when we started our relationship. I can't play the victim now." Rossi nodded in understanding.

"When you love, _you got the whole package_ , right?" Rossi rephrased.

"Yeah. And I think I did. I got and took the whole package from the beginning. It wasn't a problem for me." I explained.

"But...?" I looked at him with real hesitation in my eyes.

"Does he want the whole package too?" I asked in almost a cracked voice. I didn't want to say it aloud because doing it would make the fear something real.

"Why do you have doubts about that?" Rossi asked with concern.

"It's just a feeling. You know? there are moments when _I believe I'm not enough for him_."

"Hey! Stop right there... since when the lack of self-esteem?" Rossi scolded me.

"I mean... It's not self-deprecation per se. It's more like expectation imbalance?"

"I can't follow you..." Rossi narrowed his eyes.

"I don't know how to explain it. Jeez. Sometimes I feel he wants that I could be someone else. And yeah, I asked him that, and he dismissed it, and I believed him... I suppose?" It was evident that I wasn't entirely sure about that.

"He loves you, do you know that, right?"

"Yeah. But is that enough?"

"Of course not. But it is the _baseline_. From there, you can start to build the rest. But if you're not sure..."

"The thing is that I'm pretty sure."

"But you're afraid of being hurt if he isn't as sure as you are," I nodded.

"I love him, Rossi. I never felt for someone like I did for Spencer. But that makes me vulnerable, and I don't like that."

"I know Reid could be difficult to understand sometimes. The truth, (Y/N)? Most of the time, I didn't know what he is talking about and how his brain works. And I am amazed at the way you were able to enter his life and make him happy. Because he is happy with you (Y/N), I have no doubt about it. Now, if you don't feel that way, or if it's not what you expected... I don't know. Sometimes you think you find the perfect person for you, but at a time in your life that isn't the right one. But if you feel like it's the right thing to do, sometimes you just have _to take a chance and see what happens_."

Maybe Rossi was right. From my point of view, all couples have their ups and downs. And with Spencer, this was no exception. I had my doubts. He sure has them too. Over the years, we have learned to overcome problems, and perhaps that is what we have to keep doing. That doesn't take away from the fact that I may be upset with him or him with me. At least I was willing to continue fighting for this relationship and for having a life with him. Why not? Sometimes letting your guard down is scary, but if you trust your partner, that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

That night I arrived at the apartment almost at midnight. Rossi himself took me in his car and left me outside the building. When I walked in and shut the door behind me, I saw Spencer sitting on the couch reading a book. When he saw me appear in the living room, he immediately closed his book and turned to look at me.

"Hi," I said, taking off my jacket, leaving the keys on the table along with my wallet.

"Hello," he answered me, getting up from the couch. "Did you eat something? I ordered a pizza."

"I didn't eat anything. Yeah, pizza is fine. Thanks."

He moved into the kitchen to put some slices of pizza in the microwave. I sat on the couch and took off my shoes. I wasn't sure if we were going to continue our conversation that we left at the hospital. Maybe we were both tired, and it was better to take a break before continuing with that. Although to tell the truth, I thought I had said everything I needed to say.

Spencer returned to the living room with a plate of pizza slices and handed it to me. He sat next to me on the couch in silence while I ate. She hadn't realized that I was indeed hungry.

"Thank you. This is very good. I was hungry. I had not noticed it before," I said, finishing the last bit. Spencer smiled.

"Yeah. The same thing happened to me. When I arrived and didn't see much to eat in the fridge, I thought pizza might be a good idea."

"About that, we need to go shopping at the grocery store. Our pantry is almost empty." Spencer nodded.

"Sure. I can do that tomorrow. Hotch told us to take the day off."

"Yeah? I didn't know," I replied.

"He sent a message. A minutes ago..." he trailed off.

"Okay. Good." I looked at Spencer, and I knew he wanted to say something but sure, he didn't know-how. He bit his lips, fidgeting with a napkin in his hands. He took off of my hands the plate I was holding and placed it on the coffee table in a bold move. I narrowed my eyes, but I didn't say anything.

"(Y/N)..." he started speaking. I cut him off.

"If you are going to back to our argument in the hospital, I guess it's not necessary. We both say what we think about it," Spencer took a deep breath shutting his eyes briefly.

"No. I didn't," I looked at Spencer thoughtfully. He took my hands in his. "You were right. I know. You told me, and still, I acted like an asshole. After I left the hospital tonight and you stayed with Rossi. I knew you didn't want to talk to Garcia. You wanted to stay away from me..." he sighed again.

"Spencer, that's not..."

"It's okay (Y/N). I understand why. Sometimes I can't stand myself. And even if this night was genuinely chaos for everyone, I despised your real concern about me. And it's not fair. For you, for me, and us.

I realized that you're the only one who indeed looks after me in this time with you. And my payment to you? I just stressed you out. Sometimes I feel you love me more than anyone in this world. And I'm sorry, I'm bad expressing my feelings..."

"I don't know if your mom would agree with that, honestly." I tried to lighten the mood. He smiled.

"It's just... I don't know. It's hard to believe one person in my life - who is not my mom, indeed - would be able to put up me like this."

"Well. Sometimes I can't believe it too." He looked at me with real fear in his eyes. Surely Spencer didn't know if it was a twisted joke or the whole truth. I shocked my head and huffed a sigh. "Spencer, you can be a real asshole sometimes, but I can't stand away from you." He let out a relieved sigh and hugged me tightly.

"I couldn't blame you if you want to leave me, but I'm begging you not to do so. I wouldn't know what to do without you," Spencer whispered with a slightly cracked voice.

"Honestly? Me neither," I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck. He buried his face in my neck.

"I love you (Y/N). And I know I needed to say it more often..." I swung my head.

"No. You don't. Just show me. You don't need to say it always." He smirked.

" _More acts, fewer words_ , I get it," he stated, parting from my embrace and lifting my chin to look at me.

"Yes, doctor Reid. That's precisely what I'm saying," we both smiled, and he leaned to kiss me. I kissed him back without hesitation. I was ready for everything with him. I hoped that he was ready, as well.

The hospital discharged Morgan five days after the events which led him there. He was ecstatic knowing he would be a dad, and wasted no time in proposing to Savannah.

This is how the wedding arrangements started. Neither Derek nor Savannah wanted anything too luxurious. Only friends and closest family. Rossi offered his house as a place to carry out the event. It would not be the first time that a BAU wedding was celebrated at Rossi's home. The guys accepted the offer. Then everything needed to be quick: choosing a wedding dress, planning the bachelor and bachelorette parties, choice of best man and bridesmaids, and a long etcetera. Regards this part, Derek talked to Spencer and asked him to be his best man. Truth be told? I didn't expect anything different about that. Derek loves Spencer and Spencer loves Derek. Of course, Spencer accepted.

On the wedding day, I could swear Spencer was more nervous than the groom as well. When he exited the bathroom after his shower almost panicked, seeing me on the bed reading a book in a robe.

"I thought you were doing your makeup right now..."

"Spencer, we're plenty of time. Don't worry about that," I said in my calm voice.

"We can't be late (Y/N)"

"We won't, baby. Try to relax a little. Leave the nervously to the bride and the groom. People are going to think that you are the one is getting married," I joked. Then I paused for a second. "Wait. Are you going to be this type of nervous guy on your wedding day?... poor girl that will marry you!" I stated, laughing. He frowned.

"I don't know... maybe. It's an important day, right? and why you talk about the girl as if she was someone that is not you?". I narrowed my eyes.

"Well. I guess because it could be anyone," I stated matter-of-factly. Spencer smirked and walked towards me.

"C'mon. Let that book down and stand up," the doctor commanded playfully. I shook my head but obliged.

"Okay. I get it. I'm going to dress right now," I said with a sigh. I was heading to the wardrobe when Spencer grabbed one of my wrists.

"Hey..." he told me, spinning me to look at him. He was almost naked, just with a towel around his waist. His messy hair was wet and dripping. I must confess it was a sexy view. If we had more time, I would have suggested some activities to relax.

"Yeah?" with one hand on my waist, he pulled me closer to him—the other hand in my cheek.

"I said that I love you today?"

"Uhm... I guess not today?"

"Well. I love you (Y/N). And you know what else?" he asked, pecking my lips.

"What else?" I played along.

"I'm going to be exceedingly more nervous on OUR wedding day," he smirked.

"Oh. Are you proposing, Dr. Reid?" I teased.

"Is more like a plan, but yeah, I want to marry you. I want you to be my wife..." he trailed off, searching for my lips again—this time in a more passionate kiss. I kissed him back deeply. When we needed some air, we parted a little. "I'm not proposing to you right now, but I will. In the right way as you deserve, my love" The nickname sent shivers to my spine, but I tried to play cool.

"Such a romantic..." I trailed off, kissing him again. "You know... If we had more time..." I said with my fingers in the hem of his towel. He smirked on my lips.

"Tempting... but indeed we don't have time. Maybe tonight we can continue this conversation?"

"Sure we can."

Parties at Rossi's have always been an experience. Thinking of how sumptuous the property might seem, the family atmosphere makes the place welcoming. This was no exception—all delicately decorated but warm, like Morgan's smile when he saw us arrive.

"Guys! I knew you wouldn't be late. C'mere pretty boy," Derek greeted us, hugging Spencer first. It is true that more than once, I craved the relationship between Morgan and Spencer. A brother's relationship who support each other through thick and thin. I didn't have that, and thinking about it hurts sometimes. But this was not the time for self-pity.

"Hey (Y/N)!" Morgan chimed in, wrapping his arms around me and giving me a tight hug.

"I'm happy to see you this good, Morgan. Really" I greeted him.

"Thank you, pretty girl. I'm happy to have you both here today. Please, come in. Make yourself comfortable, except for your pretty boy. You stay with me here," Spencer frowned and looked at me.

"Morgan is right; you have to perform your duties as best man," I said, grinning.

"Oh right," Spencer stammered.

"I'll see you later. Don't miss me so much," I teased before giving Spencer a soft kiss on the lips. Spencer Reid is known to dislike PDA, but a little kiss doesn't hurt. He smiled back at me and muttered, 'I love you.' I couldn't answer because, in seconds, Penelope had my arm dragging me to the patio where everyone else was.

The ceremony was beautiful. Savannah looked spectacular in her dress. Well, Savannah looks stunning in any type of clothing, which was an agreement between all the BAU women there. As Derek and Savannah said their vows, Garcia was crying uncontrollably, and JJ was trying to maintain her composure. In my case, I felt a knot in my stomach. Not because I was uncomfortable or something. In general, I have never been very prone to weddings. I hadn't been to many in my life either. But something here seemed different to me. The knot in my stomach tightened more when I realized that for a fraction of a second, I saw myself at the altar. That had never happened to me. 'Fucking Spencer Reid,' I told myself.

That was a realization that hit me hard. I saw myself marrying the love of my life, and not only that, I saw myself making a future with him. At that moment, I felt how the fears dissipated, and a new determination was born from the depths of my damaged being. I remembered Rossi's words: 'let go,' 'try,' 'see what happens.' That was what I was going to do.

During the party, I was excitedly chatting with Tara when Spencer came up next to me. Against all odds, he wraps one of his arms around my waist, and he kisses me on the cheek.

"Hi," I said, laughing at the tickling.

"I missed you," he whispered in my ear. That makes me almost melt on the spot.

"I missed you too," I told him. "In fact, I was telling Tara that I probably wouldn't see you again until later when you finished your duties as best man." Tara nodded, and Spencer smiled.

"Yeah, let's just say I'm a little freer from that now." That said, Morgan's voice behind us warned us that his free time was over.

"Reid. I was looking for you," Spencer sighed. "Hey, pretty boy, don't make that face. This time it's Savannah who wants your assistance, but I can tell her I didn't find you..."

"No, it's okay. I'm going now," Spencer kissed my temple and went inside the house. At that moment, Tara's phone began to ring, to which she apologized, and she left the place to speak comfortably.

"I'm sorry to have your boyfriend kidnapped for so long," Morgan apologized. "I promise to give him back to you in a little while when the protocol is finished."

"It's okay, Morgan. Don't apologize for that. Today is your day, and you have to enjoy it. That's what matters," I replied to him.

"Thank you (Y/N). For everything."

"It is not necessary," I returned.

"Yes, it is. And now maybe not the best time or place to talk, but since we are both here. First, I want to apologize." I frowned, and Morgan cleared his throat.

"Why?"

"When we found out about your relationship with Reid, I know that with JJ, we didn't react in the best way. Even I was more than once rude to you. The truth is that it does not matter what I say to justify my behavior, but I was worried about Spencer. But now I understand that all those apprehensions were unnecessary, and they seem more unnecessary to me seeing you both together. I think I never saw Reid as happy as I do now, and I have to thank you for that. I don't deserve to ask you to forgive me for what I did, but at least I want you to know that I'm really sorry." I nodded.

"There is nothing to forgive, Morgan. I told JJ at the time. I understand your reasons, and although the style didn't seem right to me, deep down, I know you were worried about him." I admitted.

"Thank you (Y/N). And if I can be daring... I only ask you love him as much as he loves you, just that."

"Have no doubts about that," I replied, beaming. Morgan opened his arms to hug me, and I willingly accepted.

True to his word, when all the formal wedding activities were over and the dance started, Morgan himself came to my side to return Spencer to me.

Since I had my boyfriend back, I wasn't going to miss out on the opportunity, so I convinced him to hit the dance floor. Knowing that Spencer Reid is not a man who likes to dance very much, he agreed anyway. We had our moment to show the world how uncoordinated we were dancing. But neither of us cared. We both laughed and had a fun time under the astonished gaze of some attendees.

Late at night and tired, we both decided to sit on one of the patio benches. Strategically I chose the most isolated and least illuminated of all. I needed an intimate moment with my boyfriend.

We both sat down and gazed silently at the guests who remained at that time of night.

"Did you have a good time?" Spencer asked me.

"Yes, I don't think I remembered enjoying a wedding like this before," I confessed.

"I'm glad," Spencer replied to me. I got up for a few seconds to now sit on his lap. Spencer looked at me, suspiciously with narrowed eyes. Even so, he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"What? Come on! Morgan and Savannah kidnapped you for quite some time. I have to get it back," I replied innocently. Spencer shook his head and smirked.

"I missed you," I whispered as I planted a few kisses on his cheek and his nose. But I didn't stop there. I started looking for more parts of his face to kiss as my hands began to play with the hair in the nape of his neck.

"(Y/N). What are you doing? Everyone could see us..." Spencer murmured while now I peppered with kisses his jawline and earlobe.

"I'm not doing anything... yet. But if you want... we can find a quiet room and have some fun." I could feel the heat running in Spencer's body.

"Oh... Jeez (Y/N)..." he said in a lower voice, almost letting out a moan.

"You look so hot in this tux. I can't help myself..." that was my thinking, but I let it out of my mouth.

"I could say the same about your dress. Your exposed skin is killing me..." his hot breath on my neck giving shivers to me.

"That was the whole point. I want to know how you will manage to get this off me," I teased.

"Don't give me ideas (Y/N)," Spencer mumbled, kissing my neck.

"Why not? Maybe tonight we can go for a baby genius." He stopped his kisses and parted slightly to look at me. His eyes widened. I grinned at him.

"What? Are you... are you... seriously?" he stuttered.

"Yeah. I do."

"I mean... you want to have a baby with me? Now?...," he stammered again.

"Yes. That's what I'm saying, Spencer."

"But... I don't know. You said..." he trailed off.

"Yeah. I said that I wasn't ready and I needed time to think about it. So that's what I did. I know the last couple of months were rough for us, but I think we can give it a try. I want a mini Spencer, you know?. I want to do this with you. But only if you want. I don't want to be the one to compel you to do something you don't want to do."

"Are you crazy? Of course, I want to! I want that and more with you." he answered me in ecstasy. I started to giggle.

"Okay, then let's get started. Let's make that baby," I pointed out before Spencer found my lips and gave me his answer with a long, passionate kiss. My genius boyfriend didn't care now that the rest of the people could be watching us. Honestly, neither do I. All that mattered was him, me, and the family we hoped to start.

———————

_“But you can say baby_

_Baby, can I hold you tonight?_

_Maybe if I told you the right words_

_Ooh, at the right time you'd be mine…”_

———————


	11. Lash Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Reader need more than love and will to cope with their ups and downs. Sometimes you have to take drastic measures to deal with problems. Warnings: Smut/NSFW. Oral and fingering (female receiving). Penetrative and unprotected sex. Breeding kink. TW: References to alcohol abuse, death, physical and phycological abuse. Case’s description involving pregnant women.

——————–

_“Oh, hard to hold this fire inside me_

_All I know, sometimes it's frightening_

_Hard to hold this fire inside me_

_Oh, oh oh, it's not really like me to lash out…”_

——————–

"This case drained all my energy. I need a drink," Rossi huffed when the jet was about to land in Virginia.

"Me too," JJ agreed.

"Not bad," Tara added. Even Hotch nodded in agreement. Spencer and I remained in silence. Not because I was uncomfortable with the idea. I wasn't drinking after all, so it was not a big deal. And the team knew that. The first months after my relapse, everyone was supportive enough, and the _'drink'_ word almost disappeared from the team lexical. But with time, things were better, and I felt better too. But my problem this time wasn't going for drinks or hanging out with the team. It was we had plans with Spencer.

"I'm extremely tired. I guess I'm going to skip this one," Spencer said, yawning.

"Me too. I almost didn't sleep last night," I complained.

"If Morgan were here surely would say, _'hey pretty girl, pretty boy didn't let you sleep last night?'_..." Rossi let out, trying to mimic Derek. Everyone chuckled, even Spencer and I, despite the direct teasing.

It was the third month that Morgan wasn't working with us. He took a mandatory leave after his abduction. Obviously, Derek wasn't so pleased with the measure, but it was unavoidable. Also, he needed to focus on his soon growing family and heal properly.

Once we put a foot on the apartment, Spencer grabbed the back of my thighs, lifting me up. I rounded his waist with my legs and settled my arms around his neck. Our mouths found each other in a matter of seconds as he spun us and pressed my back against the entrance door to shut it. We stayed there making out for a couple of minutes, _heating the mood_. Spencer then focused on my exposed neck, sucking and nibbling the skin while my hands messed up his hair. I bit his earlobe, and he growled. Our lips met again in a needy and sloppy kiss. We parted slightly just to breathe.

"Baby... I think we need..." I panted.

"Yes. Bedroom," Spencer finished the sentence. Without releasing me, we stumbled against the walls making the path to our bedroom.

Yeah. Our plans with Spencer that night were _wild_ and _needy_ sex. The last case kept us five days away from home. Though we shared a room in the hotel, we didn't have the time or energy for anything but sleep. Another reason for this plan: I was in my ovulation phase. The first three months after we decided to try for a baby, we didn't do anything besides having sex when we could. But now, we were trying actively, tracking my period and taking every chance to increase the odds of getting pregnant. Like the scientist he is, Spencer obviously read everything he could to know what to do on this matter: from the best-recommended diet to the most favorable sexual positions.

"Did you know that scientists haven't proved that some _sex positions_ increase the probability of conception?" Spencer panted in my neck.

"Uhm..." I barely mumbled, removing his tie and his button-up shirt and tossing them to the floor.

"Nevertheless, some of them may be better than others helping the sperm to the fecundation," His hands were working to unbutton my blouse. For my part, I was working on his belt and unbuttoning his pants.

"Oh yeah? _How is that_?" I moaned, sliding his pants down his legs. He was unbuttoning my pants now.

"Well... the missionary and doggie-style positions allow for deeper penetration... bringing sperm in closer proximity to the cervix... and that helps fecundation..." Spencer gasped. After sliding my pants down my legs, he gently pushed me back to the mattress, crawling over me and positioning himself between my legs. His mouth in my neck again, trailing wet kisses along.

" _Oh shit_... Spencer. I love your _nerdy-dirty talk_... you have to do that more often baby..." I breathed, pulling him closer to me. He smirked on my skin.

"I know you like it. But sure, it's not the only thing you want right now, right?" Spencer asked in a mischievous tone, now latching his lips in one of my breasts.

"You can tell, yeah. _Oh my God!_ that feels so good. I love when you do that with your tongue…" I moaned at loud. Spencer parted his mouth from me but continued greedily massaging my breasts with his hands.

"Do you think the team did believe that we were tired?" he asked without stopping his ministrations on my body.

"I don't know. But we are skipping them a lot ultimately, sure they have their - _fuck!_ – suspicious," I yelped when Spencer slips two fingers under my panties, searching for the moistness between my folds.

"Yeah. Maybe next time we need to go with them... _jeez (Y/N)_ , you're so wet already."

"Next time, yeah... _oh fuck_ , Spencer," I gasped, feeling Spencer's fingers inside of me, pumping slightly. After some thrusts, he removed and sucked them greedily. The sight itself could make me cum in that second. Without hesitation, I took my panties off, tossing them on the floor.

"Now _be a good girl_ and spread your legs for me," he commanded, and I gladly obliged.

"Oh. You're going to _take your time_ I assume..." I pointed out, resting my head on the pillows and searching Spencer's locks with one of my hands. Grabbing a handful of hair, I tugged it a bit.

"I always want to take my time with you... It's just - _shit!_ \- sometimes we don't have the chance. God (Y/N) you look so hot like this... so ready."

"It's all for you..." I panted, pecking one of my nipples with my free fingers.

" _Lucky me_ ," he breathed out before buried his head in my crotch.

From the first time we were together, Spencer learned quickly what things I liked and what I didn't in bed. Although I have never had any restrictions on it, I started to enjoy oral sex with time. If I think of the partners I had before Spencer, I never had good experiences or just didn't have experiences at all in that field. Not all men like _'eating out'_ their partners. Worse, few turn out to be good at it. I'm lucky girl, Spencer knew pretty well what to do to lead me there.

" _Oh my_ \- Spencer, please!"

"Uhm. You wanted me to stop?" the bastard teased, smirking, between my legs.

" _Fuck! No! Don't stop_. I'm so close... you are so good with your tongue! God!" I urged him to continue. I felt the knot in the pit of my stomach just a few seconds from snaping. He sped up his tongue and turned his fingers, reaching that sweet spot inside me that made me see stars. With a broken moan, I let it go. My vision went white, and my muscles tensed, feeling the fire running in my body.

"That's it, you feel so good undoing yourself beneath me..." Spencer cooed, kissing my thighs and removing his fingers from me.

I straightened up on my forearms and looked at him with a weak smile. Spencer smiled back at me as he repositioned himself next to me, stroking my face and kissing me passionately. I could taste myself in his mouth.

When we pulled away, I could see the fire and lust in his eyes. The intensity of Spencer's gaze and how much he can express without using words has never ceased to amaze me.

"C'mon Spencer, _I need you now_ ," I whispered, caressing his cheek.

"I need you too..." he replied by kissing my neck and placing his pelvis between my legs.

Without thinking twice, I wrapped my legs around his waist. I could feel the head of his hard cock in my entrance. Slowly but with no hesitation, he pushes into me. I could feel every inch of him. A loud moan left my mouth. Spencer hissed, feeling my walls clench around him. Spencer bottomed out, and he took a moment to catch his breath.

"(Y/N)... _shit_. You're so tight. _You feel so good_ ," he praised.

"Uhm... I thought about this all day..." I breathed out, feeling Spencer starting to move. Slow and calculated thrusts.

"Oh, naughty girl. Thinking about my cock all day, uh?" He teased, already knowing the answer.

"You know I love it. Your cock, your hands, you... all over me..." I rambled as my hands grabbed his biceps tightly when he sped up his thrusts.

As we searched for our rhythm, only moans and our names came out from our mouths. Perhaps we had already lost count of how many times we had sex before. Still, each time it happened, we both lost ourselves in the heat of the moment.

" _Can you feel that?_ how deep am I?" Spencer asked in my ear, pounding me with more purposed thrusts.

" _Oh fuck, Spencer! Yes!_ I love the way you fill me up," I panted. I had no more coherent words.

"It feels so good being inside of you... I want to put a baby in you so badly..." I didn't know if he noticed what he said at first, but I could feel the arousal picking in me. Maybe the sound of his voice or his words or both, but it felt so hot.

" _Yes! Oh, God!_ "

"I know you want that too. Say it! say you want it!" He demanded with a low and commanding voice. I couldn't do anything but oblige.

"I want you to knock me up! please, Spencer, give it to me!"

Those seemed to be magic words, as when they came out of my mouth, they only made Spencer quicken his thrusts. We were both a bundle of moans and sighs. I could feel beads of sweat running down my body. The skin-to-skin sound was lustful and primitive, but it didn't matter. We were both lost in the single goal of pleasing each other and reaching our climax.

" _Fuck (Y/N)! I'm gonna cum..._ "

"Yeah baby, me too. I can feel it. C'mon Spencer, give it to me. Let me feel you."

My walls clenched around him tightest, and I felt his cock twitched before he expulsed his warm release into me. That was enough for me to reach my own climax. My eyes squeezed shut in delight, feeling how he rode out both of our orgasms.

We stand still for a moment, trying to catch our breath. Spencer was the first to move, heading to the bathroom to clean himself and get a wet cloth for me. When he returned, I had my eyes closed.

"Are you okay?" He asked, cleaning out our activities traces from my body.

"Yeah. Now I'm tired," we both laughed at my statement.

"Me too. But we have fifteen minutes before get up and eat something before sleep."

"Just fifteen minutes? I just want cuddles and sleep," I pouted. Spencer smirked.

"(Y/N)..."

"I know, but... please. Cuddles for a while? Then we can eat something. I promise."

"Okay. Just for a while," Spencer agreed, laying down in the bed next to me. I scooted to his side. He wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Why fifteen minutes?" I asked, burying my head in his chest.

"Well, this gives the sperm enough time to travel the path to where the egg is. And while it's proven that sperm can move without the help of gravity, _maybe mine are a bit lazier_ and need some help," Spencer said, somewhat embarrassed. I smirked and planted a kiss on his jaw.

"About that. Spencer Reid, I didn't know you were such a kinky guy..." I stated, smirking at the memory of minutes ago.

"Too much?" Spencer asked, more flustered. I looked at him shaking my head and kissing his nose. It was a contrast to see him so flustered after his dominance when we were having sex. I loved that duality in him.

"Not really. I kinda liked it," I said, now kissing Spencer's lips.

"Yeah?" He asked on my lips.

"Uh-uh," I nodded.

"Well. It was the heat of the moment but I guess I have it in my mind," Spencer confessed.

"Yeah. Maybe _you did it_ this time," I teased, and Spencer laughed.

"Maybe. But if not, we can keep trying," Spencer stated, kissing my forehead.

-

And we tried. In month fourth, fifth and sixth we kept trying. It wasn't bad. We were creative enough to make it enjoyable. Exploring our kinky side and doing things in bed that we weren't used to. We searched for every moment to be together and exploit our intimacy. We used as dirty talks as we can, and even we had sex in nontraditional places like empty offices and file rooms.

But at the end of month seven, things started to crumble. I began to feel the unspoken pressure and the flaw in our intimate relationship. Spencer didn't seem so hopefully as in the beginning.

He didn't say anything. But he didn't need to. At that time, I had a false alarm. I felt dizzy frequently, I had sickness in the mornings, and I was late for my period. Spencer noticed, and his face lit up until I took the pregnancy test. It turned out negative. He didn't say a word, but I could felt the disappointment. It was just a second, but I saw it. When he realized that I noticed his reaction, Spencer started to reassure me, saying everything would be fine, and we just needed to keep trying.

I set an appointment with my doctor. Maybe I was rushing things, but _I needed to know if something was wrong_. I didn't tell Spencer about that. Hopefully, the doctor would say everything was fine, and it should be a matter of time. In the appointment, she asked me a lot of questions and recommended some tests. I told her my suspicion about the effect that my past drinking issue could have done, but she dismissed it as a potential problem. In the test results, nothing particular was found.

Nevertheless, she had some concerns about our stress levels and job tension. About that, she suggested _some time off or something like that_. Quite a difficult task, but I kept it in mind. Maybe if we were lucky enough, we could end the year with a less hectic schedule. Or maybe not.

"Okay, my fur-friends. This one is bad," Garcia started the case review. Everyone clinging to the chair. Cases of child abductions and family annihilation always bring the worst of the world to our eyes. And this one was not the exception. Lousy luck be damn, Morgan just came back from his mandatory leave, and we faced this case.

We tried to stay focused and use all the clues to locate the unsub. Child abuse or negligence was the probable cause for the unsub doing what he was doing. Now we needed to know who he was and tracking him down.

After visiting one of the victims, the abducted child's mother, I returned to the police station. I wasn't feeling so well. In my mind, I tried to convince myself that we were doing everything we could. But it seemed not enough for me. I was frustrated. In one of the offices, I spot Spencer checking some files and papers. The door was open, so I stand on the threshold to stare at him. He felt someone watching him and turned to see that it was me looking at him.

"I didn't know it was you. Are you okay?" He asked. I walked to a chair across him and sat down. I let my arms falling down to my sides.

"Ahm. Yeah. _I guess_..." I trailed off, averting his gaze.

"(Y/N), what's it?" Spencer asked with concern in his eyes. He left the papers he was reading to put his full attention on me.

"I was with JJ when the mother filmed the video to the press..." He pursed his lips, knowing what that means. "It was heartbroken, Spencer. I can't even comprehend all the pain and the guilt..."

"Yeah. I... I can't imagine that too. But because of that, we do this job. If we can have a chance to stop it, it's worth the effort," he said, reaching my hand over the desk that separated us.

This time the effort earned a reward. The unsub was shot, and we could recover the child. A mother would breathe again because she has her daughter back.

Despite the relief of closing the case without having to regret more deaths, _I was still uncomfortable_. Spencer noticed it and sat next to me on the jet on the way home. He subtly took my hand in a gesture to comfort me. While we agreed that we would avoid any PDAs while we were at work, the jet was a fuzzy space. Seeing that everyone was sleeping, I gave in to my need for comfort and snuggled against Spencer's chest. He hugged me tight, resting his chin on my head. "I love you," he whispered. I could feel my muscles relax for the first time after days in this case. "I love you too," I hummed before falling asleep in his arms.

We arrived at Quantico early that day, so the paperwork couldn't be avoided. Rossi took Morgan to an early poker night. Nobody complained. It was the first case since Morgan's return, so it didn't matter to us to take some extra work from him. JJ, Spencer, and I stayed. We ordered some take out, and we got to work.

We didn't realize that the hours passed near midnight when Penelope entered the bullpen almost with a panic attack.

"Guys! Guys!" Garcia yelled. She was a nervous mess, and she even was trembling.

"Pen, what's wrong?" I asked, pulling my hands in her shoulders to soothe her.

"It's Savannah. She... she was shot..." Hearing that, we started to panic as well.

"What?!... and Morgan?" Spencer asked.

"He was with her. They're in the hospital right now. _We have to move now!_ " Garcia pointed. We grabbed our things and rushed out of the BAU.

JJ was driving. In the meantime, I talked to Rossi on the phone to tell him what happened. We parked in the hospital, and we saw Morgan arguing with Hotch.

"I don't know! I was right here Hotch. I couldn't see anything man!"

"Okay. Of course, I believe you, but you could be the target too, so we need you to let us do our job."

"It's my wife who is in this hospital fighting for her life. Don't tell me what I can or can't do."

"Precisely. And she needs her husband right now."

Huffing in frustration, Morgan left the parking lot heading inside the hospital. Penelope joined him. We started to throw theories and facts on the table.

"Are we sure the shot wasn't for Morgan?," I asked.

"I doubted. It was easier to shot Morgan and they didn't," Hotch stated.

"Okay. But who want to hurt Savannah?," JJ wondered.

"Maybe they want to hurt Morgan hurting Savannah," Spencer stated.

With more speculations than facts, we started to work on the case. We took one of the hospital's waiting rooms and settled on it.

From time to time, someone checked on Morgan. Spencer tried to do it often because he was honestly worried about him.

"How is he?" I asked when Spencer came back one of those times.

"You can guess," he said, shrugging.

"This is a nightmare. I don't blame him," I stated. Spencer nodded, frowning.

"Me neither. But I'm worried. What if she doesn't..." I cut him off.

"She has to. Both have to," I hushed to say. Just the idea of something terrible happened to Savannah or the baby made my stomach sick. Spencer sat by my side and sighed. I shifted in my seat to grab his hand. Neither of us wanted to think in bad scenarios, so we needed to focus.

Morgan left the hospital without a word to anyone to catch the unsub by himself. That nothing helped our stress or the case itself.

"He knows where to find Montolo, and we need to stop Morgan before he ends hurt," Hotch stated when he realized what Derek did.

"Okay, but _where_?" Rossi wondered.

We tracked him in some of his renovated houses. All of us in the SUV, speeding up to the location before it would be too late. Garcia stayed in the hospital in case some news came up.

We had a great scare when Garcia connected us with Morgan on the phone. Montolo had forced him to call us to _"say goodbye."_ God, I could feel my stomach clench remembering how Foyet had killed Hotch's wife 7 years ago. We couldn't hide the panic when we heard a shot being meters away from reaching the house.

Spencer rushed out of the SUV, JJ and Hotch immediately after him. With Rossi, we arrived in the SUV that came behind. We also jumped up and ran towards the house.

Morgan managed to avoid the shot and reduced Montolo pointing at him with his gun. Such a relief. I could see Spencer relaxing a bit when he realized Morgan was okay. Everybody did.

Rossi and JJ arrested Montolo. Everyone returning to the SUV until Penelope called, saying that Savannah was in labor.

In a matter of minutes, we reached the hospital. Morgan hurried into the delivery room. We were waiting outside expectantly. Almost an hour later, Morgan came out to give us the good news.

"A healthy boy!" Morgan shouted.

All of us congratulated him. The first one who hugged Morgan was Spencer. He seemed truly happy for his friend. How couldn't he? After everything that happened, this was the best news so far. Indeed, we were delighted for him.

It may have been the decline of all the stress of the night. Still, after congratulating Morgan and Savannah, I felt exhausted and wanted to be home. It's not that I didn't like to share the happiness of my colleagues. I felt out of place and even emotionally absent. Spencer noticed and approached to ask me if I was okay.

I didn't want to upset him with my discomfort, so I replied that I was tired. He agreed with me, and we decided it was a good time to go home.

I was silent the whole way and tried my best not to let Spencer notice that something strange was happening to me. Big mistake. Obviously, he saw it, and as soon as we walked through the apartment door, he asked me what was going on.

"(Y/N)?" He asked as I walked to the living room—Spencer behind me. I sat on the couch biting my lower lip, trying to not cry. He sat in front of me, on the coffee table. "(Y/N), what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, Spencer," I blurted out, averting his gaze.

"What? Why are you sorry?" He sounded confused. I shook my head and let out a heavy sigh before look at him.

" _Maybe I can't do this,_ " I mumbled, looking at my feet this time.

"What are you talking about?" Spencer grabbed my hand with his own. The other hand on my chin, pulling up my head slightly, searching my eyes.

"I can't give you what you want and what you deserve..." I breathed out in defeat.

"What? No! Don't say that."

"I'm trying, but it isn't working. Something must be wrong with me. I saw my doctor and she said everything seems fine, but that you can never be so sure. Time could show problems anyway..." I rambled, averting his gaze again.

"Hey. Look at me."

"I..."

"No. _Don't do that_. I know you're feeling the pressure, although I tried to tell you not to do that. We are together on this, and I understand it's frustrating. But we are trying, and if in the end things turned out differently as we expected, it's okay too. We can face that. I know we can," Spencer assured me. I wanted to believe him.

I really did want to believe him. At some point, what he said, he meant it. But I was not blind either. I could see _the unspoken signs_. Maybe he didn't want to recognize it, but it was there. I know it was there: the glares when someone put the _'baby topic'_ on the table, for anything; the sighs when another pregnancy test became negative; the not loving sex on my ovulation days; the discussions about nothing just to overcome the disappointment. I could keep counting, but I loved this man. I was willing to do anything for him. But was it fair? And I not only thought about it because of me but for him as well. The situation was turning into a time bomb that was going to explode at any moment.

-

After Hank's birth, Morgan chose to leave the BAU. It was no happy news for us, but we understood the reasons. However, as always, some of us accepted the change in a better way than others. Spencer Reid, for example, didn't take it so well. When Morgan announced his departure, Spencer didn't say anything and just left the conference room. It took him days before he told me about how it affected him in the end. I knew well. And tried to be supportive with him, but sometimes - more frequently than I wished for - Spencer was impossible to reach.

We tried to focus on work. Always we did that to cope when someone left the BAU. The problem wasn't there, though.

One night I woke up and realized I was alone in bed. I checked the clock, and it was almost midnight. That day we came back home after a rough case in Tampa and got to bed early. I got up and padded to the living room. Despite the darkness, I could spot Spencer sitting on the couch.

" _Baby, what's wrong?_ Why are you here alone? A headache?" I asked with a groggy and sleepy voice.

"I'm fine. Just back to bed (Y/N)," he replied dryly. Something was off.

"If you're having troubles to sleep, I could make some tea or..." I trailed off, hoping Spencer could tell me what was bothering him.

"No. I told you I'm okay," Spencer cut me off.

" _Then come to bed with me_. You can't stay here all night without sleeping," I tried to convince him.

Spencer didn't answer. I would have thought he hadn't heard me, but the room was quiet. It was almost impossible for him not to listen to me. Just for good measure, I spoke again.

"Spencer? Baby, let's go to bed..." I told him as I walked more closer to where he was. He huffed. I didn't need to see his face to know how annoyed he felt.

"Why do you insist on that? Just leave me here. Is not a big deal (Y/N), okay?" Knowing that I could see his face thanks to the street lights peeking the curtains, he avoided my gaze.

His response was dry, and although he hadn't raised his voice much, his words echoed through the silent room and into my ears. I froze for a second, but I needed to know what was wrong with him, so I insisted. Maybe it wasn't the best strategy at that minute, but it was unfair not knowing what was going on.

" _Not a big deal?_ You are here, sitting alone, in the dark, avoiding me, and you tell me it is nothing? God Spencer, you can't say it's nothing," I complained.

"I'm not avoiding you..." He muttered.

"Sure you do. You don't want to come to bed with me..." I replied. He let out a heavy sigh.

"I just want to be alone, okay? That's so difficult to understand? Plus... I did my job for tonight." The last sentence was spoken under his breath.

"What are you talking about?"

"What I'm talking about? I'm talking about sex. We had sex already. Unless you want to do it again. That's why you need me in bed with you now?"

I felt like I had been hit on the head and was in a parallel universe. Of all the things Spencer could have said to me at the time - which could have been many - that was the one I less expected.

"Spencer, what's wrong with you? I don't want... what you got? Do you think I just want you to fuck me? Jeez..."

"C'mon (Y/N), _don't play dumb with me_. That is what we are doing for a while now." His voice sounded pained as if he was acknowledging to himself something he just realized now.

"I mean... yeah. But, you know why. Where you get that I am... what? using you?"

Beyond being confused, I was sorry to know that he felt that way. But at the same time, it made me mad to know _Spencer didn't know me at all to think that_. Possibly after pondering about it a second time, Spencer realized he had opened Pandora's box and tried to withdraw it.

"God (Y/N)... Just drop it, forget what I said, okay?" His voice softened, but it was late.

"Don't ask me that! No, after what you said." This time I raised my voice.

"It was nothing, just forget it..." Spencer tried to dismiss the topic.

"That is the real thing bothering you? Are you feeling used? Are you thinking I just want your... I can't believe it." I ran my fingers through my hair. Spencer seemed exhausted, defeated... and regretful? I didn't know.

"Please, (Y/N). I don't want to talk about this right now..." I was exhausted too. But maybe now was the time to telling the truth that was hunting us the past months.

"When you want to talk about it then?"

"I don't know! I... I just want to be quiet. _Please, leave me alone_. Just... Just for a while."

It was frustrating, but I didn't have the energy to argue either, so I just left and returned to the bedroom, slamming the door shut. I paced for a moment to calm down. _What the fuck was that?_ I laid in the bed facing the ceiling and closing my eyes. I tried to concentrate on my breathing—thousands of thoughts enacting in my mind at the same time.

I cursed myself for not being able to _live up to Spencer's expectations_. I cursed myself for _not live up to my own expectations_. I wondered if this was the life I wanted to live, and I got more frustrated knowing that I was not clear on the answer. I got out of bed again and paced the room. I couldn't find the calm I needed.

" _Fuck!!!"_ I yelled, kicking the nightstand. It wasn't enough, so I punched the wall with my right fist. If the neighbors would complain after that, I couldn't care less. My hand hurt, but I didn't care either. I just needed a way to get the anger out. I sat on the edge of the bed more exhausted than I was before, but at least my breathing normalized, and the urge to hit things subsided. I just didn't count that my outburst would alert Spencer enough to come to the bedroom to see what had happened.

"(Y/N)?..." Spencer asked, carefully opening the door and poking his head into the room.

Seeing that I didn't respond and didn't look back at him, he moved inside the bedroom and stepped closer.

"(Y/N)... Are you okay?" he asked again. I could feel a concern in his voice. He tried to place his hand on my shoulder, and I flinched, pulling his hand away.

" _Don't touch me!_ And you can't be serious. No. I'm not okay, as you can see. Thank you," I snapped at him.

"Yeah. I know it was a stupid question. But... I heard you kicking and hitting the wall... You never... and... you're bleeding..."

Spencer looked confused and started to stutter. He moved his hands, pointing to my bleeding knuckles. He wanted to take me to the bathroom to clean my wound, but he knew I didn't want him to touch me.

"What you expected? Huh? That I wouldn't react at your...? - I don't even know how to call it. _Passive outburst_?" I gestured to him with my bloody hand. Spencer moved from his spot in front of me and leaned his back in one of the bedroom walls. I don't know if he was more disturbed by my dismissive tone or by moving my injured hand as if nothing had happened, or perhaps both.

"I didn't want to..." Spencer stammered. I cut him off.

"You didn't want to say what you said? Come on, Spencer. We had been here before. Now you don't play dumb. You reached your limit and said what you were really thinking. Don't tell me otherwise." I pointed out, standing from my spot in the bed.

"I'm not going to deny that something is happening, but it's not like that. I... I'm feeling uneasy and... c'mon, you need to clean your knuckles..." He tried to reach my hand again.

"I said don't touch me!" I yelled.

"(Y/N), please..." Spencer begged. I could see regret in his eyes.

"Are we having a conversation right now? Now you want to talk?" I spat, picking some tissues from the nightstand to clean my knuckles.

"I'm just saying that this situation is taking a toll on both of us. It has been like this for a while, but it doesn't mean... God! I don't even know what's in my mind right now. I need time to process everything..." He huffed. I didn't know if it was something he was saying to me or saying it to himself. But I didn't care.

"Let me help you with that: we thought we could do something that is what supposed both wanted and we can't. Something is not working, and we are getting tired. You think I just want you to fuck me, and I think you're regretting about us. And... you know what? Maybe _now I'm regretting about us as well_ ," I blurted out.

"That's not what I'm thinking..." he tried to fight back.

"Are you sure? Because I don't blame you if you do. Everything got messy between us. Maybe you're right. _We need time to process what is happening_ ," I could feel the lump in my throat growing with each word. It was the realization about what I needed to do despite the pain that could inflict on both of us.

"What is that mean?" Spencer knew that too. But I could tell he was afraid to say at loud.

"That... that _we both need a break_. Of everything. Do you need to be quiet? Okay, I can give you that, you know?" I replied as I walked to the wardrobe, grabbing my go-bag and putting some clothes on it.

"(Y/N)..." Spencer mumbled, trying to catch my attention but failed. I continued packing the bag.

"You're right, Spencer. Sometimes things don't work as we want. So we need to think about what we want now," I said as I put some clothes over my pajamas.

"(Y/N), what are you doing?" Spencer asked now in a more firm voice.

"What you need: _giving you space_ ," I deadpanned. Spencer froze for a second.

"No. (Y/N), wait. Don't do this. Please, we can talk and look for a solution..."

"No, Spencer. It's not working like that," I replied. Tears fell uncontrollably down my face. Spencer also had his eyes red and glassy. This was something neither of us wanted to happen, but it seemed inevitable. And we both knew it. I grabbed my packed go-bag and headed to the door.

"C'mon. We can fix this." In a desperate attempt, Spencer took my arm to stop me. I could see his pleas reflected in his eyes. I just shook my head and looked him straight in the eye.

" _I don't think we can do that right now,_ " I said almost in a whisper because my voice cracked, and I had no more strength to continue arguing. Spencer released my arm, and I walked down the hall to the apartment door, grabbing my coat and car keys. Spencer followed behind me, not knowing what else to do to stop me.

"Where are you going?..." His voice cracked as well.

"I don't know. But I can't stay here. I'm sorry," I apologized before closing the door behind me and not looking back.

"(Y/N)!" Spencer's voice muffled was the last thing I heard before I took the stairs down.

I drove through the city, not knowing where to go. I felt lost. Even though it was my decision, it didn't hurt less. Maybe it wasn't the most grown-up reaction, but I was tired. The last few months weighed on me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I could have gone to a hotel, which was my first thought, but my unconscious led me to the person I knew won't ask too much and know better: _Rossi_.

As the door opened, I saw David Rossi look at me with concern. It only took him 5 seconds to realize my pathetic state. With one of his arms, he took mine to lead me inside his house. He closed the door and hugged me tightly. Losing myself in his embrace, I couldn't stop my crying.

"Eh, Bella. It's okay. It's okay..." Rossi whispered, worried that if he spoke in a higher tone, I might collapse further.

"I'm sorry. I woke you up..." I mumbled between sobs.

"No. Don't apologize for that. What happened, Bella?" he asked, rubbing my back to soothe me.

" _I'm tired_ , Rossi, _I'm so tired_..." I could feel my limbs failing me.

"I know. It's okay being tired (Y/N)," he reassured me.

"I'm a bad person. I'm so selfish, but I can't help it..."

"No. Don't say that. You are not a bad person (Y/N). You have the right to be overwhelmed," Rossi told me. He didn't know what happened with Spencer, but sure he suspected something.

Being a profiler and living among profilers guarantees that everyone knows what is happening to you without knowing what it is and why. It is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

"But he's been through a lot... and I understand, it's just that there are times when I don't even know how to even talk to him..." I rambled. I didn't feel the need to be more specific; he knew.

"Kid had the ability to push people away. We both know that," Rossi stated, pulling me off from our embrace to look at me and dry some of the tears from my face.

"Yeah. I know that too, but I thought we... we had overcome that, that I had managed to overcome that obstacle in him."

" _I'm sorry, Bella,_ " he declared, giving me an apologetic look. I nodded.

"Rossi, can... can I stay here tonight? I thought to go to a hotel but..." I mumbled.

Perhaps it was too daring of me to arrive at his house at dawn and in that condition. He had never seen me like this. But David Rossi proved to me, once more, that without needing to say much, he can be there for you when you need him.

"All the time you need, you don't have even to ask. Now, c'mon... I'm going to make some tea for both of us," Rossi told me, patting my shoulder and leading me to the kitchen.

*********************

After that night, I hadn't heard from (Y/N). When she left the apartment, it was nearly 2 am on Saturday. I thought about following her downstairs, but I didn't know it was a good idea after our argument. Nonetheless, I stayed sitting on the couch, just as (Y/N) found me when she woke up a few hours ago.

My mind repeated the scene _over and over again_. Something like this was not supposed to happen. That night wasn't supposed to end the way it did. I wanted to use the night's darkness and calm, precisely to clear my thoughts and not disturb (Y/N).

What kind of thoughts? Well, about everything. The last cases we had; my mom's new experimental treatment, Derek and Montolo's last encounter; our attempts to have a baby with (Y/N) in the past months, Derek's departure; my relationship with (Y/N); my life as well? Maybe that too.

Not that I had doubts about my feelings for (Y/N), of course not. But I couldn't ignore the _wear and tear_ between us. Or at least I saw it that way. Many times I felt like I was walking on eggshells with her. I knew this could be a hundred times more exhausting for her than it was for me. But trying to appear calm and composed when disappointment overtakes you is difficult too. And at the end of the day, it was evident that she noticed it.

We were both _tired and fearful_. Neither wanted to upset the other with fears about things are not working as we like. Less we tried to put on the table the doubts about whether we were in the right way or if we had any direction at all.

We are both _stubborn_. Over time, I think we managed to find a balance. Although, when our ground trembles, it is difficult not to return to that original state of self-defense, self-marginalization, and closing ourselves off from the world. And sure (Y/N) will say that is in me only, but she also succumbs when the situation is overwhelming.

No, I'm not blaming her for what happened. On the opposite, being aware of our dynamics, I didn't anticipate that this would happen sooner than later.

I tried to imagine a possible solution. Sure I did. _My mind works like this_. But I freeze when it comes to things that do not necessarily have one. This could be the case. _Time?_ (Y/N) agreed that we needed to assimilate the situation, and that takes time. _Distance?_ (Y/N) put it on the table and acted on it, but I wasn't sure if that was something that could help us.

 _Help us to what?_ I wondered later. And thinking about an answer, I started to quiver. In my mind, the idea of a _"non-us"_ wasn't considered, but I couldn't be blind and not see it as a possible outcome.

I loved her. Of course, I love her. Why would it be different? I know she had doubts. I guess everyone has doubts at some point, but if I talk about me, the moment I realized I couldn't stay without her was enough to be sure. I tried to show her that all this time, but I think I failed. And what if it were true that love isn't enough to build a long-term relationship. So, what we missed?

We needed to talk, and it needed to happen when we both would be calm enough. Despite my desperation to know where (Y/N) was staying, I pushed myself to remain composed and wait... a bit at least. I texted her at midday on Saturday, and I didn't get a reply. I called her after dinner time that day, and she didn't answer. On Sunday, I tried again and texted her in the afternoon, but the same result.

Monday morning was strange. I woke up alone in bed and started my morning routine. I tried not to think about how I already been missing her. I know, just two days passed, but the knot in my stomach was there.

I arrived at the bullpen, and JJ was the first person who saw me. Not only that, she could tell something was off looking at my face and the fact I came alone.

"I don't know if I want to ask, but something happened to you. You look as if you _didn't sleep the whole weekend_." I couldn't disagree with that statement.

"Yeah, you could tell..."

"Spencer, what's wrong?" She looked worried, but I didn't want to be specific about it, so I ran with the stereotypical response.

"Nothing. Just a rough couple of days..." I trailed off as I saw (Y/N) passing the glass doors. Then JJ knew.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me, but I guess it's serious seeing that (Y/N) looks just like you right now." I let out a sigh and shrugged.

Indeed (Y/N) looked as she didn't sleep in the past few days, but she tried to cover it with a severe-professional expression and well-done makeup.

"You're right. _We fought on Friday_. We didn't talk since then..." I slipped, following (Y/N) with my gaze.

"I'm sorry, Spence. Maybe you could talk today. I'm sure you both can resolve whatever is bothering you guys."

"I hope so," I mumbled, seeing as (Y/N) sat on her desk, avoiding making eye contact with me. JJ gave me a sympathetic pat on my shoulder and returned to her desk.

Almost instinctively, I moved my feet and walked over to her desk. Standing next to her, she felt compelled to look at me.

"Hi," I muttered. No more words came out.

"Hi," she returned. An awful silence settled between us.

"I... I was worried about where you were staying the weekend..." I didn't know if it was the best approach, but I needed to start saying something.

"Don't worry. I have a good place to stay..." (Y/N) replied. Almost equal nonspecific as my last statement.

"Okay. Good... Good." _Why my words failed me at that moment?_ I needed them, and I was there, frozen in front of the most important person for me in the last four years.

"Yeah. Good," (Y/N) replicated. Then a strong thought left my mouth.

"Are you coming back today? I mean... come back home?" I asked in a hopeful tone. She let out a small sigh.

" _I don't think so_ , Spencer," she replied, almost apologetic.

"Why not?"

"You were right. _We need time_ ," (Y/N) said simply.

"I know what I said, but time doesn't mean distance..." I tried to explain. It was somewhat stupid, but I didn't have anything else. A faint smile spread across her face.

"Okay genius. So I guess we need both..."

"(Y/N)... please. We need to talk about this. We can't make this kind of decision so lightly." (Y/N) shook her head.

" _Lightly_ , Spencer? We both know this could happen at some point."

I wanted to try to explain myself about my last sentence, but when I was about to open my mouth, Hotch's voice boomed in the bullpen.

"We have a case, conference room at 5," Hotch spoke as he moved from his office to Rossi's.

"(Y/N)..." I tried to resume my idea, but (Y/N) cut me off.

"Not now Spencer. We have a case," she hastened to say. And so she left me without saying anything else, going up the stairs to the conference room.

"Four women have been found dead in similar circumstances: two months ago, Aileen Robertson, 34 years old, in South Bend. A month ago, Samantha Loman, 32 years old, in Rockford; two weeks ago, Rose Hartman, 35 years old, in Michigan City; and last night, Kate Foster, 34 years old, in downtown Chicago. All of them with multiple stab wounds in all their bodies," Penelope said, wincing at her own words.

"What makes them think it's the same killer?" Asked Rossi.

"Forensic evidence indicates that the type of wound and the spots where they were stabbed are similar in all victims," Penelope replied.

"In addition to the physical similarity between the victims," Tara added.

"Were the victims from the areas where they were found?" I asked.

"No. Except for Samantha Loman who lived in Rockford, everyone else lived in Chicago," Garcia stated.

"Why bother to leave the bodies in places that weren't related to the victims?" JJ asked.

"Perhaps a forensic countermeasure," (Y/N) added.

"Or the places have special meaning to the unsub," I pointed out.

"The question is what connects these victims in addition to their physical resemblance. Are they just surrogates for someone in the unsub's life or is there something else connecting them?" Rossi wondered.

"Garcia, get more information about the victims and their personal life, we'll check more details on the jet. Wheels up in 20," Hotch finished. All stood up and headed to our desks. I followed (Y/N) with my gaze, but I didn't dare to say anything.

Before we could reach the jet, I made my last attempt with (Y/N). On the tarmac, I spot her grabbing her travel bag from one of the SUVs. Before I could say anything, she put the wall between us.

"Spencer, please. _I told you this is not the time or the place_..." she started speaking without making eye contact.

"I know. I... I just want you to know that I'm sorry. And... I would like to talk about it. Please, don't think I don't want to. I promise I won't bother you during the case, but if you want I'll be there, okay?" I offered. She nodded in agreement.

"Okay. I promise we'll talk when this case is over. Deal?"

"Yeah. Thank you," I replied, stepping back from where (Y/N) was and heading to the jet.

Sure we didn't be so subtle in maintaining our distance. I could notice Hotch, Rossi, and JJ's glances in the jet. We only spoke when we were reviewing the case's details. If no one had seen us apart before, now it was evident.

When we got to Chicago, Hotch was careful not to make us work together. He sent me to the ME with JJ. Rossi and Tara would interview the victims' families. Hotch and (Y/N) would settle in the local police station.

JJ tried to get me to talk about what happened with (Y/N). Although I trusted JJ, I knew she might have a skewed opinion given how difficult it was for her to accept (Y/N) as my girlfriend. Maybe I was overthinking, but I didn't feel like talking either, so I tried to stay focused on the case.

"The COD is consistent with multiple stab wounds throughout the body, mainly in vital organs such as the heart," the ME stated when we asked for details.

"Signs of prior or subsequent sexual abuse?" I asked.

"None," he declared.

"There are ligature marks on their wrists and ankles. That means the unsub held them back for a while," JJ pointed out.

"If we calculate that their bodies were found at least two days apart from the potential time of death, the unsub needs a place to keep them," I added.

"Are there other injuries besides the stab wounds?" JJ asked the ME.

"There are _cuts_ in certain parts of the body, which have differences in time due to the state of healing. At least a few hours apart," he replied.

"That means the unsub tortures them. He stays with them almost all the time," I concluded. JJ nodded.

"And the toxicology screen?" JJ asked again.

"Nothing that stands out. We tried to probe the most common drugs, and nothing showed up. We looked for traces of topical sedatives as well and nothing," the ME told us.

"He restrains them by force. He didn't use drugs to weaken them before," JJ noted.

"In their condition, maybe restrains them wouldn't be difficult either," the coroner commented.

"What condition?" JJ hastened to ask.

" _Pregnancy_. Although not decisive, pregnancy reduces certain external motor functions to concentrate the irrigation to the fetus," the ME said.

"Which of them was pregnant?" I questioned.

"All of them," the coroner replied. JJ and I looked at each other with a mixture of astonishment and horror at the same time.

That information was something that could completely change our first assumptions. JJ called Tara and Rossi and requested them to examine with the victims' relatives what they knew about their pregnancies.

According to the coroner's information, they were early pregnancies, not physically visible, between 8 and 12 weeks.

I called Garcia and asked her to search the victims' medical records. We needed to find out who else could know about this.

In this job, I had seen _twisted things_. Sometimes things that you don't think a human being is capable of. And when you are sure that nothing can surprise or shock you so much, something new appears. In this case, to think that the unsub knew about the victims' pregnancy and that it could even be part of his fantasy was repulsive. For a minute, I started to fear how (Y/N) could react to this finding.

We arrived at the police station half an hour later. Hotch was reading the victims' files. (Y/N) looked at the board where the city map was pinned. In the map, she marked some points and some paths between those points.

"What did you find out?" Hotch asked us. (Y/N) turned, hearing Hotch's question. I didn't dare to speak first this time.

JJ began to relate what the ME had told us. I could notice a grimace of discomfort on (Y/N) when JJ said that all the victims were pregnant. I avoided making eye contact with her, but I was aware of her reactions.

"So either the unsub didn't know and it's a horrible coincidence or the unsub had very personal information on all of them..." JJ concluded.

"Maybe there is another horrible coincidence or not a coincidence at all..." (Y/N) muttered.

"Why do you say that?" JJ questioned.

"We already knew about the physical resemblance. We knew that the places where the bodies were found are not connected to their neighborhoods or working places too. But thinking about this, Hotch wondered where they could have known the unsub. So, I asked Garcia to analyze their cars' GPS records in the last few months so I could trace their usual routes looking for a coincidence. All routes cross this quadrant," replied (Y/N), indicating a point in the map.

"And what is there?" I asked.

"At first nothing that stood out for me. _Until now_. A church, a school, a car rental company, and a clinic... an abortion clinic," (Y/N) stated, pursing her lips. She was upset, but she tried to hide it.

"The unsub could meet them there?" JJ asked.

"It's possible. We don't have information to set the victims in the church or the school or the car rental company. Neither the abortion clinic... yet. But now it's a possibility," (Y/N) concluded.

According to the medical records, we were able to find out that all the victims had undergone gynecological visits and that all had had a sonogram at least. But comparing this information with what the family members knew, only Rose and Kate's family were aware of their pregnancies. In Aileen and Samantha's case, their parents didn't know but suspected that their boyfriends could have knowledge about that.

"Neither Aileen Robertson's boyfriend nor Samantha Loman's knew about the pregnancy," Tara noted, when we were all in the conference room comparing notes and findings that afternoon.

"Not even any suspicions?... that's weird, since they lived with them," JJ questioned.

"James Natter said that Aileen had been traveling a lot for work and that they saw each other only a few hours a day. He hadn't noticed anything special. Patrick Silver said that with Samantha it was something they were planning but that she hadn't told him anything." Rossi said.

"They may not have told them anything because they didn't want to end the pregnancy." Tara added.

I was listening to the team speak, and at the same time, I was going through the file with the victims' financial records. But when Rossi mentioned Patrick Silver's name, something clicked in my head. I knew I remembered that name for some reason, but I didn't find the connection until I saw (Y/N) 's face, which was wholly contorted. That's when I remembered.

_"Jill… was pregnant… pregnant with her ex. Just thinking of that son of a bitch's name makes me sick. Patrick Silver._

_The night of the accident, she told him about the baby. And you know what the bastard did? He denied it! And not only that, he attacked Jill physically and psychologically. He treated her like the worst scum in the world. Jill managed to run away, disoriented and devastated. She ran across the street without looking. That's when the car hit her. The last thing she said to me before she died was what Patrick had done… and I couldn't do anything to make him pay for what he did to her!"._

I looked up at (Y/N), who quickly grabbed Samantha's file and started frantically going through it. No one noticed the change in (Y/N)'s attitude. I kept my gaze on her but couldn't get her to look up from her file until she found what she was looking for: a photograph of Samantha's boyfriend. Her face clouded over, and her hands began to shake. At that moment, we exchanged glances for the first time that day. She knew that I knew. She looked back at the file, trying to convince herself of what she was seeing. When she realized that the person in the photograph was the same person she remembered, her face's pallor increased, and her eyes began to fill with tears. She quickly got up from the chair, excusing herself and leaving the room without saying anything. Only Rossi and Hotch noticed her abrupt exit as the rest continued discussing the case. I only managed to get up from the chair, also excuse myself and go after her.

I found her outside the police station, specifically in the parking lot. She was leaning against the wall, and with her hands, she was massaging her temples.

"(Y/N)..." I whispered so as not to scare her with my sudden presence. She looked at me. "Is he?" I asked. Although I knew the answer. She nodded.

"Yes, it's him. I didn't think you were going to remember..." (Y/N) murmured, trying to control her limbs' trembling.

"I do... and I know that on the tarmac I promised you not... but... I… can I hug you?" I asked cautiously. She pondered my offer for a second. She knew that she was not feeling well and that she could collapse at any second. (Y/N) didn't say anything and just nodded. I took that as my cue and leaned to hug her. Immediately she clung to me and buried her head in my chest, crying hard. "It's okay. Everything will be okay..." I murmured, muffling my words in her hair. She didn't say anything, but I really hoped my words could help her in some way. What I didn't know at that minute was that it was going to take more than my words to stop the coming storm.

———————

_“I've got something to say, might start a riot_

_Rip that tape from my mouth, I won't be quiet_

_'Cause everything is nothing 'til you realize it's something you want…”_

———————


	12. Set Fire to the Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader has to face a ghost from her past. Can she do it without stumbling? What consequences will this have for the relationship between Reader and Spencer? Warnings: ANGST-PURE ANGST. TW: References to death, physical and phycological abuse. Case description involving pregnant women and abortion (this is fiction, but be aware of this if you are not okay with this topic).

_———————_

_“I let it fall, my heart_

_And as it fell, you rose to claim it_

_It was dark and I was over_

_Until you kissed my lips and you saved me_

_My hands, they were strong_

_But my knees were far too weak_

_To stand in your arms_

_Without falling to your feet…”_

——————–

_"Miss, please, we need to do our job. Please give us space." A hand grabbed my arm, trying to pull me out of the stupor and trying to get me up off the floor so the paramedics could work. Her eyes never opened again; despite the paramedics' effort to kept her alive, she didn't even make it to the hospital._

That was my last memory of Jill alive. I dreamed of the same scene, over and over, night after night—her last words echoing in my memory. And now, when I thought the wound healed, I realized it didn't. It never healed at all. And it won't if there is unfinished business taunting around. I can lie to myself, and I can lie to the rest of the world about that.

_"I need to see her," I rasped. The nurse looked at me sympathetically._

_"Are you sure, Miss? Don't you think it's better to keep the last memory of your friend when she was alive and well?" the nurse told me. But she didn't know. But she will never know._

_"I saw her die already. I don't think this could be worst. Besides, I need to say goodbye," I replied bitterly. The nurse just nodded and led me to the room where she was._

-

I don't know how long I kept in Spencer's arms, shedding the tears I was holding back. At the time, I didn't care about the problems we both had in our relationship. My mind suppressed any reference to that. I could only cling to him until I could compose myself. Spencer only blurted out single words to try to quell the tornado of emotions that ran through my body. When my breathing steadied and my sobs stopped, I managed to free myself from his embrace.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"It's okay," he replied quietly.

I nodded, taking a deep breath: inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth several times. Spencer had all of his attention on me, and he only moved back from me a little when I was no longer a bundle of tears and trembling.

"What do you want to do?" Spencer asked me. I looked at him oddly.

"To do? What do you mean?" I asked back.

"Will you tell Hotch to take you off the case? I mean, I think it would be better in these circumstances." I knew Spencer's good intentions, but that wasn't an option for me. Also, knowing that Silver might be a person of interest in the investigation, no way.

"No, I'm not going to do that. I need to work on this case," I pointed out with confidence. Spencer frowned, probably thinking I was insane. I could see the gears moving inside his brain.

"Are you sure? I don't think it's a good idea..."

"Yes, I know what you are thinking. You assume my judgment will be clouded because of Silver. But no, I assure you that will not happen." Although my voice sounded steady, I could see Spencer's hesitant face.

"Sorry to say so, but you can't be sure this won't affect your work on the case," Spencer insisted. But I wasn't going to back down.

"I do know it won't. Spencer, I know what I'm doing. Can you trust me for this, please?"

"But you will tell Hotch, right?" Spencer questioned.

"I guess, but not now because he will want to get me off the case," I mused.

"(Y/N)..." I could feel the reproachful tone mixed with fear in his voice.

"Please, Spencer. I'll tell Hotch, I promise. But not now. We have to have more information first. I have to be sure," I told him.

"Sure about what?" Spencer asked, confused.

"Sure that Silver is our unsub," I replied. Spencer's eyes widened in panic.

"Hey! Wait a minute. So far, we only know he was one of the victim's boyfriend, but nothing else," Spencer rushed to say.

"I know. Yes, I know. That's why we need more evidence. True, he may not be our unsub, but we have to be sure and not overlook anything," I insisted.

Spencer looked at me silently, pondering what was the right thing to do, even though he knew it, and it was precisely the opposite of what I was asking of him.

"Okay. Let's get more information. But I need you to talk to me all the time, okay? Don't hide things from me, deal?" I nodded in agreement.

Was this unfair to Spencer? Yes. I was practically asking him to lie to Hotch - and the entire team - by covering up my personal connection to this case. But I had no other choice. And I trusted that he would understand my reasons. It was kind of selfish, I know.

When we got back to the conference room, Hotch looked at us both, analyzing the situation and possibly trying to anticipate what was going on with us. We sat in silence, avoiding eye contact just in case.

*********

To say that I wasn't worried and terrified at the same time would be the biggest lie of the century. The resolution with which (Y/N) ruled out leaving the case, caused all the red flags to go up in my brain. Indeed, I couldn't judge her, but it didn't prevent me from being concerned about how this could affect the case, and above all, how it could affect her. After the nights we shared talking about how difficult it was to live after what happened with Jill, I couldn't believe that (Y/N) wouldn't succumb to the pressure. But she asked me to trust her. It was a valid request. But as I needed to trust her, she needed to trust me on this and not get me blind. It was the only way I could help her.

"Okay, Garcia, tell us what you found," Hotch asked as we could all hear Penelope on the speaker.

"I was looking for some relationship between the abortion clinic and the victims. It turns out that Kate Foster and Rose Hartman visited the clinic a few weeks before their deaths. Kate was with her boyfriend Robert, and they spoke with Dr. Theodore Flynn. Rose went alone and also spoke to Dr. Flynn. But beyond that, the clinic has no records of any scheduled procedures with either Kate or Rose."

"What about Aileen and Samantha?" JJ asked. I could see how (Y/N) shifted slightly in her seat.

"Aileen Robertson does not have registered visits to the clinic, but a friend of hers, Romina Altman, does. Samantha also has no record of any appointments at the clinic, but she was Dr. Flynn's friend. At least you can say that by looking at their social networks," Garcia said.

"What about Dr. Flynn? Who is he?" Rossi asked.

"I can tell you that right now," Garcia chirped while we could hear her typing on her computer. "Okay! Theodore Flynn, 40, a graduate obstetrician from the University of Chicago. He worked five years as chief of the neonatology area at the University of Illinois Hospital. Then he opened a private obstetrician center downtown. He is still working there, but two years ago, he started at the Common Health Center, or as we know it now, the abortion clinic."

"From unit chief to an abortion clinic?" Tara asked.

"Is money a motivation for that?" Rossi wondered.

"What about his personal life?" (Y/N) asked.

"Dr. Flynn is born in Georgia and left his hometown to study medicine in Chicago. Married to Victoria Flynn... oh well, now divorced from Victoria Flynn - why am I not surprised... Anyway, they married when he graduated from medicine and then divorced three years after becoming neo's chief at Illinois Hospital. No children. No, wait... Oh!" Garcia gasped.

"What's it, Garcia," Hotch asked, concerned.

"Victoria Flynn married again last year and gave birth to a healthy boy four months ago." 

We all look at each other with the feeling of having found a trigger. It was probable, the first murder was two months ago, but everything was circumstantial; we weren't even clear about the profile yet.

"Okay, Garcia, we need more information about Flynn but Aileen and Samantha as well. It's late, so we are going to review this again in the morning."

"Yes, sir. Tomorrow first hour, you'll have everything," Garcia said before hanging out the call.

"It's almost 2 am. We need to rest and start fresh tomorrow. So, everyone come back to the hotel now, and I'll see you in the morning," Hotch instructed. Nobody complained, but I could see (Y/N) deep in thoughts flipping the ME's report over and over. Everyone minus Hotch (Y/N) and I left the room. Hotch furrowed. To avoid the inevitable question, I stood up, gathering my things, and tried to catch (Y/N) 's attention.

"We should go," I stated, close enough to get her out of her trance. She noticed and followed my lead.

"Yeah. Yes. You're right." Before we could pass the door, Hotch spoke.

"(Y/N)... can you stay a minute?" She looked at me first, then returned to Hotch and nodded. I looked at her too. Her eyes were trying to disguise worry.

"I'll wait for you outside," I mumbled.

"Okay," she replied, pursing her lips and nodding again.

I left the room and headed outside the police station.

Precisely 10 minutes later, (Y/N) left the station. We walked in silence to one of the SUVs that we would use to go to the hotel.

On the way to our destination, I asked her what Hotch wanted. She frowned and shifted into the seat. She looked uncomfortable.

"He wanted to know what was wrong with me. Why did I suddenly leave the meeting room this afternoon, and if it had to do with you," (Y/N) explained.

"What did you say to him?"

"I said... yes. I told him it was something that had to do with you, but that he didn't need to worry because we were focused on working on the case and that there would be no problems" (Y/N) replied. I kept silent, driving, and focus. "I'm sorry, Spencer, I didn't want to lie like that, let alone have to involve you in this way, but you know Hotch..." she tried to apologize.

"You should have told him," I mumbled without taking my eyes off the road. (Y/N) sighed.

"Spencer, I already told you my reasons ..." she answered. It didn't matter how many times I insisted; (Y/N) wasn't going to back down.

When we reached the hotel, we parted ways in the third-floor corridor where our rooms were facing each other.

"Will you be okay?" I asked her. I just wanted to make sure if she needed to talk, she had the option.

"Yes, I think so..."

"Okay. If you need anything, you know where to find me," I said, then grabbed my key and unlocked the door to my room.

"Spencer?" (Y/N) said suddenly. I turned again to look at her.

"I promise we'll talk about us when this case is over, okay?"

"Yeah, right," I mumbled and stepped inside my room, closing the door behind me.

I didn't mean to be rude, but I was sure she said that just so I wouldn't feel bad or kind of. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt... maybe disposable? Irrelevant? Non-significant? I tried to think of a word to describe the feeling, but I couldn't. That night I barely slept, and for sure (Y/N) neither.

The next morning, JJ and I were assigned to interview Dr. Flynn. While Hotch and Tara would talk to the ex-wife, Rossi and (Y/N) would go back to the victimology.

Theodore Flynn could be an excellent example of how a successful life _can collapse in five seconds_. Besides what Garcia had told us the day before, in the words of Flynn himself, his life _sucked_. That didn't make him bad at his job. The private clinic and the abortion clinic seemed to be a good source of income for Flynn. But there was something wrong with our initial assumptions: Flynn could be anything but a narcissist in search of fame and recognition. His own traumas made him an introvert, but was that enough to be a serial killer?

We meet with the team before lunch in the conference room to discuss our findings. One of the first conclusions, returning to the forensic report, was that although there were definite patterns in the victims' wounds, the tools used did not appear very sophisticated. The unsub wanted to brag about the killings: the places where the bodies were found, the disposition, the injuries, everything screamed _'hey! Look what I did.'_ (Y/N) and Rossi, who made a more detailed analysis of this, concluded that there was no regret in the victims' deaths. The unsub was narcissistic enough and controlled. He was methodical, and for sure that it wasn't the first time that he did something like that.

Those of us who followed Dr. Flynn's clue agreed that while he might meet the circumstantial conditions to be the killer, his personality was far from that unless we were missing something.

"Okay, let's go back to the first victim: Aileen Robertson. Why her?" Hotch asked.

"We're assuming she was the first," Rossi interrupted. Something in Rossi's words made (Y/N) wince.

"But if it was Flynn, why?" Hotch insisted.

"Aileen Robertson was Romina Altman's friend, who had an abortion at the clinic. If his motivation was to look for women who were pregnant, why didn't she attack Romina first," JJ wondered.

"Maybe Aileen knew something about Flynn, or she threatened him for Romina. According to Flynn's ex-wife, it wasn't unusual for the doctor to get involved with his patients," Tara said.

"What about Samantha Loman?" Hotch asked.

"Flynn's friend, they met when Samantha interned at the University of Illinois Hospital. Very good friends. They tended to hang out regularly," JJ replied. "But he claims he hasn't seen her in the last six months," JJ added.

"Wait, but Samantha's GPS put her in the clinic two months ago, just a few weeks before her death," (Y/N) interrupted.

"Pretty accurate, my clever girl," Garcia chirped on the other end of the phone. "Looking at Flynn's financial records, it's been about six months before Samantha's death that Flynn made no payments at the cafe where they tended to hang out. And as for the GPS, it's true what it says (Y/N), but there are no records of his visits on the cameras," Garcia said.

"Why did they stop seeing each other for so long?" Hotch asked.

"Samantha had started a new relationship, and Flynn didn't like her boyfriend. He commented that the last time they saw each other, she seemed nervous, like she was hiding from someone. He guessed that maybe her boyfriend was a little jealous, but he didn't want to overwhelm her with questions," JJ stated. (Y/N) immediately shot me a knowing look.

"And who is the boyfriend?" Hotch asked again.

"Patrick Silver," Tara replied. (Y/N)' s face contorted, but only I could note that.

-

When Silver got on the team's radar, things started going too fast to stop (Y/N). After an initial investigation, we learned enough about Silver that began to raise suspicions. Still, we had nothing concrete to put him as our unsub. While his personality seemed to fit the profile, the lack of evidence made it impossible to blame him for the murderers. On the other hand, all the evidence pointed to Flynn. That gave us headaches as the local police wanted to arrest Flynn no matter what and close the case.

Assuredly, the most frustrated was (Y/N). On several occasions, I had to intervene when she was about to lose her temper because a local police officer questioned the team's efforts to clarify the evidence. That also happened when someone on the team tried to put some other theory on the table. (Y/N) managed to work focused without raising suspicions about her personal connection with the case, but three days later, this was no longer working.

The times I tried to talk to (Y/N), she was honest with me telling me that it was getting difficult to stay neutral but that despite that, she was not going to drop the case. I tried to be understanding, but it also hurt me to see how (Y/N) tortured herself with images from her past, how she tried to hide her desire for revenge behind the justice that these four victims deserved.

The more the theory that Silver was our killer grew, the more distorted the case became. We hypothesized that the first death - Aileen Robertson - had been a forensic countermeasure to cover the real murder Silver wanted to commit: his girlfriend, Samantha. We didn't find out until a few days later in the investigation that Aileen was in a relationship with Flynn. What about Kate Foster and Rose Hartman? They were killings to frame Flynn directly. The theory, though twisted, made sense. The problem was that we had no way to connect Silver with Kate and Rose.

Why pregnant women? Here, Patrick Silver's figure definitely becomes wicked. His modus operandi was more than killing the victims and planting their bodies in broad daylight. There would be a desire for control transferred to a specific type of woman. (Y/N) didn't say it at first, but when she showed me a picture of Jill on her phone, I understood why her suspicions came up so quickly: the similarities were undeniable. He was a killer who developed as a carbon copy from a serial killer's book.

By the fifth day of investigation, we were more clear that Silver was our unsub. But we needed to prove that he had planted Kate and Rose's medical records at the abortion clinic. We called him for questioning. (Y/N) insisted that she be the one to do that, to which Hotch agreed. After all, (Y/N) connected the latest victims and the hospital from which their medical records were stolen. Hotch thought she could make him talk.

I managed to intercept (Y/N) before she entered the interrogation room.

"Are you sure you want to do this? JJ could question him..." I said. She shook her head.

"Spencer, you know I have to do this," she mumbled before pierced the room, closing the door behind her.

The interrogation began like any other. (Y/N) introduced herself, and with the file open, she started asking questions. Just as she suspected, Silver didn't recognize her. It had been almost fourteen years, and he was never very close to Jill's friends.

"C'mon. You have to be kidding me. Why would I kill my girlfriend? And three more women? That's insane!" Silver yelled when (Y/N) pushed him further after an hour of interrogation.

"It is?" (Y/N) asked, keeping her voice steady.

"Yeah. Of course, it is. What kind of proof do you have against me? Nothing! Because I did nothing!" He huffed a laugh.

"Please, let's not kid ourselves. In all these days, you've been more concerned about the possible evidence against you than knowing who actually killed your girlfriend" (Y/N) bickered.

"For sure, I care who killed my girlfriend! But you are here asking me this when you have your killer in custody! This is harassment!" He shouted.

"Am I intimidating you, Patrick?" (Y/N) questioned him laughing.

"Of course not. Don't fool yourself..." Silver replied, visibly annoyed. 

"So why are you nervous? Did you do something wrong?" she asked mockingly.

I must admit that (Y/N) did an excellent job of unbalancing Silver. Our profile indicated that the unsub didn't like being challenged by women. Even worse, being questioned by a higher authority woman could throw him off his position of superiority.

I admired her ability to face one of her great ghosts and stay focused. But that lasted only until Silver connected the dots after the second hour of interrogation.

"Wait a minute. _I know you!_ You're (Y/L/N). (Y/N) (Y/L/N). We went to the same college, you... you were Jill's friend," Silver stated when the memory hit him. 

I could see how (Y/N) swallowed hard before answering, trying, by all means, to remain calm. Meanwhile, I felt Rossi and Hotch's gazes on my neck. I didn't want to look back at them.

"It's possible, but we're not here for that," (Y/N) replied dryly.

"Yes! It's you! Sure I knew you from somewhere. You were Jill's friend. I remember you at the funeral. And I also remember how you yelled at me, _'you killed her'_ when I approached Jill's coffin. Sure! How could I forget? You were the only one who believed that I had hurt my girlfriend. Just like you are doing now, what a coincidence!" Silver said, laughing.

(Y/N) was silent for a few seconds. There was no longer any case in denying the undeniable.

"Oh, now you have memory, haven't you?" she mocked, trying to hide the rage that was rising through her body.

"I can't believe it! You did the same fourteen years ago. You blamed me for her death. Funny, considering it was a car accident. And now you want to hang on me four deaths? What is your problem with me, uh?" Patrick asked, folding his arms over his chest.

"What's he talking about, Reid?" Hotch asked me right away. Seeing me with clenched fists, he knew that I knew what was going on in there.

"No one blamed you for hitting her with a car. You were blamed for abusing her and torturing her. She was pregnant with your child, for God's sake," (Y/N) replied, barely controlling her voice. Her jaw was clenched, and her fists gripped. I could see her knuckles turn white.

"I didn't do that. Did I? Tell me, agent (Y/L/N), do you have any proof of that?" Now it was Patrick who enjoyed watching (Y/N) struggle to maintain control.

" _Reid!_ " Hotch repeated. I knew that (Y/N) had missed the opportunity to break Silver. This needed to stop. I couldn't keep watching how that bastard trampled (Y/N) on the floor.

"Hotch, _please_ take her out of the interrogation," I begged without taking my eyes off the glass.

"You ask if I have evidence? I saw the ligatured marks on her ankles and wrists! I saw the rips in her skin that you made with the knife. I saw it. And you did it. It's a shame there isn't enough evidence after so many years. My memory is the only proof for me. But if it isn't for Jill, it will be for your other victims: you will have to pay, Patrick, and I'm going to take care of that, did you hear me?! This time you'll pay!" (Y/N) was yelling at Silver, who looked undaunted. Hotch rushed into the room and instructed (Y/N) to get out.

(Y/N) couldn't stop looking at Silver, who smirked. With clenched fists, she bit her lip and abruptly left the room, walking past Hotch without saying a word. I tried to reach her when she came out, but she didn't stop, leaving the police station quickly. In that second, Hotch came out and stopped me.

"Reid. What was that? If you know something I don't, you have to tell me right now," Hotch demanded.

"(Y/N) must talk to you about that. She could explain to you..." I trailed off.

"Did you see her outburst there? This could cost this case. Silver could sue the bureau for this, and he can do it with substantial evidence: harassment, false allegations, threats. Need I continue?" This was one of the few times I saw Hotch raise his voice. He didn't yell, sure, it's not his style, but he seemed more than upset.

"I know that Hotch... but he's our unsub. You know that too," I stated. Hotch frowned, and in the same firm and demanding voice, he spoke again.

"I want both of you in the chief's office in five; it's that clear?" he instructed.

"Yes," I replied, and I saw him heading to the main meeting room.

I left the station in search of (Y/N). After going to the parking lot, I found her in the same place as the first night of this case. Now she was sitting on the floor, hugging her knees and with her head hidden under her arms. I knelt in front of her.

"Hey..." I said as I put my hand on her shoulder to get her attention.

"I ruined it, right?" she asked, words muffled because her head was still buried between her arms.

"Don't say that. It was just too much," I tried to reassure (Y/N). But she knew. This was _bad_.

"What did Hotch say?"

"He wants us in the chief's office in five," I replied. (Y/N) lifted her head, tears pouring from her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I dragged you into this, and look what we got," (Y/N) breathed out.

"Don't say that. I did it because I wanted to. I'm just sorry that things turned out like this," I confessed. (Y/N) shook her head and leaned back, looking at the sky above for a minute.

"Well. I guess it's time to talk to Hotch," she recognized, sighing. Maybe it was _late_ for that now, I thought, but I didn't say it.

I helped her get off the floor and brush some of the dust off her clothes. I took her hand in a comforting gesture, she accepted it.

"Are you sure you can talk now?" I asked.

"I have to. I messed up already," (Y/N) replied, squeezing my hand.

After a deep sigh, she released my hand, and we walked back to the station. At the chief's office, Hotch was already waiting for us.

The air was tense. Hotch was standing in the office corner while we stood in front of him at a safe distance. When he asked what had happened, (Y/N) immediately took responsibility for everything, trying to sideline me, but Hotch knew better.

(Y/N) told Hotch what happened fourteen years ago, at least the part concerning Jill's death and how Silver was connected to that night's events. Hotch listened to the whole story in silence. There were no details but enough information for Hotch to be satisfied.

"I know you would have taken me off the case for that. That's why I didn't say anything," (Y/N) muttered.

"It was the right thing to do, and you know it," Hotch replied, no inflections in his voice.

"I know, and I'm sorry," (Y/N) said.

"That's not enough now, (Y/N). I'm sorry. Given that, and to protect this team and the investigation, now you're out of this case," Hotch sentenced.

"What?! You can't do that, Hotch!" (Y/N) complained.

"That isn't in the discussion. You'll take a flight back to Virginia in three hours, and we'll discuss your sanction when we come back," Hotch declared undaunted.

"I can't believe this. Okay... Okay. I get it, I lost my temper there, but you and I know Silver is not a white dove..." she tried to convince him, but Hotch had already made his decision.

"That doesn't matter much right now. Silver will leave this police station as a free man anyway due to lack of evidence, and he may even sue you for the scene in there," he replied.

"I assure you, that will not happen again..." Her lower lip was twitching, and her voice was beginning to crack.

"(Y/N), you lied to us. You and Spencer deliberately lied to this team. I doubt that helps make your claim believable."

"I know. I know I didn't do the right thing, but you can take me off the case... I need..." she trailed off.

"You need? To finish your vendetta?" Hotch cut her off.

"No... no! to bring justice!" she fought back.

"Well, you should have thought that before you acted. In this team, we all want the same thing, that is why we work together, and we are transparent. If you are not able to do that, then you are not qualified for this job," Hotch sentenced.

(Y/N) bit her lower lip and didn't respond. She knew that nothing she said would change Hotch's mind. Still, with a clenched jaw, she muttered.

"Is that all? Can I go now?" she asked.

"Yes. Regarding you, Reid. You'll continue working in the case and will get your sanction when we return." (Y/N) tried to question the action.

"Hotch, Spencer has nothing to do with this..." I looked at (Y/N), and she looked at me with concern. I shook my head in acceptance.

"Reid knows what his responsibility is, and he'll get his own sanction," Hotch stated, ending the conversation.

We both left the office without saying a word. The team was outside and watching us. (Y/N) took her bag and left the police station without looking at anyone. I followed her and could stop her before she got into one of the SUVs.

"(Y/N), wait!" She turned to face me, and I could see the tears falling down her cheeks. I tried to get closer and hug her. She was reluctant at first, but she accepted my embrace and buried her head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. This is unfair to you. I'm so sorry..." she said between sobs.

"I don't care. What matters to me is you. It hurts to see you like this. I don't want to see you like this, and I don't know what to do to help..." I murmured, trying to keep at bay the tears that were gathering in my eyes.

"You can not do anything..."

"I want to be with you. At least let me be with you on this, please," I asked. (Y/N) pulled away from my embrace and took my hands.

"I think we have to talk about that when this is over, not now," she replied, releasing one of her hands to caress my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned down to feel her touch.

"All right. We'll talk when this is over. Just remember that I love you, okay? I love you (Y/N)." But she didn't say it back. She kissed the knuckles of my hand that she was holding, then released me entirely and got into the SUV.

When I saw the SUV drive away, a strange sensation came over me. As if something of me was leaving with (Y/N). It was weird, and at that minute, I couldn't name it, but it wasn't the time to think about it. There was a case to solve, and maybe with that, bring some peace of mind to (Y/N).

Could things be worse? Yes. After two days in which we finally accomplished to connect Silver with the murders. A nurse who worked at the abortion clinic helped Silver target women and got their medical records. But we couldn't arrest him because Silver disappeared. He completely vanished. The apartment where he lived was empty. We tried to locate him in his parents' house, but he wasn't there either. We tried to find him at his workplace, but they told us that he made an emergency trip, and they had no way to reaching him. We placed a complete operation in the city to find his whereabouts: a joint effort between the local police and the FBI, but without success.

(Y/N) possibly already knew what happened, and I could imagine the weight on her shoulders. The afternoon we were leaving Chicago, I called her, but she didn't answer the phone. It had been three days since Hotch sent her back to Virginia, and we had not exchanged a word. I knew we had agreed to talk when the case was over, but something told me that things were not going to be that simple.

On the flight back to Virginia, Hotch sat across from me on the jet. When I looked at him, he started speaking.

"I know I said we were going to discuss this again in the office, but before that, I wanted to speak with you personally," Hotch pointed out. I stayed silent and nodded. "One of the things that I have to protect is the integrity of this team. And now I am concerned to see that not only this case led to (Y/N) lying to us and hiding information to serve her own revenge. You lied to us too, even knowing what could happen," Hotch scolded me.

I shifted in the seat. I was looking for some way to ease the discomfort I was feeling. Hotch was right; I turned a blind eye to the obvious. I knew this could happen, and I didn't say anything.

"She had her reasons," I murmured.

"Yes. Sure she had them. But I'm not talking about (Y/N). I'm talking about you. Which is your powerful reason, Reid? If you wanted to help her, you should have stopped her, but you didn't. Why?"

I understood what Hotch was doing. He wanted to know how much of my judgment was compromised due to my relationship with (Y/N). Or the relationship I believed I still had with (Y/N). Because to tell the truth, I wasn't sure where we were standing at this minute, even less with the case's outcome.

"I thought - I don't know. I wanted to believe her, that she needed to do it?" I replied. It was the truth, but not a good explanation, though.

"I know things between you both haven't been good lately. And I know it's none of my business, but since it's affecting your work, it's important for me to know if you are in a position to set personal boundaries in work," Hotch stated.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.

"How far are you able to go for her? What limits are you willing to cross? And I'm just referring to work. Although I must say that I am concerned on a personal level as well," Hotch confessed.

"I understand your concern, but I think this is a special situation. I don't think it's something that will cloud my career at BAU. After all these years, Hotch, do you think that the way I do my job puts the team in danger?" I asked, worried.

"Reid, I have known you for over ten years, and I've never doubted your capabilities and the way you do your job. You have certainly outdone yourself over the years, and I am very proud of that. I can also understand that there are times when everyone must apply their own judgment, and sometimes mistakes are made. But this time, you were too passive, and that means you weren't convinced what you were doing, or not doing, either," Hotch said. I sighed, thinking about that.

"Yes. I guess I wasn't," I recognized.

"That said, it's necessary you think of this, not as a simple mistake. Nor am I going to put (Y/N) as the enemy because I understand her reasons even if I don't share them. My point is that you need to consider if your relationship with (Y/N) is going to have more repercussions in your job that we have to consider," Hotch pointed out.

Although I didn't want to admit it, Hotch made me wonder if I have gone too far this time. If I did what I did for a selfish purpose, forgetting the main objective. I really understood her motives. Maybe because in her place, I would have done the same, wouldn't I? In addition to that constant doubt, I was scared. Something inside told me this case had put one more stone over our relationship.

When we got to the BAU, it was almost midnight. I called (Y/N) one more time and got no response. I took my things and went home. When I arrived, there was no one in the apartment. I had a secret hope that she was sleeping, but I only found a well-made bed when I entered the room.

I sat on the edge of the bed staring at the wall for a while. My chest felt heavy, but I was so tired that I lay down and at some point fell asleep.

The next day when I came to the BAU, I looked in Hotch's office's direction and saw that the curtains were closed. Seeing me frowning, Tara was quick to say.

"(Y/N) is with Hotch right now." I felt the lump I already had in my throat doubled at that moment.

I went to the kitchen to make some coffee and go back to my desk to sit and wait. I knew that after his conversation with (Y/N), it would be my turn. 25 minutes passed and (Y/N) walked out of Hotch's office, straight to her desk. She barely made eye contact with me. When I was about to say something, Hotch walked out of his office.

"Reid, you can come in now," he told me before retracing his steps back to his desk. (Y/N) looked at me empathically.

"Sorry," she murmured. I shook my head.

"What did he say to you? Are you...?" I tried to ask.

"Can we talk today in the afternoon?" she interrupted me.

"Yeah. Sure. Are you coming home?" I asked.

"I can come over to the apartment," she replied. I nodded, and she left quickly.

Neither of us lost the job. (Y/N) got four weeks of suspension, and I got two. I just shrugged, got my things, and went home. JJ, Tara, and Rossi watched me leave Hotch's office, walk to my desk, and gather my things, but neither asked any questions. They knew what happened, Hotch reported it during the case, but neither dared to make any comments or questions. I thanked it at the time.

I spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon reading on the couch. But I couldn't concentrate. There are times in my life where I would have liked to quiet my mind for a few minutes - this was one of those.

It was almost 5 in the afternoon when I felt the keys in the lock. (Y/N) entered the apartment, and I quickly got up from the couch.

"Hey..." I muttered. She looked at me and gave a tiny smile.

"Hi. Are you busy right now? I can come back another day if you want..." she offered.

"No. I'm not. It's okay. We need to talk," I replied, stuffing my hands in my pockets and resting my back on the wall.

"Yes. We need to talk," (Y/N) repeated.

"Coffee?" I offered.

"No. Thank you." She moved and sat in one of the chairs next to the diner table. I repeated her actions, taking another chair and sitting in front of her. After an awkward silence, I dared to speak first.

"Where are you staying? I thought you would return home after Chicago," I pointed out. She looked at me, trying to convey the best words to say something I wouldn't like. Precisely this was the case.

"I did. Until last night when I knew you would come back, I stayed at Steven's," she said. And although she knew the effects that her words would do on me, she didn't dodge it.

"Why?"

"I didn't dare to be here when you arrived. I needed to think before I could see you," (Y/N) admitted.

"So you didn't want to stay in the same place as me. You chose Steven instead," I mumbled. I could feel the distance of thousands of miles between us. Not even in our most heated discussions had I felt that.

"But it's not what you think," she hastened to say.

"No? How do you know what I'm thinking? How do you know I don't think that suddenly my girlfriend doesn't want to live under the same roof as me? That she prefers her friend's place. Because it's not that, right?"

"Spencer..." She tried to interrupt. Some tears began to appear in her eyes.

"Please, explain to me (Y/N) because all these days I kept thinking that we can salvage this, and I found this?" I protested. My voice steady, but I didn't know for how long.

"We can't keep lying to ourselves, Spencer," she blurted out.

"Lying? About what? I was pretty sure we loved each other. And okay, we fought. You left that day, but we never talked until now (Y/N). 

And now you're burning the whole bridge before making any attempt to see if there is a chance to keep it up. You say this is _'talking'_?" I yelled—frustration taking the best of me. But I didn't care.

"Because there is no chance for this anymore. Don't tell me you didn't think about it these days. I know you did, and I know your conclusion is the same as mine. We need to stop this, Spencer, please," she whined. I could tell she was as frustrated as me. But that didn't give her the right to discard our relationship without even trying.

"No. You don't know that," I said, cutting (Y/N) off. I stood from my spot and started to pacing for the room.

"No, you're right. I don't. But, think about it, do you truly feel we can salvage this? We said and done a lot of things, Spencer. We can't go back..." (Y/N) ran one hand for her hair. She wanted to maintain some composure, but just as for me, it was difficult for her.

"Why not? Maybe not go back, yet a fresh start? (Y/N)... I get it. We're not okay. It's true perhaps we didn't take the best path on this and fucked it up, but we know each other, we love each other. That must count in something, right?" My voice cracked thinking of the past years. We were happy. In what minute did everything go down the drain?

"I- I don't know if that count enough..." she mumbled under her breath. I hardly heard her.

"Are you _breaking up with me_?" It was a straightforward question, but I needed to know. I needed to hear it from her.

"We can't keep doing this. It's hurting you and me..." (Y/N) knew if she lets out the words, there were no coming back. I tried to cling to the possibility she chicken out to get a minimal chance. She wouldn't say it, would she?

"Answer me! Are you breaking up with me?" I asked again. This time I pushed her forward.

"Y- yes!" (Y/N) shouted, almost choking with tears. I shut my eyes, squeezing them as if in that way I could erase her words from my ears. Stupid, I know—next step: denial.

"You're lying. You don't want to do this..." I trailed off.

"Spencer, please... stop fooling yourself. I don't want to hurt you. This is the best for both of us," she said, looking at the floor.

"You don't want to hurt me? Well, let me say that is precisely what are you doing right now!" 

"Spencer, this is over. There is nothing else to say," (Y/N) replied, standing from the chair and grabbing her purse.

"So that it is? Like this? Just 'it's over'? And now you're going to run away?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes. We can make it simple. Please, Spencer, for once, we can make something simple..." she replied, pinching with her fingers her nose's bridge.

"Don't you love me anymore?"

"Please, Spencer, this is not making things simple. And you don't want to hear the answer," she replied. Her voice was full of annoyance.

"Maybe I don't want to make things simple. Maybe I still believe in us," I insisted. But (Y/N) didn't want my insistence, so she hit me with the best shot she thought she had.

"I don't love you anymore," she said. Her voice was shaking. Not even she was convinced of what she was saying.

"You're lying..."

"You can think whatever you want, Spencer. But you can't deny that you're as done as I am with this," (Y/N) spat.

"Yeah. I'm tired of your stubbornness," I shot back.

"A mutual feeling," she scoffed.

"So, because of that, you're going to quit? Just give up?"

"I'm not the one who stopped fighting, Spencer..." she muttered.

"What?! Are you serious? Do you say I stopped fighting for us? When are you the one who is running from this? When you're the one who is avoiding me for the past two weeks?"

"Do you think you can neutralize two years with two weeks?" (Y/N) yelled.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm tired, Spencer. All this time, I have been for you. I've endured your ups and downs. I have tried to be understanding of the things that happen in your life. But every time, I feel that I am further away from you. Despite the promises, despite everything. I can't meet your expectations, Spencer. I can't. And now, thinking about my life... I don't know. I feel that I don't know myself anymore, and I can't love somebody as long as I'm feeling like this."

"What you are doing right now is unfair, and you know that (Y/N)..." I mumbled. I felt my own tears clouding my sight. She came closer but kept her hands off my touch.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could be more like the woman you always dreamed of loving. But I'm not. I'm not... her." We were both crying by now, but I stopped when I heard the last part.

"What? Are you serious, (Y/N)?"

"It's not a tantrum, Spencer. Let's face it. At the end of the day, you always wondered if it would have been different with her," (Y/N) retorted. I could see the hurt in her eyes, and I couldn't believe it. She really thought so low about herself? She really thought I still craving Maeve?

"Why are you doing this? Why do you insist on this _stupid comparison_?" I complained.

"Because it's true. Maybe you've denied it yourself all these years, but I've seen the signs, Spencer. I am not blind. After all, we started as _grieving friends_ , and maybe we should have stayed that way. She was everything to you, everything you dreamed of, everything you hoped to have in your life. In contrast, I have only brought you problems and bad times. I upset you with your friends, affected your work. I put more weight on you, and you don't deserve it," she lamented.

I didn't know how to respond to that. If I ever imagined my life with Maeve? Yes, of course, I did. But that was before I fell in love with (Y/N). I was having doubts about us now? Yeah, sure, but for different reasons, not for Maeve. But (Y/N) looked so determined to finish things that even if I emptied my heart in front of her, it wouldn't be enough to make her change her mind. And, at that moment, I wondered if I wanted to change her mind. God, it hurt me to think that maybe she was right and that ours wasn't meant to be.

I was tired of fighting. I thought about it on the jet when we were coming back from Chicago. I thought about it last night seeing my empty bed. Maybe I've been thinking about it for a while.

"You know what? Yes. Definitively, you're not her. And you're right; she wouldn't do this. All these years, I wondered how different it would have been my life with her. It's a shame, absolutely," I spat the venom almost without thinking.

"I could tell. You would surely be happy. You would have the family you wanted. The life you always wanted," she sighed. I couldn't believe we were doing this. Hurting us enough not to regret it later.

"Yeah. And you could have done whatever you wanted to do. But you can still do that, indeed. You're free to do what you want," I avowed. (Y/N) nodded, grabbing her purse again. I kept tensed looking at the window but aware of her movements with the corner of my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Spencer..." she muttered, walking to the door. I didn't say anything. She looked at me, but my eyes evaded her gaze. "I'll come to pick up my stuff tomorrow afternoon," she ended before slamming the door behind her.

And that's how things ended with (Y/N). Four years in our history left with her when she crossed the threshold. If there was a wound in my heart before this, now it was worse. I felt a hole and emptiness that would be impossible for me to fill and heal.

———————

_“I set fire to the rain_

_And I threw us into the flames_

_When we fell, something died_

_'Cause I knew that that was the last time_

_The last time…”_

———————


End file.
